Would you pay 200K for a baby that isn't biologically yours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can speak to this. I’ve done 6 rounds of IVF with OE and 2 with DE and have never had success. I have one final DE embryo remaining and if it does not work, my journey will be over. I have never considered using a surrogate simply because I can’t afford it.

The vast majority of women will never be in my position, so they really can’t know how they would or would not react.

Nobody makes these decisions all at once. It happens bit by bit and as you go through the process, your heart aches more each time, you feel “wronged” a little more each time, and the sunk costs become more and more of a propellant to keep you going in the hope that you will finally succeed and it will have been worth it.

My DH and I did pursue adoption midway through this journey. We realized that it would be more expensive, more heartbreaking, and more ethically complicated than the path we already were on, so we went back to IVF.

Of course I’m sad that any child we potentially might have will not be genetically related to me. Then again, who is to say my genetics are so hot? After all, I’m infertile.

To me, the opportunity to raise a child, love them, and help them flourish seems like the greatest privilege there is. I hope I can be a part of that. The joy would outweigh the sadness of not having a genetic link to my child.

I wouldn’t wish this heartache on my worst enemy. I may end up with nothing to show for it except a lack of a retirement fund and a whole lot of tears. For those of you who cannot help but judge, please remember that nobody WANTS to make these choices. We are always choosing the least bad option that we feel we can live with. After so much pain, at least I won’t be left with any regrets about what more I possibly could have done. I hope you all count your blessings.

Why do you say adoption is more expensive? It is essentially free through your local child welfare agency. And sometimes the state even pays you!

Very few kids are available.

There are over 100,000 kids available for adoption in the US through state child welfare departments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can speak to this. I’ve done 6 rounds of IVF with OE and 2 with DE and have never had success. I have one final DE embryo remaining and if it does not work, my journey will be over. I have never considered using a surrogate simply because I can’t afford it.

The vast majority of women will never be in my position, so they really can’t know how they would or would not react.

Nobody makes these decisions all at once. It happens bit by bit and as you go through the process, your heart aches more each time, you feel “wronged” a little more each time, and the sunk costs become more and more of a propellant to keep you going in the hope that you will finally succeed and it will have been worth it.

My DH and I did pursue adoption midway through this journey. We realized that it would be more expensive, more heartbreaking, and more ethically complicated than the path we already were on, so we went back to IVF.

Of course I’m sad that any child we potentially might have will not be genetically related to me. Then again, who is to say my genetics are so hot? After all, I’m infertile.

To me, the opportunity to raise a child, love them, and help them flourish seems like the greatest privilege there is. I hope I can be a part of that. The joy would outweigh the sadness of not having a genetic link to my child.

I wouldn’t wish this heartache on my worst enemy. I may end up with nothing to show for it except a lack of a retirement fund and a whole lot of tears. For those of you who cannot help but judge, please remember that nobody WANTS to make these choices. We are always choosing the least bad option that we feel we can live with. After so much pain, at least I won’t be left with any regrets about what more I possibly could have done. I hope you all count your blessings.

Why do you say adoption is more expensive? It is essentially free through your local child welfare agency. And sometimes the state even pays you!

Very few kids are available.

There are over 100,000 kids available for adoption in the US through state child welfare departments.

Those are older kids in foster care, not babies. Not everyone is equipped or willing to support children who have been through the type trauma that got them placed in foster care. It’s disingenuous to point to those numbers when the reality is that people want babies who haven’t suffered through abuse.

To answer OP’s question, yes if I had the money and was infertile, I would spend it on having a child who wasn’t genetically mine, especially if it was genetically my husband’s. I’d still be the baby’s mom, not some donor who didn’t even know about him or her.

I don’t get why people are so judgmental about other people’s private medical and family decisions.

[Anonymous]

For those who have never experienced infertility, finally having that joy of bringing home a baby is priceless. If they can afford it, it’s worth it. I almost did donor egg for $75K but by some miracle, I got pregnant on my own after 5 years of IVF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would be cheaper to just start trying for a kid much earlier in the (23-28 age range) before you’re infertile.

I have multiple family members who had trouble conceiving or carrying a pregnancy in their 20’s.

+1
Adult adoptee here. My mom was never going to be able to have biological children. (Also, FWIW, neither she nor I care one bit that we're not biologically related.)

[Anonymous]

I would yes. I'd rather do it that way than adopt. At least this way, you know more about the bio mother's genetics, history, and pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm happy for a friend that after 7 years of infertility, over 10 rounds of IVF with and without donor eggs and a surrogate they finally have a baby but I'm pretty sure it's amounted to 200K or more for a baby that isn't biologically hers. Would you do the same?

I feel like at somepoint I would pursue adoption because it's essentially the same. (Fwiw I'm currently undergoing IVF and am already hesitant to spend the cost on it.)

If you have to ask this you are not a good fit for this process.
Perhaps you were meant to be childless??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend ended up using embryo adoption to have her child. Multiple rounds of IVF plus the eventual embryo adoption & implantation was definitely north of $100k but that little girl is pure sweetness and light and worth every penny and every tear it took to get her here. Biologically she isn't related to either parent and not everyone knows -- so comments like "she has your nose" or "she's going to be an athlete like you" can sting (good reminder to us all to watch our words -- we can no longer assume that having been pregnant with a child means he/she was biologically created by you).

Why do those comments sting? I think they solidify the fact that it doesn't matter that she's not their bio child. She's so much like them that people even think they look like you.

Adoptee here--even myparents would mention how much I looked like Great-Aunt X, or "inherited" my mom's penchant for buying too many shoes, or whatever. They genuinely forget that I'm adopted. It 100 percent does not matter to me or them. Biology is the least important part of parenting.

[Anonymous]

I personally wouldn’t. I would adopt (and I have adopted a child), but as an adoptee myself, I don’t feel the need for a biological child. I know other adoptees who feel quite the opposite, though.

[Anonymous]

As someone with biological children and an adopted child I don’t think people really realize how difficult it is to get an infant who hasn’t been exposed to drugs. It’s basically impossible. I know many adoptive moms (myself even at one time) who keep this VERY private and never talk about their child’s NICU time related to withdrawal and all that. We were very lucky to dodge any special needs but I was willing to take that on as I was already a special needs mom from my bio kids. But I think it’s worth “something” to pay to carry the baby because you KNOW for certain that baby won’t come out and struggle. It’s really heartbreaking to watch infants withdrawal. So ya I think it’s worth 200k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone with biological children and an adopted child I don’t think people really realize how difficult it is to get an infant who hasn’t been exposed to drugs. It’s basically impossible. I know many adoptive moms (myself even at one time) who keep this VERY private and never talk about their child’s NICU time related to withdrawal and all that. We were very lucky to dodge any special needs but I was willing to take that on as I was already a special needs mom from my bio kids. But I think it’s worth “something” to pay to carry the baby because you KNOW for certain that baby won’t come out and struggle. It’s really heartbreaking to watch infants withdrawal. So ya I think it’s worth 200k.

I disagree that healthy infant adoption is next to impossible. If you are in the healthcare field or work in a hospital, you or coworkers have a direct line to patients, and may learn of a pregnant mom who is considering adoption and can be screened for suitability. If there are no issues, all you have to do is make contact with the mom, draw up a private adoption agreement with your own attorney, and off you go with a newborn. I know a nurse who did this. Met mom just a week prior to delivery, took baby home a few days after birth. Perfectly healthy baby.

[Anonymous]

I am a PP.

I have a friend who adopted her son from Texas. She herself is adopted, and was determined to adopt her first child before considering any more. She then birthed her 2nd son.

Another adopted her 5 kids from Florida. No bio kids.

Another friend moved to an adoption-friendly state and adopted her 3 kids from foster are, all under a year old when placed and then adopted. Tons of ongoing financial support; tons. No bio kids. Even college will be free in that state or partnering states.

We adopted 2 internationally and were ready for a 3rd when it became difficult. So although I had no desire to be pregnant, we did birth our 3rd child.

I could go on. Endless examples.

So really it is very difficult to answer beyond your own experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those who have never experienced infertility, finally having that joy of bringing home a baby is priceless. If they can afford it, it’s worth it. I almost did donor egg for $75K but by some miracle, I got pregnant on my own after 5 years of IVF.

Wow, inflation! I spent under $25k 12 years ago for a guarantee pregnancy donor program of 3+ cycles (but I only needed 1).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone with biological children and an adopted child I don’t think people really realize how difficult it is to get an infant who hasn’t been exposed to drugs. It’s basically impossible. I know many adoptive moms (myself even at one time) who keep this VERY private and never talk about their child’s NICU time related to withdrawal and all that. We were very lucky to dodge any special needs but I was willing to take that on as I was already a special needs mom from my bio kids. But I think it’s worth “something” to pay to carry the baby because you KNOW for certain that baby won’t come out and struggle. It’s really heartbreaking to watch infants withdrawal. So ya I think it’s worth 200k.

I disagree that healthy infant adoption is next to impossible. If you are in the healthcare field or work in a hospital, you or coworkers have a direct line to patients, and may learn of a pregnant mom who is considering adoption and can be screened for suitability. If there are no issues, all you have to do is make contact with the mom, draw up a private adoption agreement with your own attorney, and off you go with a newborn. I know a nurse who did this. Met mom just a week prior to delivery, took baby home a few days after birth. Perfectly healthy baby.

We did an adoption that was supposed to be a healthy infant/private adoption and child had lots of special needs later on. And, if that nurse adopted her patient's child its very unethical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm happy for a friend that after 7 years of infertility, over 10 rounds of IVF with and without donor eggs and a surrogate they finally have a baby but I'm pretty sure it's amounted to 200K or more for a baby that isn't biologically hers. Would you do the same?

I feel like at somepoint I would pursue adoption because it's essentially the same. (Fwiw I'm currently undergoing IVF and am already hesitant to spend the cost on it.)

Us humans are 99.9% identical in our genetic makeup. If they can't have one naturally then what options do they've, other than IVF or adoption. Both are expensive and stressful. If $200k car or vacation home, diamond jewelry or weddings extravaganza can make people happy then a having baby they crave is absolutely worth it and more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone with biological children and an adopted child I don’t think people really realize how difficult it is to get an infant who hasn’t been exposed to drugs. It’s basically impossible. I know many adoptive moms (myself even at one time) who keep this VERY private and never talk about their child’s NICU time related to withdrawal and all that. We were very lucky to dodge any special needs but I was willing to take that on as I was already a special needs mom from my bio kids. But I think it’s worth “something” to pay to carry the baby because you KNOW for certain that baby won’t come out and struggle. It’s really heartbreaking to watch infants withdrawal. So ya I think it’s worth 200k.

I disagree that healthy infant adoption is next to impossible. If you are in the healthcare field or work in a hospital, you or coworkers have a direct line to patients, and may learn of a pregnant mom who is considering adoption and can be screened for suitability. If there are no issues, all you have to do is make contact with the mom, draw up a private adoption agreement with your own attorney, and off you go with a newborn. I know a nurse who did this. Met mom just a week prior to delivery, took baby home a few days after birth. Perfectly healthy baby.

This is unbelievably unethical.