Would you pay 200K for a baby that isn't biologically yours?

[Anonymous]

Yes

[Anonymous]

I can speak to this. I’ve done 6 rounds of IVF with OE and 2 with DE and have never had success. I have one final DE embryo remaining and if it does not work, my journey will be over. I have never considered using a surrogate simply because I can’t afford it.

The vast majority of women will never be in my position, so they really can’t know how they would or would not react.

Nobody makes these decisions all at once. It happens bit by bit and as you go through the process, your heart aches more each time, you feel “wronged” a little more each time, and the sunk costs become more and more of a propellant to keep you going in the hope that you will finally succeed and it will have been worth it.

My DH and I did pursue adoption midway through this journey. We realized that it would be more expensive, more heartbreaking, and more ethically complicated than the path we already were on, so we went back to IVF.

Of course I’m sad that any child we potentially might have will not be genetically related to me. Then again, who is to say my genetics are so hot? After all, I’m infertile.

To me, the opportunity to raise a child, love them, and help them flourish seems like the greatest privilege there is. I hope I can be a part of that. The joy would outweigh the sadness of not having a genetic link to my child.

I wouldn’t wish this heartache on my worst enemy. I may end up with nothing to show for it except a lack of a retirement fund and a whole lot of tears. For those of you who cannot help but judge, please remember that nobody WANTS to make these choices. We are always choosing the least bad option that we feel we can live with. After so much pain, at least I won’t be left with any regrets about what more I possibly could have done. I hope you all count your blessings.

I went through what you are going through and I understand the pain. Big hug to you. The only thing I can say is what someone with similar experience told me when I was where you are now---you WILL get through this, as painful as it is. And I hope for you that the path that it is right for you appears. It may not be the path you originally wanted or expected. I was very much uninterested in adoption---for some of the reasons you cite---but ultimately it became the right path to parenthood for us in a specific context. I know couples who came to the decision to remain child-free and became wonderful godparents, aunts/uncles. There is a path for you---you are currently just in the most painful part of the journey. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I can speak to this. I’ve done 6 rounds of IVF with OE and 2 with DE and have never had success. I have one final DE embryo remaining and if it does not work, my journey will be over. I have never considered using a surrogate simply because I can’t afford it.

The vast majority of women will never be in my position, so they really can’t know how they would or would not react.

Nobody makes these decisions all at once. It happens bit by bit and as you go through the process, your heart aches more each time, you feel “wronged” a little more each time, and the sunk costs become more and more of a propellant to keep you going in the hope that you will finally succeed and it will have been worth it.

My DH and I did pursue adoption midway through this journey. We realized that it would be more expensive, more heartbreaking, and more ethically complicated than the path we already were on, so we went back to IVF.

Of course I’m sad that any child we potentially might have will not be genetically related to me. Then again, who is to say my genetics are so hot? After all, I’m infertile.

To me, the opportunity to raise a child, love them, and help them flourish seems like the greatest privilege there is. I hope I can be a part of that. The joy would outweigh the sadness of not having a genetic link to my child.

I wouldn’t wish this heartache on my worst enemy. I may end up with nothing to show for it except a lack of a retirement fund and a whole lot of tears. For those of you who cannot help but judge, please remember that nobody WANTS to make these choices. We are always choosing the least bad option that we feel we can live with. After so much pain, at least I won’t be left with any regrets about what more I possibly could have done. I hope you all count your blessings.

I went through what you are going through and I understand the pain. Big hug to you. The only thing I can say is what someone with similar experience told me when I was where you are now---you WILL get through this, as painful as it is. And I hope for you that the path that it is right for you appears. It may not be the path you originally wanted or expected. I was very much uninterested in adoption---for some of the reasons you cite---but ultimately it became the right path to parenthood for us in a specific context. I know couples who came to the decision to remain child-free and became wonderful godparents, aunts/uncles. There is a path for you---you are currently just in the most painful part of the journey. Hang in there.

Adding my hug to her's. Your description is so accurate -- all alternatives are expensive and complicated. It was such a difficult time and incredibly painful. I also hope for you a path. I eventually came through the other side, have one child and made some very dear, now longtime friends in the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adoption is not a solution to infertility and is riddled with human rights abuses.

+100

I hate that I don't respect adoptive parents anymore, but I don't.

Wow.

Glad my adopted child and I are the same race so that we don’t stand out to you as an adoptive family. You have NO idea why they were available for adoption. None. Feel free to take it up with their extended birth family on both sides who chose to not adopt.

I’m also an adoptee so feel free to disrespect that as well.

Adoption is often a permanent solution to a temporary problem. An expectant mother may be very excited to be a mother, but only lack financial resources. Somehow, the only way for her to get the basic level of care an expectant mother really needs is for her to agree to put her future child up for adoption. The resources that an expectant mother temporarily gains access to from a prospective adoptive couple are NOT resources that someone should have to put their child up for adoption to get.

The expectant mother is often lied to by adoptive couples and adoption agencies about her rights, and adoptive couples are allowed to cut off contact with her after agreeing to openness in the adoption.

Truly disgusting that a woman should have to sell her child.

Seconding there are plenty of supports for low income families. Addiction isn't a temporary problem its a long term one. This is a completely ignorant statement. Just because a child is born to an addict does not mean they deserve to be raised in that chaos. And for those that say only extended family adoptions, where do you think this addict's pain came from? Sometimes a clean break is best.

Huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adoption is not a solution to infertility and is riddled with human rights abuses.

+100

I hate that I don't respect adoptive parents anymore, but I don't.

Wow.

Glad my adopted child and I are the same race so that we don’t stand out to you as an adoptive family. You have NO idea why they were available for adoption. None. Feel free to take it up with their extended birth family on both sides who chose to not adopt.

I’m also an adoptee so feel free to disrespect that as well.

Adoption is often a permanent solution to a temporary problem. An expectant mother may be very excited to be a mother, but only lack financial resources. Somehow, the only way for her to get the basic level of care an expectant mother really needs is for her to agree to put her future child up for adoption. The resources that an expectant mother temporarily gains access to from a prospective adoptive couple are NOT resources that someone should have to put their child up for adoption to get.

The expectant mother is often lied to by adoptive couples and adoption agencies about her rights, and adoptive couples are allowed to cut off contact with her after agreeing to openness in the adoption.

Truly disgusting that a woman should have to sell her child.

Seconding there are plenty of supports for low income families. Addiction isn't a temporary problem its a long term one. This is a completely ignorant statement. Just because a child is born to an addict does not mean they deserve to be raised in that chaos. And for those that say only extended family adoptions, where do you think this addict's pain came from? Sometimes a clean break is best.

Huh?

Not all birthmoms are drug addicts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can speak to this. I’ve done 6 rounds of IVF with OE and 2 with DE and have never had success. I have one final DE embryo remaining and if it does not work, my journey will be over. I have never considered using a surrogate simply because I can’t afford it.

The vast majority of women will never be in my position, so they really can’t know how they would or would not react.

Nobody makes these decisions all at once. It happens bit by bit and as you go through the process, your heart aches more each time, you feel “wronged” a little more each time, and the sunk costs become more and more of a propellant to keep you going in the hope that you will finally succeed and it will have been worth it.

My DH and I did pursue adoption midway through this journey. We realized that it would be more expensive, more heartbreaking, and more ethically complicated than the path we already were on, so we went back to IVF.

Of course I’m sad that any child we potentially might have will not be genetically related to me. Then again, who is to say my genetics are so hot? After all, I’m infertile.

To me, the opportunity to raise a child, love them, and help them flourish seems like the greatest privilege there is. I hope I can be a part of that. The joy would outweigh the sadness of not having a genetic link to my child.

I wouldn’t wish this heartache on my worst enemy. I may end up with nothing to show for it except a lack of a retirement fund and a whole lot of tears. For those of you who cannot help but judge, please remember that nobody WANTS to make these choices. We are always choosing the least bad option that we feel we can live with. After so much pain, at least I won’t be left with any regrets about what more I possibly could have done. I hope you all count your blessings.

I feel for your pain and want you to know that private adoption is always an option and is less expensive. I know a couple (woman was in healthcare) who had a walk-in, late-stage pregnant patient who expressed an interest in adoption. Woman said she was interested in adopting the infant, so they all visited a lawyer and when the baby was born a short while later, the couple took the baby home from the hospital with a POA. Adoption was finalized a month later as per state law. According to the couple they paid nothing but attorney's fees. It was done so quickly I don't even know if a home study was done or if any pre-adoption counseling was required, since it was all private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can speak to this. I’ve done 6 rounds of IVF with OE and 2 with DE and have never had success. I have one final DE embryo remaining and if it does not work, my journey will be over. I have never considered using a surrogate simply because I can’t afford it.

The vast majority of women will never be in my position, so they really can’t know how they would or would not react.

Nobody makes these decisions all at once. It happens bit by bit and as you go through the process, your heart aches more each time, you feel “wronged” a little more each time, and the sunk costs become more and more of a propellant to keep you going in the hope that you will finally succeed and it will have been worth it.

My DH and I did pursue adoption midway through this journey. We realized that it would be more expensive, more heartbreaking, and more ethically complicated than the path we already were on, so we went back to IVF.

Of course I’m sad that any child we potentially might have will not be genetically related to me. Then again, who is to say my genetics are so hot? After all, I’m infertile.

To me, the opportunity to raise a child, love them, and help them flourish seems like the greatest privilege there is. I hope I can be a part of that. The joy would outweigh the sadness of not having a genetic link to my child.

I wouldn’t wish this heartache on my worst enemy. I may end up with nothing to show for it except a lack of a retirement fund and a whole lot of tears. For those of you who cannot help but judge, please remember that nobody WANTS to make these choices. We are always choosing the least bad option that we feel we can live with. After so much pain, at least I won’t be left with any regrets about what more I possibly could have done. I hope you all count your blessings.

I feel for your pain and want you to know that private adoption is always an option and is less expensive. I know a couple (woman was in healthcare) who had a walk-in, late-stage pregnant patient who expressed an interest in adoption. Woman said she was interested in adopting the infant, so they all visited a lawyer and when the baby was born a short while later, the couple took the baby home from the hospital with a POA. Adoption was finalized a month later as per state law. According to the couple they paid nothing but attorney's fees. It was done so quickly I don't even know if a home study was done or if any pre-adoption counseling was required, since it was all private.

This is unethical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can speak to this. I’ve done 6 rounds of IVF with OE and 2 with DE and have never had success. I have one final DE embryo remaining and if it does not work, my journey will be over. I have never considered using a surrogate simply because I can’t afford it.

The vast majority of women will never be in my position, so they really can’t know how they would or would not react.

Nobody makes these decisions all at once. It happens bit by bit and as you go through the process, your heart aches more each time, you feel “wronged” a little more each time, and the sunk costs become more and more of a propellant to keep you going in the hope that you will finally succeed and it will have been worth it.

My DH and I did pursue adoption midway through this journey. We realized that it would be more expensive, more heartbreaking, and more ethically complicated than the path we already were on, so we went back to IVF.

Of course I’m sad that any child we potentially might have will not be genetically related to me. Then again, who is to say my genetics are so hot? After all, I’m infertile.

To me, the opportunity to raise a child, love them, and help them flourish seems like the greatest privilege there is. I hope I can be a part of that. The joy would outweigh the sadness of not having a genetic link to my child.

I wouldn’t wish this heartache on my worst enemy. I may end up with nothing to show for it except a lack of a retirement fund and a whole lot of tears. For those of you who cannot help but judge, please remember that nobody WANTS to make these choices. We are always choosing the least bad option that we feel we can live with. After so much pain, at least I won’t be left with any regrets about what more I possibly could have done. I hope you all count your blessings.

I feel for your pain and want you to know that private adoption is always an option and is less expensive. I know a couple (woman was in healthcare) who had a walk-in, late-stage pregnant patient who expressed an interest in adoption. Woman said she was interested in adopting the infant, so they all visited a lawyer and when the baby was born a short while later, the couple took the baby home from the hospital with a POA. Adoption was finalized a month later as per state law. According to the couple they paid nothing but attorney's fees. It was done so quickly I don't even know if a home study was done or if any pre-adoption counseling was required, since it was all private.

This is unethical.

Probably also illegal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can speak to this. I’ve done 6 rounds of IVF with OE and 2 with DE and have never had success. I have one final DE embryo remaining and if it does not work, my journey will be over. I have never considered using a surrogate simply because I can’t afford it.

The vast majority of women will never be in my position, so they really can’t know how they would or would not react.

Nobody makes these decisions all at once. It happens bit by bit and as you go through the process, your heart aches more each time, you feel “wronged” a little more each time, and the sunk costs become more and more of a propellant to keep you going in the hope that you will finally succeed and it will have been worth it.

My DH and I did pursue adoption midway through this journey. We realized that it would be more expensive, more heartbreaking, and more ethically complicated than the path we already were on, so we went back to IVF.

Of course I’m sad that any child we potentially might have will not be genetically related to me. Then again, who is to say my genetics are so hot? After all, I’m infertile.

To me, the opportunity to raise a child, love them, and help them flourish seems like the greatest privilege there is. I hope I can be a part of that. The joy would outweigh the sadness of not having a genetic link to my child.

I wouldn’t wish this heartache on my worst enemy. I may end up with nothing to show for it except a lack of a retirement fund and a whole lot of tears. For those of you who cannot help but judge, please remember that nobody WANTS to make these choices. We are always choosing the least bad option that we feel we can live with. After so much pain, at least I won’t be left with any regrets about what more I possibly could have done. I hope you all count your blessings.

I feel for your pain and want you to know that private adoption is always an option and is less expensive. I know a couple (woman was in healthcare) who had a walk-in, late-stage pregnant patient who expressed an interest in adoption. Woman said she was interested in adopting the infant, so they all visited a lawyer and when the baby was born a short while later, the couple took the baby home from the hospital with a POA. Adoption was finalized a month later as per state law. According to the couple they paid nothing but attorney's fees. It was done so quickly I don't even know if a home study was done or if any pre-adoption counseling was required, since it was all private.

This is unethical on many levels. And you act like no home study is a plus. It is not for the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can speak to this. I’ve done 6 rounds of IVF with OE and 2 with DE and have never had success. I have one final DE embryo remaining and if it does not work, my journey will be over. I have never considered using a surrogate simply because I can’t afford it.

The vast majority of women will never be in my position, so they really can’t know how they would or would not react.

Nobody makes these decisions all at once. It happens bit by bit and as you go through the process, your heart aches more each time, you feel “wronged” a little more each time, and the sunk costs become more and more of a propellant to keep you going in the hope that you will finally succeed and it will have been worth it.

My DH and I did pursue adoption midway through this journey. We realized that it would be more expensive, more heartbreaking, and more ethically complicated than the path we already were on, so we went back to IVF.

Of course I’m sad that any child we potentially might have will not be genetically related to me. Then again, who is to say my genetics are so hot? After all, I’m infertile.

To me, the opportunity to raise a child, love them, and help them flourish seems like the greatest privilege there is. I hope I can be a part of that. The joy would outweigh the sadness of not having a genetic link to my child.

I wouldn’t wish this heartache on my worst enemy. I may end up with nothing to show for it except a lack of a retirement fund and a whole lot of tears. For those of you who cannot help but judge, please remember that nobody WANTS to make these choices. We are always choosing the least bad option that we feel we can live with. After so much pain, at least I won’t be left with any regrets about what more I possibly could have done. I hope you all count your blessings.

I feel for your pain and want you to know that private adoption is always an option and is less expensive. I know a couple (woman was in healthcare) who had a walk-in, late-stage pregnant patient who expressed an interest in adoption. Woman said she was interested in adopting the infant, so they all visited a lawyer and when the baby was born a short while later, the couple took the baby home from the hospital with a POA. Adoption was finalized a month later as per state law. According to the couple they paid nothing but attorney's fees. It was done so quickly I don't even know if a home study was done or if any pre-adoption counseling was required, since it was all private.

This is unethical.

Probably also illegal.

It’s not illegal, just unethical and breaks doctor ethics. It happens more than is openly discussed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend ended up using embryo adoption to have her child. Multiple rounds of IVF plus the eventual embryo adoption & implantation was definitely north of $100k but that little girl is pure sweetness and light and worth every penny and every tear it took to get her here. Biologically she isn't related to either parent and not everyone knows -- so comments like "she has your nose" or "she's going to be an athlete like you" can sting (good reminder to us all to watch our words -- we can no longer assume that having been pregnant with a child means he/she was biologically created by you).

Why do those comments sting? I think they solidify the fact that it doesn't matter that she's not their bio child. She's so much like them that people even think they look like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You don't know how you will feel about these choices until you are standing in the same shoes and they are your choices to make.

Correct. It is incredibly frustrating--when experiencing infertility---to have well-meaning people comment that you should "just adopt" and make it sound like it's opting to shop at Safeway as opposed to Giant. Adoption carries with it a whole host of issues that some people--although desiring to parent---do not necessarily want to take on.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can speak to this. I’ve done 6 rounds of IVF with OE and 2 with DE and have never had success. I have one final DE embryo remaining and if it does not work, my journey will be over. I have never considered using a surrogate simply because I can’t afford it.

The vast majority of women will never be in my position, so they really can’t know how they would or would not react.

Nobody makes these decisions all at once. It happens bit by bit and as you go through the process, your heart aches more each time, you feel “wronged” a little more each time, and the sunk costs become more and more of a propellant to keep you going in the hope that you will finally succeed and it will have been worth it.

My DH and I did pursue adoption midway through this journey. We realized that it would be more expensive, more heartbreaking, and more ethically complicated than the path we already were on, so we went back to IVF.

Of course I’m sad that any child we potentially might have will not be genetically related to me. Then again, who is to say my genetics are so hot? After all, I’m infertile.

To me, the opportunity to raise a child, love them, and help them flourish seems like the greatest privilege there is. I hope I can be a part of that. The joy would outweigh the sadness of not having a genetic link to my child.

I wouldn’t wish this heartache on my worst enemy. I may end up with nothing to show for it except a lack of a retirement fund and a whole lot of tears. For those of you who cannot help but judge, please remember that nobody WANTS to make these choices. We are always choosing the least bad option that we feel we can live with. After so much pain, at least I won’t be left with any regrets about what more I possibly could have done. I hope you all count your blessings.

I feel for your pain and want you to know that private adoption is always an option and is less expensive. I know a couple (woman was in healthcare) who had a walk-in, late-stage pregnant patient who expressed an interest in adoption. Woman said she was interested in adopting the infant, so they all visited a lawyer and when the baby was born a short while later, the couple took the baby home from the hospital with a POA. Adoption was finalized a month later as per state law. According to the couple they paid nothing but attorney's fees. It was done so quickly I don't even know if a home study was done or if any pre-adoption counseling was required, since it was all private.

This is unethical.

Probably also illegal.

It’s not illegal, just unethical and breaks doctor ethics. It happens more than is openly discussed.

That's what I've discovered. It's essentially an insiders game especially for those in ob/gyn field. Not illegal at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Going through IVF right now and won't do donor egg which is causing issues with my DH. I don't understand why women are so willing to carry just so their husband's genes can carry on. For those saying infertile men did this, injecting semen is a lot less work than going through the DE process - educate yourself. Also, in that case if my DH had wanted to go adoption route I would have understood the logic, not sure if I would make peace as I am not in that position.

For those that are saying you don't know what you get with adoption, this is true with DE. How well do you really think they vet donors? I agree with you OP, but this is your friends decision and obviously you're not confronting her about these choices but understand wanting to compare notes and talk it out, especially when in same boat. Seven rounds of IVF sounds devastating for your friend.

Over 10 rounds...

We did 9 rounds - with a pregnancy loss with each one. It was very difficult but in the end we have 2 lovely boys.

Just recently added a foster child to the mix - since the entire time we were going through IVF treatment there was a sibling pair of a cousin of mine that had gone into foster care/placement for adoption in that time. No one told us (in fact they hid it) because they didn't want the child(ren) moving out of state in order to stay with family. The grandparents had picked out "strangers" to be the childrens' adoptive families.

I just found out about the 3rd child in time to intervene and he is now with us. Child # 4 is also on the way. Hoping to help the mom to get her life together and be able to keep the baby. She had asked us to adopt the baby that is with us now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Going through IVF right now and won't do donor egg which is causing issues with my DH. I don't understand why women are so willing to carry just so their husband's genes can carry on. For those saying infertile men did this, injecting semen is a lot less work than going through the DE process - educate yourself. Also, in that case if my DH had wanted to go adoption route I would have understood the logic, not sure if I would make peace as I am not in that position.

For those that are saying you don't know what you get with adoption, this is true with DE. How well do you really think they vet donors? I agree with you OP, but this is your friends decision and obviously you're not confronting her about these choices but understand wanting to compare notes and talk it out, especially when in same boat. Seven rounds of IVF sounds devastating for your friend.

Over 10 rounds...

We did 9 rounds - with a pregnancy loss with each one. It was very difficult but in the end we have 2 lovely boys.

Just recently added a foster child to the mix - since the entire time we were going through IVF treatment there was a sibling trio of children of a cousin of mine struggling with addiction - the children had gone into foster care/placement for adoption in that time. No one told us (in fact they hid it) because they didn't want the child(ren) moving out of state in order to stay with family. The grandparents had picked out "strangers" to be the children's' adoptive families.

I just found out about the 3rd child in time to intervene and he is now with us. Child # 4 is also on the way. Hoping to help the mom to get her life together and be able to keep the baby. She had asked us to adopt the baby that is with us now.