In-laws being pushy about visiting.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP here - what responses! I think asking 1-2 months is not unreasonable, given the massive adjustment we’ll be going through. The rules apply across the board. And for everyone saying “have a heart, let them come at 2-3 weeks” - a month is four weeks. Is it really that big of a difference?

I’ve read several articles advocating waiting at least a month before allowing strangers around. I’m not interested in being immediately post-partum, bleeding, leaking milk/breastfeeding etc with my in-laws around. At least not until I get the hang of it. Is this really cruel, ridiculous, and selfish? I just don’t get these responses.

It is controlling for no reason. You will be fine. Everyone will be fine. Just let the grandparents see experience one of life's rare and precious events by seeing their newborn grandchild soon after it is born. They are not going to take the baby away from you. Being difficult now will not set up well for things between you guys later.

The grandparents are not "being pushy". They are just excited. Would you rather have the opposite?

I say all of this after having BTDT. I was a petty controlling b**** of a DIL for a while.

Fail to see how having boundaries = controlling b****. Also fail to see a huge distinction between two weeks and four weeks.

We have a good relationship generally. DH communicated that we would play it by ear, which is true. But they are chomping at the bit to see the baby within hours/days, which is a non-starter.

They’re excited. Try to stop judging them for just a few minutes and see their excitement coming from a place of love.

Their excitement is self-centered. The focus in the postpartum period should be on the comfort of the new mother.

It must be exhausting to go through life seeing everything through such a hostile, negative lens.

The only exhausting part about this are the self centered boomers like you.

Boomer? Yeah, no. Gen X all the way! We don’t complain or whine. Just suck it up and deal.

Hi, GenX here! Caving into pushy grandparents at the expense of the brand new mother and baby is not “suck it up and deal.” It’s stupid and it makes you sound like a Junior Boomer.

Fellow GenXer, you're probably at the point where your vision is starting to break down, so I'll give you a pass and gently invite you to actually read the post you're quoting. Nowhere do I advocate for caving to pushy grandparents. Not at any time in any way, shape or form. The response was to a poster who accused me of being a boomer because I asked why they couldn't entertain for a moment that the grandparents were coming from a place of love. It wasn't to get OP to cave. That's all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really want your kids to later say -grandma where were you when I was born? Granny says well honey I wasn’t there because I wasn’t welcome. Your mommy and daddy kept you away from me for months after you were born so I never knew you as a tiny baby.

Oh, look, emotional manipulation! Just like OP’s in-laws. Good one.

Seriously! What does it mean to even "know someone as a tiny baby?" The infant eats, shits, sleeps, cries, eats again. It's not like you're discussing your differing perspectives on Baudelaire's poems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really want your kids to later say -grandma where were you when I was born? Granny says well honey I wasn’t there because I wasn’t welcome. Your mommy and daddy kept you away from me for months after you were born so I never knew you as a tiny baby.

Oh, look, emotional manipulation! Just like OP’s in-laws. Good one.

Seriously! What does it mean to even "know someone as a tiny baby?" The infant eats, shits, sleeps, cries, eats again. It's not like you're discussing your differing perspectives on Baudelaire's poems.

Wow! You are a very crude person, pp. My mother met my older dcearlier and was around her more than my second dc. They have a much closer relationship. My mom had to move so that's why she didn't see my younger dc. If you can't get that the infant represents a new member of the family to the grandparents than I don't think anyone can convince you not to take a hard line against them. I'm not suggesting like other people have said to expect the mom to wait on you hand and foot but, what is wrong with wanting to meet the baby and snuggle?

[Anonymous]

Ugh, some people are so rotten and pushy. ‘What’s wrong with me getting a little snuggle and holding time?’ Really? The woman just gave birth. It’s an exhausting at best experience and traumatic at worst experience. Newborns and breastfeeding are exhausting until they get into a routine. The new parents should not have to set aside their physical and mental needs to humor you with your oh I want a snuggle. Let’s not forget there is still covid around plus RSV and a host of other viruses. If you give the newborn a virus while getting your little snuggle are you going to the NICU? Of course not, that wouldn’t look good on Facebook.

[Anonymous]

Op, DH tells them them The Plan. But Also, realize that not all plans end up happening the way you want them to. No matter how hard you want something. Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans. For my daughter, I knew delivering could likely be the most serious medical event she had experienced. I sure was going to be near-enough, so that if she wanted my comfort, I would be there. If she didn't that was ok too. I can wait.

Realize how wonderful it it that your family and little one is loved, loved before they even arrive. Don't be so nasty that you don't understand, that their love, is coming from a good place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, DH tells them them The Plan. But Also, realize that not all plans end up happening the way you want them to. No matter how hard you want something. Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans. For my daughter, I knew delivering could likely be the most serious medical event she had experienced. I sure was going to be near-enough, so that if she wanted my comfort, I would be there. If she didn't that was ok too. I can wait.

Realize how wonderful it it that your family and little one is loved, loved before they even arrive. Don't be so nasty that you don't understand, that their love, is coming from a good place.

Just stop it. You keep posting and throwing little digs at the OP. There is nothing nasty about her post. She and her husband politely told her in laws their plan and the in laws are the ones being nasty trying to ignore and disrespect their adult children’s wishes. They are not coming from a place of love, they are coming from a place of putting their wants over someone else’s need. This isn’t love, it’s selfishness.

[Anonymous]

A couple things that I think it may be worth clarifying here, and one question:

1. OP is stating that she wants NOBODY to meet the baby at all for up to two months (the timeline shifts a bit, and she is open to it evolving)
2. OP did not state that in general her inlaws are a problem.
3. This is not OP's first baby. There is another kid involved.


Many posters' reactions seem to assume a multi-day visit where the inlaws stay in OP's house. Is that the case? (Seems not, since OP already said that a half an hour at the hospital may be an option.) So people that had bad experiences with grandparents staying in their home in the early days after birth- whether helpful or unhelpful--are not really germane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, some people are so rotten and pushy. ‘What’s wrong with me getting a little snuggle and holding time?’ Really? The woman just gave birth. It’s an exhausting at best experience and traumatic at worst experience. Newborns and breastfeeding are exhausting until they get into a routine. The new parents should not have to set aside their physical and mental needs to humor you with your oh I want a snuggle. Let’s not forget there is still covid around plus RSV and a host of other viruses. If you give the newborn a virus while getting your little snuggle are you going to the NICU? Of course not, that wouldn’t look good on Facebook.

I fail to see how a quick visit either in the hospital or at home for a quick visit could do so much damage to snowflakes like you. You act like you are the first person to ever give birth and have to deal with new born baby and manage family relations.

If you choose to push your family away than accept the consequences of strained relations and lack of support when you deem you need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, DH tells them them The Plan. But Also, realize that not all plans end up happening the way you want them to. No matter how hard you want something. Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans. For my daughter, I knew delivering could likely be the most serious medical event she had experienced. I sure was going to be near-enough, so that if she wanted my comfort, I would be there. If she didn't that was ok too. I can wait.

Realize how wonderful it it that your family and little one is loved, loved before they even arrive. Don't be so nasty that you don't understand, that their love, is coming from a good place.

Just stop it. You keep posting and throwing little digs at the OP. There is nothing nasty about her post. She and her husband politely told her in laws their plan and the in laws are the ones being nasty trying to ignore and disrespect their adult children’s wishes. They are not coming from a place of love, they are coming from a place of putting their wants over someone else’s need. This isn’t love, it’s selfishness.

Sincere question here on the bolded....is there anything that a person (IL or otherwise) can do that asks questions or offers a compromise that would not be viewed as "disrespecting" wishes and being nasty?

To be clear, I agree that OP was not nasty in her post. But I really don't understand the POV that anything other than pure acquiesce/acceptance is necessarily disrespect or violating boundaries. Do you guys never push back or question a choice made by other people in your life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really want your kids to later say -grandma where were you when I was born? Granny says well honey I wasn’t there because I wasn’t welcome. Your mommy and daddy kept you away from me for months after you were born so I never knew you as a tiny baby.

This is so asinine. I never had these conversations with my grandparents, and I doubt you did either.

My kids ask their grandparents about when they "met" they all the time. It's definitely a thing.

NP. Here is how the conversation could go with an emotionally mature grandparent:

kid: Grandma, when did we meet?

Emotionally mature grandparent: Starting from the day you were born, your dad sent us so many pictures and videos of you. We even did a Facetime and I saw you with your bear and waving a rattle. I finally got to meet you in person when you were 2 months old. You were old enough then that your mom and dad weren't as worried about you getting sick from other people's germs. I was so happy and it was such a special day!

kid: Cool!

not our experience, this is not a thing.

+1. Yup, not a thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, DH tells them them The Plan. But Also, realize that not all plans end up happening the way you want them to. No matter how hard you want something. Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans. For my daughter, I knew delivering could likely be the most serious medical event she had experienced. I sure was going to be near-enough, so that if she wanted my comfort, I would be there. If she didn't that was ok too. I can wait.

Realize how wonderful it it that your family and little one is loved, loved before they even arrive. Don't be so nasty that you don't understand, that their love, is coming from a good place.

Just stop it. You keep posting and throwing little digs at the OP. There is nothing nasty about her post. She and her husband politely told her in laws their plan and the in laws are the ones being nasty trying to ignore and disrespect their adult children’s wishes. They are not coming from a place of love, they are coming from a place of putting their wants over someone else’s need. This isn’t love, it’s selfishness.

Sincere question here on the bolded....is there anything that a person (IL or otherwise) can do that asks questions or offers a compromise that would not be viewed as "disrespecting" wishes and being nasty?

To be clear, I agree that OP was not nasty in her post. But I really don't understand the POV that anything other than pure acquiesce/acceptance is necessarily disrespect or violating boundaries. Do you guys never push back or question a choice made by other people in your life?

When someone clearly states that I’m not invited somewhere then yes I accept it. Pushing back or seeking a compromise is EXACTLY what being pushy and selfish means. They’ve told you no, you aren’t owed a compromise of less time than you demanded but more than they offered. Let them be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, DH tells them them The Plan. But Also, realize that not all plans end up happening the way you want them to. No matter how hard you want something. Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans. For my daughter, I knew delivering could likely be the most serious medical event she had experienced. I sure was going to be near-enough, so that if she wanted my comfort, I would be there. If she didn't that was ok too. I can wait.

Realize how wonderful it it that your family and little one is loved, loved before they even arrive. Don't be so nasty that you don't understand, that their love, is coming from a good place.

Just stop it. You keep posting and throwing little digs at the OP. There is nothing nasty about her post. She and her husband politely told her in laws their plan and the in laws are the ones being nasty trying to ignore and disrespect their adult children’s wishes. They are not coming from a place of love, they are coming from a place of putting their wants over someone else’s need. This isn’t love, it’s selfishness.

Sincere question here on the bolded....is there anything that a person (IL or otherwise) can do that asks questions or offers a compromise that would not be viewed as "disrespecting" wishes and being nasty?

To be clear, I agree that OP was not nasty in her post. But I really don't understand the POV that anything other than pure acquiesce/acceptance is necessarily disrespect or violating boundaries. Do you guys never push back or question a choice made by other people in your life?

When someone clearly states that I’m not invited somewhere then yes I accept it. Pushing back or seeking a compromise is EXACTLY what being pushy and selfish means. They’ve told you no, you aren’t owed a compromise of less time than you demanded but more than they offered. Let them be.

That's fine but when the parents invite the grandparents over and they say " no thanks" I hope you all can accept it as well. Boundaries goes both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, DH tells them them The Plan. But Also, realize that not all plans end up happening the way you want them to. No matter how hard you want something. Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans. For my daughter, I knew delivering could likely be the most serious medical event she had experienced. I sure was going to be near-enough, so that if she wanted my comfort, I would be there. If she didn't that was ok too. I can wait.

Realize how wonderful it it that your family and little one is loved, loved before they even arrive. Don't be so nasty that you don't understand, that their love, is coming from a good place.

Just stop it. You keep posting and throwing little digs at the OP. There is nothing nasty about her post. She and her husband politely told her in laws their plan and the in laws are the ones being nasty trying to ignore and disrespect their adult children’s wishes. They are not coming from a place of love, they are coming from a place of putting their wants over someone else’s need. This isn’t love, it’s selfishness.

Sincere question here on the bolded....is there anything that a person (IL or otherwise) can do that asks questions or offers a compromise that would not be viewed as "disrespecting" wishes and being nasty?

To be clear, I agree that OP was not nasty in her post. But I really don't understand the POV that anything other than pure acquiesce/acceptance is necessarily disrespect or violating boundaries. Do you guys never push back or question a choice made by other people in your life?

When someone clearly states that I’m not invited somewhere then yes I accept it. Pushing back or seeking a compromise is EXACTLY what being pushy and selfish means. They’ve told you no, you aren’t owed a compromise of less time than you demanded but more than they offered. Let them be.

So how about this (and yes I know I am inventing facts that OP never said. I am trying to figure out where the line on "pushy and selfish" is for some of you.)

OP/DH: We are not having anyone over to see the baby for the first two months. We want to get through the adjustment and limit potential exposure to viruses.

Grandparent: I see. How about we come by after you're home for a few days to drop off a lasagna. We'll wear masks and have a quick ten minute meeting with the baby and then take DC1 off your hands for a few hours and take him/her out to lunch and the park. We'll wear masks the whole time. Would that work for you?

Pushy, selfish, boundary violation?

[Anonymous]

OP will be posting a year from now one of those every-other-day posts about how exhausted she is and how she has family nearby but they’re just awful people who won’t help out. You make your bed…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP will be posting a year from now one of those every-other-day posts about how exhausted she is and how she has family nearby but they’re just awful people who won’t help out. You make your bed…

I will not. This is my third kid and I am well-aware of the challenges involved in parenting small children. None of our family is local. The answers on this thread are absurd, but I guess that’s what I get for crowd-sourcing a personal challenge with anonymous keyboard warriors.

Really insightful to see how many people think the comfort, wants, and needs of grandparents should trump the wishes of the parents/health of the newborn infant, particularly in this day and age.