How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op is way ahead of those married to asd who temper tantrums and is verbally abusive and around the kids.

Today he was eating dinner, in his own world, chewing with his mouth open and eating quickly (a slob). I said, chew with your mouth closed, he storms off to the living room to eat (immature), I say don’t have a temper tantrum just chew with your mouth closed, and he yells Shut up (a jerk).

This is how he is anytime someone talks to him in the house about a request or concern. He wants everyone to never talk, leave him alone and walk on eggshells. He’s been working all day on his work computer too plus did one sports drive.

How do you deal with that?

We have kids so I treat him like a kid.

Bad manners get called out.
Temper tantrums get called out.
Name calling and saying Shut Up get called out.

I’m done propping him up or suffering from his bad habits and carelessness.

Kids are in therapy so they know the difference between good behavior and bad behavior.

He often parentifies the kids since they have surpassed him with better life habits, know their schedule, and aren’t rude too much. Things can backpeddle once in awhile and I cringe when one copied his bad habits and poor behavior. He’s usually like a bump on a log in the house. Hiding on his phone in the couch, basement or a bathroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op is way ahead of those married to asd who temper tantrums and is verbally abusive and around the kids.

Today he was eating dinner, in his own world, chewing with his mouth open and eating quickly (a slob). I said, chew with your mouth closed, he storms off to the living room to eat (immature), I say don’t have a temper tantrum just chew with your mouth closed, and he yells Shut up (a jerk).

This is how he is anytime someone talks to him in the house about a request or concern. He wants everyone to never talk, leave him alone and walk on eggshells. He’s been working all day on his work computer too plus did one sports drive.

I think the videos where they tell you not to criticize your spouse and let them live their life is the way to go. Just because he doesn't do certain things does not mean he wants to be treated like a child. Save it for the real emergencies and that goes for all spouses.

He’s already admitted to not doing such things at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how did you date and fall in love with him? surely this isn't a new thing.

This reply sounds like it’s from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like. Let me explain. The partner can temporarily mask it but then after you’re married, their mask comes off. You begin to realize that something is off but you don’t know what. Then one day it dawns on you what has happened and you’re already 5-20 years into the marriage - probably with children. It is shocking and devastating when put the pieces together because you’re in so deep.

I too am curious how to survive this type of marriage. My spouse, though incredibly successful in the business realm, is so awkward and seems like he’s is another world when he’s home, without the structure of his work. It’s like he has no common sense. Our communication usually doesn’t connect. The kids are embarrassed by his social awkwardness - like him trying to be funny and he’s just not even close to being funny, or him teasing at them like they’re 5 but they’re 20 years old. Ugh.

I don’t think it was “masked.” I also have a child with ASD, and between my memories of my early relationship wit hDH and watching DS, I would say that when we started dating, I was DH’s “special interest.”

He wanted to know everything about me and thought I was incredibly interesting. I was kind of a shy introvert and loved that this guy wanted to spend all of his time at a party (or wherever we went) talking to me. I had just gotten out of a relationship with a big extrovert who introduced me to a lot of different people, but often left me alone. DH seemed amazing.

OP I think there are a lot of ASD parents on this thread trying to dismiss your concerns - when they should be doing exactly the opposite. People know when they live with someone with HFA ASD - it can not be masked (or kept a secret) forever.

I’m an ASD parent here but I am not “dismissing concerns.” I’m dispelling the weird new trend of deciding to call jerk husbands “autistic,” and stereotypes about autistic people as incapable of emotions, empathy, and relationships. As well, PP seems to now even be framing her DH’s *positive* characteristics (being dedicated and attentive) as bad “autistic” features. Look I am sure it is a challenge to be married to a person with autism sometimes, but this thread and its multiple predecessors are trafficking in ugly stereotypes, not being helpful.

As you should and thank you for doing it. I'm honestly sick of these threads and don't know why they are allowed.

NP. “Allowed”?! Why wouldn’t they be allowed? Because your perspective is different? Say your piece and move on. You’ll have people who agree with you and those that don’t. How about it trying to shut down the dialogue just because your perspective is different? Try skipping those threads.

+1

generally advancing negative stereotypes is deletable on DCUM.

So now it’s “advancing negative stereotypes”? Is that the new “misinformation” when someone has a different opinion or dares to question something? Honestly, I think ADHD and ASD and autism are probably way over diagnosed, and I think it’s easy nowadays to point the finger at a spouse’s issues and wrap them up in a clean diagnose. But there are also plenty of people out there who have slipped through an actual diagnosis that have never been treated and perhaps should have been. And they are married to spouses who are starting to question what they’re dealing with. Shutting that dialog down is bullshit. Many of the people on this thread are offering their own experiences. Just because you don’t agree with them doesn’t mean they are stereotyping.

Let me be clear. There are women on here making the impossible claim that their charming, socially adept husbands are actually autistic men masking their whole lives. They do this in order to blame all bad behavior on autism. That is both misleading and a negative stereotype of autism. I have not asked for anything to be deleted; in contrast those women are currently freaking out at having to face the fact that they are in a fantasy world where they project their problems on an imaginary diagnosis.

Let me be clear, as well. You are not in their homes or married to their spouses. Unless you’re going to pop your medical license up on here to show us your medical creds, as well as visit these homes to appropriately diagnose their spouses, you are no better informed than anyone else is on this thread. Stop trying to control the narrative.

Well then you and op should stfu and just speak to your husband's doctors and therapists instead of creating multiple threads to bash people with autism and getting mad when you're called out on your BS. The professionals have to tolerate your bs ( though I'm guessing they're tired of it too this your need to spee your hatred here) we don't have to tolerate your bs and we can call the lies out and I don't care if you don't like it

???

Classy but ???? Is this ASD Mom again you’re all talking about. Probably.

PP to whom this classy POS was responding. She’s lost her mind, and her super sensitive feels over someone else saying back off and let people talk it out shows how pathetically equipped she is to deal with this or any other crisis. Not a chance now that I’ll STFU, and my husband doesn’t have a doctor and isn’t on the spectrum NOR am I one of the posters alleging that he is! But if he was and I dared to raise it in this OPEN FORUM, she’d pitch a fit because it’s “advancing negative stereotypes” for asking about behaviors that she doesn’t think fit in the ASD bucket. I never even wrote anything about my spouse; I looked at the thread because I know several people on the spectrum and I was curious about the behaviors people are witnessing in their homes. There’s not an ounce of hatred or anger here, and she hasn’t “called me out” on one damn thing but she can keep trying. Good Lord, I simply said let people talk and stop controlling the dialogue. I’d ask how she thinks that that’s “spewing hatred” and “bashing people with autism” but I’d be foolish to expect a reasonable response from that harpy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op is way ahead of those married to asd who temper tantrums and is verbally abusive and around the kids.

Today he was eating dinner, in his own world, chewing with his mouth open and eating quickly (a slob). I said, chew with your mouth closed, he storms off to the living room to eat (immature), I say don’t have a temper tantrum just chew with your mouth closed, and he yells Shut up (a jerk).

This is how he is anytime someone talks to him in the house about a request or concern. He wants everyone to never talk, leave him alone and walk on eggshells. He’s been working all day on his work computer too plus did one sports drive.

How do you deal with that?

We have kids so I treat him like a kid.

Bad manners get called out.
Temper tantrums get called out.
Name calling and saying Shut Up get called out.

I’m done propping him up or suffering from his bad habits and carelessness.

Kids are in therapy so they know the difference between good behavior and bad behavior.

He often parentifies the kids since they have surpassed him with better life habits, know their schedule, and aren’t rude too much. Things can backpeddle once in awhile and I cringe when one copied his bad habits and poor behavior. He’s usually like a bump on a log in the house. Hiding on his phone in the couch, basement or a bathroom.

I for one cannot imagine how this method could possibly breed resentment in a spouse…..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op is way ahead of those married to asd who temper tantrums and is verbally abusive and around the kids.

Today he was eating dinner, in his own world, chewing with his mouth open and eating quickly (a slob). I said, chew with your mouth closed, he storms off to the living room to eat (immature), I say don’t have a temper tantrum just chew with your mouth closed, and he yells Shut up (a jerk).

This is how he is anytime someone talks to him in the house about a request or concern. He wants everyone to never talk, leave him alone and walk on eggshells. He’s been working all day on his work computer too plus did one sports drive.

I think the videos where they tell you not to criticize your spouse and let them live their life is the way to go. Just because he doesn't do certain things does not mean he wants to be treated like a child. Save it for the real emergencies and that goes for all spouses.

He’s already admitted to not doing such things at work.

What does work have to do with anything? You are treating him with contempt. The marriage won't last that way. No one wants to live that way. Sorry he isn't who you want him to be but your method will not lead to where you want it to go. Just focus on yourself and let the little things go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op is way ahead of those married to asd who temper tantrums and is verbally abusive and around the kids.

Today he was eating dinner, in his own world, chewing with his mouth open and eating quickly (a slob). I said, chew with your mouth closed, he storms off to the living room to eat (immature), I say don’t have a temper tantrum just chew with your mouth closed, and he yells Shut up (a jerk).

This is how he is anytime someone talks to him in the house about a request or concern. He wants everyone to never talk, leave him alone and walk on eggshells. He’s been working all day on his work computer too plus did one sports drive.

I … don’t think this anecdote is doing what you want it to do …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is practical advice for the OP or more of a social-anthropologically minded response to some of the PPs but it may be useful to take a moment to familiarize with marriage and kinship patterns from basically any culture and time period pre 20th cent. Once you realize how much we currently require from our marital relationships (lover, friend, domestic laborer, financial provider) it doesn't take much to see how a larger group of people, and certainly those who are not neurotypical, can fail to meet expectations more easily.

In general, contemporary society exacerbates neurodiverse traits which I think is one of the reasons we are seeing an increase in diagnoses. So many things that made life simpler to navigate have disappeared: clearly defined social norms and expectations, clearly defined gender roles, clear lines between work and home life, widespread religious life and the daily/weekly rhythms associated with religious rituals and customs, etc. Some of these things you might say we are better off without but there are always knock-on effects with social change and the fact that we have very few remaining social structures that we all organize our lives by makes life more stressful for the neurodiverse adult. There are no guardrails. We all have to reinvent the wheel of what functional social and homes lives look like and it's harder for those with ASD, and to a lesser extent ADHD, to do this. Adults need role models too and nuclear families are by default siloed off from one another.

Maybe some will read this and say well, we live in the here and now. And I agree that you can't just exit society and live in a world where your ideals about marriage and home life arent impacted by the mainstream culture. But when you take some time to reflect on how our current marriage, kinship and social patterns (ie egalitarian/nuclear family, broken/distant family networks, lack of religious community, etc) are so totally alien from most of human history, it doesn't take much to see that we've created a society that is harder for those who aren't naturals at forming social connections to navigate. We literally have parents on here saying that the world we live in can no longer support someone with ASD having a spouse or kids--the marital expectations are just too demanding. That's been taken away from them. And that's a problem for all of us bc human civilization cannot flourish without the neurodiverse.

I don’t disagree with what you wrote. Simpler times, simpler life, good for ASD.

I think today is easy living for someone with little exec functioning, social skills and common sense.
For examples, schools have no tests or grades, book smart people go to college, get a computer job at home, get paid, online order their food, have a cleaning lady. They must be thriving right? Maybe, their life is simply, centered on them and computer job and they have limited interaction with others. They can survive that.

Long ago, they wouldn’t survive. They had to pay attention and hunt for food, stay away from danger, have their wits about them at the factory floor, remember what crops to plant at the right time/ and harvest them, and so forth. Worst case, they were out of it and stayed home with Ma, who worked sub up until Sun down.

So I disagree that todays virtual and online world is tough on ASD; it’s almost ideal. And maybe could even confuse a date or two.
What’s not confusing is todays online world and tasks don’t really test one’s social skills, coordination, communication skills, or what kind of father they will make.

Buyer beware.

I agree. The current technological lifestyle is an asd's dream

Maybe not. ASD husband hates video calls because when people are cut off at the waist or neck or whatever its just that much harder for him to read body language and see fine facial details with all the crazy video filters. He was taught to be more aware of those social cues in person and can't seem to pick up digitally. And. He. Hates. Text. Because it can come at him at all times. The pressure, the pressure

Just. Can’t. Adapt.

Only knows what he has already experienced. Cannot adapt and apply senses and knowledge to new situations.

We get it, you hate people with autism. Anything else to add?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op is way ahead of those married to asd who temper tantrums and is verbally abusive and around the kids.

Today he was eating dinner, in his own world, chewing with his mouth open and eating quickly (a slob). I said, chew with your mouth closed, he storms off to the living room to eat (immature), I say don’t have a temper tantrum just chew with your mouth closed, and he yells Shut up (a jerk).

This is how he is anytime someone talks to him in the house about a request or concern. He wants everyone to never talk, leave him alone and walk on eggshells. He’s been working all day on his work computer too plus did one sports drive.

How do you deal with that?

We have kids so I treat him like a kid.

Bad manners get called out.
Temper tantrums get called out.
Name calling and saying Shut Up get called out.

I’m done propping him up or suffering from his bad habits and carelessness.

Kids are in therapy so they know the difference between good behavior and bad behavior.

He often parentifies the kids since they have surpassed him with better life habits, know their schedule, and aren’t rude too much. Things can backpeddle once in awhile and I cringe when one copied his bad habits and poor behavior. He’s usually like a bump on a log in the house. Hiding on his phone in the couch, basement or a bathroom.

You think this is better than divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how did you date and fall in love with him? surely this isn't a new thing.

This reply sounds like it’s from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like. Let me explain. The partner can temporarily mask it but then after you’re married, their mask comes off. You begin to realize that something is off but you don’t know what. Then one day it dawns on you what has happened and you’re already 5-20 years into the marriage - probably with children. It is shocking and devastating when put the pieces together because you’re in so deep.

I too am curious how to survive this type of marriage. My spouse, though incredibly successful in the business realm, is so awkward and seems like he’s is another world when he’s home, without the structure of his work. It’s like he has no common sense. Our communication usually doesn’t connect. The kids are embarrassed by his social awkwardness - like him trying to be funny and he’s just not even close to being funny, or him teasing at them like they’re 5 but they’re 20 years old. Ugh.

I don’t think it was “masked.” I also have a child with ASD, and between my memories of my early relationship wit hDH and watching DS, I would say that when we started dating, I was DH’s “special interest.”

He wanted to know everything about me and thought I was incredibly interesting. I was kind of a shy introvert and loved that this guy wanted to spend all of his time at a party (or wherever we went) talking to me. I had just gotten out of a relationship with a big extrovert who introduced me to a lot of different people, but often left me alone. DH seemed amazing.

OP I think there are a lot of ASD parents on this thread trying to dismiss your concerns - when they should be doing exactly the opposite. People know when they live with someone with HFA ASD - it can not be masked (or kept a secret) forever.

I’m an ASD parent here but I am not “dismissing concerns.” I’m dispelling the weird new trend of deciding to call jerk husbands “autistic,” and stereotypes about autistic people as incapable of emotions, empathy, and relationships. As well, PP seems to now even be framing her DH’s *positive* characteristics (being dedicated and attentive) as bad “autistic” features. Look I am sure it is a challenge to be married to a person with autism sometimes, but this thread and its multiple predecessors are trafficking in ugly stereotypes, not being helpful.

As you should and thank you for doing it. I'm honestly sick of these threads and don't know why they are allowed.

NP. “Allowed”?! Why wouldn’t they be allowed? Because your perspective is different? Say your piece and move on. You’ll have people who agree with you and those that don’t. How about it trying to shut down the dialogue just because your perspective is different? Try skipping those threads.

+1

generally advancing negative stereotypes is deletable on DCUM.

So now it’s “advancing negative stereotypes”? Is that the new “misinformation” when someone has a different opinion or dares to question something? Honestly, I think ADHD and ASD and autism are probably way over diagnosed, and I think it’s easy nowadays to point the finger at a spouse’s issues and wrap them up in a clean diagnose. But there are also plenty of people out there who have slipped through an actual diagnosis that have never been treated and perhaps should have been. And they are married to spouses who are starting to question what they’re dealing with. Shutting that dialog down is bullshit. Many of the people on this thread are offering their own experiences. Just because you don’t agree with them doesn’t mean they are stereotyping.

Let me be clear. There are women on here making the impossible claim that their charming, socially adept husbands are actually autistic men masking their whole lives. They do this in order to blame all bad behavior on autism. That is both misleading and a negative stereotype of autism. I have not asked for anything to be deleted; in contrast those women are currently freaking out at having to face the fact that they are in a fantasy world where they project their problems on an imaginary diagnosis.

Let me be clear, as well. You are not in their homes or married to their spouses. Unless you’re going to pop your medical license up on here to show us your medical creds, as well as visit these homes to appropriately diagnose their spouses, you are no better informed than anyone else is on this thread. Stop trying to control the narrative.

Well then you and op should stfu and just speak to your husband's doctors and therapists instead of creating multiple threads to bash people with autism and getting mad when you're called out on your BS. The professionals have to tolerate your bs ( though I'm guessing they're tired of it too this your need to spee your hatred here) we don't have to tolerate your bs and we can call the lies out and I don't care if you don't like it

???

Classy but ???? Is this ASD Mom again you’re all talking about. Probably.

PP to whom this classy POS was responding. She’s lost her mind, and her super sensitive feels over someone else saying back off and let people talk it out shows how pathetically equipped she is to deal with this or any other crisis. Not a chance now that I’ll STFU, and my husband doesn’t have a doctor and isn’t on the spectrum NOR am I one of the posters alleging that he is! But if he was and I dared to raise it in this OPEN FORUM, she’d pitch a fit because it’s “advancing negative stereotypes” for asking about behaviors that she doesn’t think fit in the ASD bucket. I never even wrote anything about my spouse; I looked at the thread because I know several people on the spectrum and I was curious about the behaviors people are witnessing in their homes. There’s not an ounce of hatred or anger here, and she hasn’t “called me out” on one damn thing but she can keep trying. Good Lord, I simply said let people talk and stop controlling the dialogue. I’d ask how she thinks that that’s “spewing hatred” and “bashing people with autism” but I’d be foolish to expect a reasonable response from that harpy.

ok you sure seem like the sane one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op is way ahead of those married to asd who temper tantrums and is verbally abusive and around the kids.

Today he was eating dinner, in his own world, chewing with his mouth open and eating quickly (a slob). I said, chew with your mouth closed, he storms off to the living room to eat (immature), I say don’t have a temper tantrum just chew with your mouth closed, and he yells Shut up (a jerk).

This is how he is anytime someone talks to him in the house about a request or concern. He wants everyone to never talk, leave him alone and walk on eggshells. He’s been working all day on his work computer too plus did one sports drive.

I think the videos where they tell you not to criticize your spouse and let them live their life is the way to go. Just because he doesn't do certain things does not mean he wants to be treated like a child. Save it for the real emergencies and that goes for all spouses.

He’s already admitted to not doing such things at work.

What does work have to do with anything? You are treating him with contempt. The marriage won't last that way. No one wants to live that way. Sorry he isn't who you want him to be but your method will not lead to where you want it to go. Just focus on yourself and let the little things go.

So he chews with his mouth closed at work but not for his wife and kids.

He responds to questions at work but temper tantrums off stonewalling at home.

He yells Shut up at home but not at work.

What a role model for his kids.

Glad he mainly sits around doing and saying nothing, I guess…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how did you date and fall in love with him? surely this isn't a new thing.

This reply sounds like it’s from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like. Let me explain. The partner can temporarily mask it but then after you’re married, their mask comes off. You begin to realize that something is off but you don’t know what. Then one day it dawns on you what has happened and you’re already 5-20 years into the marriage - probably with children. It is shocking and devastating when put the pieces together because you’re in so deep.

I too am curious how to survive this type of marriage. My spouse, though incredibly successful in the business realm, is so awkward and seems like he’s is another world when he’s home, without the structure of his work. It’s like he has no common sense. Our communication usually doesn’t connect. The kids are embarrassed by his social awkwardness - like him trying to be funny and he’s just not even close to being funny, or him teasing at them like they’re 5 but they’re 20 years old. Ugh.

I don’t think it was “masked.” I also have a child with ASD, and between my memories of my early relationship wit hDH and watching DS, I would say that when we started dating, I was DH’s “special interest.”

He wanted to know everything about me and thought I was incredibly interesting. I was kind of a shy introvert and loved that this guy wanted to spend all of his time at a party (or wherever we went) talking to me. I had just gotten out of a relationship with a big extrovert who introduced me to a lot of different people, but often left me alone. DH seemed amazing.

OP I think there are a lot of ASD parents on this thread trying to dismiss your concerns - when they should be doing exactly the opposite. People know when they live with someone with HFA ASD - it can not be masked (or kept a secret) forever.

I’m an ASD parent here but I am not “dismissing concerns.” I’m dispelling the weird new trend of deciding to call jerk husbands “autistic,” and stereotypes about autistic people as incapable of emotions, empathy, and relationships. As well, PP seems to now even be framing her DH’s *positive* characteristics (being dedicated and attentive) as bad “autistic” features. Look I am sure it is a challenge to be married to a person with autism sometimes, but this thread and its multiple predecessors are trafficking in ugly stereotypes, not being helpful.

As you should and thank you for doing it. I'm honestly sick of these threads and don't know why they are allowed.

NP. “Allowed”?! Why wouldn’t they be allowed? Because your perspective is different? Say your piece and move on. You’ll have people who agree with you and those that don’t. How about it trying to shut down the dialogue just because your perspective is different? Try skipping those threads.

+1

generally advancing negative stereotypes is deletable on DCUM.

So now it’s “advancing negative stereotypes”? Is that the new “misinformation” when someone has a different opinion or dares to question something? Honestly, I think ADHD and ASD and autism are probably way over diagnosed, and I think it’s easy nowadays to point the finger at a spouse’s issues and wrap them up in a clean diagnose. But there are also plenty of people out there who have slipped through an actual diagnosis that have never been treated and perhaps should have been. And they are married to spouses who are starting to question what they’re dealing with. Shutting that dialog down is bullshit. Many of the people on this thread are offering their own experiences. Just because you don’t agree with them doesn’t mean they are stereotyping.

Let me be clear. There are women on here making the impossible claim that their charming, socially adept husbands are actually autistic men masking their whole lives. They do this in order to blame all bad behavior on autism. That is both misleading and a negative stereotype of autism. I have not asked for anything to be deleted; in contrast those women are currently freaking out at having to face the fact that they are in a fantasy world where they project their problems on an imaginary diagnosis.

Let me be clear, as well. You are not in their homes or married to their spouses. Unless you’re going to pop your medical license up on here to show us your medical creds, as well as visit these homes to appropriately diagnose their spouses, you are no better informed than anyone else is on this thread. Stop trying to control the narrative.

Well then you and op should stfu and just speak to your husband's doctors and therapists instead of creating multiple threads to bash people with autism and getting mad when you're called out on your BS. The professionals have to tolerate your bs ( though I'm guessing they're tired of it too this your need to spee your hatred here) we don't have to tolerate your bs and we can call the lies out and I don't care if you don't like it

???

Classy but ???? Is this ASD Mom again you’re all talking about. Probably.

PP to whom this classy POS was responding. She’s lost her mind, and her super sensitive feels over someone else saying back off and let people talk it out shows how pathetically equipped she is to deal with this or any other crisis. Not a chance now that I’ll STFU, and my husband doesn’t have a doctor and isn’t on the spectrum NOR am I one of the posters alleging that he is! But if he was and I dared to raise it in this OPEN FORUM, she’d pitch a fit because it’s “advancing negative stereotypes” for asking about behaviors that she doesn’t think fit in the ASD bucket. I never even wrote anything about my spouse; I looked at the thread because I know several people on the spectrum and I was curious about the behaviors people are witnessing in their homes. There’s not an ounce of hatred or anger here, and she hasn’t “called me out” on one damn thing but she can keep trying. Good Lord, I simply said let people talk and stop controlling the dialogue. I’d ask how she thinks that that’s “spewing hatred” and “bashing people with autism” but I’d be foolish to expect a reasonable response from that harpy.

ok you sure seem like the sane one.

Thx ASD Mom. Luv ur last 6+ rapid fire posts. So spot on. Not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how did you date and fall in love with him? surely this isn't a new thing.

This reply sounds like it’s from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like. Let me explain. The partner can temporarily mask it but then after you’re married, their mask comes off. You begin to realize that something is off but you don’t know what. Then one day it dawns on you what has happened and you’re already 5-20 years into the marriage - probably with children. It is shocking and devastating when put the pieces together because you’re in so deep.

I too am curious how to survive this type of marriage. My spouse, though incredibly successful in the business realm, is so awkward and seems like he’s is another world when he’s home, without the structure of his work. It’s like he has no common sense. Our communication usually doesn’t connect. The kids are embarrassed by his social awkwardness - like him trying to be funny and he’s just not even close to being funny, or him teasing at them like they’re 5 but they’re 20 years old. Ugh.

I don’t think it was “masked.” I also have a child with ASD, and between my memories of my early relationship wit hDH and watching DS, I would say that when we started dating, I was DH’s “special interest.”

He wanted to know everything about me and thought I was incredibly interesting. I was kind of a shy introvert and loved that this guy wanted to spend all of his time at a party (or wherever we went) talking to me. I had just gotten out of a relationship with a big extrovert who introduced me to a lot of different people, but often left me alone. DH seemed amazing.

OP I think there are a lot of ASD parents on this thread trying to dismiss your concerns - when they should be doing exactly the opposite. People know when they live with someone with HFA ASD - it can not be masked (or kept a secret) forever.

I’m an ASD parent here but I am not “dismissing concerns.” I’m dispelling the weird new trend of deciding to call jerk husbands “autistic,” and stereotypes about autistic people as incapable of emotions, empathy, and relationships. As well, PP seems to now even be framing her DH’s *positive* characteristics (being dedicated and attentive) as bad “autistic” features. Look I am sure it is a challenge to be married to a person with autism sometimes, but this thread and its multiple predecessors are trafficking in ugly stereotypes, not being helpful.

As you should and thank you for doing it. I'm honestly sick of these threads and don't know why they are allowed.

NP. “Allowed”?! Why wouldn’t they be allowed? Because your perspective is different? Say your piece and move on. You’ll have people who agree with you and those that don’t. How about it trying to shut down the dialogue just because your perspective is different? Try skipping those threads.

+1

generally advancing negative stereotypes is deletable on DCUM.

So now it’s “advancing negative stereotypes”? Is that the new “misinformation” when someone has a different opinion or dares to question something? Honestly, I think ADHD and ASD and autism are probably way over diagnosed, and I think it’s easy nowadays to point the finger at a spouse’s issues and wrap them up in a clean diagnose. But there are also plenty of people out there who have slipped through an actual diagnosis that have never been treated and perhaps should have been. And they are married to spouses who are starting to question what they’re dealing with. Shutting that dialog down is bullshit. Many of the people on this thread are offering their own experiences. Just because you don’t agree with them doesn’t mean they are stereotyping.

Let me be clear. There are women on here making the impossible claim that their charming, socially adept husbands are actually autistic men masking their whole lives. They do this in order to blame all bad behavior on autism. That is both misleading and a negative stereotype of autism. I have not asked for anything to be deleted; in contrast those women are currently freaking out at having to face the fact that they are in a fantasy world where they project their problems on an imaginary diagnosis.

Let me be clear, as well. You are not in their homes or married to their spouses. Unless you’re going to pop your medical license up on here to show us your medical creds, as well as visit these homes to appropriately diagnose their spouses, you are no better informed than anyone else is on this thread. Stop trying to control the narrative.

Well then you and op should stfu and just speak to your husband's doctors and therapists instead of creating multiple threads to bash people with autism and getting mad when you're called out on your BS. The professionals have to tolerate your bs ( though I'm guessing they're tired of it too this your need to spee your hatred here) we don't have to tolerate your bs and we can call the lies out and I don't care if you don't like it

???

Classy but ???? Is this ASD Mom again you’re all talking about. Probably.

PP to whom this classy POS was responding. She’s lost her mind, and her super sensitive feels over someone else saying back off and let people talk it out shows how pathetically equipped she is to deal with this or any other crisis. Not a chance now that I’ll STFU, and my husband doesn’t have a doctor and isn’t on the spectrum NOR am I one of the posters alleging that he is! But if he was and I dared to raise it in this OPEN FORUM, she’d pitch a fit because it’s “advancing negative stereotypes” for asking about behaviors that she doesn’t think fit in the ASD bucket. I never even wrote anything about my spouse; I looked at the thread because I know several people on the spectrum and I was curious about the behaviors people are witnessing in their homes. There’s not an ounce of hatred or anger here, and she hasn’t “called me out” on one damn thing but she can keep trying. Good Lord, I simply said let people talk and stop controlling the dialogue. I’d ask how she thinks that that’s “spewing hatred” and “bashing people with autism” but I’d be foolish to expect a reasonable response from that harpy.

ok you sure seem like the sane one.

Thx ASD Mom. Luv ur last 6+ rapid fire posts. So spot on. Not.

I mean, “ASD Mom,” really? You make my point for me so well.

Anyway I’ve been on DCUM for quite awhile, and I don’t think I’ve ever read anything quite as unhinged as your screed. It honestly scared me a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op is way ahead of those married to asd who temper tantrums and is verbally abusive and around the kids.

Today he was eating dinner, in his own world, chewing with his mouth open and eating quickly (a slob). I said, chew with your mouth closed, he storms off to the living room to eat (immature), I say don’t have a temper tantrum just chew with your mouth closed, and he yells Shut up (a jerk).

This is how he is anytime someone talks to him in the house about a request or concern. He wants everyone to never talk, leave him alone and walk on eggshells. He’s been working all day on his work computer too plus did one sports drive.

That's not really a nice way to talk to anyone...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shift gears, OP. You have to look out for yourself and your kids. I have seen posts like yours where the "Divorce, you idiot!" types come out, and they are relentless. In short, they want you to be AT LEAST as miserable as they are.

My best suggestion is to get help for yourself. Do for yourself. You are probably a doer and a giver, and certain types of people take advantage of that. Throw ASD in, and you could become overwhelmed very easily. You seriously need to watch out for you.

Most of our kids are older now, but through the years, DH has had his rages, and we know not to entertain them now. It was tough, because he would throw things and it would be bad. When he wasn't getting the attention he needed, he would drive recklessly with me in the car, once with one of the kids in the car. I told him he would lose everything, his job, his house, me, the kids - every last thing if that happened again, because I was going to the police. The older kids are totally in on his behaviors. His triangulation attempts did nothing for him.

You need someone on YOUR side.

DH is the most charming man I know - seriously, he should be a politician. No one in the community has any idea what we as a family go through, with DH. He will charm anyone, and he especially likes to be the good guy. Most of DH's behavior has to do with his uber dysfunctional family. They make my family look like Leave it to Beaver - it is crazy the sh*t that carries on, well into adult hood.

Now, DH knows that my respect for those who treated him the way they continue to do is zippo, zilch, zero, nada. And my tolerance for his shenanigans is exactly that, too. DH did not have any great, or even good role models growing up, and his parents were not close, warm or loving, they pretty much just existed. I rarely hear happy stories, just the same old stories ultimately making fun of....you guessed it...DH.

I try to plan for certain outings, and we are working our way up to small trips. Now that the kids are getting older, it will eventually be just me and him - he has to learn to deal with me, not the other way around.

If he is super charming while out and about, fine, but they are going to know what I have to deal with, too - eventually. He is not getting a free pass. That is what he responds to, so be it. He made his bed.

Your tolerance level has to decrease. Do not snap - do not fight fire with fire, do not harp, do not whine, beg or nag. Just be. Be factual, no nonsense: "I know what you are doing and it will not be tolerated". End story.

You are not alone, OP.

And as for the PP who is worried about their ASD kid being married - please, one thing at a time. Do not make another human their adult mother. Do YOUR job, be present, be attentive. Now.

This is OP
Thank you for this thoughtful post.
I have been trying to do just what you suggested-look out for me.
It's hard because my nature is to care about others, but DH takes advantage of that.
I do love him, and he does try, but it's exhausting to have to explain everything to him over and over.
He does come from a dysfunctional family (narcissist mom, co-dependent dad).
He does put our kids' needs first, which his parents never did.
But my needs? Ha. When he remembers, but often he's so absorbed in work, he forgets I exist.
And yes, he is charming. He knows how to charm people. All my friends think he's a wonderful husband.
But they don't see him at home, completely ignoring me and the kids, letting me do everything and contributing nothing.
That's what I don't understand: Why does he present his best self to the outside world, but at home he sinks into himself? At some level he knows he's making the choice to value the feelings of strangers and acquaintances far more than members of his own family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shift gears, OP. You have to look out for yourself and your kids. I have seen posts like yours where the "Divorce, you idiot!" types come out, and they are relentless. In short, they want you to be AT LEAST as miserable as they are.

My best suggestion is to get help for yourself. Do for yourself. You are probably a doer and a giver, and certain types of people take advantage of that. Throw ASD in, and you could become overwhelmed very easily. You seriously need to watch out for you.

Most of our kids are older now, but through the years, DH has had his rages, and we know not to entertain them now. It was tough, because he would throw things and it would be bad. When he wasn't getting the attention he needed, he would drive recklessly with me in the car, once with one of the kids in the car. I told him he would lose everything, his job, his house, me, the kids - every last thing if that happened again, because I was going to the police. The older kids are totally in on his behaviors. His triangulation attempts did nothing for him.

You need someone on YOUR side.

DH is the most charming man I know - seriously, he should be a politician. No one in the community has any idea what we as a family go through, with DH. He will charm anyone, and he especially likes to be the good guy. Most of DH's behavior has to do with his uber dysfunctional family. They make my family look like Leave it to Beaver - it is crazy the sh*t that carries on, well into adult hood.

Now, DH knows that my respect for those who treated him the way they continue to do is zippo, zilch, zero, nada. And my tolerance for his shenanigans is exactly that, too. DH did not have any great, or even good role models growing up, and his parents were not close, warm or loving, they pretty much just existed. I rarely hear happy stories, just the same old stories ultimately making fun of....you guessed it...DH.

I try to plan for certain outings, and we are working our way up to small trips. Now that the kids are getting older, it will eventually be just me and him - he has to learn to deal with me, not the other way around.

If he is super charming while out and about, fine, but they are going to know what I have to deal with, too - eventually. He is not getting a free pass. That is what he responds to, so be it. He made his bed.

Your tolerance level has to decrease. Do not snap - do not fight fire with fire, do not harp, do not whine, beg or nag. Just be. Be factual, no nonsense: "I know what you are doing and it will not be tolerated". End story.

You are not alone, OP.

And as for the PP who is worried about their ASD kid being married - please, one thing at a time. Do not make another human their adult mother. Do YOUR job, be present, be attentive. Now.

This is OP
Thank you for this thoughtful post.
I have been trying to do just what you suggested-look out for me.
It's hard because my nature is to care about others, but DH takes advantage of that.
I do love him, and he does try, but it's exhausting to have to explain everything to him over and over.
He does come from a dysfunctional family (narcissist mom, co-dependent dad).
He does put our kids' needs first, which his parents never did.
But my needs? Ha. When he remembers, but often he's so absorbed in work, he forgets I exist.
And yes, he is charming. He knows how to charm people. All my friends think he's a wonderful husband.
But they don't see him at home, completely ignoring me and the kids, letting me do everything and contributing nothing.
That's what I don't understand: Why does he present his best self to the outside world, but at home he sinks into himself? At some level he knows he's making the choice to value the feelings of strangers and acquaintances far more than members of his own family.

Our therapist helped us reframe it as actually valuing family over strangers because with family it feels like a safe, secure place to relax and not be on guard.