How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op is way ahead of those married to asd who temper tantrums and is verbally abusive and around the kids.

Today he was eating dinner, in his own world, chewing with his mouth open and eating quickly (a slob). I said, chew with your mouth closed, he storms off to the living room to eat (immature), I say don’t have a temper tantrum just chew with your mouth closed, and he yells Shut up (a jerk).

This is how he is anytime someone talks to him in the house about a request or concern. He wants everyone to never talk, leave him alone and walk on eggshells. He’s been working all day on his work computer too plus did one sports drive.

That's not really a nice way to talk to anyone...

All the doctors say speak clearly and directly to autistic people. No reading between the lines. They may hear you, they may not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op is way ahead of those married to asd who temper tantrums and is verbally abusive and around the kids.

Today he was eating dinner, in his own world, chewing with his mouth open and eating quickly (a slob). I said, chew with your mouth closed, he storms off to the living room to eat (immature), I say don’t have a temper tantrum just chew with your mouth closed, and he yells Shut up (a jerk).

This is how he is anytime someone talks to him in the house about a request or concern. He wants everyone to never talk, leave him alone and walk on eggshells. He’s been working all day on his work computer too plus did one sports drive.

That's not really a nice way to talk to anyone...

That’s not really a nice way to eat with anyone…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shift gears, OP. You have to look out for yourself and your kids. I have seen posts like yours where the "Divorce, you idiot!" types come out, and they are relentless. In short, they want you to be AT LEAST as miserable as they are.

My best suggestion is to get help for yourself. Do for yourself. You are probably a doer and a giver, and certain types of people take advantage of that. Throw ASD in, and you could become overwhelmed very easily. You seriously need to watch out for you.

Most of our kids are older now, but through the years, DH has had his rages, and we know not to entertain them now. It was tough, because he would throw things and it would be bad. When he wasn't getting the attention he needed, he would drive recklessly with me in the car, once with one of the kids in the car. I told him he would lose everything, his job, his house, me, the kids - every last thing if that happened again, because I was going to the police. The older kids are totally in on his behaviors. His triangulation attempts did nothing for him.

You need someone on YOUR side.

DH is the most charming man I know - seriously, he should be a politician. No one in the community has any idea what we as a family go through, with DH. He will charm anyone, and he especially likes to be the good guy. Most of DH's behavior has to do with his uber dysfunctional family. They make my family look like Leave it to Beaver - it is crazy the sh*t that carries on, well into adult hood.

Now, DH knows that my respect for those who treated him the way they continue to do is zippo, zilch, zero, nada. And my tolerance for his shenanigans is exactly that, too. DH did not have any great, or even good role models growing up, and his parents were not close, warm or loving, they pretty much just existed. I rarely hear happy stories, just the same old stories ultimately making fun of....you guessed it...DH.

I try to plan for certain outings, and we are working our way up to small trips. Now that the kids are getting older, it will eventually be just me and him - he has to learn to deal with me, not the other way around.

If he is super charming while out and about, fine, but they are going to know what I have to deal with, too - eventually. He is not getting a free pass. That is what he responds to, so be it. He made his bed.

Your tolerance level has to decrease. Do not snap - do not fight fire with fire, do not harp, do not whine, beg or nag. Just be. Be factual, no nonsense: "I know what you are doing and it will not be tolerated". End story.

You are not alone, OP.

And as for the PP who is worried about their ASD kid being married - please, one thing at a time. Do not make another human their adult mother. Do YOUR job, be present, be attentive. Now.

This is OP
Thank you for this thoughtful post.
I have been trying to do just what you suggested-look out for me.
It's hard because my nature is to care about others, but DH takes advantage of that.
I do love him, and he does try, but it's exhausting to have to explain everything to him over and over.
He does come from a dysfunctional family (narcissist mom, co-dependent dad).
He does put our kids' needs first, which his parents never did.
But my needs? Ha. When he remembers, but often he's so absorbed in work, he forgets I exist.
And yes, he is charming. He knows how to charm people. All my friends think he's a wonderful husband.
But they don't see him at home, completely ignoring me and the kids, letting me do everything and contributing nothing.
That's what I don't understand: Why does he present his best self to the outside world, but at home he sinks into himself? At some level he knows he's making the choice to value the feelings of strangers and acquaintances far more than members of his own family.

Our therapist helped us reframe it as actually valuing family over strangers because with family it feels like a safe, secure place to relax and not be on guard.

And what did this reframing accomplish? Allow you to detach from expecting manners or attention or help from your spouse?

Just think of it as the invisible disability that it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shift gears, OP. You have to look out for yourself and your kids. I have seen posts like yours where the "Divorce, you idiot!" types come out, and they are relentless. In short, they want you to be AT LEAST as miserable as they are.

My best suggestion is to get help for yourself. Do for yourself. You are probably a doer and a giver, and certain types of people take advantage of that. Throw ASD in, and you could become overwhelmed very easily. You seriously need to watch out for you.

Most of our kids are older now, but through the years, DH has had his rages, and we know not to entertain them now. It was tough, because he would throw things and it would be bad. When he wasn't getting the attention he needed, he would drive recklessly with me in the car, once with one of the kids in the car. I told him he would lose everything, his job, his house, me, the kids - every last thing if that happened again, because I was going to the police. The older kids are totally in on his behaviors. His triangulation attempts did nothing for him.

You need someone on YOUR side.

DH is the most charming man I know - seriously, he should be a politician. No one in the community has any idea what we as a family go through, with DH. He will charm anyone, and he especially likes to be the good guy. Most of DH's behavior has to do with his uber dysfunctional family. They make my family look like Leave it to Beaver - it is crazy the sh*t that carries on, well into adult hood.

Now, DH knows that my respect for those who treated him the way they continue to do is zippo, zilch, zero, nada. And my tolerance for his shenanigans is exactly that, too. DH did not have any great, or even good role models growing up, and his parents were not close, warm or loving, they pretty much just existed. I rarely hear happy stories, just the same old stories ultimately making fun of....you guessed it...DH.

I try to plan for certain outings, and we are working our way up to small trips. Now that the kids are getting older, it will eventually be just me and him - he has to learn to deal with me, not the other way around.

If he is super charming while out and about, fine, but they are going to know what I have to deal with, too - eventually. He is not getting a free pass. That is what he responds to, so be it. He made his bed.

Your tolerance level has to decrease. Do not snap - do not fight fire with fire, do not harp, do not whine, beg or nag. Just be. Be factual, no nonsense: "I know what you are doing and it will not be tolerated". End story.

You are not alone, OP.

And as for the PP who is worried about their ASD kid being married - please, one thing at a time. Do not make another human their adult mother. Do YOUR job, be present, be attentive. Now.

This is OP
Thank you for this thoughtful post.
I have been trying to do just what you suggested-look out for me.
It's hard because my nature is to care about others, but DH takes advantage of that.
I do love him, and he does try, but it's exhausting to have to explain everything to him over and over.
He does come from a dysfunctional family (narcissist mom, co-dependent dad).
He does put our kids' needs first, which his parents never did.
But my needs? Ha. When he remembers, but often he's so absorbed in work, he forgets I exist.
And yes, he is charming. He knows how to charm people. All my friends think he's a wonderful husband.
But they don't see him at home, completely ignoring me and the kids, letting me do everything and contributing nothing.
That's what I don't understand: Why does he present his best self to the outside world, but at home he sinks into himself? At some level he knows he's making the choice to value the feelings of strangers and acquaintances far more than members of his own family.

Our therapist helped us reframe it as actually valuing family over strangers because with family it feels like a safe, secure place to relax and not be on guard.

And what did this reframing accomplish? Allow you to detach from expecting manners or attention or help from your spouse?

Just think of it as the invisible disability that it is.

Yes! The key is to have lower expectations and get your needs, whatever they may be, meet elsewhere

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op is way ahead of those married to asd who temper tantrums and is verbally abusive and around the kids.

Today he was eating dinner, in his own world, chewing with his mouth open and eating quickly (a slob). I said, chew with your mouth closed, he storms off to the living room to eat (immature), I say don’t have a temper tantrum just chew with your mouth closed, and he yells Shut up (a jerk).

This is how he is anytime someone talks to him in the house about a request or concern. He wants everyone to never talk, leave him alone and walk on eggshells. He’s been working all day on his work computer too plus did one sports drive.

That's not really a nice way to talk to anyone...

That’s not really a nice way to eat with anyone…

Then don't eat with him...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op is way ahead of those married to asd who temper tantrums and is verbally abusive and around the kids.

Today he was eating dinner, in his own world, chewing with his mouth open and eating quickly (a slob). I said, chew with your mouth closed, he storms off to the living room to eat (immature), I say don’t have a temper tantrum just chew with your mouth closed, and he yells Shut up (a jerk).

This is how he is anytime someone talks to him in the house about a request or concern. He wants everyone to never talk, leave him alone and walk on eggshells. He’s been working all day on his work computer too plus did one sports drive.

That's not really a nice way to talk to anyone...

All the doctors say speak clearly and directly to autistic people. No reading between the lines. They may hear you, they may not.

there’s a difference between direct and rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here just to say that I feel much like you, OP. I'm not sure that my husband has HFA. At times I have thought that he might and talked to him about the possibility. He told me once years ago that he had to ride on a bus with his housekeeper to therapy for a few years when he was a kid. That he was never really sure why, that his parents just told him it was because he didn't talk very much. When we dated, there were times when he just, for lack of a better description, "checked out." Just sort of sat quietly and would be dismissive of me for days at a time. I broke up with him because of how badly this made me feel and he came back with over the top love and affection. Because he was caring and generous most of the time, I decided I would just live with these bouts of his dismissiveness and his idiosyncracies. The early days of our marriage were fine, but once kids came into the picture, he became very financially controlling, but was literally 100% checked out of parenting. He did almost no parenting with me. He would tag along to activities, but never really knew what was going on in any of our lives. Every single night at the dinner table, he would usually just sit quietly staring out the window. We would try to talk to him, either about our days, his, or sometimes specifically about why he would just act like we weren't there, but that typically led to angry outbursts. Over the years, he has tried here and there to connect, especially as our kids grew up and I think he saw they were pulling away, but it's just not something he can sustain. Now that's it's just the two of us in the house, we will go days without speaking to each other. It depresses me to no end, but he doesn't even notice. I'm just at a loss as to what to do. What makes men act like this?

Wow.

I had to check the date stamp in case I somehow wrote this a year ago.

My HFA spouse does exactly all of the above most of the time, even in vacation. The neglect, the ignoring, the lack of action, the zero talking about anything. He has lost the ability to function with people more than a handful of hours a day. Work gets his best efforts there.

Yes it is a lonely marriage and relationship. Yes the kids are very confused with this push/pull of a father who rarely talks or connects with them and then busts into a clown a few minutes a week when convenient or someone reminds him to acknowledge his kid or something must be done.

We all ignore him and spend time with our other various circles of friends and activities. He’d be a terrible coparent, and can’t get his arms around divorce. However to save his ego and image he’d do whatever his lawyer fought for.

This is OP
I posted looking for HAPPY marriages, but mostly what I've found here are stories like this.
My kids mostly ignore their dad too. I don't ignore DH, but he completely forgets about my existence for long periods.
My question is about your last comment that in a divorce, your husband would fight to save his ego.
It seems paradoxical that your DH would only come alive when told he is not wanted.
If I divorced my ASD husband, I believe he would do this too. But why?
And why is it that he would choose to fight against me but not for our marriage? This says to me that his behavior (ignoring his family and focusing only on his job) is a conscious choice. And if it's a conscious choice, couldn't that actually be a slight sliver of hope that he could possibly change and include me and our children in his area of interest?
I'm not hopeful after 25 years of marriage, but early on, he did pay attention to me. I do think he cares about me, and I know he loves our children even though he has so few interactions with them.
If anyone has a satisfying (not open) marriage to an ASD husband, please post. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shift gears, OP. You have to look out for yourself and your kids. I have seen posts like yours where the "Divorce, you idiot!" types come out, and they are relentless. In short, they want you to be AT LEAST as miserable as they are.

My best suggestion is to get help for yourself. Do for yourself. You are probably a doer and a giver, and certain types of people take advantage of that. Throw ASD in, and you could become overwhelmed very easily. You seriously need to watch out for you.

Most of our kids are older now, but through the years, DH has had his rages, and we know not to entertain them now. It was tough, because he would throw things and it would be bad. When he wasn't getting the attention he needed, he would drive recklessly with me in the car, once with one of the kids in the car. I told him he would lose everything, his job, his house, me, the kids - every last thing if that happened again, because I was going to the police. The older kids are totally in on his behaviors. His triangulation attempts did nothing for him.

You need someone on YOUR side.

DH is the most charming man I know - seriously, he should be a politician. No one in the community has any idea what we as a family go through, with DH. He will charm anyone, and he especially likes to be the good guy. Most of DH's behavior has to do with his uber dysfunctional family. They make my family look like Leave it to Beaver - it is crazy the sh*t that carries on, well into adult hood.

Now, DH knows that my respect for those who treated him the way they continue to do is zippo, zilch, zero, nada. And my tolerance for his shenanigans is exactly that, too. DH did not have any great, or even good role models growing up, and his parents were not close, warm or loving, they pretty much just existed. I rarely hear happy stories, just the same old stories ultimately making fun of....you guessed it...DH.

I try to plan for certain outings, and we are working our way up to small trips. Now that the kids are getting older, it will eventually be just me and him - he has to learn to deal with me, not the other way around.

If he is super charming while out and about, fine, but they are going to know what I have to deal with, too - eventually. He is not getting a free pass. That is what he responds to, so be it. He made his bed.

Your tolerance level has to decrease. Do not snap - do not fight fire with fire, do not harp, do not whine, beg or nag. Just be. Be factual, no nonsense: "I know what you are doing and it will not be tolerated". End story.

You are not alone, OP.

And as for the PP who is worried about their ASD kid being married - please, one thing at a time. Do not make another human their adult mother. Do YOUR job, be present, be attentive. Now.

This is OP
Thank you for this thoughtful post.
I have been trying to do just what you suggested-look out for me.
It's hard because my nature is to care about others, but DH takes advantage of that.
I do love him, and he does try, but it's exhausting to have to explain everything to him over and over.
He does come from a dysfunctional family (narcissist mom, co-dependent dad).
He does put our kids' needs first, which his parents never did.
But my needs? Ha. When he remembers, but often he's so absorbed in work, he forgets I exist.
And yes, he is charming. He knows how to charm people. All my friends think he's a wonderful husband.
But they don't see him at home, completely ignoring me and the kids, letting me do everything and contributing nothing.
That's what I don't understand: Why does he present his best self to the outside world, but at home he sinks into himself? At some level he knows he's making the choice to value the feelings of strangers and acquaintances far more than members of his own family.

Our therapist helped us reframe it as actually valuing family over strangers because with family it feels like a safe, secure place to relax and not be on guard.

Home is absolutely a “safe” place to let it all out on your wife and kids and mistreat them. Take as old as time and big reason for divorces.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here just to say that I feel much like you, OP. I'm not sure that my husband has HFA. At times I have thought that he might and talked to him about the possibility. He told me once years ago that he had to ride on a bus with his housekeeper to therapy for a few years when he was a kid. That he was never really sure why, that his parents just told him it was because he didn't talk very much. When we dated, there were times when he just, for lack of a better description, "checked out." Just sort of sat quietly and would be dismissive of me for days at a time. I broke up with him because of how badly this made me feel and he came back with over the top love and affection. Because he was caring and generous most of the time, I decided I would just live with these bouts of his dismissiveness and his idiosyncracies. The early days of our marriage were fine, but once kids came into the picture, he became very financially controlling, but was literally 100% checked out of parenting. He did almost no parenting with me. He would tag along to activities, but never really knew what was going on in any of our lives. Every single night at the dinner table, he would usually just sit quietly staring out the window. We would try to talk to him, either about our days, his, or sometimes specifically about why he would just act like we weren't there, but that typically led to angry outbursts. Over the years, he has tried here and there to connect, especially as our kids grew up and I think he saw they were pulling away, but it's just not something he can sustain. Now that's it's just the two of us in the house, we will go days without speaking to each other. It depresses me to no end, but he doesn't even notice. I'm just at a loss as to what to do. What makes men act like this?

Wow.

I had to check the date stamp in case I somehow wrote this a year ago.

My HFA spouse does exactly all of the above most of the time, even in vacation. The neglect, the ignoring, the lack of action, the zero talking about anything. He has lost the ability to function with people more than a handful of hours a day. Work gets his best efforts there.

Yes it is a lonely marriage and relationship. Yes the kids are very confused with this push/pull of a father who rarely talks or connects with them and then busts into a clown a few minutes a week when convenient or someone reminds him to acknowledge his kid or something must be done.

We all ignore him and spend time with our other various circles of friends and activities. He’d be a terrible coparent, and can’t get his arms around divorce. However to save his ego and image he’d do whatever his lawyer fought for.

This is OP
I posted looking for HAPPY marriages, but mostly what I've found here are stories like this.
My kids mostly ignore their dad too. I don't ignore DH, but he completely forgets about my existence for long periods.
My question is about your last comment that in a divorce, your husband would fight to save his ego.
It seems paradoxical that your DH would only come alive when told he is not wanted.
If I divorced my ASD husband, I believe he would do this too. But why?
And why is it that he would choose to fight against me but not for our marriage? This says to me that his behavior (ignoring his family and focusing only on his job) is a conscious choice. And if it's a conscious choice, couldn't that actually be a slight sliver of hope that he could possibly change and include me and our children in his area of interest?
I'm not hopeful after 25 years of marriage, but early on, he did pay attention to me. I do think he cares about me, and I know he loves our children even though he has so few interactions with them.
If anyone has a satisfying (not open) marriage to an ASD husband, please post. Thanks!

Why not open marriage? Your kids are young. I wouldn't divorce if he's bringing in the money and not mean. If I could do it again, I would move close to family and have them help out and treat him more like the grandpa who lives with you. On his better days that's what it was like. Living with grandpa.l

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shift gears, OP. You have to look out for yourself and your kids. I have seen posts like yours where the "Divorce, you idiot!" types come out, and they are relentless. In short, they want you to be AT LEAST as miserable as they are.

My best suggestion is to get help for yourself. Do for yourself. You are probably a doer and a giver, and certain types of people take advantage of that. Throw ASD in, and you could become overwhelmed very easily. You seriously need to watch out for you.

Most of our kids are older now, but through the years, DH has had his rages, and we know not to entertain them now. It was tough, because he would throw things and it would be bad. When he wasn't getting the attention he needed, he would drive recklessly with me in the car, once with one of the kids in the car. I told him he would lose everything, his job, his house, me, the kids - every last thing if that happened again, because I was going to the police. The older kids are totally in on his behaviors. His triangulation attempts did nothing for him.

You need someone on YOUR side.

DH is the most charming man I know - seriously, he should be a politician. No one in the community has any idea what we as a family go through, with DH. He will charm anyone, and he especially likes to be the good guy. Most of DH's behavior has to do with his uber dysfunctional family. They make my family look like Leave it to Beaver - it is crazy the sh*t that carries on, well into adult hood.

Now, DH knows that my respect for those who treated him the way they continue to do is zippo, zilch, zero, nada. And my tolerance for his shenanigans is exactly that, too. DH did not have any great, or even good role models growing up, and his parents were not close, warm or loving, they pretty much just existed. I rarely hear happy stories, just the same old stories ultimately making fun of....you guessed it...DH.

I try to plan for certain outings, and we are working our way up to small trips. Now that the kids are getting older, it will eventually be just me and him - he has to learn to deal with me, not the other way around.

If he is super charming while out and about, fine, but they are going to know what I have to deal with, too - eventually. He is not getting a free pass. That is what he responds to, so be it. He made his bed.

Your tolerance level has to decrease. Do not snap - do not fight fire with fire, do not harp, do not whine, beg or nag. Just be. Be factual, no nonsense: "I know what you are doing and it will not be tolerated". End story.

You are not alone, OP.

And as for the PP who is worried about their ASD kid being married - please, one thing at a time. Do not make another human their adult mother. Do YOUR job, be present, be attentive. Now.

This is OP
Thank you for this thoughtful post.
I have been trying to do just what you suggested-look out for me.
It's hard because my nature is to care about others, but DH takes advantage of that.
I do love him, and he does try, but it's exhausting to have to explain everything to him over and over.
He does come from a dysfunctional family (narcissist mom, co-dependent dad).
He does put our kids' needs first, which his parents never did.
But my needs? Ha. When he remembers, but often he's so absorbed in work, he forgets I exist.
And yes, he is charming. He knows how to charm people. All my friends think he's a wonderful husband.
But they don't see him at home, completely ignoring me and the kids, letting me do everything and contributing nothing.
That's what I don't understand: Why does he present his best self to the outside world, but at home he sinks into himself? At some level he knows he's making the choice to value the feelings of strangers and acquaintances far more than members of his own family.

Our therapist helped us reframe it as actually valuing family over strangers because with family it feels like a safe, secure place to relax and not be on guard.

Home is absolutely a “safe” place to let it all out on your wife and kids and mistreat them. Take as old as time and big reason for divorces.

Don't let yourself be mistreated and protect your kids. If it's possible to do it within the marriage, do that. Otherwise, of course divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here just to say that I feel much like you, OP. I'm not sure that my husband has HFA. At times I have thought that he might and talked to him about the possibility. He told me once years ago that he had to ride on a bus with his housekeeper to therapy for a few years when he was a kid. That he was never really sure why, that his parents just told him it was because he didn't talk very much. When we dated, there were times when he just, for lack of a better description, "checked out." Just sort of sat quietly and would be dismissive of me for days at a time. I broke up with him because of how badly this made me feel and he came back with over the top love and affection. Because he was caring and generous most of the time, I decided I would just live with these bouts of his dismissiveness and his idiosyncracies. The early days of our marriage were fine, but once kids came into the picture, he became very financially controlling, but was literally 100% checked out of parenting. He did almost no parenting with me. He would tag along to activities, but never really knew what was going on in any of our lives. Every single night at the dinner table, he would usually just sit quietly staring out the window. We would try to talk to him, either about our days, his, or sometimes specifically about why he would just act like we weren't there, but that typically led to angry outbursts. Over the years, he has tried here and there to connect, especially as our kids grew up and I think he saw they were pulling away, but it's just not something he can sustain. Now that's it's just the two of us in the house, we will go days without speaking to each other. It depresses me to no end, but he doesn't even notice. I'm just at a loss as to what to do. What makes men act like this?

Wow.

I had to check the date stamp in case I somehow wrote this a year ago.

My HFA spouse does exactly all of the above most of the time, even in vacation. The neglect, the ignoring, the lack of action, the zero talking about anything. He has lost the ability to function with people more than a handful of hours a day. Work gets his best efforts there.

Yes it is a lonely marriage and relationship. Yes the kids are very confused with this push/pull of a father who rarely talks or connects with them and then busts into a clown a few minutes a week when convenient or someone reminds him to acknowledge his kid or something must be done.

We all ignore him and spend time with our other various circles of friends and activities. He’d be a terrible coparent, and can’t get his arms around divorce. However to save his ego and image he’d do whatever his lawyer fought for.

This is OP
I posted looking for HAPPY marriages, but mostly what I've found here are stories like this.
My kids mostly ignore their dad too. I don't ignore DH, but he completely forgets about my existence for long periods.
My question is about your last comment that in a divorce, your husband would fight to save his ego.
It seems paradoxical that your DH would only come alive when told he is not wanted.
If I divorced my ASD husband, I believe he would do this too. But why?
And why is it that he would choose to fight against me but not for our marriage? This says to me that his behavior (ignoring his family and focusing only on his job) is a conscious choice. And if it's a conscious choice, couldn't that actually be a slight sliver of hope that he could possibly change and include me and our children in his area of interest?
I'm not hopeful after 25 years of marriage, but early on, he did pay attention to me. I do think he cares about me, and I know he loves our children even though he has so few interactions with them.
If anyone has a satisfying (not open) marriage to an ASD husband, please post. Thanks!

I posted about mine above. Also married 25 years

[Anonymous]

My friends parents live in separate homes in Old Town. I assumed it was for work at first, but she over time explained they don’t live together well, and this was best. Then later explained her father is on the spectrum and this was their solution. They were a foreign service couple so always moving but he liked the paper pushing processing elements she ran the show.

[Anonymous]

I know this is not easy to hear but to be happy adjusting your expectations is key. People who have been diagnosed late in middle age have not had the benefit of years of therapy, speech, social skills group, etc... that kids these days can do to be in a better spot in adulthood.

If he truly accepts his diagnosis and is willing to work on themselves individually and with a martial counselor that has ASD experience possible improvements can be made. A lot of times that is not the case.

As mentioned, if he has any other conditions like sleep apnea which can lead to irritability/depression, high blood pressure, depression/anxiety get those conditions adequately treated so it doesn't worsen the ASD behaviors.

Be very direct in what you want and how you want it. Give praise for the things he does well. If you feel you are at a point of divorce, he may finally be willing to work on some things but you also need to be prepared to follow through if he doesn't.

Happiness as a whole in life can come from many different parts. For some, a spouse is a big part. For ASD partners, you have to find happiness/peace more in other areas. Over time, I learned that's ok. That's just how the cards play out in life for some people.

[Anonymous]

Hope someone sees my question and can answer.

If you have been in a long term marriage with someone with HFASD, I realize that labels weren't as ubiquitous or clear decades ago. There were only limited descriptors of autism, codes, therapy, symptoms. In fact, men who were in math and science, engineering, were completely lumped into a behavioral category of their own- completely accepted as normal- but not at all for women, interestingly enough. It's still that way somewhat. That, I believed helped define what autism could look like when we realized women presented neurodivergence differently. Why? Women were not accepted in the same way as men.

So, if you, though, are married to a man who would be or is dxed with an ASD descriptor, what was his relationship with his parents? What kinds of things did they do for their son, or was it more of a codependency where it was what it was and he was thought of just as quirky? Was one of the parents also ASD?

How did it look going forward after your marriage with his parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hope someone sees my question and can answer.

If you have been in a long term marriage with someone with HFASD, I realize that labels weren't as ubiquitous or clear decades ago. There were only limited descriptors of autism, codes, therapy, symptoms. In fact, men who were in math and science, engineering, were completely lumped into a behavioral category of their own- completely accepted as normal- but not at all for women, interestingly enough. It's still that way somewhat. That, I believed helped define what autism could look like when we realized women presented neurodivergence differently. Why? Women were not accepted in the same way as men.

So, if you, though, are married to a man who would be or is dxed with an ASD descriptor, what was his relationship with his parents? What kinds of things did they do for their son, or was it more of a codependency where it was what it was and he was thought of just as quirky? Was one of the parents also ASD?

How did it look going forward after your marriage with his parents?

My husband's father clearly had ASD but was never diagnosed. He was a brilliant professor but had a hard time getting along with people. Always thought he was the best/smartest and everyone else was less so hence he never became chair of his dept even though he published a lot and brought a lot of grant money. He spent a lot of time doing solitary things at home like woodworking, writing books, etc.. My husband was either ignored by his dad or if they did something it was what his Dad wanted to do like help type up his rough drafts for manuscripts. He was also frequently teased by his Dad which bothered him a lot. His mom worked and basically adjusted her life to accomodate her husband. She did everything including cooking, mowing the lawn so he could tinker around doing his own things. She didn't really have time beyond providing the basic needs for him since she was so busy. Also, they never had company over which looking back should have been a red flag of being odd. I would say neither parent sought help for their kids (several have ASD features) and did not want to deal with any emotional/complicated issues. Buried their heads in the sand. This led to problems later on with their children including drugs, alcohol, depression/anxiety, and even suicide for one. I realize my husband wanted a wife like his mom who made money/took care of everything but also provided his emotional needs. Problem is when you don't have much help at home and your own kid has ASD there's only so much energy to go around. Thankfully, we have financial resources to get help but the day-to-day task of coordinating care for an ASD child is like being a CEO of their corporation. There's a lot of time involved. At least he recognizes the way his family handled things with their kids was wrong. I only hope that our kid has a better outcome because of all the intensive work being done now while they are young. Breaking the cycle from the past.