Reply to How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm not sure if this is practical advice for the OP or more of a social-anthropologically minded response to some of the PPs but it may be useful to take a moment to familiarize with marriage and kinship patterns from basically any culture and time period pre 20th cent. Once you realize how much we currently require from our marital relationships (lover, friend, domestic laborer, financial provider) it doesn't take much to see how a larger group of people, and certainly those who are not neurotypical, can fail to meet expectations more easily.

In general, contemporary society exacerbates neurodiverse traits which I think is one of the reasons we are seeing an increase in diagnoses. So many things that made life simpler to navigate have disappeared: clearly defined social norms and expectations, clearly defined gender roles, clear lines between work and home life, widespread religious life and the daily/weekly rhythms associated with religious rituals and customs, etc. Some of these things you might say we are better off without but there are always knock-on effects with social change and the fact that we have very few remaining social structures that we all organize our lives by makes life more stressful for the neurodiverse adult. There are no guardrails. We all have to reinvent the wheel of what functional social and homes lives look like and it's harder for those with ASD, and to a lesser extent ADHD, to do this. Adults need role models too and nuclear families are by default siloed off from one another.

Maybe some will read this and say well, we live in the here and now. And I agree that you can't just exit society and live in a world where your ideals about marriage and home life arent impacted by the mainstream culture. But when you take some time to reflect on how our current marriage, kinship and social patterns (ie egalitarian/nuclear family, broken/distant family networks, lack of religious community, etc) are so totally alien from most of human history, it doesn't take much to see that we've created a society that is harder for those who aren't naturals at forming social connections to navigate. We literally have parents on here saying that the world we live in can no longer support someone with ASD having a spouse or kids--the marital expectations are just too demanding. That's been taken away from them. And that's a problem for all of us bc human civilization cannot flourish without the neurodiverse.
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I don’t disagree with what you wrote. Simpler times, simpler life, good for ASD.

I think today is easy living for someone with little exec functioning, social skills and common sense.
For examples, schools have no tests or grades, book smart people go to college, get a computer job at home, get paid, online order their food, have a cleaning lady.  They must be thriving right? Maybe, their life is simply, centered on them and computer job and they have limited interaction with others. They can survive that.

Long ago, they wouldn’t survive.  They had to pay attention and hunt for food, stay away from danger, have their wits about them at the factory floor, remember what crops to plant at the right time/ and harvest them, and so forth. Worst case, they were out of it and stayed home with Ma, who worked sub up until Sun down.

So I disagree that todays virtual and online world is tough on ASD; it’s almost ideal. And maybe could even confuse a date or two. 
What’s not confusing is todays online world and tasks don’t really test one’s social skills, coordination, communication skills, or what kind of father they will make.

Buyer beware.[/quote]

I agree. The current technological lifestyle is an asd's dream[/quote]

Maybe not.  ASD husband hates video calls because when people are cut off at the waist or neck or whatever its just that much harder for him to read body language and see fine facial details with all the crazy video filters. He was taught to be more aware of those social cues in person and can't seem to pick up digitally.  And. He.  Hates.  Text.  Because it can come at him at all times.  The pressure,  the pressure[/quote]

Just. Can’t. Adapt.

Only knows what he has already experienced. Cannot adapt and apply senses and knowledge to new situations. [/quote]

We get it, you hate people with autism. Anything else to add?[/quote]

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