How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how did you date and fall in love with him? surely this isn't a new thing.

This reply sounds like it’s from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like. Let me explain. The partner can temporarily mask it but then after you’re married, their mask comes off. You begin to realize that something is off but you don’t know what. Then one day it dawns on you what has happened and you’re already 5-20 years into the marriage - probably with children. It is shocking and devastating when put the pieces together because you’re in so deep.

I too am curious how to survive this type of marriage. My spouse, though incredibly successful in the business realm, is so awkward and seems like he’s is another world when he’s home, without the structure of his work. It’s like he has no common sense. Our communication usually doesn’t connect. The kids are embarrassed by his social awkwardness - like him trying to be funny and he’s just not even close to being funny, or him teasing at them like they’re 5 but they’re 20 years old. Ugh.

I don’t think it was “masked.” I also have a child with ASD, and between my memories of my early relationship wit hDH and watching DS, I would say that when we started dating, I was DH’s “special interest.”

He wanted to know everything about me and thought I was incredibly interesting. I was kind of a shy introvert and loved that this guy wanted to spend all of his time at a party (or wherever we went) talking to me. I had just gotten out of a relationship with a big extrovert who introduced me to a lot of different people, but often left me alone. DH seemed amazing.

OP I think there are a lot of ASD parents on this thread trying to dismiss your concerns - when they should be doing exactly the opposite. People know when they live with someone with HFA ASD - it can not be masked (or kept a secret) forever.

I’m an ASD parent here but I am not “dismissing concerns.” I’m dispelling the weird new trend of deciding to call jerk husbands “autistic,” and stereotypes about autistic people as incapable of emotions, empathy, and relationships. As well, PP seems to now even be framing her DH’s *positive* characteristics (being dedicated and attentive) as bad “autistic” features. Look I am sure it is a challenge to be married to a person with autism sometimes, but this thread and its multiple predecessors are trafficking in ugly stereotypes, not being helpful.

As you should and thank you for doing it. I'm honestly sick of these threads and don't know why they are allowed.

NP. “Allowed”?! Why wouldn’t they be allowed? Because your perspective is different? Say your piece and move on. You’ll have people who agree with you and those that don’t. How about it trying to shut down the dialogue just because your perspective is different? Try skipping those threads.

+1

generally advancing negative stereotypes is deletable on DCUM.

So now it’s “advancing negative stereotypes”? Is that the new “misinformation” when someone has a different opinion or dares to question something? Honestly, I think ADHD and ASD and autism are probably way over diagnosed, and I think it’s easy nowadays to point the finger at a spouse’s issues and wrap them up in a clean diagnose. But there are also plenty of people out there who have slipped through an actual diagnosis that have never been treated and perhaps should have been. And they are married to spouses who are starting to question what they’re dealing with. Shutting that dialog down is bullshit. Many of the people on this thread are offering their own experiences. Just because you don’t agree with them doesn’t mean they are stereotyping.

Let me be clear. There are women on here making the impossible claim that their charming, socially adept husbands are actually autistic men masking their whole lives. They do this in order to blame all bad behavior on autism. That is both misleading and a negative stereotype of autism. I have not asked for anything to be deleted; in contrast those women are currently freaking out at having to face the fact that they are in a fantasy world where they project their problems on an imaginary diagnosis.

Let me be clear, as well. You are not in their homes or married to their spouses. Unless you’re going to pop your medical license up on here to show us your medical creds, as well as visit these homes to appropriately diagnose their spouses, you are no better informed than anyone else is on this thread. Stop trying to control the narrative.

+1

Bravo. This.

It’s amazing you can’t see the inherent contradiction in what you write.

At the moment you start invoking developmental diagnoses, then it becomes fair game to discuss them. You’re not a doctor, OP is not a doctor, and most importantly none of us are OP’s husband’s actual doctor. This is an open forum. If someone is making claims about autism, we can all make claims about autism.

Each person knows their own situation and has their iwn doctors.

Let it go.

Ok so don’t post your own situation on a public forum. Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’ve been doing it for 25 years already, you know a lot how to make it work. How are you filling those needs before?

Exactly this. What do you think is going to change now that he has a diagnosis though I doubt that. Seems like another thread based on armchair medicine.
Nothing is likely going to change.
So you can keep things as they are for the next 25 years or divorce.
Or and here's what I think would be useful you see your own doctor and therapist and figure out what is wrong with you. That you ignored apparently egregious treatment for 30 years , never saw any warning signs and now expect a magic fix. There's got to be a diagnosis there probably one worthy of meds too. Taking care of you will improve your life , possibly your current relationship and your next if you choose to have one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is practical advice for the OP or more of a social-anthropologically minded response to some of the PPs but it may be useful to take a moment to familiarize with marriage and kinship patterns from basically any culture and time period pre 20th cent. Once you realize how much we currently require from our marital relationships (lover, friend, domestic laborer, financial provider) it doesn't take much to see how a larger group of people, and certainly those who are not neurotypical, can fail to meet expectations more easily.

In general, contemporary society exacerbates neurodiverse traits which I think is one of the reasons we are seeing an increase in diagnoses. So many things that made life simpler to navigate have disappeared: clearly defined social norms and expectations, clearly defined gender roles, clear lines between work and home life, widespread religious life and the daily/weekly rhythms associated with religious rituals and customs, etc. Some of these things you might say we are better off without but there are always knock-on effects with social change and the fact that we have very few remaining social structures that we all organize our lives by makes life more stressful for the neurodiverse adult. There are no guardrails. We all have to reinvent the wheel of what functional social and homes lives look like and it's harder for those with ASD, and to a lesser extent ADHD, to do this. Adults need role models too and nuclear families are by default siloed off from one another.

Maybe some will read this and say well, we live in the here and now. And I agree that you can't just exit society and live in a world where your ideals about marriage and home life arent impacted by the mainstream culture. But when you take some time to reflect on how our current marriage, kinship and social patterns (ie egalitarian/nuclear family, broken/distant family networks, lack of religious community, etc) are so totally alien from most of human history, it doesn't take much to see that we've created a society that is harder for those who aren't naturals at forming social connections to navigate. We literally have parents on here saying that the world we live in can no longer support someone with ASD having a spouse or kids--the marital expectations are just too demanding. That's been taken away from them. And that's a problem for all of us bc human civilization cannot flourish without the neurodiverse.

Okay, that all sounds so thoughtful. But here's what you're really saying, whether you realize it or not: Women are demanding to be treated as equals and many men can't deal with it.

Fact: you don’t know everything.

Sorry but PP is right. There has been a lot of research done on this topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here just to say that I feel much like you, OP. I'm not sure that my husband has HFA. At times I have thought that he might and talked to him about the possibility. He told me once years ago that he had to ride on a bus with his housekeeper to therapy for a few years when he was a kid. That he was never really sure why, that his parents just told him it was because he didn't talk very much. When we dated, there were times when he just, for lack of a better description, "checked out." Just sort of sat quietly and would be dismissive of me for days at a time. I broke up with him because of how badly this made me feel and he came back with over the top love and affection. Because he was caring and generous most of the time, I decided I would just live with these bouts of his dismissiveness and his idiosyncracies. The early days of our marriage were fine, but once kids came into the picture, he became very financially controlling, but was literally 100% checked out of parenting. He did almost no parenting with me. He would tag along to activities, but never really knew what was going on in any of our lives. Every single night at the dinner table, he would usually just sit quietly staring out the window. We would try to talk to him, either about our days, his, or sometimes specifically about why he would just act like we weren't there, but that typically led to angry outbursts. Over the years, he has tried here and there to connect, especially as our kids grew up and I think he saw they were pulling away, but it's just not something he can sustain. Now that's it's just the two of us in the house, we will go days without speaking to each other. It depresses me to no end, but he doesn't even notice. I'm just at a loss as to what to do. What makes men act like this?

I mean … clearly this marriage is not working for you. An autism diagnosis is going to do exactly zero to repair what you describe as a decades-long emotionally empty relationship. Chosing to focus on what is wrong with your spouse as opposed to taking responsibility for what YOU can do is a classic way to evade taking responsibility and to avoid change. You should get individual therapy to decide what you want.

That doesn’t seem to be what’s going on here PP.

First of all, she’s neurotypical so never going accept the neglect and symptoms he bestows upon her, nor stop seeing “what is wrong.” It’s too chronic and embedded in him, and unchangeable without tons of effort from him.

What she has accepted as fact is that he’s not going to be a good partner nor supportive nor even reliable on a decent basis. So she likely has developed all sorts of work around and is quite independent.

She can also plan to leave once the youngest child is in college; this is not uncommon.

Agree, therapy for all so boundaries can be drawn and asd expectations understood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how did you date and fall in love with him? surely this isn't a new thing.

This reply sounds like it’s from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like. Let me explain. The partner can temporarily mask it but then after you’re married, their mask comes off. You begin to realize that something is off but you don’t know what. Then one day it dawns on you what has happened and you’re already 5-20 years into the marriage - probably with children. It is shocking and devastating when put the pieces together because you’re in so deep.

I too am curious how to survive this type of marriage. My spouse, though incredibly successful in the business realm, is so awkward and seems like he’s is another world when he’s home, without the structure of his work. It’s like he has no common sense. Our communication usually doesn’t connect. The kids are embarrassed by his social awkwardness - like him trying to be funny and he’s just not even close to being funny, or him teasing at them like they’re 5 but they’re 20 years old. Ugh.

I don’t think it was “masked.” I also have a child with ASD, and between my memories of my early relationship wit hDH and watching DS, I would say that when we started dating, I was DH’s “special interest.”

He wanted to know everything about me and thought I was incredibly interesting. I was kind of a shy introvert and loved that this guy wanted to spend all of his time at a party (or wherever we went) talking to me. I had just gotten out of a relationship with a big extrovert who introduced me to a lot of different people, but often left me alone. DH seemed amazing.

OP I think there are a lot of ASD parents on this thread trying to dismiss your concerns - when they should be doing exactly the opposite. People know when they live with someone with HFA ASD - it can not be masked (or kept a secret) forever.

I’m an ASD parent here but I am not “dismissing concerns.” I’m dispelling the weird new trend of deciding to call jerk husbands “autistic,” and stereotypes about autistic people as incapable of emotions, empathy, and relationships. As well, PP seems to now even be framing her DH’s *positive* characteristics (being dedicated and attentive) as bad “autistic” features. Look I am sure it is a challenge to be married to a person with autism sometimes, but this thread and its multiple predecessors are trafficking in ugly stereotypes, not being helpful.

As you should and thank you for doing it. I'm honestly sick of these threads and don't know why they are allowed.

NP. “Allowed”?! Why wouldn’t they be allowed? Because your perspective is different? Say your piece and move on. You’ll have people who agree with you and those that don’t. How about it trying to shut down the dialogue just because your perspective is different? Try skipping those threads.

+1

generally advancing negative stereotypes is deletable on DCUM.

So now it’s “advancing negative stereotypes”? Is that the new “misinformation” when someone has a different opinion or dares to question something? Honestly, I think ADHD and ASD and autism are probably way over diagnosed, and I think it’s easy nowadays to point the finger at a spouse’s issues and wrap them up in a clean diagnose. But there are also plenty of people out there who have slipped through an actual diagnosis that have never been treated and perhaps should have been. And they are married to spouses who are starting to question what they’re dealing with. Shutting that dialog down is bullshit. Many of the people on this thread are offering their own experiences. Just because you don’t agree with them doesn’t mean they are stereotyping.

Let me be clear. There are women on here making the impossible claim that their charming, socially adept husbands are actually autistic men masking their whole lives. They do this in order to blame all bad behavior on autism. That is both misleading and a negative stereotype of autism. I have not asked for anything to be deleted; in contrast those women are currently freaking out at having to face the fact that they are in a fantasy world where they project their problems on an imaginary diagnosis.

Isn't all the controversy over ABA a little bit related to this? Isn't it about teaching those on the spectrum how to fit into the neurotypical world? My DH had therapy his whole life to address issues that now would probably put him on the spectrum. He never had an actual diagnosis, but, I found out once we were in a committed relationship about his long-time therapy and then did start to see the issues myself. He can maintain a lot of what he has learned over 4 decades, but often, the stress and lack of structure in our home life becomes too much and makes life with him very hard. Sometimes I think if he had just not worked so hard against who he really is, maybe he would have chosen a different path. Not gotten married and had kids. Honestly, it doesn't work for him and in turn, doesn't work for me. I would bet that a lot of women marry guys like this. They're sweet and they want that life, but honestly, it doesn't work for them. My son is just like my husband. His diagnosis has been very fuzzy. Definitely severe ADHD and exec function deficit, and one therapist conurred that likely would fit ASD diagnosis, but that there was no point. He is smart, sweet, and doing well in college, even with a girlfiend of two years. But, honestly, I don't see him handling a life like we have had. If that's what he wants, then of course, I want that for him, but I would worry and anyone he marries should have the full picture before committing.

Amen.

Because guess who will stuck picking up the pieces during his coparenting time. Grandma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is practical advice for the OP or more of a social-anthropologically minded response to some of the PPs but it may be useful to take a moment to familiarize with marriage and kinship patterns from basically any culture and time period pre 20th cent. Once you realize how much we currently require from our marital relationships (lover, friend, domestic laborer, financial provider) it doesn't take much to see how a larger group of people, and certainly those who are not neurotypical, can fail to meet expectations more easily.

In general, contemporary society exacerbates neurodiverse traits which I think is one of the reasons we are seeing an increase in diagnoses. So many things that made life simpler to navigate have disappeared: clearly defined social norms and expectations, clearly defined gender roles, clear lines between work and home life, widespread religious life and the daily/weekly rhythms associated with religious rituals and customs, etc. Some of these things you might say we are better off without but there are always knock-on effects with social change and the fact that we have very few remaining social structures that we all organize our lives by makes life more stressful for the neurodiverse adult. There are no guardrails. We all have to reinvent the wheel of what functional social and homes lives look like and it's harder for those with ASD, and to a lesser extent ADHD, to do this. Adults need role models too and nuclear families are by default siloed off from one another.

Maybe some will read this and say well, we live in the here and now. And I agree that you can't just exit society and live in a world where your ideals about marriage and home life arent impacted by the mainstream culture. But when you take some time to reflect on how our current marriage, kinship and social patterns (ie egalitarian/nuclear family, broken/distant family networks, lack of religious community, etc) are so totally alien from most of human history, it doesn't take much to see that we've created a society that is harder for those who aren't naturals at forming social connections to navigate. We literally have parents on here saying that the world we live in can no longer support someone with ASD having a spouse or kids--the marital expectations are just too demanding. That's been taken away from them. And that's a problem for all of us bc human civilization cannot flourish without the neurodiverse.

I don’t disagree with what you wrote. Simpler times, simpler life, good for ASD.

I think today is easy living for someone with little exec functioning, social skills and common sense.
For examples, schools have no tests or grades, book smart people go to college, get a computer job at home, get paid, online order their food, have a cleaning lady. They must be thriving right? Maybe, their life is simply, centered on them and computer job and they have limited interaction with others. They can survive that.

Long ago, they wouldn’t survive. They had to pay attention and hunt for food, stay away from danger, have their wits about them at the factory floor, remember what crops to plant at the right time/ and harvest them, and so forth. Worst case, they were out of it and stayed home with Ma, who worked sub up until Sun down.

So I disagree that todays virtual and online world is tough on ASD; it’s almost ideal. And maybe could even confuse a date or two.
What’s not confusing is todays online world and tasks don’t really test one’s social skills, coordination, communication skills, or what kind of father they will make.

Buyer beware.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how did you date and fall in love with him? surely this isn't a new thing.

This reply sounds like it’s from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like. Let me explain. The partner can temporarily mask it but then after you’re married, their mask comes off. You begin to realize that something is off but you don’t know what. Then one day it dawns on you what has happened and you’re already 5-20 years into the marriage - probably with children. It is shocking and devastating when put the pieces together because you’re in so deep.

I too am curious how to survive this type of marriage. My spouse, though incredibly successful in the business realm, is so awkward and seems like he’s is another world when he’s home, without the structure of his work. It’s like he has no common sense. Our communication usually doesn’t connect. The kids are embarrassed by his social awkwardness - like him trying to be funny and he’s just not even close to being funny, or him teasing at them like they’re 5 but they’re 20 years old. Ugh.

I don’t think it was “masked.” I also have a child with ASD, and between my memories of my early relationship wit hDH and watching DS, I would say that when we started dating, I was DH’s “special interest.”

He wanted to know everything about me and thought I was incredibly interesting. I was kind of a shy introvert and loved that this guy wanted to spend all of his time at a party (or wherever we went) talking to me. I had just gotten out of a relationship with a big extrovert who introduced me to a lot of different people, but often left me alone. DH seemed amazing.

OP I think there are a lot of ASD parents on this thread trying to dismiss your concerns - when they should be doing exactly the opposite. People know when they live with someone with HFA ASD - it can not be masked (or kept a secret) forever.

I’m an ASD parent here but I am not “dismissing concerns.” I’m dispelling the weird new trend of deciding to call jerk husbands “autistic,” and stereotypes about autistic people as incapable of emotions, empathy, and relationships. As well, PP seems to now even be framing her DH’s *positive* characteristics (being dedicated and attentive) as bad “autistic” features. Look I am sure it is a challenge to be married to a person with autism sometimes, but this thread and its multiple predecessors are trafficking in ugly stereotypes, not being helpful.

As you should and thank you for doing it. I'm honestly sick of these threads and don't know why they are allowed.

NP. “Allowed”?! Why wouldn’t they be allowed? Because your perspective is different? Say your piece and move on. You’ll have people who agree with you and those that don’t. How about it trying to shut down the dialogue just because your perspective is different? Try skipping those threads.

+1

generally advancing negative stereotypes is deletable on DCUM.

So now it’s “advancing negative stereotypes”? Is that the new “misinformation” when someone has a different opinion or dares to question something? Honestly, I think ADHD and ASD and autism are probably way over diagnosed, and I think it’s easy nowadays to point the finger at a spouse’s issues and wrap them up in a clean diagnose. But there are also plenty of people out there who have slipped through an actual diagnosis that have never been treated and perhaps should have been. And they are married to spouses who are starting to question what they’re dealing with. Shutting that dialog down is bullshit. Many of the people on this thread are offering their own experiences. Just because you don’t agree with them doesn’t mean they are stereotyping.

Let me be clear. There are women on here making the impossible claim that their charming, socially adept husbands are actually autistic men masking their whole lives. They do this in order to blame all bad behavior on autism. That is both misleading and a negative stereotype of autism. I have not asked for anything to be deleted; in contrast those women are currently freaking out at having to face the fact that they are in a fantasy world where they project their problems on an imaginary diagnosis.

Let me be clear, as well. You are not in their homes or married to their spouses. Unless you’re going to pop your medical license up on here to show us your medical creds, as well as visit these homes to appropriately diagnose their spouses, you are no better informed than anyone else is on this thread. Stop trying to control the narrative.

Well then you and op should stfu and just speak to your husband's doctors and therapists instead of creating multiple threads to bash people with autism and getting mad when you're called out on your BS. The professionals have to tolerate your bs ( though I'm guessing they're tired of it too this your need to spee your hatred here) we don't have to tolerate your bs and we can call the lies out and I don't care if you don't like it

???

Classy but ???? Is this ASD Mom again you’re all talking about. Probably.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is practical advice for the OP or more of a social-anthropologically minded response to some of the PPs but it may be useful to take a moment to familiarize with marriage and kinship patterns from basically any culture and time period pre 20th cent. Once you realize how much we currently require from our marital relationships (lover, friend, domestic laborer, financial provider) it doesn't take much to see how a larger group of people, and certainly those who are not neurotypical, can fail to meet expectations more easily.

In general, contemporary society exacerbates neurodiverse traits which I think is one of the reasons we are seeing an increase in diagnoses. So many things that made life simpler to navigate have disappeared: clearly defined social norms and expectations, clearly defined gender roles, clear lines between work and home life, widespread religious life and the daily/weekly rhythms associated with religious rituals and customs, etc. Some of these things you might say we are better off without but there are always knock-on effects with social change and the fact that we have very few remaining social structures that we all organize our lives by makes life more stressful for the neurodiverse adult. There are no guardrails. We all have to reinvent the wheel of what functional social and homes lives look like and it's harder for those with ASD, and to a lesser extent ADHD, to do this. Adults need role models too and nuclear families are by default siloed off from one another.

Maybe some will read this and say well, we live in the here and now. And I agree that you can't just exit society and live in a world where your ideals about marriage and home life arent impacted by the mainstream culture. But when you take some time to reflect on how our current marriage, kinship and social patterns (ie egalitarian/nuclear family, broken/distant family networks, lack of religious community, etc) are so totally alien from most of human history, it doesn't take much to see that we've created a society that is harder for those who aren't naturals at forming social connections to navigate. We literally have parents on here saying that the world we live in can no longer support someone with ASD having a spouse or kids--the marital expectations are just too demanding. That's been taken away from them. And that's a problem for all of us bc human civilization cannot flourish without the neurodiverse.

I'd like to take a different look from my vantage point. My ex came from a very traditional family. That involved the oldest child living at the house and helping to take care of the younger kids and then the dad with her mom. The dad wasn't terribly friendly and didn't do much. I guess he was religious but it wasn't a big part of his life other than going when the women told him he had to go. Didn't have much of a career either and the dad rarely shared a bedroom with the mom. It was easier to stay married before but it was also a sign of an undeveloped family. Think very simple people. My family was also traditional but not concerned about the future and while traditional in religion were not in life. It was inevitable that the future would change things and we would just go with the flow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is practical advice for the OP or more of a social-anthropologically minded response to some of the PPs but it may be useful to take a moment to familiarize with marriage and kinship patterns from basically any culture and time period pre 20th cent. Once you realize how much we currently require from our marital relationships (lover, friend, domestic laborer, financial provider) it doesn't take much to see how a larger group of people, and certainly those who are not neurotypical, can fail to meet expectations more easily.

In general, contemporary society exacerbates neurodiverse traits which I think is one of the reasons we are seeing an increase in diagnoses. So many things that made life simpler to navigate have disappeared: clearly defined social norms and expectations, clearly defined gender roles, clear lines between work and home life, widespread religious life and the daily/weekly rhythms associated with religious rituals and customs, etc. Some of these things you might say we are better off without but there are always knock-on effects with social change and the fact that we have very few remaining social structures that we all organize our lives by makes life more stressful for the neurodiverse adult. There are no guardrails. We all have to reinvent the wheel of what functional social and homes lives look like and it's harder for those with ASD, and to a lesser extent ADHD, to do this. Adults need role models too and nuclear families are by default siloed off from one another.

Maybe some will read this and say well, we live in the here and now. And I agree that you can't just exit society and live in a world where your ideals about marriage and home life arent impacted by the mainstream culture. But when you take some time to reflect on how our current marriage, kinship and social patterns (ie egalitarian/nuclear family, broken/distant family networks, lack of religious community, etc) are so totally alien from most of human history, it doesn't take much to see that we've created a society that is harder for those who aren't naturals at forming social connections to navigate. We literally have parents on here saying that the world we live in can no longer support someone with ASD having a spouse or kids--the marital expectations are just too demanding. That's been taken away from them. And that's a problem for all of us bc human civilization cannot flourish without the neurodiverse.

I don’t disagree with what you wrote. Simpler times, simpler life, good for ASD.

I think today is easy living for someone with little exec functioning, social skills and common sense.
For examples, schools have no tests or grades, book smart people go to college, get a computer job at home, get paid, online order their food, have a cleaning lady. They must be thriving right? Maybe, their life is simply, centered on them and computer job and they have limited interaction with others. They can survive that.

Long ago, they wouldn’t survive. They had to pay attention and hunt for food, stay away from danger, have their wits about them at the factory floor, remember what crops to plant at the right time/ and harvest them, and so forth. Worst case, they were out of it and stayed home with Ma, who worked sub up until Sun down.

So I disagree that todays virtual and online world is tough on ASD; it’s almost ideal. And maybe could even confuse a date or two.
What’s not confusing is todays online world and tasks don’t really test one’s social skills, coordination, communication skills, or what kind of father they will make.

Buyer beware.

I agree. The current technological lifestyle is an asd's dream

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is practical advice for the OP or more of a social-anthropologically minded response to some of the PPs but it may be useful to take a moment to familiarize with marriage and kinship patterns from basically any culture and time period pre 20th cent. Once you realize how much we currently require from our marital relationships (lover, friend, domestic laborer, financial provider) it doesn't take much to see how a larger group of people, and certainly those who are not neurotypical, can fail to meet expectations more easily.

In general, contemporary society exacerbates neurodiverse traits which I think is one of the reasons we are seeing an increase in diagnoses. So many things that made life simpler to navigate have disappeared: clearly defined social norms and expectations, clearly defined gender roles, clear lines between work and home life, widespread religious life and the daily/weekly rhythms associated with religious rituals and customs, etc. Some of these things you might say we are better off without but there are always knock-on effects with social change and the fact that we have very few remaining social structures that we all organize our lives by makes life more stressful for the neurodiverse adult. There are no guardrails. We all have to reinvent the wheel of what functional social and homes lives look like and it's harder for those with ASD, and to a lesser extent ADHD, to do this. Adults need role models too and nuclear families are by default siloed off from one another.

Maybe some will read this and say well, we live in the here and now. And I agree that you can't just exit society and live in a world where your ideals about marriage and home life arent impacted by the mainstream culture. But when you take some time to reflect on how our current marriage, kinship and social patterns (ie egalitarian/nuclear family, broken/distant family networks, lack of religious community, etc) are so totally alien from most of human history, it doesn't take much to see that we've created a society that is harder for those who aren't naturals at forming social connections to navigate. We literally have parents on here saying that the world we live in can no longer support someone with ASD having a spouse or kids--the marital expectations are just too demanding. That's been taken away from them. And that's a problem for all of us bc human civilization cannot flourish without the neurodiverse.

I don’t disagree with what you wrote. Simpler times, simpler life, good for ASD.

I think today is easy living for someone with little exec functioning, social skills and common sense.
For examples, schools have no tests or grades, book smart people go to college, get a computer job at home, get paid, online order their food, have a cleaning lady. They must be thriving right? Maybe, their life is simply, centered on them and computer job and they have limited interaction with others. They can survive that.

Long ago, they wouldn’t survive. They had to pay attention and hunt for food, stay away from danger, have their wits about them at the factory floor, remember what crops to plant at the right time/ and harvest them, and so forth. Worst case, they were out of it and stayed home with Ma, who worked sub up until Sun down.

So I disagree that todays virtual and online world is tough on ASD; it’s almost ideal. And maybe could even confuse a date or two.
What’s not confusing is todays online world and tasks don’t really test one’s social skills, coordination, communication skills, or what kind of father they will make.

Buyer beware.

I agree. The current technological lifestyle is an asd's dream

Maybe not. ASD husband hates video calls because when people are cut off at the waist or neck or whatever its just that much harder for him to read body language and see fine facial details with all the crazy video filters. He was taught to be more aware of those social cues in person and can't seem to pick up digitally. And. He. Hates. Text. Because it can come at him at all times. The pressure, the pressure

[Anonymous]

Op is way ahead of those married to asd who temper tantrums and is verbally abusive and around the kids.

Today he was eating dinner, in his own world, chewing with his mouth open and eating quickly (a slob). I said, chew with your mouth closed, he storms off to the living room to eat (immature), I say don’t have a temper tantrum just chew with your mouth closed, and he yells Shut up (a jerk).

This is how he is anytime someone talks to him in the house about a request or concern. He wants everyone to never talk, leave him alone and walk on eggshells. He’s been working all day on his work computer too plus did one sports drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is practical advice for the OP or more of a social-anthropologically minded response to some of the PPs but it may be useful to take a moment to familiarize with marriage and kinship patterns from basically any culture and time period pre 20th cent. Once you realize how much we currently require from our marital relationships (lover, friend, domestic laborer, financial provider) it doesn't take much to see how a larger group of people, and certainly those who are not neurotypical, can fail to meet expectations more easily.

In general, contemporary society exacerbates neurodiverse traits which I think is one of the reasons we are seeing an increase in diagnoses. So many things that made life simpler to navigate have disappeared: clearly defined social norms and expectations, clearly defined gender roles, clear lines between work and home life, widespread religious life and the daily/weekly rhythms associated with religious rituals and customs, etc. Some of these things you might say we are better off without but there are always knock-on effects with social change and the fact that we have very few remaining social structures that we all organize our lives by makes life more stressful for the neurodiverse adult. There are no guardrails. We all have to reinvent the wheel of what functional social and homes lives look like and it's harder for those with ASD, and to a lesser extent ADHD, to do this. Adults need role models too and nuclear families are by default siloed off from one another.

Maybe some will read this and say well, we live in the here and now. And I agree that you can't just exit society and live in a world where your ideals about marriage and home life arent impacted by the mainstream culture. But when you take some time to reflect on how our current marriage, kinship and social patterns (ie egalitarian/nuclear family, broken/distant family networks, lack of religious community, etc) are so totally alien from most of human history, it doesn't take much to see that we've created a society that is harder for those who aren't naturals at forming social connections to navigate. We literally have parents on here saying that the world we live in can no longer support someone with ASD having a spouse or kids--the marital expectations are just too demanding. That's been taken away from them. And that's a problem for all of us bc human civilization cannot flourish without the neurodiverse.

I don’t disagree with what you wrote. Simpler times, simpler life, good for ASD.

I think today is easy living for someone with little exec functioning, social skills and common sense.
For examples, schools have no tests or grades, book smart people go to college, get a computer job at home, get paid, online order their food, have a cleaning lady. They must be thriving right? Maybe, their life is simply, centered on them and computer job and they have limited interaction with others. They can survive that.

Long ago, they wouldn’t survive. They had to pay attention and hunt for food, stay away from danger, have their wits about them at the factory floor, remember what crops to plant at the right time/ and harvest them, and so forth. Worst case, they were out of it and stayed home with Ma, who worked sub up until Sun down.

So I disagree that todays virtual and online world is tough on ASD; it’s almost ideal. And maybe could even confuse a date or two.
What’s not confusing is todays online world and tasks don’t really test one’s social skills, coordination, communication skills, or what kind of father they will make.

Buyer beware.

I agree. The current technological lifestyle is an asd's dream

Maybe not. ASD husband hates video calls because when people are cut off at the waist or neck or whatever its just that much harder for him to read body language and see fine facial details with all the crazy video filters. He was taught to be more aware of those social cues in person and can't seem to pick up digitally. And. He. Hates. Text. Because it can come at him at all times. The pressure, the pressure

Just. Can’t. Adapt.

Only knows what he has already experienced. Cannot adapt and apply senses and knowledge to new situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op is way ahead of those married to asd who temper tantrums and is verbally abusive and around the kids.

Today he was eating dinner, in his own world, chewing with his mouth open and eating quickly (a slob). I said, chew with your mouth closed, he storms off to the living room to eat (immature), I say don’t have a temper tantrum just chew with your mouth closed, and he yells Shut up (a jerk).

This is how he is anytime someone talks to him in the house about a request or concern. He wants everyone to never talk, leave him alone and walk on eggshells. He’s been working all day on his work computer too plus did one sports drive.

How do you deal with that?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been married to DH with HFA for 15 years now. In the beginning, it was okay, after three kids, it is not. He’s a stressed out mess and can not cope with work and a family. He frequently shuts himself in his office or the bathroom. If he feels criticized at all, he immediately shuts down and sometimes won’t speak for hours. He gets angry if I try to speak with him about something that he forgot or messed up because he is so scattered. He just wants to disappear into his video games and work. It’s very lonely and depressing. My self esteem has slowly chipped away over the years and I can’t imagine what “normal” even looks like anymore. I just try not to talk to him to avoid him getting upset. He seems happier that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op is way ahead of those married to asd who temper tantrums and is verbally abusive and around the kids.

Today he was eating dinner, in his own world, chewing with his mouth open and eating quickly (a slob). I said, chew with your mouth closed, he storms off to the living room to eat (immature), I say don’t have a temper tantrum just chew with your mouth closed, and he yells Shut up (a jerk).

This is how he is anytime someone talks to him in the house about a request or concern. He wants everyone to never talk, leave him alone and walk on eggshells. He’s been working all day on his work computer too plus did one sports drive.

I think the videos where they tell you not to criticize your spouse and let them live their life is the way to go. Just because he doesn't do certain things does not mean he wants to be treated like a child. Save it for the real emergencies and that goes for all spouses.