Does anyone regret leaving the work force?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I regret becoming a SAHM. Actually, I would've really enjoyed one year of maternity leave then a gradual return to full-time/in-office once the kid is in PK3.

I do not regret leaving a crappy job and toxic work environment. I should've found something better instead of staying because I knew I was going to quit to SAH with my baby.

But now that baby is 7 and another one is 4 and yet another is 20 months. No, this totally sucks. The older two are in school but between random days off and illness and just the fact that the school day really isn't all that long it still doesn't feel like I'm getting enough of a break from all of them, frankly.

Why did you have a third kid if this is how you feel?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is so cringe worthy. Full of self-congratulatory “retired” SAHM’s. I am a SAHM but you all make us sounds insufferable. Please stop.

Who is us?

You can’t group SAHMs together. Every mom is her unique person and another family’s situation has nothing to do with her.

Some people work for money. Others for personal fulfillment.

Some moms are ok with putting kids in daycare all day. I hated sending my kids to daycare even though my kids went to a great one and had a lot of fun with their friends. I still have mom guilt from those days.

This is what is cringe worthy. You still have “mom guilt” over sending your kids to a daycare they loved? Do you even hear yourself? How that sounds to other people. Good thing you married a high earner to save your from your “guilt.”

Yes, I sent my kids sick to daycare all winter. I wish I stopped working before. I am entitled to my feelings. I couldn’t make it to one of the few events my daycare had and my kid would cry because I couldn’t come.

Yeah, I'm a FT WOHM/WFH mom who loves her job. I have no desire to become a SAHM. I don't think this is that cringe worthy. I was never comfortable with (and did not use) full-time group care for mine when they were infants and toddlers.

Ok you are very happy with your child care situation but how is this remotely applicable to OP with a 4 year old and an 8 year old?

Sorry that sounded sharper than I meant it to. I also struggled at times with child care when my kids were very young but by 4 they love preschool. It’s not the time I’d be leaving the workforce. My kids are similar ages and I am a PP who cut back so my kids didn’t have long days (feel this even more strongly with elementary school, my oldest is TIRED after school) but I feel like I’m at the point where the decision to stay in the workforce is paying off.

It makes me raise an eyebrow when women decide they need to be SAHM only once all their kids start or are on the verge of going to school full-time. I get that sometimes the timing just works like that with family circumstances but it's hard to imagine being super comfortable sending an infant/toddler to daycare all day but only once they're 5 is it too much...

This is my situation. I’m strongly considering staying home in the new year (3 kids — age range 3-8). I’m not staying home now because I’m not comfortable with my kids in childcare/school — I’m staying home because we’ve finally accumulated enough money that I don’t have to work. Not working will make things much easier at home and I’m burned out from the rat race that is raising 3 kids and having 2 parents with “big” jobs. I may go back at some point or pick up some consulting — not sure. So what’s there to raise an eyebrow about?

Some people seem to place way more importance on having a mom stay home during the early childhood years. They seem to think it’s very important for babies and toddles to be cared for by mom and not a nanny.

Personally I think the older years are more important. Most of the childcare during the early years is grunt work that anyone can do. But a lot of people would disagree with me.

I also there there is some misogyny going on where people get angry if a woman has an easy life and doesn’t go to work when kids are in school. Even though the woman just spent years wiping butts and spent months pregnant she can’t possibly have a break. She need to go to work because her husband must.

It's not that. It's that they are deciding to stay home right as the kids are leaving for six hours a day. Convenient.

I worked like a madwoman through the early years. “Big” job, DH who didn’t contribute much at home, some family/in law crises… I’m tired. If it makes you feel better, just imagine I FIRE’d and my husband happens to not want to join me.

Haha no shame in that- I just find it irritating when people who have never been full time at home with toddlers claim that their "SAHM" job with kids in school all day is just as hard, busy, etc. It makes me think their WOH job must have been extremely cushy.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is so cringe worthy. Full of self-congratulatory “retired” SAHM’s. I am a SAHM but you all make us sounds insufferable. Please stop.

Who is us?

You can’t group SAHMs together. Every mom is her unique person and another family’s situation has nothing to do with her.

Some people work for money. Others for personal fulfillment.

Some moms are ok with putting kids in daycare all day. I hated sending my kids to daycare even though my kids went to a great one and had a lot of fun with their friends. I still have mom guilt from those days.

This is what is cringe worthy. You still have “mom guilt” over sending your kids to a daycare they loved? Do you even hear yourself? How that sounds to other people. Good thing you married a high earner to save your from your “guilt.”

Yes, I sent my kids sick to daycare all winter. I wish I stopped working before. I am entitled to my feelings. I couldn’t make it to one of the few events my daycare had and my kid would cry because I couldn’t come.

Yeah, I'm a FT WOHM/WFH mom who loves her job. I have no desire to become a SAHM. I don't think this is that cringe worthy. I was never comfortable with (and did not use) full-time group care for mine when they were infants and toddlers.

Ok you are very happy with your child care situation but how is this remotely applicable to OP with a 4 year old and an 8 year old?

Sorry that sounded sharper than I meant it to. I also struggled at times with child care when my kids were very young but by 4 they love preschool. It’s not the time I’d be leaving the workforce. My kids are similar ages and I am a PP who cut back so my kids didn’t have long days (feel this even more strongly with elementary school, my oldest is TIRED after school) but I feel like I’m at the point where the decision to stay in the workforce is paying off.

It makes me raise an eyebrow when women decide they need to be SAHM only once all their kids start or are on the verge of going to school full-time. I get that sometimes the timing just works like that with family circumstances but it's hard to imagine being super comfortable sending an infant/toddler to daycare all day but only once they're 5 is it too much...

This is my situation. I’m strongly considering staying home in the new year (3 kids — age range 3-8). I’m not staying home now because I’m not comfortable with my kids in childcare/school — I’m staying home because we’ve finally accumulated enough money that I don’t have to work. Not working will make things much easier at home and I’m burned out from the rat race that is raising 3 kids and having 2 parents with “big” jobs. I may go back at some point or pick up some consulting — not sure. So what’s there to raise an eyebrow about?

Some people seem to place way more importance on having a mom stay home during the early childhood years. They seem to think it’s very important for babies and toddles to be cared for by mom and not a nanny.

Personally I think the older years are more important. Most of the childcare during the early years is grunt work that anyone can do. But a lot of people would disagree with me.

I also there there is some misogyny going on where people get angry if a woman has an easy life and doesn’t go to work when kids are in school. Even though the woman just spent years wiping butts and spent months pregnant she can’t possibly have a break. She need to go to work because her husband must.

It's not that. It's that they are deciding to stay home right as the kids are leaving for six hours a day. Convenient.

Exactly... I find nothing odd about continuing on the SAHM path once kids are in school, just the ones I know who worked only until the kids were in school all day seem like odd timing.
In the cases I know the women did not have big, inflexible jobs such that they couldn't manage a teacher work day here or there. It just seems like they were both uninterested in working and in being with their kids full time (but then claim they are just as busy as they would have been if they were home while the kids were toddlers). They don't seem to get it.

DCPS has 37 days off Sep-June. My office is closed for 4 of those. Get out of your bubble. Not everyone can work these dream jobs you have.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I left the work force when my kids were 4 and 6. I didn’t think I would leave forever. I ended up having another baby and have been home now for 5 years.

I think the most important factors are your dh’s income, your savings and the stability of your marriage.

Dh earns a seven figure income. If he only earned 500k, I would probably go back to work. For now, I am enjoying my family. No regrets.

Totally disagree based on how the OP framed the question. The most important factor is: How will OP feel about never having a "big" job again? Will she find personal satisfaction being home and not working? For a year? For 5 years? What about when she tries to go back and gets one of the "I work part time from home to have something to do but my income is only $12k a year" jobs that the PPs posted? If you're someone who is used to being in a big job, and derives satisfaction out of that, the fact that your husband can pay the mortgage is pretty low down the list of factors.

I spent a lot of time in school earning my degrees. I worked long hours at investment banks while I missed putting my baby to bed most weeknights. I took a lateral job with better hours when I had my second child. Working 9-5 still didn’t leave enough time to spend time with my kids. I have tried consulting, part time, very part time and have had a nanny, cook, FT housekeeper, tutor, outsourced everything and anything I could.

Everyone is different. For me personally, I found the mommy tracked flexible jobs to be uninteresting and soul sucking. I hated doing work that I considered beneath me.[list] Some people thought my previous part time situations were ideal but having a meh job was worse than no job for me. I worked in finance though so perhaps I just didn’t find it fulfilling. I used to miss coworkers but I’ve created a network of friends to socialize with.

I love my time with my kids. I am doing all the things I missed with my older two. I host a lot of play dates, travel 10+ times per year and am enjoying life. I am also doing volunteer week in causes that interest me.

I may go back to work in the future. Right now my parents are in poor health and I also spend time with them. I don’t think I will ever regret the time I spend with my parents before they pass or the time I am spending with my children.

You found mommy-track jobs uninteresting and beneath you, but spending your days doing Target runs is super fascinating?

My days are full and never boring. I wake up everyday and get to do whatever I want and it is an awesome feeling.

Happiness is a choice. My least happy days were when I was stuck at work missing my baby.

I’m now mid forties and in the best shape of my life. My marriage is solid. Many of my friends (or their spouses)seem to be going through some sort of mid life crisis where they don’t like their jobs or reevaluating life.

Yes, we know. You scour every post on this site daily to reassure us how not bored you are.

When I used to work, I actually used to come on here and ask similar questions as OP. I struggled with work life balance. Parents who have a spouse who can share the kid pick up may not understand how hard it is to handle both the morning and afternoons. I was burnt out.

I actually love politics. Maybe I will work on the 2024 campaign. I’m allowed to be happy with my choices. It beats feeling burnt out. I used to have this stressed out life. Every moment of my life would feel like I had so much to do. I would stay up at night thinking about everything I had to do before getting kids to school and everything I had to do as soon as I got to work. I was tired all the time. I would actually get pissed when the school had a muffins for mom or a musical in the middle of the day. Now I am usually the one who picks up the muffins for these types of events. I know the principal well and the other pta parents.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is so cringe worthy. Full of self-congratulatory “retired” SAHM’s. I am a SAHM but you all make us sounds insufferable. Please stop.

Who is us?

You can’t group SAHMs together. Every mom is her unique person and another family’s situation has nothing to do with her.

Some people work for money. Others for personal fulfillment.

Some moms are ok with putting kids in daycare all day. I hated sending my kids to daycare even though my kids went to a great one and had a lot of fun with their friends. I still have mom guilt from those days.

This is what is cringe worthy. You still have “mom guilt” over sending your kids to a daycare they loved? Do you even hear yourself? How that sounds to other people. Good thing you married a high earner to save your from your “guilt.”

Yes, I sent my kids sick to daycare all winter. I wish I stopped working before. I am entitled to my feelings. I couldn’t make it to one of the few events my daycare had and my kid would cry because I couldn’t come.

Yeah, I'm a FT WOHM/WFH mom who loves her job. I have no desire to become a SAHM. I don't think this is that cringe worthy. I was never comfortable with (and did not use) full-time group care for mine when they were infants and toddlers.

Ok you are very happy with your child care situation but how is this remotely applicable to OP with a 4 year old and an 8 year old?

Sorry that sounded sharper than I meant it to. I also struggled at times with child care when my kids were very young but by 4 they love preschool. It’s not the time I’d be leaving the workforce. My kids are similar ages and I am a PP who cut back so my kids didn’t have long days (feel this even more strongly with elementary school, my oldest is TIRED after school) but I feel like I’m at the point where the decision to stay in the workforce is paying off.

It makes me raise an eyebrow when women decide they need to be SAHM only once all their kids start or are on the verge of going to school full-time. I get that sometimes the timing just works like that with family circumstances but it's hard to imagine being super comfortable sending an infant/toddler to daycare all day but only once they're 5 is it too much...

This is my situation. I’m strongly considering staying home in the new year (3 kids — age range 3-8). I’m not staying home now because I’m not comfortable with my kids in childcare/school — I’m staying home because we’ve finally accumulated enough money that I don’t have to work. Not working will make things much easier at home and I’m burned out from the rat race that is raising 3 kids and having 2 parents with “big” jobs. I may go back at some point or pick up some consulting — not sure. So what’s there to raise an eyebrow about?

Some people seem to place way more importance on having a mom stay home during the early childhood years. They seem to think it’s very important for babies and toddles to be cared for by mom and not a nanny.

Personally I think the older years are more important. Most of the childcare during the early years is grunt work that anyone can do. But a lot of people would disagree with me.

I also there there is some misogyny going on where people get angry if a woman has an easy life and doesn’t go to work when kids are in school. Even though the woman just spent years wiping butts and spent months pregnant she can’t possibly have a break. She need to go to work because her husband must.

It's not that. It's that they are deciding to stay home right as the kids are leaving for six hours a day. Convenient.

Exactly... I find nothing odd about continuing on the SAHM path once kids are in school, just the ones I know who worked only until the kids were in school all day seem like odd timing.
In the cases I know the women did not have big, inflexible jobs such that they couldn't manage a teacher work day here or there. It just seems like they were both uninterested in working and in being with their kids full time (but then claim they are just as busy as they would have been if they were home while the kids were toddlers). They don't seem to get it.

DCPS has 37 days off Sep-June. My office is closed for 4 of those. Get out of your bubble. Not everyone can work these dream jobs you have.

Kindergarten kicked my ass. It was FAR harder to scramble care for all those days off. The days scheduled in advance weren’t that bad since you can plan for those. The snow days and two hour delays are what crushed me. And the sick days. We didn’t go away on vacation that school year because I took so much time off. I put my kid in daycare camps for all the teacher work days and school breaks.

This was before Covid so I had no work from home options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I regret becoming a SAHM. Actually, I would've really enjoyed one year of maternity leave then a gradual return to full-time/in-office once the kid is in PK3.

I do not regret leaving a crappy job and toxic work environment. I should've found something better instead of staying because I knew I was going to quit to SAH with my baby.

But now that baby is 7 and another one is 4 and yet another is 20 months. No, this totally sucks. The older two are in school but between random days off and illness and just the fact that the school day really isn't all that long it still doesn't feel like I'm getting enough of a break from all of them, frankly.

Why did you have a third kid if this is how you feel?

She is in the thick of it. She may be back in a year and loving life when her second is in kindergarten and her youngest is in PT preschool.

When my kids were 2 and 4, the day to day was so hard. When I look back in pictures, they look so cute. In reality, there was a lot of whining and I just tried to survive daily.

[Anonymous]

Everyone on these posts are so derogatory on both sides. It’s really toxic and to me, reeks of insecurity, again on both sides. If you are constantly slinging insults on these threads while defending your choice, you should really reflect on why. I’m convinced it’s the same 6-8 people arguing the same tired points on every SAHM/WM thread.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is so cringe worthy. Full of self-congratulatory “retired” SAHM’s. I am a SAHM but you all make us sounds insufferable. Please stop.

Who is us?

You can’t group SAHMs together. Every mom is her unique person and another family’s situation has nothing to do with her.

Some people work for money. Others for personal fulfillment.

Some moms are ok with putting kids in daycare all day. I hated sending my kids to daycare even though my kids went to a great one and had a lot of fun with their friends. I still have mom guilt from those days.

This is what is cringe worthy. You still have “mom guilt” over sending your kids to a daycare they loved? Do you even hear yourself? How that sounds to other people. Good thing you married a high earner to save your from your “guilt.”

Yes, I sent my kids sick to daycare all winter. I wish I stopped working before. I am entitled to my feelings. I couldn’t make it to one of the few events my daycare had and my kid would cry because I couldn’t come.

Yeah, I'm a FT WOHM/WFH mom who loves her job. I have no desire to become a SAHM. I don't think this is that cringe worthy. I was never comfortable with (and did not use) full-time group care for mine when they were infants and toddlers.

Ok you are very happy with your child care situation but how is this remotely applicable to OP with a 4 year old and an 8 year old?

Sorry that sounded sharper than I meant it to. I also struggled at times with child care when my kids were very young but by 4 they love preschool. It’s not the time I’d be leaving the workforce. My kids are similar ages and I am a PP who cut back so my kids didn’t have long days (feel this even more strongly with elementary school, my oldest is TIRED after school) but I feel like I’m at the point where the decision to stay in the workforce is paying off.

It makes me raise an eyebrow when women decide they need to be SAHM only once all their kids start or are on the verge of going to school full-time. I get that sometimes the timing just works like that with family circumstances but it's hard to imagine being super comfortable sending an infant/toddler to daycare all day but only once they're 5 is it too much...

This is my situation. I’m strongly considering staying home in the new year (3 kids — age range 3-8). I’m not staying home now because I’m not comfortable with my kids in childcare/school — I’m staying home because we’ve finally accumulated enough money that I don’t have to work. Not working will make things much easier at home and I’m burned out from the rat race that is raising 3 kids and having 2 parents with “big” jobs. I may go back at some point or pick up some consulting — not sure. So what’s there to raise an eyebrow about?

Some people seem to place way more importance on having a mom stay home during the early childhood years. They seem to think it’s very important for babies and toddles to be cared for by mom and not a nanny.

Personally I think the older years are more important. Most of the childcare during the early years is grunt work that anyone can do. But a lot of people would disagree with me.

I also there there is some misogyny going on where people get angry if a woman has an easy life and doesn’t go to work when kids are in school. Even though the woman just spent years wiping butts and spent months pregnant she can’t possibly have a break. She need to go to work because her husband must.

It's not that. It's that they are deciding to stay home right as the kids are leaving for six hours a day. Convenient.

Exactly... I find nothing odd about continuing on the SAHM path once kids are in school, just the ones I know who worked only until the kids were in school all day seem like odd timing.
In the cases I know the women did not have big, inflexible jobs such that they couldn't manage a teacher work day here or there. It just seems like they were both uninterested in working and in being with their kids full time (but then claim they are just as busy as they would have been if they were home while the kids were toddlers). They don't seem to get it.

It’s not that different from the ones who claim they would “totally go back to work” but can’t seem to figure out how to do that an get a kid to the dentist at the same time.

Look I work full time, but the constant appointments are one of the things that is driving me to change jobs. My child has had 6 visits between dentist/orthodontist in order to get some spacers, teeth pulled, and retainer put in, along with regular dental checkup. Sibling has weekly therapy for ocd. Add in well visits, well visit for the dog, 2 sick visits, and I have missed a TON of work recently. My husband is a doctor and can’t just cancel 20 patients’ appointments for a kid dental visit. Who is going to do these appointments? A nanny?

[Anonymous]

I posted earlier (not OP) about considering staying home in the new year. There are perks to working (e.g. money, independence, socialization) and staying home (e.g. flexibility, not having to worry about random days off/finding care for sick kids, ability to run errands during the week, no work stress). I think it is a matter of personal preference combined with family needs etc. Not sure why there needs to be so much angst about the decision someone else makes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone on these posts are so derogatory on both sides. It’s really toxic and to me, reeks of insecurity, again on both sides. If you are constantly slinging insults on these threads while defending your choice, you should really reflect on why. I’m convinced it’s the same 6-8 people arguing the same tired points on every SAHM/WM thread.

Do you really think only 6-8 moms in the DMV area who work or stay home and are defending their choices?

I used to be a working mom and now I stay home. I will likely go back to work. Most of my friends work. I never attack other moms. Some people on this board are very defensive.

Feel confident in your choices and do what is best for your kids and family.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read the thread. I quit big law to stay home with my kids and it was the best decision. They’re teens and young adults now and I am grateful every day that I had that opportunity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone on these posts are so derogatory on both sides. It’s really toxic and to me, reeks of insecurity, again on both sides. If you are constantly slinging insults on these threads while defending your choice, you should really reflect on why. I’m convinced it’s the same 6-8 people arguing the same tired points on every SAHM/WM thread.

Do you really think only 6-8 moms in the DMV area who work or stay home and are defending their choices?

I used to be a working mom and now I stay home. I will likely go back to work. Most of my friends work. I never attack other moms. Some people on this board are very defensive.

Feel confident in your choices and do what is best for your kids and family.

I think the ones posting in a toxic way about this topic constantly are the same people, yes.

[Anonymous]

I wish there was some kind of meet-up group for former biglaw attorneys who now don’t work. I am the only one I know but it seems like there are loads on this thread. It would be so nice to know others in real life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish there was some kind of meet-up group for former biglaw attorneys who now don’t work. I am the only one I know but it seems like there are loads on this thread. It would be so nice to know others in real life.

I feel like there are a lot whondecide to stay home. They are often to married to biglaw partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish there was some kind of meet-up group for former biglaw attorneys who now don’t work. I am the only one I know but it seems like there are loads on this thread. It would be so nice to know others in real life.

I feel like there are a lot whondecide to stay home. They are often to married to biglaw partners.

PP — as am I . I just don’t know anyone else personally. I think it’s a very specific set of frustrations and relief to end a biglaw career while your husbands’ flourishes.