6th grade DD is being excluded from social events with longtime friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not an answer to her question though.


Answer. One girl sure, maybe even two. But not her entire friend group. There’s something else going on here.

Right, but it may not be fixable. I remember distinctly in 6th grade that my group of friends and I were furious at another girl in the group because we felt she was boy-crazy and obsessed with boys and did not care about our softball team (which all of us were on) as much as she used to. At the time it seemed like the worst possible offense - but in reality, we were just at different places in life. There's nothing wrong with having less interest in softball and more in boys, but it is really, really hard for immature kids to see something like that in a reasonable light.

This happened to me at this age, except I was the late bloomer who was left behind when, seemingly overnight, all my friends became boy-crazy and we just couldn't relate to each other anymore. I don't think there's anything my mom could have said to the other moms to fix this.
It sucked, but I was able to connect with other kids through extracurricular activities (dance, art) so agree with all the advice to encourage DD to meet people outside of school.

This, and I had the exact same experience. 6th grade is really weird, in that half of the girls are like 11-going-on-16, while the other half are still little girls. The more mature girls are going to find the late bloomers immature and annoying, even if they previously were friends. OP, if you think this is what's happening, there's not much you can do other than encouraging other friendships. You can't make your DD more mature, and if the other girls are forced to include your DD, they will likely escalate from largely ignoring your DD to being quite mean.

Yes, and those of us who were 11 going on 16 physically, but mentally and emotionally, still little girls. Tough age all around!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post is way too long to read.

I am going to guess you micro engineered friendships when they were little. They are now not working out as they can do their own things and interests more in middle school, and your feelings are hurt and you are trying to keep them all together.

Tell your kid to find friends that want to be with her and make her happy. That is it. The End.

This should be the last day you are ever involved in your middle schoolers friendships. Cut the umbilical cord

This is offensively poor advice. Sixth grade is way too young to demand that a child handle these feelings on her own - that’s terrible parenting.

+1. The parent of a mean girl obviously posted this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not an answer to her question though.


Answer. One girl sure, maybe even two. But not her entire friend group. There’s something else going on here.

Right, but it may not be fixable. I remember distinctly in 6th grade that my group of friends and I were furious at another girl in the group because we felt she was boy-crazy and obsessed with boys and did not care about our softball team (which all of us were on) as much as she used to. At the time it seemed like the worst possible offense - but in reality, we were just at different places in life. There's nothing wrong with having less interest in softball and more in boys, but it is really, really hard for immature kids to see something like that in a reasonable light.

This happened to me at this age, except I was the late bloomer who was left behind when, seemingly overnight, all my friends became boy-crazy and we just couldn't relate to each other anymore. I don't think there's anything my mom could have said to the other moms to fix this.
It sucked, but I was able to connect with other kids through extracurricular activities (dance, art) so agree with all the advice to encourage DD to meet people outside of school.

This, and I had the exact same experience. 6th grade is really weird, in that half of the girls are like 11-going-on-16, while the other half are still little girls. The more mature girls are going to find the late bloomers immature and annoying, even if they previously were friends. OP, if you think this is what's happening, there's not much you can do other than encouraging other friendships. You can't make your DD more mature, and if the other girls are forced to include your DD, they will likely escalate from largely ignoring your DD to being quite mean.

Yes, and those of us who were 11 going on 16 physically, but mentally and emotionally, still little girls. Tough age all around!

+1

Horrible age for tall good girls. I hid my curves, but couldn’t hide my height.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post is way too long to read.

I am going to guess you micro engineered friendships when they were little. They are now not working out as they can do their own things and interests more in middle school, and your feelings are hurt and you are trying to keep them all together.

Tell your kid to find friends that want to be with her and make her happy. That is it. The End.

This should be the last day you are ever involved in your middle schoolers friendships. Cut the umbilical cord

This is offensively poor advice. Sixth grade is way too young to demand that a child handle these feelings on her own - that’s terrible parenting.

+1. The parent of a mean girl obviously posted this.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post is way too long to read.

I am going to guess you micro engineered friendships when they were little. They are now not working out as they can do their own things and interests more in middle school, and your feelings are hurt and you are trying to keep them all together.

Tell your kid to find friends that want to be with her and make her happy. That is it. The End.

This should be the last day you are ever involved in your middle schoolers friendships. Cut the umbilical cord

This is offensively poor advice. Sixth grade is way too young to demand that a child handle these feelings on her own - that’s terrible parenting.

+1. The parent of a mean girl obviously posted this.

That poster wrote what almost all of us have suggested - actively encourage your daughter to find a new circle of friends, and it’s the right answer here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to diversify friends. Never a good idea to have all eggs in one basket for this very reason. When this was happening with my DD it was b/c she wasn't mature enough at the time: still enjoyed kid things, wasn't interested in boys, etc. And that's fine. But . . .

It's still a jerk move for the kids.
It's a jerk move for the parents, who ABSOLUTELY know.
As long as their jerk kids are included, the jerk moms don't care that yours is not. Fact. And any attempts to call them on it will backfire on you and your kid. I've seen it happen a million times with other kids (not my own as I know better).

If you're recoiling at the word jerk, it's b/c you are one. Do better. Teach your kids better. You don't have to include everyone all the time. But these kids are openly excluding. Either speak up about why or quit being jerks.

Respectfully and politely I disagree that parents know what's going on at this age. I really don't know my child's friends these days because they are organizing themselves and I'm just driving my child and dropping her off at events. I recently found out, a year later, that one child I thought DD was hanging out with is not being included. There is nothing wrong with the friend. She has a great outgoing personality and is still adored by others but this child's interests and DD's diverged so they were no longer seeing each other in some of the informal get togethers when the girls would get together and shoot basketballs as one example or hang out and make Tiktok videos. At those informal get togethers the kids would then make more formal plans and whoever wasn't there was often not included. As soon as I noticed, I mentioned it to DD who was invited her to their next gathering and DD seemed really happy to see her old friend. I think this is different from what OP is going through but really at this age many parents just don't know the details.

If DD hadn't wanted to hang out with the old friend I'm not sure what I would have done. Probably I would have brought it up again and urged but not forced.

Perfect example of a checked out parent.

Sounds like a perfect example of a normal, healthy parent-child relationship in middle school to me.

Maybe in 1980. Not now. Too many pitfalls and we know better than to hold up our parents' style of hands off parenting as some sort of aspirational goal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

They are not going to force their middle school girls to be friends with your daughter, and even people who seem like saints can become vipers when you suggest their children might not be as pleasant and inclusive as they imagine them to be.

I don't know that it is true that they will "become vipers," but I agree that you cannot force middle school kids to be friends. When another mom confronted me about my son no longer wanting to be friends with hers, all I could say was "you're right, they drifted apart, and I am sad about that because I really like Billy. I hope maybe they'll be friends again in the future." I can't control who my kid wants to hang out with, and as long as he isn't bullying anyone or being cruel, at this age, he does have the right to choose who he spends his spare time with. He has to be civil, but he doesn't have to be friends with the people I pick.

You sound like a good mom and a good person, PP. Your response to the other mom was spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to diversify friends. Never a good idea to have all eggs in one basket for this very reason. When this was happening with my DD it was b/c she wasn't mature enough at the time: still enjoyed kid things, wasn't interested in boys, etc. And that's fine. But . . .

It's still a jerk move for the kids.
It's a jerk move for the parents, who ABSOLUTELY know.
As long as their jerk kids are included, the jerk moms don't care that yours is not. Fact. And any attempts to call them on it will backfire on you and your kid. I've seen it happen a million times with other kids (not my own as I know better).

If you're recoiling at the word jerk, it's b/c you are one. Do better. Teach your kids better. You don't have to include everyone all the time. But these kids are openly excluding. Either speak up about why or quit being jerks.

Respectfully and politely I disagree that parents know what's going on at this age. I really don't know my child's friends these days because they are organizing themselves and I'm just driving my child and dropping her off at events. I recently found out, a year later, that one child I thought DD was hanging out with is not being included. There is nothing wrong with the friend. She has a great outgoing personality and is still adored by others but this child's interests and DD's diverged so they were no longer seeing each other in some of the informal get togethers when the girls would get together and shoot basketballs as one example or hang out and make Tiktok videos. At those informal get togethers the kids would then make more formal plans and whoever wasn't there was often not included. As soon as I noticed, I mentioned it to DD who was invited her to their next gathering and DD seemed really happy to see her old friend. I think this is different from what OP is going through but really at this age many parents just don't know the details.

If DD hadn't wanted to hang out with the old friend I'm not sure what I would have done. Probably I would have brought it up again and urged but not forced.

Perfect example of a checked out parent.

Sounds like a perfect example of a normal, healthy parent-child relationship in middle school to me.

Maybe in 1980. Not now. Too many pitfalls and we know better than to hold up our parents' style of hands off parenting as some sort of aspirational goal.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not an answer to her question though.


Answer. One girl sure, maybe even two. But not her entire friend group. There’s something else going on here.

Right, but it may not be fixable. I remember distinctly in 6th grade that my group of friends and I were furious at another girl in the group because we felt she was boy-crazy and obsessed with boys and did not care about our softball team (which all of us were on) as much as she used to. At the time it seemed like the worst possible offense - but in reality, we were just at different places in life. There's nothing wrong with having less interest in softball and more in boys, but it is really, really hard for immature kids to see something like that in a reasonable light.

This happened to me at this age, except I was the late bloomer who was left behind when, seemingly overnight, all my friends became boy-crazy and we just couldn't relate to each other anymore. I don't think there's anything my mom could have said to the other moms to fix this.
It sucked, but I was able to connect with other kids through extracurricular activities (dance, art) so agree with all the advice to encourage DD to meet people outside of school.

This, and I had the exact same experience. 6th grade is really weird, in that half of the girls are like 11-going-on-16, while the other half are still little girls. The more mature girls are going to find the late bloomers immature and annoying, even if they previously were friends. OP, if you think this is what's happening, there's not much you can do other than encouraging other friendships. You can't make your DD more mature, and if the other girls are forced to include your DD, they will likely escalate from largely ignoring your DD to being quite mean.

The 11-going-on-16 girls are really disturbing, and their parents who think it’s totally great!

I'm sorry that you find my daughter disturbing. I'm not sure what you'd like me to do about the fact that she is in the middle of puberty (she started on the early end of normal). She likes girls, not boys, but thinks the idea of kissing is gross. Other than that, she is much "older" than her age and isn't interested in hanging out with kids who are still playing with dolls or are playing pretend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

They are not going to force their middle school girls to be friends with your daughter, and even people who seem like saints can become vipers when you suggest their children might not be as pleasant and inclusive as they imagine them to be.

I don't know that it is true that they will "become vipers," but I agree that you cannot force middle school kids to be friends. When another mom confronted me about my son no longer wanting to be friends with hers, all I could say was "you're right, they drifted apart, and I am sad about that because I really like Billy. I hope maybe they'll be friends again in the future." I can't control who my kid wants to hang out with, and as long as he isn't bullying anyone or being cruel, at this age, he does have the right to choose who he spends his spare time with. He has to be civil, but he doesn't have to be friends with the people I pick.

You sound like a good mom and a good person, PP. Your response to the other mom was spot on.

We’re in this same sucky situation. DD is being excluded by a mean girl, and the other girls are afraid to speak up. I’ve talked to a few of the moms who see it, and are trying to get their girls to not be bystanders (you know, all the anti-bullying stuff kids were taught for the past few years), but it’s hard. And I keep telling DD, you don’t have to be friends, but you have to be civil. I wish some of the other parents were teaching this to their kids instead of ignoring it because their kid is in the “in” group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post is way too long to read.

I am going to guess you micro engineered friendships when they were little. They are now not working out as they can do their own things and interests more in middle school, and your feelings are hurt and you are trying to keep them all together.

Tell your kid to find friends that want to be with her and make her happy. That is it. The End.

This should be the last day you are ever involved in your middle schoolers friendships. Cut the umbilical cord

You didn’t read the post because it’s too long yet you still find yourself important enough to provide useless and rudely delivered advice.

lol - but the PP is right. Mom engineered friendships are toxic AF. I am not sure why parents and kids set themselves up for this

Because the parents are trying to redo their middle school years. They’re hoping if they push the “right” friendships, offer rides to soccer and swim, host play dates with no need for reciprocity, their kid will be a part of the “right” group. All I see are the parents teaching their kids to not be comfortable in their own skin, and to always to be social climbing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

They are not going to force their middle school girls to be friends with your daughter, and even people who seem like saints can become vipers when you suggest their children might not be as pleasant and inclusive as they imagine them to be.

I don't know that it is true that they will "become vipers," but I agree that you cannot force middle school kids to be friends. When another mom confronted me about my son no longer wanting to be friends with hers, all I could say was "you're right, they drifted apart, and I am sad about that because I really like Billy. I hope maybe they'll be friends again in the future." I can't control who my kid wants to hang out with, and as long as he isn't bullying anyone or being cruel, at this age, he does have the right to choose who he spends his spare time with. He has to be civil, but he doesn't have to be friends with the people I pick.

You sound like a good mom and a good person, PP. Your response to the other mom was spot on.

We’re in this same sucky situation. DD is being excluded by a mean girl, and the other girls are afraid to speak up. I’ve talked to a few of the moms who see it, and are trying to get their girls to not be bystanders (you know, all the anti-bullying stuff kids were taught for the past few years), but it’s hard. And I keep telling DD, you don’t have to be friends, but you have to be civil. I wish some of the other parents were teaching this to their kids instead of ignoring it because their kid is in the “in” group.

Yep, we had this issue on our street, unfortunately. The parents see how the mean girl behaves, but their DD's don't want to be excluded, so they (the kids and the parents) put up with the mean girl and her family. It is really gross, but nothing that I can do about it at this point, so we just don't associate with these people anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not an answer to her question though.


Answer. One girl sure, maybe even two. But not her entire friend group. There’s something else going on here.

Right, but it may not be fixable. I remember distinctly in 6th grade that my group of friends and I were furious at another girl in the group because we felt she was boy-crazy and obsessed with boys and did not care about our softball team (which all of us were on) as much as she used to. At the time it seemed like the worst possible offense - but in reality, we were just at different places in life. There's nothing wrong with having less interest in softball and more in boys, but it is really, really hard for immature kids to see something like that in a reasonable light.

This happened to me at this age, except I was the late bloomer who was left behind when, seemingly overnight, all my friends became boy-crazy and we just couldn't relate to each other anymore. I don't think there's anything my mom could have said to the other moms to fix this.
It sucked, but I was able to connect with other kids through extracurricular activities (dance, art) so agree with all the advice to encourage DD to meet people outside of school.

This, and I had the exact same experience. 6th grade is really weird, in that half of the girls are like 11-going-on-16, while the other half are still little girls. The more mature girls are going to find the late bloomers immature and annoying, even if they previously were friends. OP, if you think this is what's happening, there's not much you can do other than encouraging other friendships. You can't make your DD more mature, and if the other girls are forced to include your DD, they will likely escalate from largely ignoring your DD to being quite mean.

The 11-going-on-16 girls are really disturbing, and their parents who think it’s totally great!

It really is ok for girls to develop sooner than other girls, both physically and in terms of their interest in the opposite sex. That is nothing to be ashamed of, nor is having a late bloomer something to be proud of.

I'm the PP who originally posted that half of the girls are 11 going on 16, while the other half are little girls. I agree completely with you. There's nothing wrong with being an early bloomer. There's nothing wrong with being a late bloomer. It is true that the earlier bloomers and the later bloomers may no longer have much in common compared to two years ago. It's totally normal for friend groups to shift quite a lot around 6th grade without creating some sort of early bloomer = bad, mean girl and late bloomer = innocent victim nice girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post is way too long to read.

I am going to guess you micro engineered friendships when they were little. They are now not working out as they can do their own things and interests more in middle school, and your feelings are hurt and you are trying to keep them all together.

Tell your kid to find friends that want to be with her and make her happy. That is it. The End.

This should be the last day you are ever involved in your middle schoolers friendships. Cut the umbilical cord

You didn’t read the post because it’s too long yet you still find yourself important enough to provide useless and rudely delivered advice.

lol - but the PP is right. Mom engineered friendships are toxic AF. I am not sure why parents and kids set themselves up for this

Because the parents are trying to redo their middle school years. They’re hoping if they push the “right” friendships, offer rides to soccer and swim, host play dates with no need for reciprocity, their kid will be a part of the “right” group. All I see are the parents teaching their kids to not be comfortable in their own skin, and to always to be social climbing.

I disagree. I grew up in the uninvolved parent era of the 1980s, and even then, there were plenty of girls who on their own figured out social status, pecking orders, and social climbing. There's nothing new going on here, and all of the same behavior would happen regardless of what the moms are doing. Kids are much more savvy than many of us realize, and it's totally normal for them to be aware of social standing and social capital.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not an answer to her question though.


Answer. One girl sure, maybe even two. But not her entire friend group. There’s something else going on here.

Right, but it may not be fixable. I remember distinctly in 6th grade that my group of friends and I were furious at another girl in the group because we felt she was boy-crazy and obsessed with boys and did not care about our softball team (which all of us were on) as much as she used to. At the time it seemed like the worst possible offense - but in reality, we were just at different places in life. There's nothing wrong with having less interest in softball and more in boys, but it is really, really hard for immature kids to see something like that in a reasonable light.

This happened to me at this age, except I was the late bloomer who was left behind when, seemingly overnight, all my friends became boy-crazy and we just couldn't relate to each other anymore. I don't think there's anything my mom could have said to the other moms to fix this.
It sucked, but I was able to connect with other kids through extracurricular activities (dance, art) so agree with all the advice to encourage DD to meet people outside of school.

This, and I had the exact same experience. 6th grade is really weird, in that half of the girls are like 11-going-on-16, while the other half are still little girls. The more mature girls are going to find the late bloomers immature and annoying, even if they previously were friends. OP, if you think this is what's happening, there's not much you can do other than encouraging other friendships. You can't make your DD more mature, and if the other girls are forced to include your DD, they will likely escalate from largely ignoring your DD to being quite mean.

The 11-going-on-16 girls are really disturbing, and their parents who think it’s totally great!

It really is ok for girls to develop sooner than other girls, both physically and in terms of their interest in the opposite sex. That is nothing to be ashamed of, nor is having a late bloomer something to be proud of.

Not sure exactly what PP meant but some girls in 6th are wearing very mature outfits, watching TikTok, speaking like a much older teen, etc.

It’s the social precociousness, not physical.