6th grade DD is being excluded from social events with longtime friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Not an answer to her question though.


Answer. One girl sure, maybe even two. But not her entire friend group. There’s something else going on here.

Right, but it may not be fixable. I remember distinctly in 6th grade that my group of friends and I were furious at another girl in the group because we felt she was boy-crazy and obsessed with boys and did not care about our softball team (which all of us were on) as much as she used to. At the time it seemed like the worst possible offense - but in reality, we were just at different places in life. There's nothing wrong with having less interest in softball and more in boys, but it is really, really hard for immature kids to see something like that in a reasonable light.

This happened to me at this age, except I was the late bloomer who was left behind when, seemingly overnight, all my friends became boy-crazy and we just couldn't relate to each other anymore. I don't think there's anything my mom could have said to the other moms to fix this.
It sucked, but I was able to connect with other kids through extracurricular activities (dance, art) so agree with all the advice to encourage DD to meet people outside of school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mentioned your daughter is “dramatic.” In what way does this come across? Any way you can help her with friendship skills so that new friendships are less dramatic? Even as an adult, I am having a hard time with one of my friends who tends to be dramatic and gets offended at the drop of a hat. She is constantly complaining that friend groups are shutting her out, and her mutual constant friends, including me are at a loss as to how to help her see that some of her drama is driving these conflicts without hurting her feelings.

+1

+1

This stood out to me too. “Dramatic” can mean a lot of things, none of them good. And the kids can choose their friends at that age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not an answer to her question though.


Answer. One girl sure, maybe even two. But not her entire friend group. There’s something else going on here.

Right, but it may not be fixable. I remember distinctly in 6th grade that my group of friends and I were furious at another girl in the group because we felt she was boy-crazy and obsessed with boys and did not care about our softball team (which all of us were on) as much as she used to. At the time it seemed like the worst possible offense - but in reality, we were just at different places in life. There's nothing wrong with having less interest in softball and more in boys, but it is really, really hard for immature kids to see something like that in a reasonable light.

This happened to me at this age, except I was the late bloomer who was left behind when, seemingly overnight, all my friends became boy-crazy and we just couldn't relate to each other anymore. I don't think there's anything my mom could have said to the other moms to fix this.
It sucked, but I was able to connect with other kids through extracurricular activities (dance, art) so agree with all the advice to encourage DD to meet people outside of school.

This, and I had the exact same experience. 6th grade is really weird, in that half of the girls are like 11-going-on-16, while the other half are still little girls. The more mature girls are going to find the late bloomers immature and annoying, even if they previously were friends. OP, if you think this is what's happening, there's not much you can do other than encouraging other friendships. You can't make your DD more mature, and if the other girls are forced to include your DD, they will likely escalate from largely ignoring your DD to being quite mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to diversify friends. Never a good idea to have all eggs in one basket for this very reason. When this was happening with my DD it was b/c she wasn't mature enough at the time: still enjoyed kid things, wasn't interested in boys, etc. And that's fine. But . . .

It's still a jerk move for the kids.
It's a jerk move for the parents, who ABSOLUTELY know.
As long as their jerk kids are included, the jerk moms don't care that yours is not. Fact. And any attempts to call them on it will backfire on you and your kid. I've seen it happen a million times with other kids (not my own as I know better).

If you're recoiling at the word jerk, it's b/c you are one. Do better. Teach your kids better. You don't have to include everyone all the time. But these kids are openly excluding. Either speak up about why or quit being jerks.

Respectfully and politely I disagree that parents know what's going on at this age. I really don't know my child's friends these days because they are organizing themselves and I'm just driving my child and dropping her off at events. I recently found out, a year later, that one child I thought DD was hanging out with is not being included. There is nothing wrong with the friend. She has a great outgoing personality and is still adored by others but this child's interests and DD's diverged so they were no longer seeing each other in some of the informal get togethers when the girls would get together and shoot basketballs as one example or hang out and make Tiktok videos. At those informal get togethers the kids would then make more formal plans and whoever wasn't there was often not included. As soon as I noticed, I mentioned it to DD who was invited her to their next gathering and DD seemed really happy to see her old friend. I think this is different from what OP is going through but really at this age many parents just don't know the details.

If DD hadn't wanted to hang out with the old friend I'm not sure what I would have done. Probably I would have brought it up again and urged but not forced.

Perfect example of a checked out parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not an answer to her question though.


Answer. One girl sure, maybe even two. But not her entire friend group. There’s something else going on here.

Right, but it may not be fixable. I remember distinctly in 6th grade that my group of friends and I were furious at another girl in the group because we felt she was boy-crazy and obsessed with boys and did not care about our softball team (which all of us were on) as much as she used to. At the time it seemed like the worst possible offense - but in reality, we were just at different places in life. There's nothing wrong with having less interest in softball and more in boys, but it is really, really hard for immature kids to see something like that in a reasonable light.

This happened to me at this age, except I was the late bloomer who was left behind when, seemingly overnight, all my friends became boy-crazy and we just couldn't relate to each other anymore. I don't think there's anything my mom could have said to the other moms to fix this.
It sucked, but I was able to connect with other kids through extracurricular activities (dance, art) so agree with all the advice to encourage DD to meet people outside of school.

Yup-- I was an awkward MS girl and got a little left behind when it came to boys and physical development. It meant that my friends were relating to each better than they were relating to me. I got there eventually, and now realize that I was fortunate to put all of that off, even if it wasn't my choice.

OP- the only solution is to branch out on friendships. If the girls are being deliberately exclusive and mean, it will get worse the more your DD visibly reacts. I wouldn't approach the parents, because they are probably getting a different story from their DDs and frankly, as someone else said, as long as their daughters are "in" they aren't going to worry overly much about anyone else. Also, practically, there's nothing they could do but force the situation, which would make things worse.

While friends are part of the solution, keeping family life low key and a sanctuary will help your DD through a tough time. The worst thing for me was that I was being left out by friends and didn't have a good home life. It was lonely.

I'm sorry your DD is going through this- normal as it may be, it's hard. As others have said, if there are aspects of your DD's personality that may be contributing, your pragmatism may help. My DS has/had a tendency to feel a little victimized, whether he was the victim or not. It stemmed from anxiety. I would approach things in a neutral way- commiserate with his hurt or disappointment, but not jump on the bandwagon that things are unfair. Brainstorming on a plan for the day or week, has helped him feel more in control of challenging school or social situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not an answer to her question though.


Answer. One girl sure, maybe even two. But not her entire friend group. There’s something else going on here.

Right, but it may not be fixable. I remember distinctly in 6th grade that my group of friends and I were furious at another girl in the group because we felt she was boy-crazy and obsessed with boys and did not care about our softball team (which all of us were on) as much as she used to. At the time it seemed like the worst possible offense - but in reality, we were just at different places in life. There's nothing wrong with having less interest in softball and more in boys, but it is really, really hard for immature kids to see something like that in a reasonable light.

This happened to me at this age, except I was the late bloomer who was left behind when, seemingly overnight, all my friends became boy-crazy and we just couldn't relate to each other anymore. I don't think there's anything my mom could have said to the other moms to fix this.
It sucked, but I was able to connect with other kids through extracurricular activities (dance, art) so agree with all the advice to encourage DD to meet people outside of school.

This, and I had the exact same experience. 6th grade is really weird, in that half of the girls are like 11-going-on-16, while the other half are still little girls. The more mature girls are going to find the late bloomers immature and annoying, even if they previously were friends. OP, if you think this is what's happening, there's not much you can do other than encouraging other friendships. You can't make your DD more mature, and if the other girls are forced to include your DD, they will likely escalate from largely ignoring your DD to being quite mean.

The 11-going-on-16 girls are really disturbing, and their parents who think it’s totally great!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not an answer to her question though.


Answer. One girl sure, maybe even two. But not her entire friend group. There’s something else going on here.

Right, but it may not be fixable. I remember distinctly in 6th grade that my group of friends and I were furious at another girl in the group because we felt she was boy-crazy and obsessed with boys and did not care about our softball team (which all of us were on) as much as she used to. At the time it seemed like the worst possible offense - but in reality, we were just at different places in life. There's nothing wrong with having less interest in softball and more in boys, but it is really, really hard for immature kids to see something like that in a reasonable light.

This happened to me at this age, except I was the late bloomer who was left behind when, seemingly overnight, all my friends became boy-crazy and we just couldn't relate to each other anymore. I don't think there's anything my mom could have said to the other moms to fix this.
It sucked, but I was able to connect with other kids through extracurricular activities (dance, art) so agree with all the advice to encourage DD to meet people outside of school.

This, and I had the exact same experience. 6th grade is really weird, in that half of the girls are like 11-going-on-16, while the other half are still little girls. The more mature girls are going to find the late bloomers immature and annoying, even if they previously were friends. OP, if you think this is what's happening, there's not much you can do other than encouraging other friendships. You can't make your DD more mature, and if the other girls are forced to include your DD, they will likely escalate from largely ignoring your DD to being quite mean.

The 11-going-on-16 girls are really disturbing, and their parents who think it’s totally great!

+1000000000000000000000000000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to diversify friends. Never a good idea to have all eggs in one basket for this very reason. When this was happening with my DD it was b/c she wasn't mature enough at the time: still enjoyed kid things, wasn't interested in boys, etc. And that's fine. But . . .

It's still a jerk move for the kids.
It's a jerk move for the parents, who ABSOLUTELY know.
As long as their jerk kids are included, the jerk moms don't care that yours is not. Fact. And any attempts to call them on it will backfire on you and your kid. I've seen it happen a million times with other kids (not my own as I know better).

If you're recoiling at the word jerk, it's b/c you are one. Do better. Teach your kids better. You don't have to include everyone all the time. But these kids are openly excluding. Either speak up about why or quit being jerks.

Respectfully and politely I disagree that parents know what's going on at this age. I really don't know my child's friends these days because they are organizing themselves and I'm just driving my child and dropping her off at events. I recently found out, a year later, that one child I thought DD was hanging out with is not being included. There is nothing wrong with the friend. She has a great outgoing personality and is still adored by others but this child's interests and DD's diverged so they were no longer seeing each other in some of the informal get togethers when the girls would get together and shoot basketballs as one example or hang out and make Tiktok videos. At those informal get togethers the kids would then make more formal plans and whoever wasn't there was often not included. As soon as I noticed, I mentioned it to DD who was invited her to their next gathering and DD seemed really happy to see her old friend. I think this is different from what OP is going through but really at this age many parents just don't know the details.

If DD hadn't wanted to hang out with the old friend I'm not sure what I would have done. Probably I would have brought it up again and urged but not forced.

Perfect example of a checked out parent.

Sounds like a perfect example of a normal, healthy parent-child relationship in middle school to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to diversify friends. Never a good idea to have all eggs in one basket for this very reason. When this was happening with my DD it was b/c she wasn't mature enough at the time: still enjoyed kid things, wasn't interested in boys, etc. And that's fine. But . . .

It's still a jerk move for the kids.
It's a jerk move for the parents, who ABSOLUTELY know.
As long as their jerk kids are included, the jerk moms don't care that yours is not. Fact. And any attempts to call them on it will backfire on you and your kid. I've seen it happen a million times with other kids (not my own as I know better).

If you're recoiling at the word jerk, it's b/c you are one. Do better. Teach your kids better. You don't have to include everyone all the time. But these kids are openly excluding. Either speak up about why or quit being jerks.

Respectfully and politely I disagree that parents know what's going on at this age. I really don't know my child's friends these days because they are organizing themselves and I'm just driving my child and dropping her off at events. I recently found out, a year later, that one child I thought DD was hanging out with is not being included. There is nothing wrong with the friend. She has a great outgoing personality and is still adored by others but this child's interests and DD's diverged so they were no longer seeing each other in some of the informal get togethers when the girls would get together and shoot basketballs as one example or hang out and make Tiktok videos. At those informal get togethers the kids would then make more formal plans and whoever wasn't there was often not included. As soon as I noticed, I mentioned it to DD who was invited her to their next gathering and DD seemed really happy to see her old friend. I think this is different from what OP is going through but really at this age many parents just don't know the details.

If DD hadn't wanted to hang out with the old friend I'm not sure what I would have done. Probably I would have brought it up again and urged but not forced.

Perfect example of a checked out parent.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I had been close with the moms as well, but distanced myself once my DD was excluded. I wouldn’t bring it up to the moms. They know your DD is missing whether they admit it or not. Even if you ask one, you will get a generic message that the girls are growing apart, etc.

I agree that not admitting there is an issue is gaslighting and inappropriate. But unless there is a specific mean comment or behavior that OP wants these women to address (in which case she can bring that up), there's no other answer that they can give except that the girls are growing apart.

Which is exactly why OP shouldn’t bother to ask any of the other moms. The girls are usually savvy enough not to be outwardly mean in front of parents. If their moms ask them about it they will likely be even worse toward OP’s DD. There is nothing to be gained by talking to the other moms, regardless of how good OP’s friendships are with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to diversify friends. Never a good idea to have all eggs in one basket for this very reason. When this was happening with my DD it was b/c she wasn't mature enough at the time: still enjoyed kid things, wasn't interested in boys, etc. And that's fine. But . . .

It's still a jerk move for the kids.
It's a jerk move for the parents, who ABSOLUTELY know.
As long as their jerk kids are included, the jerk moms don't care that yours is not. Fact. And any attempts to call them on it will backfire on you and your kid. I've seen it happen a million times with other kids (not my own as I know better).

If you're recoiling at the word jerk, it's b/c you are one. Do better. Teach your kids better. You don't have to include everyone all the time. But these kids are openly excluding. Either speak up about why or quit being jerks.

Respectfully and politely I disagree that parents know what's going on at this age. I really don't know my child's friends these days because they are organizing themselves and I'm just driving my child and dropping her off at events. I recently found out, a year later, that one child I thought DD was hanging out with is not being included. There is nothing wrong with the friend. She has a great outgoing personality and is still adored by others but this child's interests and DD's diverged so they were no longer seeing each other in some of the informal get togethers when the girls would get together and shoot basketballs as one example or hang out and make Tiktok videos. At those informal get togethers the kids would then make more formal plans and whoever wasn't there was often not included. As soon as I noticed, I mentioned it to DD who was invited her to their next gathering and DD seemed really happy to see her old friend. I think this is different from what OP is going through but really at this age many parents just don't know the details.

If DD hadn't wanted to hang out with the old friend I'm not sure what I would have done. Probably I would have brought it up again and urged but not forced.

Perfect example of a checked out parent.

Um you mean - not a micro-managing helicopter mom.

I mean give me a break. We’re our moms EVER involved with who or who we were not friends with in 6th grade. The over-involvement is making trivial things like changing of friendships seem so much more dramatic. Get over it moms. Get a life. Let your kids be friends with who and who they don’t want to be friends with. You only know your child’s biased version of the story and get so emotional because of it. You are teaching kids that everything is worth a mental breakdown. It’s embarrassing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to diversify friends. Never a good idea to have all eggs in one basket for this very reason. When this was happening with my DD it was b/c she wasn't mature enough at the time: still enjoyed kid things, wasn't interested in boys, etc. And that's fine. But . . .

It's still a jerk move for the kids.
It's a jerk move for the parents, who ABSOLUTELY know.
As long as their jerk kids are included, the jerk moms don't care that yours is not. Fact. And any attempts to call them on it will backfire on you and your kid. I've seen it happen a million times with other kids (not my own as I know better).

If you're recoiling at the word jerk, it's b/c you are one. Do better. Teach your kids better. You don't have to include everyone all the time. But these kids are openly excluding. Either speak up about why or quit being jerks.

Respectfully and politely I disagree that parents know what's going on at this age. I really don't know my child's friends these days because they are organizing themselves and I'm just driving my child and dropping her off at events. I recently found out, a year later, that one child I thought DD was hanging out with is not being included. There is nothing wrong with the friend. She has a great outgoing personality and is still adored by others but this child's interests and DD's diverged so they were no longer seeing each other in some of the informal get togethers when the girls would get together and shoot basketballs as one example or hang out and make Tiktok videos. At those informal get togethers the kids would then make more formal plans and whoever wasn't there was often not included. As soon as I noticed, I mentioned it to DD who was invited her to their next gathering and DD seemed really happy to see her old friend. I think this is different from what OP is going through but really at this age many parents just don't know the details.

If DD hadn't wanted to hang out with the old friend I'm not sure what I would have done. Probably I would have brought it up again and urged but not forced.

Perfect example of a checked out parent.

Sounds like a perfect example of a normal, healthy parent-child relationship in middle school to me.

Agree. Child of the 80s here and my parents were “checked out” in this way, and it was a much better upbringing than to be helicoptered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not an answer to her question though.


Answer. One girl sure, maybe even two. But not her entire friend group. There’s something else going on here.

Right, but it may not be fixable. I remember distinctly in 6th grade that my group of friends and I were furious at another girl in the group because we felt she was boy-crazy and obsessed with boys and did not care about our softball team (which all of us were on) as much as she used to. At the time it seemed like the worst possible offense - but in reality, we were just at different places in life. There's nothing wrong with having less interest in softball and more in boys, but it is really, really hard for immature kids to see something like that in a reasonable light.

This happened to me at this age, except I was the late bloomer who was left behind when, seemingly overnight, all my friends became boy-crazy and we just couldn't relate to each other anymore. I don't think there's anything my mom could have said to the other moms to fix this.
It sucked, but I was able to connect with other kids through extracurricular activities (dance, art) so agree with all the advice to encourage DD to meet people outside of school.

This, and I had the exact same experience. 6th grade is really weird, in that half of the girls are like 11-going-on-16, while the other half are still little girls. The more mature girls are going to find the late bloomers immature and annoying, even if they previously were friends. OP, if you think this is what's happening, there's not much you can do other than encouraging other friendships. You can't make your DD more mature, and if the other girls are forced to include your DD, they will likely escalate from largely ignoring your DD to being quite mean.

The 11-going-on-16 girls are really disturbing, and their parents who think it’s totally great!

It’s funny to see these comments and know the exact type of mom who types this crap. My perfect child and all of these terrible other kids. Meanwhile said “perfect child” is manipulating and sneaking around different clothes and relationships - while terrible kids have an open relationship with their mom.

But sure, slut shame 11yr old girls who crush on boys. ALWAYS a positive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to diversify friends. Never a good idea to have all eggs in one basket for this very reason. When this was happening with my DD it was b/c she wasn't mature enough at the time: still enjoyed kid things, wasn't interested in boys, etc. And that's fine. But . . .

It's still a jerk move for the kids.
It's a jerk move for the parents, who ABSOLUTELY know.
As long as their jerk kids are included, the jerk moms don't care that yours is not. Fact. And any attempts to call them on it will backfire on you and your kid. I've seen it happen a million times with other kids (not my own as I know better).

If you're recoiling at the word jerk, it's b/c you are one. Do better. Teach your kids better. You don't have to include everyone all the time. But these kids are openly excluding. Either speak up about why or quit being jerks.

Respectfully and politely I disagree that parents know what's going on at this age. I really don't know my child's friends these days because they are organizing themselves and I'm just driving my child and dropping her off at events. I recently found out, a year later, that one child I thought DD was hanging out with is not being included. There is nothing wrong with the friend. She has a great outgoing personality and is still adored by others but this child's interests and DD's diverged so they were no longer seeing each other in some of the informal get togethers when the girls would get together and shoot basketballs as one example or hang out and make Tiktok videos. At those informal get togethers the kids would then make more formal plans and whoever wasn't there was often not included. As soon as I noticed, I mentioned it to DD who was invited her to their next gathering and DD seemed really happy to see her old friend. I think this is different from what OP is going through but really at this age many parents just don't know the details.

If DD hadn't wanted to hang out with the old friend I'm not sure what I would have done. Probably I would have brought it up again and urged but not forced.

Perfect example of a checked out parent.

Um you mean - not a micro-managing helicopter mom.

I mean give me a break. We’re our moms EVER involved with who or who we were not friends with in 6th grade. The over-involvement is making trivial things like changing of friendships seem so much more dramatic. Get over it moms. Get a life. Let your kids be friends with who and who they don’t want to be friends with. You only know your child’s biased version of the story and get so emotional because of it. You are teaching kids that everything is worth a mental breakdown. It’s embarrassing

THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not an answer to her question though.


Answer. One girl sure, maybe even two. But not her entire friend group. There’s something else going on here.

Right, but it may not be fixable. I remember distinctly in 6th grade that my group of friends and I were furious at another girl in the group because we felt she was boy-crazy and obsessed with boys and did not care about our softball team (which all of us were on) as much as she used to. At the time it seemed like the worst possible offense - but in reality, we were just at different places in life. There's nothing wrong with having less interest in softball and more in boys, but it is really, really hard for immature kids to see something like that in a reasonable light.

This happened to me at this age, except I was the late bloomer who was left behind when, seemingly overnight, all my friends became boy-crazy and we just couldn't relate to each other anymore. I don't think there's anything my mom could have said to the other moms to fix this.
It sucked, but I was able to connect with other kids through extracurricular activities (dance, art) so agree with all the advice to encourage DD to meet people outside of school.

This, and I had the exact same experience. 6th grade is really weird, in that half of the girls are like 11-going-on-16, while the other half are still little girls. The more mature girls are going to find the late bloomers immature and annoying, even if they previously were friends. OP, if you think this is what's happening, there's not much you can do other than encouraging other friendships. You can't make your DD more mature, and if the other girls are forced to include your DD, they will likely escalate from largely ignoring your DD to being quite mean.

The 11-going-on-16 girls are really disturbing, and their parents who think it’s totally great!

It really is ok for girls to develop sooner than other girls, both physically and in terms of their interest in the opposite sex. That is nothing to be ashamed of, nor is having a late bloomer something to be proud of.