Friend asked to join book club - how to politely say no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does she even know it exists. So rude to mention it.

+1

Or maybe the rest of you are a pack of mean mommies. That’s kind of what it sounds like. How many years ago was preschool and you’re still an exclusive clique?

They are friends who have kids the same age. This is not a clique.

Look up the definition of a clique. They are one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend asked to join my book club. The thing is, the women in my book club have known one another for a decade (we all had daughters in the same preschool) and have been meeting for 10 years. It's a pretty specific dynamic.

The friend who asked to join also lives in our town but doesn't know any of these women; she's my neighbor and has been looking for a club to join. She is lovely, and I want to be inclusive. I also feel like it would just change the dynamic of the book club. I'm typing this and feeling weird. I want to say yes! It's also just this certain group from a certain time period of people who know each other really well and have never had a new member for years and years. Maybe those of you in a longtime book club get it.

She just texted me asking if she could come to the next meeting. What do I say?

You are a terrible friend. If you said no to me I would know how your truly felt about our relationship and I would let it die. But sounds like that is what you want.

Are you crazy? If you are my friend you have to belong to everything I do? You are nuts.

I am not nuts but, if we had a good relationship and op admitted she liked me and then said I couldn't join the book club that probably only meets once a month that would hurt my feelings. Sorry I am not a robot that you are. That does not mean I want to join everything you do. And you really shouldn't throw word like "crazy" or "nuts" because it is very shaming of people who do have mental issues. This is why we have a mental crisis because people like you put a stigma on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people are being super dramatic about you saying to the neighbor "Sorry, the group doesn't want new members, but I'll let you know if things change. I'd love to be in a book club with you though - shall we post on Next Door to see who else wants to join?"

I wouldn't be offended by that because I understand about how one person can change a group's dynamic especially if they have a long history.

I didn't get the impression that op wanted to join another book club with the neighbor ( not friend) Did you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you a Libra?

must be [/quote

I'm not the OP but I'm a libra and this is totally something I would stress over. What is it about Libras that make us like this? Because we are indecisive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you ever talk to your friend about the book club? My guess is you wanted to boast or show how intellectual you are or how many friends you have. I guess you can say that the group has a standing agreement not to invite new members because if everyone did, the size would grow untenable. How about you ask her to launch a new book club which you will also participate in? You can read two books a month, right?

This. If you didn't want her to join your "highly exclusive" club, you shouldn't have mentioned it. You don't sound like much of a friend.

Pretty soon her friend should know what type of a friend the OP is to her. I find this to be very sad.

This is probably why some of you don't have friends. START SLOW. OP said her book club was made up of members who had known each other for years. Her new friend is a neighbor. It takes time to become actual friends.

Calm down. Give your relationships some time. You'll slowly grow some friends.

I have friends but, how do you take it to the next level? If you never ask the answer will always be no.

Be patient. Continue doing things together. It will happen, PP -- it takes time. It's built up slowly. The OP's book club went through a life-altering experience together and it's harder when you're not going through that with others but it will happen.

Also invite some of the people you'd like to socialize more with over to your house for something.

Most of these people I have known for three years. That should be 'slow' enough. Look if you don't want to invite me don't keep telling me about how much you socialize together without me! And I have a terrible house for entertaining.

This is not about you.

Actually this part isn't for you. I was answering a direct question. And no I do not want to join your book club.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does she even know it exists. So rude to mention it.

+1

Or maybe the rest of you are a pack of mean mommies. That’s kind of what it sounds like. How many years ago was preschool and you’re still an exclusive clique?

They are friends who have kids the same age. This is not a clique.

Look up the definition of a clique. They are one.

They are adults. They can pick and choose who they want to be in a book group with. It's not like this is a block party and the host is only inviting certain households in the neighborhood -- it's private. This is OP's group. Maybe her neighbor is too close for comfort. Maybe she likes having more than one social circle. Who knows. Who cares. It's a free country and OP and her book group friends can do as they wish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you ever talk to your friend about the book club? My guess is you wanted to boast or show how intellectual you are or how many friends you have. I guess you can say that the group has a standing agreement not to invite new members because if everyone did, the size would grow untenable. How about you ask her to launch a new book club which you will also participate in? You can read two books a month, right?

This. If you didn't want her to join your "highly exclusive" club, you shouldn't have mentioned it. You don't sound like much of a friend.

Pretty soon her friend should know what type of a friend the OP is to her. I find this to be very sad.

This is probably why some of you don't have friends. START SLOW. OP said her book club was made up of members who had known each other for years. Her new friend is a neighbor. It takes time to become actual friends.

Calm down. Give your relationships some time. You'll slowly grow some friends.

I have friends but, how do you take it to the next level? If you never ask the answer will always be no.

Be patient. Continue doing things together. It will happen, PP -- it takes time. It's built up slowly. The OP's book club went through a life-altering experience together and it's harder when you're not going through that with others but it will happen.

Also invite some of the people you'd like to socialize more with over to your house for something.

Most of these people I have known for three years. That should be 'slow' enough. Look if you don't want to invite me don't keep telling me about how much you socialize together without me! And I have a terrible house for entertaining.

I agree that is rude and weird. Start branching out. Find a new friend or acquaintance here or there. Keep trying. These people are not for you.

The fact is I enjoy doing this activity with them so I am not going to drop out because then I won't have anything. So I just have to accept I won't be invited to intimate things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you ever talk to your friend about the book club? My guess is you wanted to boast or show how intellectual you are or how many friends you have. I guess you can say that the group has a standing agreement not to invite new members because if everyone did, the size would grow untenable. How about you ask her to launch a new book club which you will also participate in? You can read two books a month, right?

This. If you didn't want her to join your "highly exclusive" club, you shouldn't have mentioned it. You don't sound like much of a friend.

Pretty soon her friend should know what type of a friend the OP is to her. I find this to be very sad.

This is probably why some of you don't have friends. START SLOW. OP said her book club was made up of members who had known each other for years. Her new friend is a neighbor. It takes time to become actual friends.

Calm down. Give your relationships some time. You'll slowly grow some friends.

I have friends but, how do you take it to the next level? If you never ask the answer will always be no.

Be patient. Continue doing things together. It will happen, PP -- it takes time. It's built up slowly. The OP's book club went through a life-altering experience together and it's harder when you're not going through that with others but it will happen.

Also invite some of the people you'd like to socialize more with over to your house for something.

Most of these people I have known for three years. That should be 'slow' enough. Look if you don't want to invite me don't keep telling me about how much you socialize together without me! And I have a terrible house for entertaining.

I agree that is rude and weird. Start branching out. Find a new friend or acquaintance here or there. Keep trying. These people are not for you.

The fact is I enjoy doing this activity with them so I am not going to drop out because then I won't have anything. So I just have to accept I won't be invited to intimate things.

Not talking about an orgy..just poker night or dinner etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does she even know it exists. So rude to mention it.

+1

Or maybe the rest of you are a pack of mean mommies. That’s kind of what it sounds like. How many years ago was preschool and you’re still an exclusive clique?

They are friends who have kids the same age. This is not a clique.

Look up the definition of a clique. They are one.

They are adults. They can pick and choose who they want to be in a book group with. It's not like this is a block party and the host is only inviting certain households in the neighborhood -- it's private. This is OP's group. Maybe her neighbor is too close for comfort. Maybe she likes having more than one social circle. Who knows. Who cares. It's a free country and OP and her book group friends can do as they wish.

then why didn't op just say no in the beginning?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you ever talk to your friend about the book club? My guess is you wanted to boast or show how intellectual you are or how many friends you have. I guess you can say that the group has a standing agreement not to invite new members because if everyone did, the size would grow untenable. How about you ask her to launch a new book club which you will also participate in? You can read two books a month, right?

This. If you didn't want her to join your "highly exclusive" club, you shouldn't have mentioned it. You don't sound like much of a friend.

Pretty soon her friend should know what type of a friend the OP is to her. I find this to be very sad.

This is probably why some of you don't have friends. START SLOW. OP said her book club was made up of members who had known each other for years. Her new friend is a neighbor. It takes time to become actual friends.

Calm down. Give your relationships some time. You'll slowly grow some friends.

I have friends but, how do you take it to the next level? If you never ask the answer will always be no.

Be patient. Continue doing things together. It will happen, PP -- it takes time. It's built up slowly. The OP's book club went through a life-altering experience together and it's harder when you're not going through that with others but it will happen.

Also invite some of the people you'd like to socialize more with over to your house for something.

Most of these people I have known for three years. That should be 'slow' enough. Look if you don't want to invite me don't keep telling me about how much you socialize together without me! And I have a terrible house for entertaining.

This is not about you.

Actually this part isn't for you. I was answering a direct question. And no I do not want to join your book club.

I hope you find your tribe, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you ever talk to your friend about the book club? My guess is you wanted to boast or show how intellectual you are or how many friends you have. I guess you can say that the group has a standing agreement not to invite new members because if everyone did, the size would grow untenable. How about you ask her to launch a new book club which you will also participate in? You can read two books a month, right?

This. If you didn't want her to join your "highly exclusive" club, you shouldn't have mentioned it. You don't sound like much of a friend.

Pretty soon her friend should know what type of a friend the OP is to her. I find this to be very sad.

This is probably why some of you don't have friends. START SLOW. OP said her book club was made up of members who had known each other for years. Her new friend is a neighbor. It takes time to become actual friends.

Calm down. Give your relationships some time. You'll slowly grow some friends.

I have friends but, how do you take it to the next level? If you never ask the answer will always be no.

Be patient. Continue doing things together. It will happen, PP -- it takes time. It's built up slowly. The OP's book club went through a life-altering experience together and it's harder when you're not going through that with others but it will happen.

Also invite some of the people you'd like to socialize more with over to your house for something.

Most of these people I have known for three years. That should be 'slow' enough. Look if you don't want to invite me don't keep telling me about how much you socialize together without me! And I have a terrible house for entertaining.

I agree that is rude and weird. Start branching out. Find a new friend or acquaintance here or there. Keep trying. These people are not for you.

The fact is I enjoy doing this activity with them so I am not going to drop out because then I won't have anything. So I just have to accept I won't be invited to intimate things.

I'm sorry you feel this way. I hope it gets better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you ever talk to your friend about the book club? My guess is you wanted to boast or show how intellectual you are or how many friends you have. I guess you can say that the group has a standing agreement not to invite new members because if everyone did, the size would grow untenable. How about you ask her to launch a new book club which you will also participate in? You can read two books a month, right?

This. If you didn't want her to join your "highly exclusive" club, you shouldn't have mentioned it. You don't sound like much of a friend.

Pretty soon her friend should know what type of a friend the OP is to her. I find this to be very sad.

This is probably why some of you don't have friends. START SLOW. OP said her book club was made up of members who had known each other for years. Her new friend is a neighbor. It takes time to become actual friends.

Calm down. Give your relationships some time. You'll slowly grow some friends.

I have friends but, how do you take it to the next level? If you never ask the answer will always be no.

Be patient. Continue doing things together. It will happen, PP -- it takes time. It's built up slowly. The OP's book club went through a life-altering experience together and it's harder when you're not going through that with others but it will happen.

Also invite some of the people you'd like to socialize more with over to your house for something.

Most of these people I have known for three years. That should be 'slow' enough. Look if you don't want to invite me don't keep telling me about how much you socialize together without me! And I have a terrible house for entertaining.

I agree that is rude and weird. Start branching out. Find a new friend or acquaintance here or there. Keep trying. These people are not for you.

The fact is I enjoy doing this activity with them so I am not going to drop out because then I won't have anything. So I just have to accept I won't be invited to intimate things.

I'm sorry you feel this way. I hope it gets better.

Wow you guys are nice! It's ok really. I am a very independent person and I do enjoy interacting with them. I just know not to expect anything more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you ever talk to your friend about the book club? My guess is you wanted to boast or show how intellectual you are or how many friends you have. I guess you can say that the group has a standing agreement not to invite new members because if everyone did, the size would grow untenable. How about you ask her to launch a new book club which you will also participate in? You can read two books a month, right?

This. If you didn't want her to join your "highly exclusive" club, you shouldn't have mentioned it. You don't sound like much of a friend.

Pretty soon her friend should know what type of a friend the OP is to her. I find this to be very sad.

This is probably why some of you don't have friends. START SLOW. OP said her book club was made up of members who had known each other for years. Her new friend is a neighbor. It takes time to become actual friends.

Calm down. Give your relationships some time. You'll slowly grow some friends.

I have friends but, how do you take it to the next level? If you never ask the answer will always be no.

Be patient. Continue doing things together. It will happen, PP -- it takes time. It's built up slowly. The OP's book club went through a life-altering experience together and it's harder when you're not going through that with others but it will happen.

Also invite some of the people you'd like to socialize more with over to your house for something.

Most of these people I have known for three years. That should be 'slow' enough. Look if you don't want to invite me don't keep telling me about how much you socialize together without me! And I have a terrible house for entertaining.

I agree that is rude and weird. Start branching out. Find a new friend or acquaintance here or there. Keep trying. These people are not for you.

The fact is I enjoy doing this activity with them so I am not going to drop out because then I won't have anything. So I just have to accept I won't be invited to intimate things.

What do you think it is? Are you similar ages? Do you all have kids? Were you asked once and said no, and now they assume you don't want to go? What would happen if you said, "That sounds like something I'd enjoy." How would they respond?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're in a book club that's not open to new members, you should obey the first rule of book club.

Never talk about book club.

But seriously, I had a friend in London who was in a book club with Natascha McElhone and I would have loved to join but wouldn't have dreamed of asking. Now that was an exclusive group.

OP's group sounds boring. Just mommies from Bethesda. Yawn.

You weren’t invited so they don’t care what you think. You can start your own.

Are you replying to my post? If so you need to check your meds because your response has nothing to do with anything I wrote.
This place is madder than I first thought.

Apparently, you never learned drawing inferences in middle school in English class.

And you never learned to write correctly.