Friend asked to join book club - how to politely say no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see how you could unilaterally invite someone to a long standing group.

So why not just ask the group ?

[Anonymous]

‘Oh Tina, so sorry, definitely not personal, but at this point it is a closed group’

I definitely understand sayin no. I got invited to a book club of old friends that had known each other for years. Great, friendly women but I feel like an outsider and cannot figure how to quit.
My feelings are in no way hurt, but I just want out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend asked to join my book club. The thing is, the women in my book club have known one another for a decade (we all had daughters in the same preschool) and have been meeting for 10 years. It's a pretty specific dynamic.

The friend who asked to join also lives in our town but doesn't know any of these women; she's my neighbor and has been looking for a club to join. She is lovely, and I want to be inclusive. I also feel like it would just change the dynamic of the book club. I'm typing this and feeling weird. I want to say yes! It's also just this certain group from a certain time period of people who know each other really well and have never had a new member for years and years. Maybe those of you in a longtime book club get it.

She just texted me asking if she could come to the next meeting. What do I say?

You are a terrible friend. If you said no to me I would know how your truly felt about our relationship and I would let it die. But sounds like that is what you want.

Are you crazy? If you are my friend you have to belong to everything I do? You are nuts.

[Anonymous]

How does she even know it exists. So rude to mention it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does she even know it exists. So rude to mention it.

By that logic, friends should be very secretive.

"What did you do this weekend?"

"NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! I WAITED TO HANG OUT WITH YOU!" *bats eyes and calls CIA*

[Anonymous]

SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see how you could unilaterally invite someone to a long standing group.

+1

Ask the group. Maybe it will start a discussion re: new members.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

I don't think it's bold and rude. It's only awkward because OP doesn't want her in her long-established group. Both positions are reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does she even know it exists. So rude to mention it.

+1

Or maybe the rest of you are a pack of mean mommies. That’s kind of what it sounds like. How many years ago was preschool and you’re still an exclusive clique?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know the other members wouldn’t welcome her? Or is it you that doesn’t want her in the club?

This has come up a couple of other times over the years and the consensus has been, we all like the same kinds of books, and we've basically just kept it to us. I can certainly float it to the group. I just am afraid nobody will bite and I will hurt my neighbor's feelings.

But at least you can say it was a group decision and they do not let anyone new in.

[Anonymous]

I invited a friend to a book group of women who had known each other for 10+ years and we all have a kid in same grade/class. It hasn't been a problem and people think she's lovely.

[Anonymous]

I get where you are coming from. I would ask the group if you could invite her something like 3-4 times a year, assuming you meet monthly or whatever. Even once or twice a year would be nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see how you could unilaterally invite someone to a long standing group.

So why not just ask the group ?

Big plus one

Group decision .. group dynamics change anyway and too much of an island mentality is not good IMO ..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend asked to join my book club. The thing is, the women in my book club have known one another for a decade (we all had daughters in the same preschool) and have been meeting for 10 years. It's a pretty specific dynamic.

The friend who asked to join also lives in our town but doesn't know any of these women; she's my neighbor and has been looking for a club to join. She is lovely, and I want to be inclusive. I also feel like it would just change the dynamic of the book club. I'm typing this and feeling weird. I want to say yes! It's also just this certain group from a certain time period of people who know each other really well and have never had a new member for years and years. Maybe those of you in a longtime book club get it.

She just texted me asking if she could come to the next meeting. What do I say?

My impression based on your post is that you are a closed-minded person. My second thought is that you may be a snob.

I am not trying to be rude, but you remind me of cliques that format some wealthy high schools and small colleges.

Cliques form in non wealthy HS as well and large colleges and in all the cities i have lived and went to school (parents moved a lot) in Europe, Canada and East and West Coast of the States.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does she even know it exists. So rude to mention it.

+1

Or maybe the rest of you are a pack of mean mommies. That’s kind of what it sounds like. How many years ago was preschool and you’re still an exclusive clique?

They are friends who have kids the same age. This is not a clique.