Almost done with freshman year! And lessons learned.

[Anonymous]

Ah, too bad. I saw the OP post and thought this could have been an interesting thread. But then the "hell no, don't be a helicopter" posters took over.
Interesting that they think they are absolutely right and mature in their parenting, but feel like they need to offer comments ridiculing those that live differently.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

Are you kidding? This is the total opposite of a helicopter. I am a helicopter. My kids would not for one second be without a full stock of vitamins and meds, housing secured for the following year, and the fear of god in them for not getting strong grades.

I applaud OP because I think she is doing many things that will foster independence in her children. I can certainly learn from her.

My parents taught me to value grades well before I started college. I dealt with figuring out housing. I *think* I might have generally told them what I ended up getting each semester, but I honestly don’t remember for sure.

Basically, they helped me move in freshman year, visited me occasionally, and that was about it.

The whole idea is to prepare your kid for college beforehand, so that they can be independent when they go. They’re adults.

Np Some people mature later than others or have disabilities OR need more support than you did. If you can't understand this ask yourself why it bothers you so much when it doesn't affect your life at all. Judge not or you will be judged yourself.

DP. When excessive hand-holding into early adulthood becomes the norm, it does affect us all, and I think that’s why so many get particularly bent out of shape about this kind of stuff.

It 100 percent impacts all of us because your kids start to work for us and guess what, they are terrible employees! Because they can't figure anything out and think they are super special.

Exactly.

And lest you think “oh the kids are fine,” they are not. My sister is a professor and constantly talks about how the undergrads can’t figure out how to operate responsibly and appropriately. Just a few examples:

- 98% of them just do not read the syllabus, and therefore are constantly asking questions that would be easy to answer if they just read it

- they virtually all expect extensions on their assignments

- a kid asked her today what she did over the weekend. She said, “I worked on my book.” Kid: You’re writing a book? What is it about? Sister: (named research topic) Kid: Sounds boring.

- several kids have asked for her cell number, so they can text her questions

This is at an R1 university. Teach your kids how to act in an appropriate manner; otherwise, they’ll make fools of themselves in college.

Tell her to discipline them and grow a backbone.

If their parents had done this, she wouldn’t have to.

Well first of all, not every kid grows up cultured enough to understand academia or even what professors research/why they research.

That excuses telling a professor “your book sounds boring”?

No. But you couldn't seem to grasp that the average college freshmen has no idea that professors write books or what kind of books those are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

Are you kidding? This is the total opposite of a helicopter. I am a helicopter. My kids would not for one second be without a full stock of vitamins and meds, housing secured for the following year, and the fear of god in them for not getting strong grades.

I applaud OP because I think she is doing many things that will foster independence in her children. I can certainly learn from her.

My parents taught me to value grades well before I started college. I dealt with figuring out housing. I *think* I might have generally told them what I ended up getting each semester, but I honestly don’t remember for sure.

Basically, they helped me move in freshman year, visited me occasionally, and that was about it.

The whole idea is to prepare your kid for college beforehand, so that they can be independent when they go. They’re adults.

Np Some people mature later than others or have disabilities OR need more support than you did. If you can't understand this ask yourself why it bothers you so much when it doesn't affect your life at all. Judge not or you will be judged yourself.

DP. When excessive hand-holding into early adulthood becomes the norm, it does affect us all, and I think that’s why so many get particularly bent out of shape about this kind of stuff.

It 100 percent impacts all of us because your kids start to work for us and guess what, they are terrible employees! Because they can't figure anything out and think they are super special.

Exactly.

And lest you think “oh the kids are fine,” they are not. My sister is a professor and constantly talks about how the undergrads can’t figure out how to operate responsibly and appropriately. Just a few examples:

- 98% of them just do not read the syllabus, and therefore are constantly asking questions that would be easy to answer if they just read it

- they virtually all expect extensions on their assignments

- a kid asked her today what she did over the weekend. She said, “I worked on my book.” Kid: You’re writing a book? What is it about? Sister: (named research topic) Kid: Sounds boring.

- several kids have asked for her cell number, so they can text her questions

This is at an R1 university. Teach your kids how to act in an appropriate manner; otherwise, they’ll make fools of themselves in college.

Tell her to discipline them and grow a backbone.

If their parents had done this, she wouldn’t have to.

Well first of all, not every kid grows up cultured enough to understand academia or even what professors research/why they research.

That excuses telling a professor “your book sounds boring”?

No. But you couldn't seem to grasp that the average college freshmen has no idea that professors write books or what kind of books those are.

Sadly, this was from a senior. I wish I were joking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I see nothing wrong with OP's approach and that of many of the other posters. Why shame people for the choices they make? If you let your kid figure out housing and getting himself to the hospital before his appendix bursts and it works out, then great. But if other families deal with it differently or are a little more involved (which is understandable if they're the ones paying for housing or are concerned about a life-threatening and painful condition), then why criticize that? People really need to recognize that parenting and adjusting when kids leave for college doesn't have a one-size-fits-all solution. If you do it differently and it works, great. If not, also great. Kids also mature at different rates and just because they're not solo independent globetrotters by the time they turn 18, doesn't mean that they shouldn't go to college after high school.

My older kids are out of college and my younger ones are about to start. Both of my older ones did struggle initially moving away and learning to deal with issues that arose but are now graduated and working in nearby cities. Both of them wanted a closer relationship while away, so we often texted and occasionally Skyped or visited and it's what was good for them. With my younger ones, if might be different and that's okay too.

You people cannot read. I didn't know until over 7 hours after he took care of himself. The point being: I raised an independent young man. He knew what to do for himself. Once he called me, many hours after the fact to tell me (how could I know if I didn't know?), I went to the hospital. God, there is really something wrong with all of you. You say, "why shame people?" then make erroneous stupid judgements of others? I would guess you really don't know what' good for them, honestly, if you cannot even speak or read with any coherence.

I don't think I made any judgement, I literally said that different families have different approaches and that's fine. If I misinterpreted your previous comments which were not meant to "shame" or "judge", then my bad, that's the way it came across. I didn't make any assumptions, I literally just said that if different approaches work for different people, that's great. This comment was also not in direct response to anyone particular comment and was actual in support of "different strokes for different folks. If anything, I think it's more judgemental to call people names and denigrate their approaches to parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

Meh, these aren't "normal" freshman. These kids lost almost 2 valuable years of development in late high school to COVID. Many of them need more support. Be grateful if your kid doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

Are you kidding? This is the total opposite of a helicopter. I am a helicopter. My kids would not for one second be without a full stock of vitamins and meds, housing secured for the following year, and the fear of god in them for not getting strong grades.

I applaud OP because I think she is doing many things that will foster independence in her children. I can certainly learn from her.

My parents taught me to value grades well before I started college. I dealt with figuring out housing. I *think* I might have generally told them what I ended up getting each semester, but I honestly don’t remember for sure.

Basically, they helped me move in freshman year, visited me occasionally, and that was about it.

The whole idea is to prepare your kid for college beforehand, so that they can be independent when they go. They’re adults.

Np Some people mature later than others or have disabilities OR need more support than you did. If you can't understand this ask yourself why it bothers you so much when it doesn't affect your life at all. Judge not or you will be judged yourself.

DP. When excessive hand-holding into early adulthood becomes the norm, it does affect us all, and I think that’s why so many get particularly bent out of shape about this kind of stuff.

It 100 percent impacts all of us because your kids start to work for us and guess what, they are terrible employees! Because they can't figure anything out and think they are super special.

Exactly.

And lest you think “oh the kids are fine,” they are not. My sister is a professor and constantly talks about how the undergrads can’t figure out how to operate responsibly and appropriately. Just a few examples:

- 98% of them just do not read the syllabus, and therefore are constantly asking questions that would be easy to answer if they just read it

- they virtually all expect extensions on their assignments

- a kid asked her today what she did over the weekend. She said, “I worked on my book.” Kid: You’re writing a book? What is it about? Sister: (named research topic) Kid: Sounds boring.

- several kids have asked for her cell number, so they can text her questions

This is at an R1 university. Teach your kids how to act in an appropriate manner; otherwise, they’ll make fools of themselves in college.

Tell her to discipline them and grow a backbone.

If their parents had done this, she wouldn’t have to.

Well first of all, not every kid grows up cultured enough to understand academia or even what professors research/why they research.

That excuses telling a professor “your book sounds boring”?

I’d rather people not go to pharmacies when they are sick. It’s good to have medicine at home to avoid going out and infecting others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haha wow all this discussion on helicoptering. When that comes up on this board, I always think, what a miserable human being that you have to comment on someone else’s parenting.

I just got off the phone with my DD Who called me on her way to pick up lunch. We talked about her classes, her health (she has strep), her summer job prospects, how packing to come home is going etc. I mean just normal conversation, do you people seriously not talk to your kids?

I couldn’t feel less shame for how I parent my kids and I am happy they stay in touch with me just to chat or ask my advice. I almost never call them, unless I need something urgently. I have left it up to them and they still choose to speak to me often. I am happy about that and don’t feel the least bit bad about it.

Same. My Mom and I were great friends as adults. I am a very independent adult, but I appreciated my parents’ advice as long as they were living, and I miss not having them to talk to now. I would be so sad if my kid never called and asked for my advice again. Why is that considered to be a good thing?

That’s really not what people are talking about here. Talking to your parents and asking them for reasonable advice is different than having your parents provide basic over the counter meds for you that you could pick up at CVS.

+1 This is parents obsessively planning for any eventuality and managing great swaths of their young adult lives.

[Anonymous]

My DD spent all of her freshman year (last school year) at home instead of dorming, by choice. Small private college. Classes were mostly online, and all had students tuned in online. It was lovely. We watched TV together most nights each week, she learned how to cook so many different meals, joined clubs that met over Zoom, and got a great GPA.

Now (since August) she's off at school like everybody else and I am a little wistful. She will probably never be at home for close to that long again. We talk frequently and I think she adjusted successfully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD spent all of her freshman year (last school year) at home instead of dorming, by choice. Small private college. Classes were mostly online, and all had students tuned in online. It was lovely. We watched TV together most nights each week, she learned how to cook so many different meals, joined clubs that met over Zoom, and got a great GPA.

Now (since August) she's off at school like everybody else and I am a little wistful. She will probably never be at home for close to that long again. We talk frequently and I think she adjusted successfully.

+1. DD was also home all summer while working a job and taking a summer class, but it was very relaxed and we did a lot together as a family. She's been back all year except for a few week-long breaks and I do miss her, although I think she's starting to enjoy what a more normal college experience can be like. I'm excited to have her back for the summer though she'll be working again and we've planned a short road trip before she goes back early to start her job as an RA. Still, I know it's a privilege, but I look back at her freshman year with fondness at all of the memories we made together.

[Anonymous]

I have twins too! They ended up at different in-state colleges only a few hours away, but it feels farther since they haven't come home besides the longer breaks. One of them did end up a bit homesick for a while (it happens to boys too!), especially after seeing his brother adjust and make friends faster at another college. I definitely agree with the PP that these kids have spent their last years in HS during the pandemic and while it hasn't been awful, thankfully, it means that for our kids, at least, they're very used to home and missed out on some more independent experiences. We encouraged him to stick it out and said we would visit for parents weekend. He felt better by Thanksgiving but was still a little sad to go back to school (I think he really enjoyed being home and always has to readjust after a break) but has since made some friends, joined some clubs, started a job, and formed a study group. His brother, on the other hand, seemed to have had a smoother transition initially but struggled a bit more second semester as his first semester friend group drifted apart and he struggled a bit making friends outside of freshman orientation when everyone's desperate and willing to hang out. It's gotten better and I've let the brothers talk it over and exchange tips, although I've also given my 2 cents, reassuring them that it will work out. So far, so good. The twins will be back in town for the summer very shortly and will be working but will still have time for seeing family and friends. I'm excited for them to see them blossom elsewhere but I'm looking forward to having them home as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have twins too! They ended up at different in-state colleges only a few hours away, but it feels farther since they haven't come home besides the longer breaks. One of them did end up a bit homesick for a while (it happens to boys too!), especially after seeing his brother adjust and make friends faster at another college. I definitely agree with the PP that these kids have spent their last years in HS during the pandemic and while it hasn't been awful, thankfully, it means that for our kids, at least, they're very used to home and missed out on some more independent experiences. We encouraged him to stick it out and said we would visit for parents weekend. He felt better by Thanksgiving but was still a little sad to go back to school (I think he really enjoyed being home and always has to readjust after a break) but has since made some friends, joined some clubs, started a job, and formed a study group. His brother, on the other hand, seemed to have had a smoother transition initially but struggled a bit more second semester as his first semester friend group drifted apart and he struggled a bit making friends outside of freshman orientation when everyone's desperate and willing to hang out. It's gotten better and I've let the brothers talk it over and exchange tips, although I've also given my 2 cents, reassuring them that it will work out. So far, so good. The twins will be back in town for the summer very shortly and will be working but will still have time for seeing family and friends. I'm excited for them to see them blossom elsewhere but I'm looking forward to having them home as well.

+1 The freshman year is hard, glad they found their way tho. I agree, this class spent the last 18 months of high school in an awful situation due to Covid so I think it is absolutely a harder transition than other classes had, other than the class of 24 who had to deal with online college as freshmen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

+1 I feel so embarrassed for parents like this.

Please don't be embarrased for my - I promise you I am not. I would kindly ask you to STFU and get off your judgmental and self important high horse

I think parents like you are naive or can be borderline neglectful. There is a happy medium you know? Just because you want to help your 17/18 year old with some advice and guidance to successfully navigate one of the biggest changes to their lives to set themselves up for success does NOT mean you are helicoptering. It means your a decent parent. No one is saying make the calls for them, or help them with their school work. Its about helping them stay relatively health, safe, and on track.

I find people like you who throw out the helicoptering thing any time a parent is actually interested and supportive of their kids ridiculous. I am not a helicopter parent. I believe in giving kids the freedom to fail - when it's not fatal. I don't plan on helicoptering my college student, but I do plan on helping them figure out how to get healthcare for themselves if they get sick and need it (did your college freshman handle ALL of their healthcare needs and insurance as a teenager before they left for college? ). Or how to make my life easier by having a plan in place if I need to quickly send money, or ya know, inquire as to what kind of plan they have to map out classes so I'm not paying for 5+ years of college.

Okay - I feel better getting that off my chest. LOL. Flame away!

NP here. You're just not doing yourself any favors with this defense. You are doing too much for your college freshmen. They should have figured out their own housing and registered for their own classes. They obviously have advisors and it's their job to go to them--not their mommy--if they are unsure. My college freshman, with severe ADHD and executive function deficit, did all this himself. The night he woke up with acute apendicitis, he got himself to the hospical, and didn't call me until the morning--about 7 hours later to say, basically, "they seem to feel pretty strongly I should have it removed, I feel like I just wanted to check with you and dad to make sure that's the right thing to do before I consent to it," Two weeks later got himself to his post-surgical follow-up appointment. And you are concerned that your kids won't know what to do if they have a cold. So yes, the whole premise of the thread is flameworthy--sorry. I do think I may show it to my kids, who complain that I am too hands on. If only they knew.

You're being so judgemental!

Some kids mature slowly. That's the way it is.

I got so upset with my freshman who would not pack for college. Would not. Drove me insane. I finally decided to pack for her. She was relieved. She could not do it.

What some kids are "supposed" to be able to do, other kids just are not there yet. Parents have to help until the kids can do well on their own.

BTW, my kid has had a GREAT freshman year. She need a little help at the beginning, that's all. I also helped set up her room when we got there. After the packing fiasco, I realized she'd never unpack on her own either. All worked out well for MY kid. Every kid is different.

Oh, and we talk every week. I asked her to call me every Sunday night. She probably wouldn't call at all on her own, but I insisted. I need to check in with her, and yes, it's averted a few issues. I'm sure there's lots I don't know about, but at least I keep in touch with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

+1 I feel so embarrassed for parents like this.

Please don't be embarrased for my - I promise you I am not. I would kindly ask you to STFU and get off your judgmental and self important high horse

I think parents like you are naive or can be borderline neglectful. There is a happy medium you know? Just because you want to help your 17/18 year old with some advice and guidance to successfully navigate one of the biggest changes to their lives to set themselves up for success does NOT mean you are helicoptering. It means your a decent parent. No one is saying make the calls for them, or help them with their school work. Its about helping them stay relatively health, safe, and on track.

I find people like you who throw out the helicoptering thing any time a parent is actually interested and supportive of their kids ridiculous. I am not a helicopter parent. I believe in giving kids the freedom to fail - when it's not fatal. I don't plan on helicoptering my college student, but I do plan on helping them figure out how to get healthcare for themselves if they get sick and need it (did your college freshman handle ALL of their healthcare needs and insurance as a teenager before they left for college? ). Or how to make my life easier by having a plan in place if I need to quickly send money, or ya know, inquire as to what kind of plan they have to map out classes so I'm not paying for 5+ years of college.

Okay - I feel better getting that off my chest. LOL. Flame away!

NP here. You're just not doing yourself any favors with this defense. You are doing too much for your college freshmen. They should have figured out their own housing and registered for their own classes. They obviously have advisors and it's their job to go to them--not their mommy--if they are unsure. My college freshman, with severe ADHD and executive function deficit, did all this himself. The night he woke up with acute apendicitis, he got himself to the hospical, and didn't call me until the morning--about 7 hours later to say, basically, "they seem to feel pretty strongly I should have it removed, I feel like I just wanted to check with you and dad to make sure that's the right thing to do before I consent to it," Two weeks later got himself to his post-surgical follow-up appointment. And you are concerned that your kids won't know what to do if they have a cold. So yes, the whole premise of the thread is flameworthy--sorry. I do think I may show it to my kids, who complain that I am too hands on. If only they knew.

I think you need to take a moment and really think about that. He was trying to figure out his own health care in a new place while in serious pain and he didn't even think to call you bc why? He must have figured you weren't going to be much help or sympathy or that you would look down on him for asking for help. It's pretty bad that he didn't even feel the need to ask for help from his own parents in this situation and sadly since you are trying to brag about this, it's clear you don't recognize this isn't a good situation. Also be careful about bringing op this situation IRL. I know you think it is a bragging point but no people won't see it that way and will just think less of you as a person.

Look, everyone is different. My dd had strep and didn't call me. She got a friend to take her to some walk-in place near her college. It turned out to be mono, and she had to come home because she was very sick. I went and got her at that point. Some kids can handle stuff, some can't. As soon as my kid asked for help, I was right there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

Are you kidding? This is the total opposite of a helicopter. I am a helicopter. My kids would not for one second be without a full stock of vitamins and meds, housing secured for the following year, and the fear of god in them for not getting strong grades.

I applaud OP because I think she is doing many things that will foster independence in her children. I can certainly learn from her.

A full stock of vitamins for a college student? What does that even mean?

This is confusing for you? A big bottle of multivitamins, and another zinc. I may include refills in care packages. Stocked also means medicines for common ailments like benadryl, advil, Pepto-Bismol, NyQuil, Tums, etc.... Did that help?

My kid's college is in a very rural area with no Whole Foods, etc., nearby, so I sent her to college with a semester's worth of vitamins and natural toiletries. I wanted to make sure she had enough so she didn't have to go out to WalMart to get stuff. She was very happy I did this. She never ran out of toothpaste, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

Are you kidding? This is the total opposite of a helicopter. I am a helicopter. My kids would not for one second be without a full stock of vitamins and meds, housing secured for the following year, and the fear of god in them for not getting strong grades.

I applaud OP because I think she is doing many things that will foster independence in her children. I can certainly learn from her.

A full stock of vitamins for a college student? What does that even mean?

This is confusing for you? A big bottle of multivitamins, and another zinc. I may include refills in care packages. Stocked also means medicines for common ailments like benadryl, advil, Pepto-Bismol, NyQuil, Tums, etc.... Did that help?

Yes, thank you for clarifying! Overkill, as I suspected.

You really are a judgemental a-hole.