Almost done with freshman year! And lessons learned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some of the people crying helicopter don't have kids.

Also, agree with the poster who said the novelty wears off of being so independent. In fact, I've seen time and time again where students with those 'hands off' parents end up relying on their friends' parents for advice and support and help. If you're proud to be that parent that's MIA while your kid bonds with/relies on another adult your age, good for you....I question your values and mental health.

Why can't you understand that there's middle ground? You can raise independent kids with love and compassion, without going MIA. It's not one or the other.

A lot of trolls on this (and all DCUM) thread.

My 25 year old still calls and asks me for advice when things get rough. I helped her rewrite her resume, and helped her find a new job. I'd help a friend too. You love your kids and want to help them out when they need it. I'd call my 25 year old very independent, yet when she needs something I can provide, she asks for it, and she gets it. Not $$ BTW, just love and advice and support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haha wow all this discussion on helicoptering. When that comes up on this board, I always think, what a miserable human being that you have to comment on someone else’s parenting.

I just got off the phone with my DD Who called me on her way to pick up lunch. We talked about her classes, her health (she has strep), her summer job prospects, how packing to come home is going etc. I mean just normal conversation, do you people seriously not talk to your kids?

I couldn’t feel less shame for how I parent my kids and I am happy they stay in touch with me just to chat or ask my advice. I almost never call them, unless I need something urgently. I have left it up to them and they still choose to speak to me often. I am happy about that and don’t feel the least bit bad about it.

Same. My Mom and I were great friends as adults. I am a very independent adult, but I appreciated my parents’ advice as long as they were living, and I miss not having them to talk to now. I would be so sad if my kid never called and asked for my advice again. Why is that considered to be a good thing?

That’s really not what people are talking about here. Talking to your parents and asking them for reasonable advice is different than having your parents provide basic over the counter meds for you that you could pick up at CVS.

At the beginning of this thread, when parents of actual freshmen were offering helpful advice about what they'd learned this year, many posters mentioned that they wished they'd sent a first-aid kit to college with their freshman. Seems like a good point, and I'm going to do it when my kid goes to college in a few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kid, and you, are adjusting to a new phase of your relationship. There may be times that you are unhappy with the lack of contact/closeness and they are unhappy with your desire to know how they are / what they are up to.

This gets better, as you both learn your new roles. I think it is normal.

This. It’s Harder than I thought On both sides. I was surprised by this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haha wow all this discussion on helicoptering. When that comes up on this board, I always think, what a miserable human being that you have to comment on someone else’s parenting.

I just got off the phone with my DD Who called me on her way to pick up lunch. We talked about her classes, her health (she has strep), her summer job prospects, how packing to come home is going etc. I mean just normal conversation, do you people seriously not talk to your kids?

I couldn’t feel less shame for how I parent my kids and I am happy they stay in touch with me just to chat or ask my advice. I almost never call them, unless I need something urgently. I have left it up to them and they still choose to speak to me often. I am happy about that and don’t feel the least bit bad about it.

Same. My Mom and I were great friends as adults. I am a very independent adult, but I appreciated my parents’ advice as long as they were living, and I miss not having them to talk to now. I would be so sad if my kid never called and asked for my advice again. Why is that considered to be a good thing?

That’s really not what people are talking about here. Talking to your parents and asking them for reasonable advice is different than having your parents provide basic over the counter meds for you that you could pick up at CVS.

At the beginning of this thread, when parents of actual freshmen were offering helpful advice about what they'd learned this year, many posters mentioned that they wished they'd sent a first-aid kit to college with their freshman. Seems like a good point, and I'm going to do it when my kid goes to college in a few years.

Me too! The first aid kit would not have occurred to me. I probably won't send all the vitamins, but definitely some acetaminophen, ibuprofen, allergy meds, thermometer. Such a good idea. Sure, DC can go to CVS but I have these in a medicine cabinet so I don't have to go to CVS when I need them. It's a good thing to teach DC to have basic supplies on hand. (will I do this again sophomore year, no...I'll tell them to be sure to replenish as needed and that's on them)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some of the people crying helicopter don't have kids.

Also, agree with the poster who said the novelty wears off of being so independent. In fact, I've seen time and time again where students with those 'hands off' parents end up relying on their friends' parents for advice and support and help. If you're proud to be that parent that's MIA while your kid bonds with/relies on another adult your age, good for you....I question your values and mental health.

Why can't you understand that there's middle ground? You can raise independent kids with love and compassion, without going MIA. It's not one or the other.

A lot of trolls on this (and all DCUM) thread.

My 25 year old still calls and asks me for advice when things get rough. I helped her rewrite her resume, and helped her find a new job. I'd help a friend too. You love your kids and want to help them out when they need it. I'd call my 25 year old very independent, yet when she needs something I can provide, she asks for it, and she gets it. Not $$ BTW, just love and advice and support.

Ditto to bolded and everything else. For some reason this thread brought all the judgmental crazies out. It’s really unfortunate because I’m sure a lot of parents and college bound kids could have benefited from more advice less judgmental bickering.

Why aren’t you holier than thou posters posting on the roommate thread? Not a single person has commented that the mom shouldn’t even worrying about whether the kid gets a roommate or not. Curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

Are you kidding? This is the total opposite of a helicopter. I am a helicopter. My kids would not for one second be without a full stock of vitamins and meds, housing secured for the following year, and the fear of god in them for not getting strong grades.

I applaud OP because I think she is doing many things that will foster independence in her children. I can certainly learn from her.

A full stock of vitamins for a college student? What does that even mean?

This is confusing for you? A big bottle of multivitamins, and another zinc. I may include refills in care packages. Stocked also means medicines for common ailments like benadryl, advil, Pepto-Bismol, NyQuil, Tums, etc.... Did that help?

My kid's college is in a very rural area with no Whole Foods, etc., nearby, so I sent her to college with a semester's worth of vitamins and natural toiletries. I wanted to make sure she had enough so she didn't have to go out to WalMart to get stuff. She was very happy I did this. She never ran out of toothpaste, etc.

Oh my god.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

Are you kidding? This is the total opposite of a helicopter. I am a helicopter. My kids would not for one second be without a full stock of vitamins and meds, housing secured for the following year, and the fear of god in them for not getting strong grades.

I applaud OP because I think she is doing many things that will foster independence in her children. I can certainly learn from her.

A full stock of vitamins for a college student? What does that even mean?

This is confusing for you? A big bottle of multivitamins, and another zinc. I may include refills in care packages. Stocked also means medicines for common ailments like benadryl, advil, Pepto-Bismol, NyQuil, Tums, etc.... Did that help?

My kid's college is in a very rural area with no Whole Foods, etc., nearby, so I sent her to college with a semester's worth of vitamins and natural toiletries. I wanted to make sure she had enough so she didn't have to go out to WalMart to get stuff. She was very happy I did this. She never ran out of toothpaste, etc.

I’m not really bothered by most of this thread but this post really rubs me the wrong way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

+1 I feel so embarrassed for parents like this.

Please don't be embarrased for my - I promise you I am not. I would kindly ask you to STFU and get off your judgmental and self important high horse

I think parents like you are naive or can be borderline neglectful. There is a happy medium you know? Just because you want to help your 17/18 year old with some advice and guidance to successfully navigate one of the biggest changes to their lives to set themselves up for success does NOT mean you are helicoptering. It means your a decent parent. No one is saying make the calls for them, or help them with their school work. Its about helping them stay relatively health, safe, and on track.

I find people like you who throw out the helicoptering thing any time a parent is actually interested and supportive of their kids ridiculous. I am not a helicopter parent. I believe in giving kids the freedom to fail - when it's not fatal. I don't plan on helicoptering my college student, but I do plan on helping them figure out how to get healthcare for themselves if they get sick and need it (did your college freshman handle ALL of their healthcare needs and insurance as a teenager before they left for college? ). Or how to make my life easier by having a plan in place if I need to quickly send money, or ya know, inquire as to what kind of plan they have to map out classes so I'm not paying for 5+ years of college.

Okay - I feel better getting that off my chest. LOL. Flame away!

NP here. You're just not doing yourself any favors with this defense. You are doing too much for your college freshmen. They should have figured out their own housing and registered for their own classes. They obviously have advisors and it's their job to go to them--not their mommy--if they are unsure. My college freshman, with severe ADHD and executive function deficit, did all this himself. The night he woke up with acute apendicitis, he got himself to the hospical, and didn't call me until the morning--about 7 hours later to say, basically, "they seem to feel pretty strongly I should have it removed, I feel like I just wanted to check with you and dad to make sure that's the right thing to do before I consent to it," Two weeks later got himself to his post-surgical follow-up appointment. And you are concerned that your kids won't know what to do if they have a cold. So yes, the whole premise of the thread is flameworthy--sorry. I do think I may show it to my kids, who complain that I am too hands on. If only they knew.

I think you need to take a moment and really think about that. He was trying to figure out his own health care in a new place while in serious pain and he didn't even think to call you bc why? He must have figured you weren't going to be much help or sympathy or that you would look down on him for asking for help. It's pretty bad that he didn't even feel the need to ask for help from his own parents in this situation and sadly since you are trying to brag about this, it's clear you don't recognize this isn't a good situation. Also be careful about bringing op this situation IRL. I know you think it is a bragging point but no people won't see it that way and will just think less of you as a person.

I don't agree and here is what I see as a fellow ADHD parent-- My ADHD DS is often frustrated and down on himself because he often needs reminders and help and definitely needs meds to function. Here, I see a story of a young man that wanted to manage his own health for himself-- and did a great job. When he had a diagnosis and a proposed plan, he called his parent-- who came and comforted him. I am guessing he was incredibly proud of himself, not forlorn that his parent wouldn't be helpful or sympathetic. As a parent, I would feel grateful to know that my DS was a responsible, intelligent, pragmatic adult because someday I won't be here at all for him to call. Just a different perspective

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some of the people crying helicopter don't have kids.

Also, agree with the poster who said the novelty wears off of being so independent. In fact, I've seen time and time again where students with those 'hands off' parents end up relying on their friends' parents for advice and support and help. If you're proud to be that parent that's MIA while your kid bonds with/relies on another adult your age, good for you....I question your values and mental health.

Why can't you understand that there's middle ground? You can raise independent kids with love and compassion, without going MIA. It's not one or the other.

A lot of trolls on this (and all DCUM) thread.

My 25 year old still calls and asks me for advice when things get rough. I helped her rewrite her resume, and helped her find a new job. I'd help a friend too. You love your kids and want to help them out when they need it. I'd call my 25 year old very independent, yet when she needs something I can provide, she asks for it, and she gets it. Not $$ BTW, just love and advice and support.

Ditto to bolded and everything else. For some reason this thread brought all the judgmental crazies out. It’s really unfortunate because I’m sure a lot of parents and college bound kids could have benefited from more advice less judgmental bickering.

Why aren’t you holier than thou posters posting on the roommate thread? Not a single person has commented that the mom shouldn’t even worrying about whether the kid gets a roommate or not. Curious.

The OP's crazy, over the top tone, honestly. It's her excitement about what should really be her kids' lives at this point I think that gets people roiled up. So much living vicariously through children, which is not healthy for anybody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

Are you kidding? This is the total opposite of a helicopter. I am a helicopter. My kids would not for one second be without a full stock of vitamins and meds, housing secured for the following year, and the fear of god in them for not getting strong grades.

I applaud OP because I think she is doing many things that will foster independence in her children. I can certainly learn from her.

A full stock of vitamins for a college student? What does that even mean?

This is confusing for you? A big bottle of multivitamins, and another zinc. I may include refills in care packages. Stocked also means medicines for common ailments like benadryl, advil, Pepto-Bismol, NyQuil, Tums, etc.... Did that help?

My kid's college is in a very rural area with no Whole Foods, etc., nearby, so I sent her to college with a semester's worth of vitamins and natural toiletries. I wanted to make sure she had enough so she didn't have to go out to WalMart to get stuff. She was very happy I did this. She never ran out of toothpaste, etc.

I’m not really bothered by most of this thread but this post really rubs me the wrong way.

I bet there are parents driving 6 hours to Ithaca to refill zinc and replenish the organic toothpaste.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some of the people crying helicopter don't have kids.

Also, agree with the poster who said the novelty wears off of being so independent. In fact, I've seen time and time again where students with those 'hands off' parents end up relying on their friends' parents for advice and support and help. If you're proud to be that parent that's MIA while your kid bonds with/relies on another adult your age, good for you....I question your values and mental health.

Why can't you understand that there's middle ground? You can raise independent kids with love and compassion, without going MIA. It's not one or the other.

A lot of trolls on this (and all DCUM) thread.

My 25 year old still calls and asks me for advice when things get rough. I helped her rewrite her resume, and helped her find a new job. I'd help a friend too. You love your kids and want to help them out when they need it. I'd call my 25 year old very independent, yet when she needs something I can provide, she asks for it, and she gets it. Not $$ BTW, just love and advice and support.

Ditto to bolded and everything else. For some reason this thread brought all the judgmental crazies out. It’s really unfortunate because I’m sure a lot of parents and college bound kids could have benefited from more advice less judgmental bickering.

Why aren’t you holier than thou posters posting on the roommate thread? Not a single person has commented that the mom shouldn’t even worrying about whether the kid gets a roommate or not. Curious.

The OP's crazy, over the top tone, honestly. It's her excitement about what should really be her kids' lives at this point I think that gets people roiled up. So much living vicariously through children, which is not healthy for anybody.

As someone said earlier in this thread, one could argue that ANY parent on this board is too involved in “what should really be her kids’ lives at this point”. How about you get off the board and this thread and go to all those wonderful things a non-helicopter parent should be doing? otherwise pot meet kettle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some of the people crying helicopter don't have kids.

Also, agree with the poster who said the novelty wears off of being so independent. In fact, I've seen time and time again where students with those 'hands off' parents end up relying on their friends' parents for advice and support and help. If you're proud to be that parent that's MIA while your kid bonds with/relies on another adult your age, good for you....I question your values and mental health.

Why can't you understand that there's middle ground? You can raise independent kids with love and compassion, without going MIA. It's not one or the other.

A lot of trolls on this (and all DCUM) thread.

My 25 year old still calls and asks me for advice when things get rough. I helped her rewrite her resume, and helped her find a new job. I'd help a friend too. You love your kids and want to help them out when they need it. I'd call my 25 year old very independent, yet when she needs something I can provide, she asks for it, and she gets it. Not $$ BTW, just love and advice and support.

Ditto to bolded and everything else. For some reason this thread brought all the judgmental crazies out. It’s really unfortunate because I’m sure a lot of parents and college bound kids could have benefited from more advice less judgmental bickering.

Why aren’t you holier than thou posters posting on the roommate thread? Not a single person has commented that the mom shouldn’t even worrying about whether the kid gets a roommate or not. Curious.

The OP's crazy, over the top tone, honestly. It's her excitement about what should really be her kids' lives at this point I think that gets people roiled up. So much living vicariously through children, which is not healthy for anybody.

As someone said earlier in this thread, one could argue that ANY parent on this board is too involved in “what should really be her kids’ lives at this point”. How about you get off the board and this thread and go to all those wonderful things a non-helicopter parent should be doing? otherwise pot meet kettle.

This times a million.

And this is how you know it's all trolls saying this stuff. I said upthread that I'm sure they mostly don't have kids and I stand by that.

[Anonymous]

Since the advent of social media, exacerbated by the pandemic, college suicides and mental health issues among college students have become a crisis. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with giving occasional guidance/help to your child. Teens don’t have the cognitive wherewithal to be left completely on their own volition. The fact of the matter is that their brains are not yet fully developed especially the frontal lobe that deals with executive function (moral judgements) until their mid 20’s. It’s like forcing a child to walk when they’re not physiologically ready yet.

[Anonymous]

Our daughter’s freshman year was last year. We sent the world’s best first aid kit and a COVID bug out bag in case she got sick and moved to the isolation dorm. Thankfully, neither she nor her roommate got sick and both got vaccinated as soon as they could. Encourage them to use the resources at their school. They have a free gym membership. Ours has a lake with free kayaks and canoes and camping trips. There are career counselors and festivals, etc. There was free outdoor ice skating during Covid last year - our daughter and her roommate went several times. Her school requires on campus living the first 2 years so we didn’t have to worry about off campus housing right away. She is living off campus next year and will be able to stay in the house for two years if this year works out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think some of the people crying helicopter don't have kids.

Also, agree with the poster who said the novelty wears off of being so independent. In fact, I've seen time and time again where students with those 'hands off' parents end up relying on their friends' parents for advice and support and help. If you're proud to be that parent that's MIA while your kid bonds with/relies on another adult your age, good for you....I question your values and mental health.

+1. Without a doubt DCUM is full of spinster trolls, many estranged from their family after moving to the DMV from flyover country. They seethe with envy and rage for happy wholesome families who communicate frequently.