Dating for 4 months and he said "not ready" for relationship- I walked away, now what?

[Anonymous]

Anyone who crowd-sources relationship advice from complete strangers is an idiot. That’s you, OP. What did you think that you would find here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Update- we had coffee this afternoon.

He started off by saying that he was taken off guard by our conversation about the relationship, and wanted to know "what happened". He also said he wasn't clear on what exactly I wanted. I was surprised because I thought I was very clear and pleasant about it, but I said I know he has been a boyfriend before; did he only ever text his girlfriend? Did he only ever make plans 2-3 days in advance and nothing in the future? I said I wasn't comfortable continuing in this "situationship" indefinitely and wanted the structure of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship at this point in order to focus on one person and allow the connection to deepen.

The whole time he was acting like he was clueless (how is that possible?), and was giving off a vibe that he would reluctantly agree (which wasn't appealing). I said I wanted someone who was 100pct in with me, and he said he was "80 percent" there. I said I've shared my heart, mind- he knows me at this point. He said "80 percent is pretty close to 100 percent."

I said I didn't really have anything else to say and wished him well, and left. It hurts...but at least I have the clarity I need now.

Honestly, he probably wouldn't have made a great boyfriend anyway.

Agree.

Unable to make plans if more than 3-4 days out is very odd or very dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds lame and immature. He didn’t think about your position, he did not offer anything new, he just wanted you to walk back from your position. Not life partner material! Keep it moving! Better to keep looking than to settle into something mediocre.

+1

He wasted her time this afternoon.

I would have been laughing at his mtg to “better understand my point.” Where all I did was then repeat myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who crowd-sources relationship advice from complete strangers is an idiot. That’s you, OP. What did you think that you would find here?

Why are you so angry at OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who crowd-sources relationship advice from complete strangers is an idiot. That’s you, OP. What did you think that you would find here?

Why are you so angry at OP?

Maybe this is the guy.

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for the coffee shop. He must be bad for business

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you've already made a stain on this relationship. If I were him, I'd move on. I'm 39 years old and divorced. I don't commit after 4 months. I got out of an abusive marriage and realized I was dating the wrong people my whole life. I take things slow. Last year, I met someone recently divorced, but wanted an exclusive relationship right off the bat. I said that I wasn't willing to commit that quickly. That it's not a smart idea.

Four months is still brand new. At that stage, I would walk away from anyone who pressured me to commit. Even if we decided to stay together after the stunt you pulled, I'd date around until I found a better partner. You put out such a huge red flag. That you're unwilling to compromise and talk out major differences -- especially when it sounds like he would have come around quickly anyway. You're not great long term material for me.

You are doing what works for you and that’s great. But that doesn’t mean it’s the same for everyone. OP needs to do what works for her. Many posters on here think the OP is too invested in ‘labels’. I for one disagree. If it’s a relationship, you would commit to calling it a relationship. If he’s not, then he’s not thinking of it as one. Words and Actions need to align in relationships.

[Anonymous]

He doesn’t want to be alone around Christmas. That is all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:80% there. You were exclusive so acting like you were in a committed relationship should have been happening anyway. You weren't asking for marriage you were asking for phone calls.

You did the right thing, this guy was flaky. Move on. Ignore if he contacts you again. I think he probably will. I simply wouldn't trust him, something is off with him.

YES! After 4 months of dating, my now husband and I were talking on the phone often because we actually liked hearing about the other person’s day or problems or funny stories. We liked each other and really didn’t want to not talk to each other.

Good for you, OP, to know what you deserve and what is possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you've already made a stain on this relationship. If I were him, I'd move on. I'm 39 years old and divorced. I don't commit after 4 months. I got out of an abusive marriage and realized I was dating the wrong people my whole life. I take things slow. Last year, I met someone recently divorced, but wanted an exclusive relationship right off the bat. I said that I wasn't willing to commit that quickly. That it's not a smart idea.

Four months is still brand new. At that stage, I would walk away from anyone who pressured me to commit. Even if we decided to stay together after the stunt you pulled, I'd date around until I found a better partner. You put out such a huge red flag. That you're unwilling to compromise and talk out major differences -- especially when it sounds like he would have come around quickly anyway. You're not great long term material for me.

You are doing what works for you and that’s great. But that doesn’t mean it’s the same for everyone. OP needs to do what works for her. Many posters on here think the OP is too invested in ‘labels’. I for one disagree. If it’s a relationship, you would commit to calling it a relationship. If he’s not, then he’s not thinking of it as one. Words and Actions need to align in relationships.

Agree with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:80% there. You were exclusive so acting like you were in a committed relationship should have been happening anyway. You weren't asking for marriage you were asking for phone calls.

You did the right thing, this guy was flaky. Move on. Ignore if he contacts you again. I think he probably will. I simply wouldn't trust him, something is off with him.

YES! After 4 months of dating, my now husband and I were talking on the phone often because we actually liked hearing about the other person’s day or problems or funny stories. We liked each other and really didn’t want to not talk to each other.

Good for you, OP, to know what you deserve and what is possible.

So many guys nowadays only text and say they are not "phone guys", which is fine, but at some point further along it becomes a bit ridiculous to never pick up the phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep walking away....he's just not that into you.

+1. Sleeping with someone when they are sleeping around is gross and puts you at risk.

[Anonymous]

OP, you started out saying the relationship was "amazing" which is why so many posters responded negatively telling you to give it time and just chill. But your follow ups reveal that it is not amazing for you--he doesn't call you, only texts you in response, doesn't make plans in advance and, most importantly, doesn't want to move at the speed and level of intimacy that you want. There is nothing wrong with how he is operating, but nothing wrong with what you want either. People telling you to give it time are not in your relationship and may prefer something light hearted and more casual or at least slower. All that being said, I think that he is confused because he believes, on the surface, he is doing all the 'boyfriend' things and the relationship is, to him, what you both agreed upon. You see each other 2/3 times a week and are exclusive and do things besides have sex. It us possible that he is emotionally more shut down/cautious but doesn't recognize what it is you want/need, which is deeper intimacy--and that in and of itself a sign of emotional incompatibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you started out saying the relationship was "amazing" which is why so many posters responded negatively telling you to give it time and just chill. But your follow ups reveal that it is not amazing for you--he doesn't call you, only texts you in response, doesn't make plans in advance and, most importantly, doesn't want to move at the speed and level of intimacy that you want. There is nothing wrong with how he is operating, but nothing wrong with what you want either. People telling you to give it time are not in your relationship and may prefer something light hearted and more casual or at least slower. All that being said, I think that he is confused because he believes, on the surface, he is doing all the 'boyfriend' things and the relationship is, to him, what you both agreed upon. You see each other 2/3 times a week and are exclusive and do things besides have sex. It us possible that he is emotionally more shut down/cautious but doesn't recognize what it is you want/need, which is deeper intimacy--and that in and of itself a sign of emotional incompatibility.

Very good post PP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you started out saying the relationship was "amazing" which is why so many posters responded negatively telling you to give it time and just chill. But your follow ups reveal that it is not amazing for you--he doesn't call you, only texts you in response, doesn't make plans in advance and, most importantly, doesn't want to move at the speed and level of intimacy that you want. There is nothing wrong with how he is operating, but nothing wrong with what you want either. People telling you to give it time are not in your relationship and may prefer something light hearted and more casual or at least slower. All that being said, I think that he is confused because he believes, on the surface, he is doing all the 'boyfriend' things and the relationship is, to him, what you both agreed upon. You see each other 2/3 times a week and are exclusive and do things besides have sex. It us possible that he is emotionally more shut down/cautious but doesn't recognize what it is you want/need, which is deeper intimacy--and that in and of itself a sign of emotional incompatibility.

OP: I see what you are saying. I meant that when we are together, it’s amazing- great conversation, lots of laughs, chemistry. If I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he does take things much slower, but you’re right that we’re probably emotionally incompatible.