Making SAHM get job to pay for private school

[Anonymous]

2 kid in private school is $60k gross so you’d need her to make an additional $120k ++ to fund the tuition and donations and pay half to taxes and withholding. And it’d have to increase 8% gross per year to match the 4-5% gross tuition increase a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:2 kid in private school is $60k gross so you’d need her to make an additional $120k ++ to fund the tuition and donations and pay half to taxes and withholding. And it’d have to increase 8% gross per year to match the 4-5% gross tuition increase a year.

Sounds like she better learn to code or accept public school...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can I force this issue or am I in the wrong? I am sole breadwinner, make about 500k so money isn't an issue but wife wants our 2 kids to go to private school for middle and high school. The school is about 30k per year. That's about $700k I'm pre tax money and not counting college.

I went to public school my whole life, including a good state school so my tuition from kindergarten through end of grad school was about the cost of one year of this middle school, combined. I think private school is a waste, unless you are in a bad school district or your kid has unique needs.

Leaving aside I could retire several years earlier if we sent the kids to the good, local public school, I feel my wife has lost the sense of what a dollar is. She isn't a spendthrift on other areas. I feel like if this is so important, then she can work with basically every penny she earns going to pay tuition.

How do I raise this without blowing things up?[/quote

You need to do a)comparative analysis on public bs private school, b) a calculation of cost value analysis of your wife’s potential income and its implications on tax, expenses, your career, children’s upbringing and household ,c) you need to attend couple’s therapy to learn to communicate and negotiate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as is usual with interpersonal conflict, you will do a lot better for yourself if you can step back and try to see things from the other person's point of view.

It's really, really easy to say "oh your kids are in school, just go get a job." I thought this until the time came for me to "just go get a job." But after such a big mommy gap, I was looking at basically starting over in my career making 60K. And then because I would still be the primary parent it would be up to me to figure out childcare, transporting kids to sports events, etc. I couldn't anticipate any help at all from DH, and I cringed while imagining building a career from scratch (with my credentials) while still taking care of all the parenting.

I know this is done, and hats off to those who do it, but for us it just wasn't worth the stress. Luckily my husband is very supportive.

I will go back to work when DH takes a less time-consuming job and can get the kids off to school in the morning, or make dinner, or take some time off to get a kid to an orthodontist appointment. He does well in his career because that's all he really has to think about, and I want something close to that before I restart mine.

Also I used to be a die-hard "public schools are completely fine" until I saw what was happening thanks to quarantine. A "good" school means nothing except enough rich kids go there to keep test scores up. Public school curriculum in elementary typically based on theoretical educational theories that have absolutely no research to back them up. It's absurd. I do think my kids will be fine (they're in public) but if I saw them struggling at all I would see if I could go private for sure. Not so they could make a bunch of money when they grow up, but just so they could have a good childhood.

This is ridiculous. Sorry, how do you think two working parents do it? Wait to start my career until that’s all I think of… ha! Ha! Ha!

Well, I do think most working parents started careers before they had kids. And if one parent is working a ton, the other doesn’t usually start a new career at that point. Like I said, I know it’s done, but that kind of intensity just isn’t for me.

We get it, you’re lazy.

Most private schools have after care until whenever you want, kids hanging out with their friends gardening and doing archery or what not. You don’t have to pick them up, and you can hire a college student to drive them if you want. I happen to be flexible and like so many people WAH now due to COVID so my partner and I do it ourselves. The idea that the kids need you is just an excuse because you don’t want to work or have a career. Kids after the age of 5 are not that difficult to juggle, and so many people do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think its a great idea for your wife to go back to work. Clearly you are not a particularly nice person and would probably leave her high and dry in a divorce and she needs a back up plan.

With that said, if she goes back to work, she will have little to no leave. Are you prepared to do all the doctor/dental appointments? Are you prepared to take of for half days and teacher work days? Are you prepared to make child care arrangements for summers, spring break and winter break. Are you prepared to take off at a moments notice to pick up your sick chid from school? Are you prepared to be at home 10-14 days if they get covid? Are you prepared to be home early to drive you kids to every activity? No including, the cooking, cleaning and other household duties. And, how much do you think it would cost to hire a full-time nanny?

You make a fortune. I don't get it.

If we made what you did there is no question our kids would be in private. The publics are a hot mess right now.

Does anybody read?? Ops kids are entering teenage years. What is wrong with y’all!!

Everything Pp wrote applies to teenagers. You think an 11 year old can drive themselves to activities, drive home when sick, and cook their own dinner?

Wtf are you talking about??

Another woman who just does not want to work.

Newsflash most families have two working parents who get all of those things you mentioned done for their children. The binary thinking from some of you is sad af.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I agree the word "make" her get a job is poor choice of language.

Some good advice here and to answer some questions: she has a good degree fromm an expensive private school (as do most of her friends who are SAH mom's) so she could go back to what she was doing before SAH and probably make 75-100k full time which after taxes would basically just lay for school.

The reason I mention that is because I wonder if she would still think private is worth it if she literally had to endure a year of all the nonsense they work brings just for the joy of saying out kids are in private school.

As others have pointed out, it's just as much about that I see private school as pointless. In fact, I probably have a bit of a chip about it since I started at my company with a dozen others, almost all of them from Ivy or southern Ivy (Duke, Candy) and I surpassed all of them. Most aren't even in the field anymore. Point being, where you go to college doesn't matter as much as people think unless you are in a super rare field that needs a pedigree (like a Supreme Court lawyer). Where you go to high school matters less and middle school?

If this was a cheap expense, then it wouldn't be a hill to die on but it's an enormous expense. Can I afford it? For sure. Does it mean I will work at least 3 more years over this, for sure.

I suppose it just comes down to a philosophical difference as to whether private is an actual benefit vs a country club status thing.

Advice on a productive conversation? Am I allowed to anonymously sneer that my wife's very expensive private school pedigree didn't exactly lead to a good ROI?

Op, I went to both public and private. I’m now watching my step kids go to one of the best public high schools in suburban DC. I really wish their parents could afford private high school. It kills me to know what they’re missing out on. You don’t know what private school kids get in comparison to what you got. Smaller classes, better writing instruction, nice teachers, bathrooms and cafeterias that can actually use rather than fear. There are so many administration snafus that wind up screwing the kids over.

You don’t see the value in a private school education. It’s not just a status symbol if it’s a good school. It confers a lot of benefits to your kids that are lifelong.

This is because of the ridiculous state of public schools. I grew up in a place where there were excellent public schools. Class size the same as my kids’ privates, teachers the same or better. Excellent facilities. Classmates went to Ivies, as did I — ran circles around private school kids. Public schools are underfunded and it’s an absolute travesty that in such an excellent nation we can’t figure out how to invest in our human capital and lift all boats.

Not directed at you PP but just wanted to use your comment to point out that without private schools public schools would be a thousand times worse. Paying for a public school doesn’t exempt you from paying taxes that benefit public schools. Think about what would happen and if all of the privates shut down tomorrow.

All the political influence that private school parents have would go toward making public schools better?

Maybe in a few decades. Education in US is a broken system (actually 10 of thousands of broken semi independent systems). That isn’t going to be fixed in the 12-14 years that the parents could change it, would care to change it.

[Anonymous]

I find it interesting how many responses there are putting down her role as a SAHM and acting as though she isn’t doing anything. I’m not surprised because there is post after post on here about men who don’t do their share at home.

There seems to be an expectation that women work outside of the home AND do everything a SAHM does. Kids need to have season and size appropriate clothing, vacations booked, childcare arranged, Christmas presents under the tree, holiday meals planned, dinner every night, lunches packed etc. Perhaps the man will help if asked or given specific instructions.

Any single women or women considering children need to be aware of this expectation. It’s truly a bad deal for most women to have children. It results in so much resentment and unhappiness. You’ve been warned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think its a great idea for your wife to go back to work. Clearly you are not a particularly nice person and would probably leave her high and dry in a divorce and she needs a back up plan.

With that said, if she goes back to work, she will have little to no leave. Are you prepared to do all the doctor/dental appointments? Are you prepared to take of for half days and teacher work days? Are you prepared to make child care arrangements for summers, spring break and winter break. Are you prepared to take off at a moments notice to pick up your sick chid from school? Are you prepared to be at home 10-14 days if they get covid? Are you prepared to be home early to drive you kids to every activity? No including, the cooking, cleaning and other household duties. And, how much do you think it would cost to hire a full-time nanny?

You make a fortune. I don't get it.

If we made what you did there is no question our kids would be in private. The publics are a hot mess right now.

Does anybody read?? Ops kids are entering teenage years. What is wrong with y’all!!

Everything Pp wrote applies to teenagers. You think an 11 year old can drive themselves to activities, drive home when sick, and cook their own dinner?

Wtf are you talking about??

Another woman who just does not want to work.

Newsflash most families have two working parents who get all of those things you mentioned done for their children. The binary thinking from some of you is sad af.

Right. It gets done because the woman manages it. Most women have two jobs - outside of the home and running the household.

[Anonymous]

Regardless of anything, it is pretty crappy of OPs wife to demand three extra years of OPs labor for something that is unquestionably a luxury. That's horrific.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Regardless of anything, it is pretty crappy of OPs wife to demand three extra years of OPs labor for something that is unquestionably a luxury. That's horrific.

This. She doesn't value his labor at all. Team OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think its a great idea for your wife to go back to work. Clearly you are not a particularly nice person and would probably leave her high and dry in a divorce and she needs a back up plan.

With that said, if she goes back to work, she will have little to no leave. Are you prepared to do all the doctor/dental appointments? Are you prepared to take of for half days and teacher work days? Are you prepared to make child care arrangements for summers, spring break and winter break. Are you prepared to take off at a moments notice to pick up your sick chid from school? Are you prepared to be at home 10-14 days if they get covid? Are you prepared to be home early to drive you kids to every activity? No including, the cooking, cleaning and other household duties. And, how much do you think it would cost to hire a full-time nanny?

You make a fortune. I don't get it.

If we made what you did there is no question our kids would be in private. The publics are a hot mess right now.

Does anybody read?? Ops kids are entering teenage years. What is wrong with y’all!!

Everything Pp wrote applies to teenagers. You think an 11 year old can drive themselves to activities, drive home when sick, and cook their own dinner?

Wtf are you talking about??

Another woman who just does not want to work.

Newsflash most families have two working parents who get all of those things you mentioned done for their children. The binary thinking from some of you is sad af.

Right. It gets done because the woman manages it. Most women have two jobs - outside of the home and running the household.

Right. Totally agree. OP should do what is best for his children, they can afford it. Her getting a job or not shouldn't be a variable in whether to said the kids to private. If she wants to get a job, great. If she feels she is busy enough at home and is contributing benefit to the family in staying home, then continue that. This idea that if you don't work for a paycheck (that isn't needed), that somehow makes you lazy. There is plenty benefit to have one parent home, always available, and managing all things to do with house, kids, meals, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think its a great idea for your wife to go back to work. Clearly you are not a particularly nice person and would probably leave her high and dry in a divorce and she needs a back up plan.

With that said, if she goes back to work, she will have little to no leave. Are you prepared to do all the doctor/dental appointments? Are you prepared to take of for half days and teacher work days? Are you prepared to make child care arrangements for summers, spring break and winter break. Are you prepared to take off at a moments notice to pick up your sick chid from school? Are you prepared to be at home 10-14 days if they get covid? Are you prepared to be home early to drive you kids to every activity? No including, the cooking, cleaning and other household duties. And, how much do you think it would cost to hire a full-time nanny?

You make a fortune. I don't get it.

If we made what you did there is no question our kids would be in private. The publics are a hot mess right now.

Does anybody read?? Ops kids are entering teenage years. What is wrong with y’all!!

Everything Pp wrote applies to teenagers. You think an 11 year old can drive themselves to activities, drive home when sick, and cook their own dinner?

Wtf are you talking about??

Another woman who just does not want to work.

Newsflash most families have two working parents who get all of those things you mentioned done for their children. The binary thinking from some of you is sad af.

Right. It gets done because the woman manages it. Most women have two jobs - outside of the home and running the household.

Right. Totally agree. OP should do what is best for his children, they can afford it. Her getting a job or not shouldn't be a variable in whether to said the kids to private. If she wants to get a job, great. If she feels she is busy enough at home and is contributing benefit to the family in staying home, then continue that. This idea that if you don't work for a paycheck (that isn't needed), that somehow makes you lazy. There is plenty benefit to have one parent home, always available, and managing all things to do with house, kids, meals, etc.

That's fine, but then you shouldn't expect to have a controlling say on expensive luxuries like this. Input, maybe, but that's about it. Don't whine if you don't get your way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think its a great idea for your wife to go back to work. Clearly you are not a particularly nice person and would probably leave her high and dry in a divorce and she needs a back up plan.

With that said, if she goes back to work, she will have little to no leave. Are you prepared to do all the doctor/dental appointments? Are you prepared to take of for half days and teacher work days? Are you prepared to make child care arrangements for summers, spring break and winter break. Are you prepared to take off at a moments notice to pick up your sick chid from school? Are you prepared to be at home 10-14 days if they get covid? Are you prepared to be home early to drive you kids to every activity? No including, the cooking, cleaning and other household duties. And, how much do you think it would cost to hire a full-time nanny?

You make a fortune. I don't get it.

If we made what you did there is no question our kids would be in private. The publics are a hot mess right now.

Does anybody read?? Ops kids are entering teenage years. What is wrong with y’all!!

Everything Pp wrote applies to teenagers. You think an 11 year old can drive themselves to activities, drive home when sick, and cook their own dinner?

Wtf are you talking about??

Another woman who just does not want to work.

Newsflash most families have two working parents who get all of those things you mentioned done for their children. The binary thinking from some of you is sad af.

Right. It gets done because the woman manages it. Most women have two jobs - outside of the home and running the household.

Right. Totally agree. OP should do what is best for his children, they can afford it. Her getting a job or not shouldn't be a variable in whether to said the kids to private. If she wants to get a job, great. If she feels she is busy enough at home and is contributing benefit to the family in staying home, then continue that. This idea that if you don't work for a paycheck (that isn't needed), that somehow makes you lazy. There is plenty benefit to have one parent home, always available, and managing all things to do with house, kids, meals, etc.

Private school is a luxury, and not necessarily what is best for the children. OP may be correct that private school is not best for his kids. And I say that as someone with kids in private school.

OPs wife demanding a luxury good that requires three more years of OPs work is unconscionable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think its a great idea for your wife to go back to work. Clearly you are not a particularly nice person and would probably leave her high and dry in a divorce and she needs a back up plan.

With that said, if she goes back to work, she will have little to no leave. Are you prepared to do all the doctor/dental appointments? Are you prepared to take of for half days and teacher work days? Are you prepared to make child care arrangements for summers, spring break and winter break. Are you prepared to take off at a moments notice to pick up your sick chid from school? Are you prepared to be at home 10-14 days if they get covid? Are you prepared to be home early to drive you kids to every activity? No including, the cooking, cleaning and other household duties. And, how much do you think it would cost to hire a full-time nanny?

You make a fortune. I don't get it.

If we made what you did there is no question our kids would be in private. The publics are a hot mess right now.

Does anybody read?? Ops kids are entering teenage years. What is wrong with y’all!!

Everything Pp wrote applies to teenagers. You think an 11 year old can drive themselves to activities, drive home when sick, and cook their own dinner?

Wtf are you talking about??

Another woman who just does not want to work.

Newsflash most families have two working parents who get all of those things you mentioned done for their children. The binary thinking from some of you is sad af.

I am a woman who works. I even out-earn my H.

You're not understanding the point. The point is not that OP's wife shouldn't work. The point is that OP needs to consider how her working will impact his life, lifestyle. and career, and decide if those trade-offs are worth it to him. He will have to make sacrifices in his job, his personal life, hobbies, etc. He won't get to come home and unwind after work, he'll have to pitch in. He'll have to take days off work for sick kids. He'll have to make sure he leaves the office by a certain time to get his kids to their activities. He can say good-bye to any hobbies he has, won't be able to participate in them much anymore.

It's delusional for OP to think his wife will work AND continue all of the SAHM duties, and equally delusional to think children in middle school require little to no care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regardless of anything, it is pretty crappy of OPs wife to demand three extra years of OPs labor for something that is unquestionably a luxury. That's horrific.

This. She doesn't value his labor at all. Team OP.

I honestly can't imagine demanding my spouse work for three more years for a luxury good. That seems so incredibly selfish to me.