Making SAHM get job to pay for private school

[Anonymous]

How can I force this issue or am I in the wrong? I am sole breadwinner, make about 500k so money isn't an issue but wife wants our 2 kids to go to private school for middle and high school. The school is about 30k per year. That's about $700k I'm pre tax money and not counting college.

I went to public school my whole life, including a good state school so my tuition from kindergarten through end of grad school was about the cost of one year of this middle school, combined. I think private school is a waste, unless you are in a bad school district or your kid has unique needs.

Leaving aside I could retire several years earlier if we sent the kids to the good, local public school, I feel my wife has lost the sense of what a dollar is. She isn't a spendthrift on other areas. I feel like if this is so important, then she can work with basically every penny she earns going to pay tuition.

How do I raise this without blowing things up?

[Anonymous]

What are her specific reasons for wanting to send them to private if the public is solid?

[Anonymous]

You must have some budget assumptions upon which you are saying that to afford $60K/yr of tuition you need a HHI of $700K. Do you and your DW agree on your annual budget? Or does your DW think that there's somewhere in your current spending that you can cut back?

There are plenty of people who pay for private school and college with a HHI of $500K, so it's not a matter literally not having enough money...it's a matter of priorities. You and your DW probably aren't aligned on other areas of spending either...and that's what you need to address instead of jumping to, "You need to find a job in order to educate our kids the way you think makes sense."

Also, you should try to understand her reasons for wanting private over public. They might be good ones. Your personal experience doesn't apply, even if you live in the same school district you grew up in since kids are different and schools change.

FWIW, I went to private growing up and DH went to only publics. When we were first thinking about schools, he had the attitude that "public was good enough for me, so it's fine". We both did a lot of research, and we ended up exploring both publics and privates. Our kids ended up in public for now, but we may reconsider. Importantly, though, we are having discussions about these things on the merits of the decisions for our kids...not on just wanting our kids to have the same experiences we did.

[Anonymous]

What are her reasons for wanting private school?

I think it is a super odd decision to give up having a SAH spouse, who presumably has made your career possible and kept the home running, over taking a stand about $30k which is not material for your household.

The real conversation is about public vs. private and what is best for your kids and family - including when you retire. Solve that question - this isn't about needing her to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You must have some budget assumptions upon which you are saying that to afford $60K/yr of tuition you need a HHI of $700K. Do you and your DW agree on your annual budget? Or does your DW think that there's somewhere in your current spending that you can cut back?

There are plenty of people who pay for private school and college with a HHI of $500K, so it's not a matter literally not having enough money...it's a matter of priorities. You and your DW probably aren't aligned on other areas of spending either...and that's what you need to address instead of jumping to, "You need to find a job in order to educate our kids the way you think makes sense."

Also, you should try to understand her reasons for wanting private over public. They might be good ones. Your personal experience doesn't apply, even if you live in the same school district you grew up in since kids are different and schools change.

FWIW, I went to private growing up and DH went to only publics. When we were first thinking about schools, he had the attitude that "public was good enough for me, so it's fine". We both did a lot of research, and we ended up exploring both publics and privates. Our kids ended up in public for now, but we may reconsider. Importantly, though, we are having discussions about these things on the merits of the decisions for our kids...not on just wanting our kids to have the same experiences we did.

That’s not what OP is saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You must have some budget assumptions upon which you are saying that to afford $60K/yr of tuition you need a HHI of $700K. Do you and your DW agree on your annual budget? Or does your DW think that there's somewhere in your current spending that you can cut back?

There are plenty of people who pay for private school and college with a HHI of $500K, so it's not a matter literally not having enough money...it's a matter of priorities. You and your DW probably aren't aligned on other areas of spending either...and that's what you need to address instead of jumping to, "You need to find a job in order to educate our kids the way you think makes sense."

Also, you should try to understand her reasons for wanting private over public. They might be good ones. Your personal experience doesn't apply, even if you live in the same school district you grew up in since kids are different and schools change.

FWIW, I went to private growing up and DH went to only publics. When we were first thinking about schools, he had the attitude that "public was good enough for me, so it's fine". We both did a lot of research, and we ended up exploring both publics and privates. Our kids ended up in public for now, but we may reconsider. Importantly, though, we are having discussions about these things on the merits of the decisions for our kids...not on just wanting our kids to have the same experiences we did.

That’s not what OP is saying.

Agree, but OP's math also doesn't add up. $30k * 2 kids * 7 years each = $420k total. That's not "several extra years of work" with a $500k/year salary.

[Anonymous]

I do think it is a little ridiculous to both not work and insist on private school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You must have some budget assumptions upon which you are saying that to afford $60K/yr of tuition you need a HHI of $700K. Do you and your DW agree on your annual budget? Or does your DW think that there's somewhere in your current spending that you can cut back?

There are plenty of people who pay for private school and college with a HHI of $500K, so it's not a matter literally not having enough money...it's a matter of priorities. You and your DW probably aren't aligned on other areas of spending either...and that's what you need to address instead of jumping to, "You need to find a job in order to educate our kids the way you think makes sense."

Also, you should try to understand her reasons for wanting private over public. They might be good ones. Your personal experience doesn't apply, even if you live in the same school district you grew up in since kids are different and schools change.

FWIW, I went to private growing up and DH went to only publics. When we were first thinking about schools, he had the attitude that "public was good enough for me, so it's fine". We both did a lot of research, and we ended up exploring both publics and privates. Our kids ended up in public for now, but we may reconsider. Importantly, though, we are having discussions about these things on the merits of the decisions for our kids...not on just wanting our kids to have the same experiences we did.

That’s not what OP is saying.

Agree, but OP's math also doesn't add up. $30k * 2 kids * 7 years each = $420k total. That's not "several extra years of work" with a $500k/year salary.

It's not just paying for tuition it's all the other expenses that go along with private school.

[Anonymous]

The loss in retirement savings also comes from losing what would have been investment gains from amounts paid in tuition over the course of a number of years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You must have some budget assumptions upon which you are saying that to afford $60K/yr of tuition you need a HHI of $700K. Do you and your DW agree on your annual budget? Or does your DW think that there's somewhere in your current spending that you can cut back?

There are plenty of people who pay for private school and college with a HHI of $500K, so it's not a matter literally not having enough money...it's a matter of priorities. You and your DW probably aren't aligned on other areas of spending either...and that's what you need to address instead of jumping to, "You need to find a job in order to educate our kids the way you think makes sense."

Also, you should try to understand her reasons for wanting private over public. They might be good ones. Your personal experience doesn't apply, even if you live in the same school district you grew up in since kids are different and schools change.

FWIW, I went to private growing up and DH went to only publics. When we were first thinking about schools, he had the attitude that "public was good enough for me, so it's fine". We both did a lot of research, and we ended up exploring both publics and privates. Our kids ended up in public for now, but we may reconsider. Importantly, though, we are having discussions about these things on the merits of the decisions for our kids...not on just wanting our kids to have the same experiences we did.

That’s not what OP is saying.

Either way...there's a fundamental disagreement between them about how they should spend money. OP also seems to have an implicit preference for retiring early. Is the DW on board with these things? Or is the OP simply unwilling to spend this money and even to hear why his DW thinks it's important?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can I force this issue or am I in the wrong? I am sole breadwinner, make about 500k so money isn't an issue but wife wants our 2 kids to go to private school for middle and high school. The school is about 30k per year. That's about $700k I'm pre tax money and not counting college.

I went to public school my whole life, including a good state school so my tuition from kindergarten through end of grad school was about the cost of one year of this middle school, combined. I think private school is a waste, unless you are in a bad school district or your kid has unique needs.

Leaving aside I could retire several years earlier if we sent the kids to the good, local public school, I feel my wife has lost the sense of what a dollar is. She isn't a spendthrift on other areas. I feel like if this is so important, then she can work with basically every penny she earns going to pay tuition.

How do I raise this without blowing things up?

Um, this is so one time at band camp, in the 80s or 90s. .

It's 2021. A whole lot has changed! Kids can't just waltz out of public school into good colleges with lots of safeties anymore. Kids are getting into NO college. Public schools have changed too. And you earn enough to pay for private. Private high school is maybe 3,000/month. There is a sibling discount. That's roughly the same cost as daycare for middle class folk, or cost of nanny. Just stop spending cash on stupid toys and cars or whatever, and redirect those funds toward your kids future.

[Anonymous]

Just tell her. My DH has taken the same position. He went to public and I went to private. We both turned out fine. If she wants them to go private, she can get a job to pay for it. This is what my mom did, but she always reminds us of it. Don’t let you wife be that person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How can I force this issue or am I in the wrong? I am sole breadwinner, make about 500k so money isn't an issue but wife wants our 2 kids to go to private school for middle and high school. The school is about 30k per year. That's about $700k I'm pre tax money and not counting college.

I went to public school my whole life, including a good state school so my tuition from kindergarten through end of grad school was about the cost of one year of this middle school, combined. I think private school is a waste, unless you are in a bad school district or your kid has unique needs.

Leaving aside I could retire several years earlier if we sent the kids to the good, local public school, I feel my wife has lost the sense of what a dollar is. She isn't a spendthrift on other areas. I feel like if this is so important, then she can work with basically every penny she earns going to pay tuition.

How do I raise this without blowing things up?

Um, this is so one time at band camp, in the 80s or 90s. .

It's 2021. A whole lot has changed! Kids can't just waltz out of public school into good colleges with lots of safeties anymore. Kids are getting into NO college. Public schools have changed too. And you earn enough to pay for private. Private high school is maybe 3,000/month. There is a sibling discount. That's roughly the same cost as daycare for middle class folk, or cost of nanny. Just stop spending cash on stupid toys and cars or whatever, and redirect those funds toward your kids future.

$3000 per month per kid, and it only goes up. If op lives in a good school district, they don’t need private school.

[Anonymous]

I went to public elementary and then a very good private for junior and high. My siblings went to public through junior high and a good private to high school.

I actually think that a very good private high school can be very beneficial, particularly wrt teaching writing skills. My siblings and I all have kids in various iterations of public and private. The one thing I think even very good public schools are not teaching very well these days is writing.

You could compromise and send them to public junior high school and private high school. The two downsides to this are a) it’s harder to get in for high school and b) they might get bad grades ninth grade as they adjust academically.

I switched at seventh. I had a lot of friends in public for junior high and I didn’t think my academic experience was that much better than theirs. I did see a HUGE difference in high school. Just enormous. I was very glad to be in private for high school.

[Anonymous]

I think the bigger problem here is that you don’t know how to have a conversation with your wife without “blowing things up.”