Making SAHM get job to pay for private school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the bigger problem here is that you don’t know how to have a conversation with your wife without “blowing things up.”

Yep. Plus the fact that you're completely dismissing her point of view on this question (to the point that you can't articulate it at all and have written it off as her not understanding the value of money vs. having a logical and reasoned position of her own here).

This post does not read like a marriage of equals in any way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can I force this issue or am I in the wrong? I am sole breadwinner, make about 500k so money isn't an issue but wife wants our 2 kids to go to private school for middle and high school. The school is about 30k per year. That's about $700k I'm pre tax money and not counting college.

I went to public school my whole life, including a good state school so my tuition from kindergarten through end of grad school was about the cost of one year of this middle school, combined. I think private school is a waste, unless you are in a bad school district or your kid has unique needs.

Leaving aside I could retire several years earlier if we sent the kids to the good, local public school, I feel my wife has lost the sense of what a dollar is. She isn't a spendthrift on other areas. I feel like if this is so important, then she can work with basically every penny she earns going to pay tuition.

How do I raise this without blowing things up?

If she goes back to work are you prepared to be the default parent for the next few years as she builds up her career and has very little vacation time to take? That means being home to do the after school and dinner duties. She gets to the be the one who drops off if necessary. It means grocery shopping and cooking. If means figuring out how the house gets clean and how the lawn gets mowed. It means scheduling and going to the doctors appointments. It means staying home when they are sick…

[Anonymous]

A few things. And I say this as someone who attended public schools, including college, and would like my child to do the same if possible (though I recognize some key ways that the world is different from when I was growing up).

1) You may be overestimating the cost of private school, as some private schools will offer a discount for a second child if they go to the same school Depending on the school, this can be a significant discount. Not sure what privates you are looking at, but you should talk to your wife about this aspect of it because there may be some middle ground here where you don't pay sticker price.

2) I would be interested to know your familiarity with the local public MS and HS. As I said, I am a public school grad who expects my kid to attend public (and we have nowhere near your HHI). But I have learned things about our local schools that alarm me and have looking at ALL options, including privates, moving, charters, and homeschooling. Stuff like: our IB high school does not even offer AP Calculus. That's a pretty basic course that was definitely available in even my middle-of-nowhere rural HS in the 90s! Probably the public schools are better where you are, but you can't just assume that's the case. Your wife may have more information about the local schools that is driving her motivations, whereas you may just be assuming the public schools are good without knowing the details. You need to know the details before you arguing with your wife, especially if she has put in more legwork on this matter than you at this point.

3) Regardless of how you resolve this debate, be cautious that you don't cut off your nose to spite your face. There are a LOT of advantages to having a SAH spouse, especially for high earners with demanding jobs. You may assume that you could outsource everything your wife does because of your income. You would be wrong. See #2 above -- how do you outsource gathering useful information about school offerings and evaluating options? The best you can do is hire a consultant, which will cost $$$, and you still wind up having to process all the info from them and make choices for your kids. If your wife is working full time, that gets much more stressful. Plus simply not being around the kids as much means being less in touch with what is going on with them, and teenagers can develop all kinds of behavior problems, especially if they feel like their parents aren't around or aren't invested. I am very pro-working moms (I am one) but you are basically proposing having your wife take a FT job as some kind of punishment for this proposed expenditure. That is NOT a good reason for a SAHP to go to work, and could result in all kinds of unintended consequences. Think this through.

Right now, I'm leaning towards moving to a better school district or potentially homeschooling with a heavy investment in extra-curriculars to resolve our own public school issues. But if we had your HHI, I would absolutely be bringing up private with my DH, exploring local privates and figuring out if that might be a good fit for our family. Education isn't the no brainer it once was, and public school is in a bit of a crisis right now. You need to go into this with your eyes open, not some knee jerk reaction that private school is a waste or that your wife is trying to spend "your" money. You're talking about someone you admit is not a big spender, who is suggesting spending a large some on an educational investment. You might be right that it's not worth it, but I absolutely think it's worth a conversation. Treat this like your job -- would you immediately write off a proposed business development expenditure as useless if it came from a trusted colleague with a good track record, just because the price tag seemed high at first and you weren't familiar with it? Or would you have a few meetings, at least, to discuss it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How can I force this issue or am I in the wrong? I am sole breadwinner, make about 500k so money isn't an issue but wife wants our 2 kids to go to private school for middle and high school. The school is about 30k per year. That's about $700k I'm pre tax money and not counting college.

I went to public school my whole life, including a good state school so my tuition from kindergarten through end of grad school was about the cost of one year of this middle school, combined. I think private school is a waste, unless you are in a bad school district or your kid has unique needs.

Leaving aside I could retire several years earlier if we sent the kids to the good, local public school, I feel my wife has lost the sense of what a dollar is. She isn't a spendthrift on other areas. I feel like if this is so important, then she can work with basically every penny she earns going to pay tuition.

How do I raise this without blowing things up?

If she goes back to work are you prepared to be the default parent for the next few years as she builds up her career and has very little vacation time to take? That means being home to do the after school and dinner duties. She gets to the be the one who drops off if necessary. It means grocery shopping and cooking. If means figuring out how the house gets clean and how the lawn gets mowed. It means scheduling and going to the doctors appointments. It means staying home when they are sick…

+1 especially because given the tax rate she’s going to be under given his income. She’s going to have to take a pretty demanding job to fund private for two kids and he’s going to have to step up big time at home.

[Anonymous]

OP thinks his wife doesn’t know the value of a dollar (even though she’s presumably the one managing the household’s day-to-day spending, and apparently manages it well since OP has no complaints about that). I think he has lost sight of the value of, and benefit to him of, his wife’s time.

-Full Time Working Mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How can I force this issue or am I in the wrong? I am sole breadwinner, make about 500k so money isn't an issue but wife wants our 2 kids to go to private school for middle and high school. The school is about 30k per year. That's about $700k I'm pre tax money and not counting college.

I went to public school my whole life, including a good state school so my tuition from kindergarten through end of grad school was about the cost of one year of this middle school, combined. I think private school is a waste, unless you are in a bad school district or your kid has unique needs.

Leaving aside I could retire several years earlier if we sent the kids to the good, local public school, I feel my wife has lost the sense of what a dollar is. She isn't a spendthrift on other areas. I feel like if this is so important, then she can work with basically every penny she earns going to pay tuition.

How do I raise this without blowing things up?

Um, this is so one time at band camp, in the 80s or 90s. .

It's 2021. A whole lot has changed! Kids can't just waltz out of public school into good colleges with lots of safeties anymore. Kids are getting into NO college. Public schools have changed too. And you earn enough to pay for private. Private high school is maybe 3,000/month. There is a sibling discount. That's roughly the same cost as daycare for middle class folk, or cost of nanny. Just stop spending cash on stupid toys and cars or whatever, and redirect those funds toward your kids future.

Your entire post is bizarre, PP. High-performing kids at good publics have excellent options for college, even though college admissions are much more competitive now than in the 80s. My kids attended a good public and one is at a HYPSM and the other a top 20, and they were as at least as well-prepared as their private school peers. Same story with their friends from HS. And kids don’t end up failing to get into any college unless they make serious mistakes in the selection or application process.

OP, you need to have a talk with your wife about your financial goals and expectations concerning the kids and family. I do tend to agree with you that it’s hard to justify paying for private school if you are in a good public district in the absence of a special need for the kids. I certainly wouldn’t want to do it if it’s just a keeping up with the Joneses scenario. But I also think it makes no sense for you to just tell your wife to get a job if she wants this so much. That’s not a thoughtful approach. The two of you need to act as a team on this and all major life decisions, and you are clearly not engaging in the communication necessary to get there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the bigger problem here is that you don’t know how to have a conversation with your wife without “blowing things up.”

X100000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think it is a little ridiculous to both not work and insist on private school.

Agree. I’m a SAHM and private school would be a non-starter with my husband. He doesn’t quite make $500/k but it wouldn’t matter to him if he did. He is focused on college and retirement savings and generational wealth building. Private secondary school is just a badge like a luxury car or country club (we don’t those either.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think it is a little ridiculous to both not work and insist on private school.

Agree. I’m a SAHM and private school would be a non-starter with my husband. He doesn’t quite make $500/k but it wouldn’t matter to him if he did. He is focused on college and retirement savings and generational wealth building. Private secondary school is just a badge like a luxury car or country club (we don’t those either.)

Whether it’s just a “badge” or could be meaningfully better depends on the kid and their current situation. Of course it’s true that for some people that it’s just a status symbol, but that’s not the only reason to send kids to private, and OP doesn’t even attempt to explain his wife’s reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can I force this issue or am I in the wrong? I am sole breadwinner, make about 500k so money isn't an issue but wife wants our 2 kids to go to private school for middle and high school. The school is about 30k per year. That's about $700k I'm pre tax money and not counting college.

I went to public school my whole life, including a good state school so my tuition from kindergarten through end of grad school was about the cost of one year of this middle school, combined. I think private school is a waste, unless you are in a bad school district or your kid has unique needs.

Leaving aside I could retire several years earlier if we sent the kids to the good, local public school, I feel my wife has lost the sense of what a dollar is. She isn't a spendthrift on other areas. I feel like if this is so important, then she can work with basically every penny she earns going to pay tuition.

How do I raise this without blowing things up?

Just be upfront about not seeing a value in this expense. If she can convince you about the value then explore the options to make it possible. It can be her getting a job or all of you making lifestyle changes to make it happen. To be fair, even if she takes a $50K job to support her decision, much of it will go in commute, wardrobe and such expenses, on other side you’ll have to find a house keeper/ home manager and a baby sitter/tutor/driver to manage home and Children’s activities. On top of that there will be additional stress and less flexibility in your lives. It’s not worth it at your income level for her to work for less than $150K, which may not happen due to long gap on her resume while she was holding the fort so you can build your lucrative career. If it’s worth opening a Pandora’s box for her to send them to private school or for you to send her back to work for may be $20K total gain per year then do it. It may disrupt children’s lives and household but it’ll help her get out and have a more interesting life and not having to listen to your resentful behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You must have some budget assumptions upon which you are saying that to afford $60K/yr of tuition you need a HHI of $700K. Do you and your DW agree on your annual budget? Or does your DW think that there's somewhere in your current spending that you can cut back?

There are plenty of people who pay for private school and college with a HHI of $500K, so it's not a matter literally not having enough money...it's a matter of priorities. You and your DW probably aren't aligned on other areas of spending either...and that's what you need to address instead of jumping to, "You need to find a job in order to educate our kids the way you think makes sense."

Also, you should try to understand her reasons for wanting private over public. They might be good ones. Your personal experience doesn't apply, even if you live in the same school district you grew up in since kids are different and schools change.

FWIW, I went to private growing up and DH went to only publics. When we were first thinking about schools, he had the attitude that "public was good enough for me, so it's fine". We both did a lot of research, and we ended up exploring both publics and privates. Our kids ended up in public for now, but we may reconsider. Importantly, though, we are having discussions about these things on the merits of the decisions for our kids...not on just wanting our kids to have the same experiences we did.

That’s not what OP is saying.

Agree, but OP's math also doesn't add up. $30k * 2 kids * 7 years each = $420k total. That's not "several extra years of work" with a $500k/year salary.

Looking at sums of money that large over time today's value doesn't say much. Think of it in time value of money and gains not obtained. That could easily be closer to $1M if it was invested well. If the public schools are good enough the kids would benefit more to have access to those funds later in life than to go to an overly expensive private.

[Anonymous]

i would think you could easily pay for private school with that HHI. many people pay for private school with FAR less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You must have some budget assumptions upon which you are saying that to afford $60K/yr of tuition you need a HHI of $700K. Do you and your DW agree on your annual budget? Or does your DW think that there's somewhere in your current spending that you can cut back?

There are plenty of people who pay for private school and college with a HHI of $500K, so it's not a matter literally not having enough money...it's a matter of priorities. You and your DW probably aren't aligned on other areas of spending either...and that's what you need to address instead of jumping to, "You need to find a job in order to educate our kids the way you think makes sense."

Also, you should try to understand her reasons for wanting private over public. They might be good ones. Your personal experience doesn't apply, even if you live in the same school district you grew up in since kids are different and schools change.

FWIW, I went to private growing up and DH went to only publics. When we were first thinking about schools, he had the attitude that "public was good enough for me, so it's fine". We both did a lot of research, and we ended up exploring both publics and privates. Our kids ended up in public for now, but we may reconsider. Importantly, though, we are having discussions about these things on the merits of the decisions for our kids...not on just wanting our kids to have the same experiences we did.

That’s not what OP is saying.

Agree, but OP's math also doesn't add up. $30k * 2 kids * 7 years each = $420k total. That's not "several extra years of work" with a $500k/year salary.

Looking at sums of money that large over time today's value doesn't say much. Think of it in time value of money and gains not obtained. That could easily be closer to $1M if it was invested well. If the public schools are good enough the kids would benefit more to have access to those funds later in life than to go to an overly expensive private.

+1 and also PP doesn’t seem to know how high a tax rate OP is being taxed at. So he has to earn $100k to pay (or invest barring taxed deferred investments) $60k.

[Anonymous]

Split the difference..send half the kids to public and half to private.

[Anonymous]

I work in a public school. Absolutely get your kids into a good private school if you can. A lot of what I see horrifies me.

Also, consider how your wife getting a job will impact your career. Are you prepared to handle half of the pickups and drop offs? Half of the housework? Half of the childcare? What if she has to work weekends? Think about the impact this will have on your career. It likely makes more sense for her to remain a SAHM, rather than you taking over half of the duties and taking a career hit over $30k (6% of your salary).