Making SAHM get job to pay for private school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think its a great idea for your wife to go back to work. Clearly you are not a particularly nice person and would probably leave her high and dry in a divorce and she needs a back up plan.

With that said, if she goes back to work, she will have little to no leave. Are you prepared to do all the doctor/dental appointments? Are you prepared to take of for half days and teacher work days? Are you prepared to make child care arrangements for summers, spring break and winter break. Are you prepared to take off at a moments notice to pick up your sick chid from school? Are you prepared to be at home 10-14 days if they get covid? Are you prepared to be home early to drive you kids to every activity? No including, the cooking, cleaning and other household duties. And, how much do you think it would cost to hire a full-time nanny?

You make a fortune. I don't get it.

If we made what you did there is no question our kids would be in private. The publics are a hot mess right now.

Does anybody read?? Ops kids are entering teenage years. What is wrong with y’all!!

Everything Pp wrote applies to teenagers. You think an 11 year old can drive themselves to activities, drive home when sick, and cook their own dinner?

Wtf are you talking about??

Another woman who just does not want to work.

Newsflash most families have two working parents who get all of those things you mentioned done for their children. The binary thinking from some of you is sad af.

I am a woman who works. I even out-earn my H.

You're not understanding the point. The point is not that OP's wife shouldn't work. The point is that OP needs to consider how her working will impact his life, lifestyle. and career, and decide if those trade-offs are worth it to him. He will have to make sacrifices in his job, his personal life, hobbies, etc. He won't get to come home and unwind after work, he'll have to pitch in. He'll have to take days off work for sick kids. He'll have to make sure he leaves the office by a certain time to get his kids to their activities. He can say good-bye to any hobbies he has, won't be able to participate in them much anymore.

It's delusional for OP to think his wife will work AND continue all of the SAHM duties, and equally delusional to think children in middle school require little to no care.

Fine, but then the kids can stay in public and she can continue not working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think its a great idea for your wife to go back to work. Clearly you are not a particularly nice person and would probably leave her high and dry in a divorce and she needs a back up plan.

With that said, if she goes back to work, she will have little to no leave. Are you prepared to do all the doctor/dental appointments? Are you prepared to take of for half days and teacher work days? Are you prepared to make child care arrangements for summers, spring break and winter break. Are you prepared to take off at a moments notice to pick up your sick chid from school? Are you prepared to be at home 10-14 days if they get covid? Are you prepared to be home early to drive you kids to every activity? No including, the cooking, cleaning and other household duties. And, how much do you think it would cost to hire a full-time nanny?

You make a fortune. I don't get it.

If we made what you did there is no question our kids would be in private. The publics are a hot mess right now.

Does anybody read?? Ops kids are entering teenage years. What is wrong with y’all!!

Everything Pp wrote applies to teenagers. You think an 11 year old can drive themselves to activities, drive home when sick, and cook their own dinner?

Wtf are you talking about??

Another woman who just does not want to work.

Newsflash most families have two working parents who get all of those things you mentioned done for their children. The binary thinking from some of you is sad af.

I am a woman who works. I even out-earn my H.

You're not understanding the point. The point is not that OP's wife shouldn't work. The point is that OP needs to consider how her working will impact his life, lifestyle. and career, and decide if those trade-offs are worth it to him. He will have to make sacrifices in his job, his personal life, hobbies, etc. He won't get to come home and unwind after work, he'll have to pitch in. He'll have to take days off work for sick kids. He'll have to make sure he leaves the office by a certain time to get his kids to their activities. He can say good-bye to any hobbies he has, won't be able to participate in them much anymore.

It's delusional for OP to think his wife will work AND continue all of the SAHM duties, and equally delusional to think children in middle school require little to no care.

Fine, but then the kids can stay in public and she can continue not working.

That's not how marriage works. OP very obviously views himself as the boss and his wife as a subordinate - his words are "making" her pay, "forcing" the issue, he wants to "sneer" at his wife. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, where you listen to each other, value the things your spouse values, and work together to figure out a solution.

A healthy solution for OP would be:

- Having conversations with his wife about why private school is important to her with a very, very open mind.
- Letting go of his obvious resentment for his wife and view her as an equal partner
- Letting go of his own baggage of outperforming the "Ivies" (who probably never even think about him and may very well have happier marriages and lives than he does). This seems to be the biggest issue, it's not that OP can't afford the school, it's that he has resentment towards people who went to better schools than him.
- Valuing his wife's opinion as equally as his own and acknowledging that she likely has good reasons for wanting their kids in private school.
- Working together to come up with a solution. This could look like many things. Maybe OP's wife goes back to work. Or maybe they figure out other ways they can budget for school, such as downsizing to a smaller home, downsizing their cars, taking fewer vacations, spending less on eating out, etc. On a salary of $500k, there's probably a way to find the $30k for school if you cut out some other things. Or, if OP was planning to retire at 50, realizing that 3 extra years of working until 53 is worth the trade-off. Or OP could look for opportunities to advance his career and make the extra money, if he's interested in developing his career more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think its a great idea for your wife to go back to work. Clearly you are not a particularly nice person and would probably leave her high and dry in a divorce and she needs a back up plan.

With that said, if she goes back to work, she will have little to no leave. Are you prepared to do all the doctor/dental appointments? Are you prepared to take of for half days and teacher work days? Are you prepared to make child care arrangements for summers, spring break and winter break. Are you prepared to take off at a moments notice to pick up your sick chid from school? Are you prepared to be at home 10-14 days if they get covid? Are you prepared to be home early to drive you kids to every activity? No including, the cooking, cleaning and other household duties. And, how much do you think it would cost to hire a full-time nanny?

You make a fortune. I don't get it.

If we made what you did there is no question our kids would be in private. The publics are a hot mess right now.

Does anybody read?? Ops kids are entering teenage years. What is wrong with y’all!!

Everything Pp wrote applies to teenagers. You think an 11 year old can drive themselves to activities, drive home when sick, and cook their own dinner?

Wtf are you talking about??

Another woman who just does not want to work.

Newsflash most families have two working parents who get all of those things you mentioned done for their children. The binary thinking from some of you is sad af.

I am a woman who works. I even out-earn my H.

You're not understanding the point. The point is not that OP's wife shouldn't work. The point is that OP needs to consider how her working will impact his life, lifestyle. and career, and decide if those trade-offs are worth it to him. He will have to make sacrifices in his job, his personal life, hobbies, etc. He won't get to come home and unwind after work, he'll have to pitch in. He'll have to take days off work for sick kids. He'll have to make sure he leaves the office by a certain time to get his kids to their activities. He can say good-bye to any hobbies he has, won't be able to participate in them much anymore.

It's delusional for OP to think his wife will work AND continue all of the SAHM duties, and equally delusional to think children in middle school require little to no care.

Fine, but then the kids can stay in public and she can continue not working.

That's not how marriage works. OP very obviously views himself as the boss and his wife as a subordinate - his words are "making" her pay, "forcing" the issue, he wants to "sneer" at his wife. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, where you listen to each other, value the things your spouse values, and work together to figure out a solution.

A healthy solution for OP would be:

- Having conversations with his wife about why private school is important to her with a very, very open mind.
- Letting go of his obvious resentment for his wife and view her as an equal partner
- Letting go of his own baggage of outperforming the "Ivies" (who probably never even think about him and may very well have happier marriages and lives than he does). This seems to be the biggest issue, it's not that OP can't afford the school, it's that he has resentment towards people who went to better schools than him.
- Valuing his wife's opinion as equally as his own and acknowledging that she likely has good reasons for wanting their kids in private school.
- Working together to come up with a solution. This could look like many things. Maybe OP's wife goes back to work. Or maybe they figure out other ways they can budget for school, such as downsizing to a smaller home, downsizing their cars, taking fewer vacations, spending less on eating out, etc. On a salary of $500k, there's probably a way to find the $30k for school if you cut out some other things. Or, if OP was planning to retire at 50, realizing that 3 extra years of working until 53 is worth the trade-off. Or OP could look for opportunities to advance his career and make the extra money, if he's interested in developing his career more.

It's clear this is a marriage with a lot of toxicity, but you are excusing the wife's disdainful treatment of OP entirely. She didn't bother to have a respectful conversation with him either. She didn't ask him how he would feel about working an extra three years, she just demanded it. It is remarkably toxic to demand someone else's work like that.

I don't disagree that marriage should not work that way, but you are constructing a narrative where OP is entirely at fault here, and that's clearly not the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I agree the word "make" her get a job is poor choice of language.

Some good advice here and to answer some questions: she has a good degree fromm an expensive private school (as do most of her friends who are SAH mom's) so she could go back to what she was doing before SAH and probably make 75-100k full time which after taxes would basically just lay for school.

The reason I mention that is because I wonder if she would still think private is worth it if she literally had to endure a year of all the nonsense they work brings just for the joy of saying out kids are in private school.

As others have pointed out, it's just as much about that I see private school as pointless. In fact, I probably have a bit of a chip about it since I started at my company with a dozen others, almost all of them from Ivy or southern Ivy (Duke, Candy) and I surpassed all of them. Most aren't even in the field anymore. Point being, where you go to college doesn't matter as much as people think unless you are in a super rare field that needs a pedigree (like a Supreme Court lawyer). Where you go to high school matters less and middle school?

If this was a cheap expense, then it wouldn't be a hill to die on but it's an enormous expense. Can I afford it? For sure. Does it mean I will work at least 3 more years over this, for sure.

I suppose it just comes down to a philosophical difference as to whether private is an actual benefit vs a country club status thing.

Advice on a productive conversation? Am I allowed to anonymously sneer that my wife's very expensive private school pedigree didn't exactly lead to a good ROI?

Okay, I am assuming you are a smart guy if you are making 500K a year. You have the answers within yourself and just aren’t ready to do them so you are just coming here to vent.

1 - Acknowledge to your wife that you do have a chip on your shoulder as you admitted here. That’s your trigger and to move forward productively with any conversation, about private school you can’t take your baggage into it

2 - Yes, it comes down to a philosophical difference about it and if you don’t know if it would be an actual benefit, why the heck aren’t you first educating yourself? A pp said it best, if someone came to you in business with an idea and a solid track record, would you dismiss this person out of hand without listening or asking questions and getting more information?

3 - You do know how to have a productive conversation with someone when you aren’t seeing eye to eye and that person has at least equal authority to you. Again, if you are in a career making half a million dollars a year and don’t know how to do that, please tell me what career because I’m in the wrong business. You must have something - negotiation skills, emotional intelligence, etc to make you successful in your career. Use some of that at home.

4 - Yes you can anonymously sneer at your wife’s pedigree and the ROI etc but if you really don’t respect her you have bigger fish to fry than private school for the kids. If you do really respect her and view your marriage as a partnership recognize how you both make it possible to have the life you share now and realize you are bringing your chip on your shoulder to put down your wife and mother of your children which really isn’t cool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I agree the word "make" her get a job is poor choice of language.

Some good advice here and to answer some questions: she has a good degree fromm an expensive private school (as do most of her friends who are SAH mom's) so she could go back to what she was doing before SAH and probably make 75-100k full time which after taxes would basically just lay for school.

The reason I mention that is because I wonder if she would still think private is worth it if she literally had to endure a year of all the nonsense they work brings just for the joy of saying out kids are in private school.

As others have pointed out, it's just as much about that I see private school as pointless. In fact, I probably have a bit of a chip about it since I started at my company with a dozen others, almost all of them from Ivy or southern Ivy (Duke, Candy) and I surpassed all of them. Most aren't even in the field anymore. Point being, where you go to college doesn't matter as much as people think unless you are in a super rare field that needs a pedigree (like a Supreme Court lawyer). Where you go to high school matters less and middle school?

If this was a cheap expense, then it wouldn't be a hill to die on but it's an enormous expense. Can I afford it? For sure. Does it mean I will work at least 3 more years over this, for sure.

I suppose it just comes down to a philosophical difference as to whether private is an actual benefit vs a country club status thing.

Advice on a productive conversation? Am I allowed to anonymously sneer that my wife's very expensive private school pedigree didn't exactly lead to a good ROI?

Okay, I am assuming you are a smart guy if you are making 500K a year. You have the answers within yourself and just aren’t ready to do them so you are just coming here to vent.

1 - Acknowledge to your wife that you do have a chip on your shoulder as you admitted here. That’s your trigger and to move forward productively with any conversation, about private school you can’t take your baggage into it

2 - Yes, it comes down to a philosophical difference about it and if you don’t know if it would be an actual benefit, why the heck aren’t you first educating yourself? A pp said it best, if someone came to you in business with an idea and a solid track record, would you dismiss this person out of hand without listening or asking questions and getting more information?

3 - You do know how to have a productive conversation with someone when you aren’t seeing eye to eye and that person has at least equal authority to you. Again, if you are in a career making half a million dollars a year and don’t know how to do that, please tell me what career because I’m in the wrong business. You must have something - negotiation skills, emotional intelligence, etc to make you successful in your career. Use some of that at home.

4 - Yes you can anonymously sneer at your wife’s pedigree and the ROI etc but if you really don’t respect her you have bigger fish to fry than private school for the kids. If you do really respect her and view your marriage as a partnership recognize how you both make it possible to have the life you share now and realize you are bringing your chip on your shoulder to put down your wife and mother of your children which really isn’t cool.

My guess is that OPs wife isn't even anonymously sneering at OP. She's probably doing it directly to his face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think its a great idea for your wife to go back to work. Clearly you are not a particularly nice person and would probably leave her high and dry in a divorce and she needs a back up plan.

With that said, if she goes back to work, she will have little to no leave. Are you prepared to do all the doctor/dental appointments? Are you prepared to take of for half days and teacher work days? Are you prepared to make child care arrangements for summers, spring break and winter break. Are you prepared to take off at a moments notice to pick up your sick chid from school? Are you prepared to be at home 10-14 days if they get covid? Are you prepared to be home early to drive you kids to every activity? No including, the cooking, cleaning and other household duties. And, how much do you think it would cost to hire a full-time nanny?

You make a fortune. I don't get it.

If we made what you did there is no question our kids would be in private. The publics are a hot mess right now.

Is this a joke??? The majority of family have two working parents. Give me a break.

No one is denying that families make it work with two working parents. I don’t understand why you keep bringing that up as a retort to multiple posts.

Those who make it work, do so because BOTH parents take on the house and child responsibilities. Which means, yes, OP will have to handle sick days and breaks and doctors appointments and driving to activities.

You seem to believe OP should not take on any responsibilities, and I don’t understand why. It’s perfectly reasonable to expect OP to take on his fair share, rather than leaving his wife to work full time AND continue all the work of being a SAHM.

My DH and I both work full time and I am the person that ‘handles sick days and breaks and dr appointments and driving to activities’ not him. My husband is a physician whereas I work for a local school system and has the more demanding job so I pickup the vast majority of childcare and household tasks.

You are lucky you had a flexible job. When I worked, I didn't. I couldn't even get my doctors appointments approved for a serious medical issue let alone if someone got sick. Your husband needs to step up and parent.

PP here. I’m a school psychologist working in FCPS. Not exactly what I consider a ‘flexible job’ but I manage!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think its a great idea for your wife to go back to work. Clearly you are not a particularly nice person and would probably leave her high and dry in a divorce and she needs a back up plan.

With that said, if she goes back to work, she will have little to no leave. Are you prepared to do all the doctor/dental appointments? Are you prepared to take of for half days and teacher work days? Are you prepared to make child care arrangements for summers, spring break and winter break. Are you prepared to take off at a moments notice to pick up your sick chid from school? Are you prepared to be at home 10-14 days if they get covid? Are you prepared to be home early to drive you kids to every activity? No including, the cooking, cleaning and other household duties. And, how much do you think it would cost to hire a full-time nanny?

You make a fortune. I don't get it.

If we made what you did there is no question our kids would be in private. The publics are a hot mess right now.

Does anybody read?? Ops kids are entering teenage years. What is wrong with y’all!!

Everything Pp wrote applies to teenagers. You think an 11 year old can drive themselves to activities, drive home when sick, and cook their own dinner?

Wtf are you talking about??

Another woman who just does not want to work.

Newsflash most families have two working parents who get all of those things you mentioned done for their children. The binary thinking from some of you is sad af.

I am a woman who works. I even out-earn my H.

You're not understanding the point. The point is not that OP's wife shouldn't work. The point is that OP needs to consider how her working will impact his life, lifestyle. and career, and decide if those trade-offs are worth it to him. He will have to make sacrifices in his job, his personal life, hobbies, etc. He won't get to come home and unwind after work, he'll have to pitch in. He'll have to take days off work for sick kids. He'll have to make sure he leaves the office by a certain time to get his kids to their activities. He can say good-bye to any hobbies he has, won't be able to participate in them much anymore.

It's delusional for OP to think his wife will work AND continue all of the SAHM duties, and equally delusional to think children in middle school require little to no care.

Fine, but then the kids can stay in public and she can continue not working.

That's not how marriage works. OP very obviously views himself as the boss and his wife as a subordinate - his words are "making" her pay, "forcing" the issue, he wants to "sneer" at his wife. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, where you listen to each other, value the things your spouse values, and work together to figure out a solution.

A healthy solution for OP would be:

- Having conversations with his wife about why private school is important to her with a very, very open mind.
- Letting go of his obvious resentment for his wife and view her as an equal partner
- Letting go of his own baggage of outperforming the "Ivies" (who probably never even think about him and may very well have happier marriages and lives than he does). This seems to be the biggest issue, it's not that OP can't afford the school, it's that he has resentment towards people who went to better schools than him.
- Valuing his wife's opinion as equally as his own and acknowledging that she likely has good reasons for wanting their kids in private school.
- Working together to come up with a solution. This could look like many things. Maybe OP's wife goes back to work. Or maybe they figure out other ways they can budget for school, such as downsizing to a smaller home, downsizing their cars, taking fewer vacations, spending less on eating out, etc. On a salary of $500k, there's probably a way to find the $30k for school if you cut out some other things. Or, if OP was planning to retire at 50, realizing that 3 extra years of working until 53 is worth the trade-off. Or OP could look for opportunities to advance his career and make the extra money, if he's interested in developing his career more.

It's clear this is a marriage with a lot of toxicity, but you are excusing the wife's disdainful treatment of OP entirely. She didn't bother to have a respectful conversation with him either. She didn't ask him how he would feel about working an extra three years, she just demanded it. It is remarkably toxic to demand someone else's work like that.

I don't disagree that marriage should not work that way, but you are constructing a narrative where OP is entirely at fault here, and that's clearly not the case.

We have no idea what OP's wife has done or said, because she's not here telling her side.

Regardless, OP is the one here trying to find a solution. If he gets into a power struggle with her and tries to force his decision, it will not help their marriage and will very likely cause more damage.

If he just wants a magic phrase or action to force his wife into submission, well, he's gonna have a difficult marriage and life ahead of him.

If he wants to preserve his marriage and find a solution that works for both of them, then the advice still stands. An open-minded, non-judgmental conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I agree the word "make" her get a job is poor choice of language.

Some good advice here and to answer some questions: she has a good degree fromm an expensive private school (as do most of her friends who are SAH mom's) so she could go back to what she was doing before SAH and probably make 75-100k full time which after taxes would basically just lay for school.

The reason I mention that is because I wonder if she would still think private is worth it if she literally had to endure a year of all the nonsense they work brings just for the joy of saying out kids are in private school.

As others have pointed out, it's just as much about that I see private school as pointless. In fact, I probably have a bit of a chip about it since I started at my company with a dozen others, almost all of them from Ivy or southern Ivy (Duke, Candy) and I surpassed all of them. Most aren't even in the field anymore. Point being, where you go to college doesn't matter as much as people think unless you are in a super rare field that needs a pedigree (like a Supreme Court lawyer). Where you go to high school matters less and middle school?

If this was a cheap expense, then it wouldn't be a hill to die on but it's an enormous expense. Can I afford it? For sure. Does it mean I will work at least 3 more years over this, for sure.

I suppose it just comes down to a philosophical difference as to whether private is an actual benefit vs a country club status thing.

Advice on a productive conversation? Am I allowed to anonymously sneer that my wife's very expensive private school pedigree didn't exactly lead to a good ROI?

Op, I went to both public and private. I’m now watching my step kids go to one of the best public high schools in suburban DC. I really wish their parents could afford private high school. It kills me to know what they’re missing out on. You don’t know what private school kids get in comparison to what you got. Smaller classes, better writing instruction, nice teachers, bathrooms and cafeterias that can actually use rather than fear. There are so many administration snafus that wind up screwing the kids over.

You don’t see the value in a private school education. It’s not just a status symbol if it’s a good school. It confers a lot of benefits to your kids that are lifelong.

This is because of the ridiculous state of public schools. I grew up in a place where there were excellent public schools. Class size the same as my kids’ privates, teachers the same or better. Excellent facilities. Classmates went to Ivies, as did I — ran circles around private school kids. Public schools are underfunded and it’s an absolute travesty that in such an excellent nation we can’t figure out how to invest in our human capital and lift all boats.

Not directed at you PP but just wanted to use your comment to point out that without private schools public schools would be a thousand times worse. Paying for a public school doesn’t exempt you from paying taxes that benefit public schools. Think about what would happen and if all of the privates shut down tomorrow.

All the political influence that private school parents have would go toward making public schools better?

Totally, if young Cooper had to go to school with the hoi polloi you could be damn sure that the schools would get all the funding they need.

[Anonymous]

I am a SAHM, and my husband makes 575. I know that I could never earn that amount of money. But it's also true that he could not have reached that salary had he not been able to regularly work evenings, weekends, and holidays without disruption for 12 years.

If I go back to work, I want to be able to work evenings, weekends, and holidays without disruption and with the knowledge that my kids aren't being deprived of quality time with a parent. I would want my husband to make dinner, make the doctor's appointments, plan vacations, take the car in for service, figure out what the kids are going to do after school, organize playdates, etc. (and let's not pretend that etc. is just a few more things, we all know how involved parenting is), so that I can focus on work. I think that's fair, and DH agrees.

He and I both know that when you have kids and you work this much, something has to give. Maybe it's a more peaceful lifestyle, maybe it's time with your kids, maybe it's the ability of both parents to be gunners. So far, what has given is my career. When DH gets a 9-5, I will dive back into work, something I look forward to! However, first he has to find a new job.

We have one kid in public school (at a coveted lottery) and I homeschool the other one. It's an ideal school situation. If public wasn't working out, for any reason, such as not getting a good education, mental health struggles, or inadequate support for special needs (both kids have pretty serious ADHD), I would advocate for our kids to go private. And since my husband actually respects me, he would do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think its a great idea for your wife to go back to work. Clearly you are not a particularly nice person and would probably leave her high and dry in a divorce and she needs a back up plan.

With that said, if she goes back to work, she will have little to no leave. Are you prepared to do all the doctor/dental appointments? Are you prepared to take of for half days and teacher work days? Are you prepared to make child care arrangements for summers, spring break and winter break. Are you prepared to take off at a moments notice to pick up your sick chid from school? Are you prepared to be at home 10-14 days if they get covid? Are you prepared to be home early to drive you kids to every activity? No including, the cooking, cleaning and other household duties. And, how much do you think it would cost to hire a full-time nanny?

You make a fortune. I don't get it.

If we made what you did there is no question our kids would be in private. The publics are a hot mess right now.

Does anybody read?? Ops kids are entering teenage years. What is wrong with y’all!!

Everything Pp wrote applies to teenagers. You think an 11 year old can drive themselves to activities, drive home when sick, and cook their own dinner?

Wtf are you talking about??

Another woman who just does not want to work.

Newsflash most families have two working parents who get all of those things you mentioned done for their children. The binary thinking from some of you is sad af.

I am a woman who works. I even out-earn my H.

You're not understanding the point. The point is not that OP's wife shouldn't work. The point is that OP needs to consider how her working will impact his life, lifestyle. and career, and decide if those trade-offs are worth it to him. He will have to make sacrifices in his job, his personal life, hobbies, etc. He won't get to come home and unwind after work, he'll have to pitch in. He'll have to take days off work for sick kids. He'll have to make sure he leaves the office by a certain time to get his kids to their activities. He can say good-bye to any hobbies he has, won't be able to participate in them much anymore.

It's delusional for OP to think his wife will work AND continue all of the SAHM duties, and equally delusional to think children in middle school require little to no care.

Fine, but then the kids can stay in public and she can continue not working.

That's not how marriage works. OP very obviously views himself as the boss and his wife as a subordinate - his words are "making" her pay, "forcing" the issue, he wants to "sneer" at his wife. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, where you listen to each other, value the things your spouse values, and work together to figure out a solution.

A healthy solution for OP would be:

- Having conversations with his wife about why private school is important to her with a very, very open mind.
- Letting go of his obvious resentment for his wife and view her as an equal partner
- Letting go of his own baggage of outperforming the "Ivies" (who probably never even think about him and may very well have happier marriages and lives than he does). This seems to be the biggest issue, it's not that OP can't afford the school, it's that he has resentment towards people who went to better schools than him.
- Valuing his wife's opinion as equally as his own and acknowledging that she likely has good reasons for wanting their kids in private school.
- Working together to come up with a solution. This could look like many things. Maybe OP's wife goes back to work. Or maybe they figure out other ways they can budget for school, such as downsizing to a smaller home, downsizing their cars, taking fewer vacations, spending less on eating out, etc. On a salary of $500k, there's probably a way to find the $30k for school if you cut out some other things. Or, if OP was planning to retire at 50, realizing that 3 extra years of working until 53 is worth the trade-off. Or OP could look for opportunities to advance his career and make the extra money, if he's interested in developing his career more.

It's clear this is a marriage with a lot of toxicity, but you are excusing the wife's disdainful treatment of OP entirely. She didn't bother to have a respectful conversation with him either. She didn't ask him how he would feel about working an extra three years, she just demanded it. It is remarkably toxic to demand someone else's work like that.

I don't disagree that marriage should not work that way, but you are constructing a narrative where OP is entirely at fault here, and that's clearly not the case.

We have no idea what OP's wife has done or said, because she's not here telling her side.

Regardless, OP is the one here trying to find a solution. If he gets into a power struggle with her and tries to force his decision, it will not help their marriage and will very likely cause more damage.

If he just wants a magic phrase or action to force his wife into submission, well, he's gonna have a difficult marriage and life ahead of him.

If he wants to preserve his marriage and find a solution that works for both of them, then the advice still stands. An open-minded, non-judgmental conversation.

We know that OPs wife has demanded that he work for three more years against his will. That's extremely toxic behavior, and I don't understand why you won't acknowledge that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think its a great idea for your wife to go back to work. Clearly you are not a particularly nice person and would probably leave her high and dry in a divorce and she needs a back up plan.

With that said, if she goes back to work, she will have little to no leave. Are you prepared to do all the doctor/dental appointments? Are you prepared to take of for half days and teacher work days? Are you prepared to make child care arrangements for summers, spring break and winter break. Are you prepared to take off at a moments notice to pick up your sick chid from school? Are you prepared to be at home 10-14 days if they get covid? Are you prepared to be home early to drive you kids to every activity? No including, the cooking, cleaning and other household duties. And, how much do you think it would cost to hire a full-time nanny?

You make a fortune. I don't get it.

If we made what you did there is no question our kids would be in private. The publics are a hot mess right now.

Does anybody read?? Ops kids are entering teenage years. What is wrong with y’all!!

Everything Pp wrote applies to teenagers. You think an 11 year old can drive themselves to activities, drive home when sick, and cook their own dinner?

Wtf are you talking about??

Another woman who just does not want to work.

Newsflash most families have two working parents who get all of those things you mentioned done for their children. The binary thinking from some of you is sad af.

I am a woman who works. I even out-earn my H.

You're not understanding the point. The point is not that OP's wife shouldn't work. The point is that OP needs to consider how her working will impact his life, lifestyle. and career, and decide if those trade-offs are worth it to him. He will have to make sacrifices in his job, his personal life, hobbies, etc. He won't get to come home and unwind after work, he'll have to pitch in. He'll have to take days off work for sick kids. He'll have to make sure he leaves the office by a certain time to get his kids to their activities. He can say good-bye to any hobbies he has, won't be able to participate in them much anymore.

It's delusional for OP to think his wife will work AND continue all of the SAHM duties, and equally delusional to think children in middle school require little to no care.

Fine, but then the kids can stay in public and she can continue not working.

That's not how marriage works. OP very obviously views himself as the boss and his wife as a subordinate - his words are "making" her pay, "forcing" the issue, he wants to "sneer" at his wife. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, where you listen to each other, value the things your spouse values, and work together to figure out a solution.

A healthy solution for OP would be:

- Having conversations with his wife about why private school is important to her with a very, very open mind.
- Letting go of his obvious resentment for his wife and view her as an equal partner
- Letting go of his own baggage of outperforming the "Ivies" (who probably never even think about him and may very well have happier marriages and lives than he does). This seems to be the biggest issue, it's not that OP can't afford the school, it's that he has resentment towards people who went to better schools than him.
- Valuing his wife's opinion as equally as his own and acknowledging that she likely has good reasons for wanting their kids in private school.
- Working together to come up with a solution. This could look like many things. Maybe OP's wife goes back to work. Or maybe they figure out other ways they can budget for school, such as downsizing to a smaller home, downsizing their cars, taking fewer vacations, spending less on eating out, etc. On a salary of $500k, there's probably a way to find the $30k for school if you cut out some other things. Or, if OP was planning to retire at 50, realizing that 3 extra years of working until 53 is worth the trade-off. Or OP could look for opportunities to advance his career and make the extra money, if he's interested in developing his career more.

It's clear this is a marriage with a lot of toxicity, but you are excusing the wife's disdainful treatment of OP entirely. She didn't bother to have a respectful conversation with him either. She didn't ask him how he would feel about working an extra three years, she just demanded it. It is remarkably toxic to demand someone else's work like that.

I don't disagree that marriage should not work that way, but you are constructing a narrative where OP is entirely at fault here, and that's clearly not the case.

We have no idea what OP's wife has done or said, because she's not here telling her side.

Regardless, OP is the one here trying to find a solution. If he gets into a power struggle with her and tries to force his decision, it will not help their marriage and will very likely cause more damage.

If he just wants a magic phrase or action to force his wife into submission, well, he's gonna have a difficult marriage and life ahead of him.

If he wants to preserve his marriage and find a solution that works for both of them, then the advice still stands. An open-minded, non-judgmental conversation.

We know that OPs wife has demanded that he work for three more years against his will. That's extremely toxic behavior, and I don't understand why you won't acknowledge that.

LOL did she point a gun at his head and make him hand over a check?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Regardless of anything, it is pretty crappy of OPs wife to demand three extra years of OPs labor for something that is unquestionably a luxury. That's horrific.

It’s more than that. Private school is a two way swing: it sucks diwn your after tax income, AND it doesn’t allow that money to go in the market for compounding for retirement or savings.

$60-80k put into the market for retirement times 4-7 years is A LOT of money / opportunity cost. Like $5000
K after taxes, which at their income is $1,000,000 gross.

What else can you do with $500,000 after taxes over 4-7 years? It’s also a lot of money that could go towards a kids ECs, tutoring, fun camps, kids travel sports or trips. Or socking away for college, their grad school or their future downpayments. Or g d forbid someone needs a costly medical treatment.

The public or parochial schools would have to be drastically worse even with supplementing to go private on a whim.

Do the work. Make a case for what to do. Make your kids do the same when they whine for a trip or $$$toy or car. Two page proposal with supporting data and points. Risks and merits. Think!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think its a great idea for your wife to go back to work. Clearly you are not a particularly nice person and would probably leave her high and dry in a divorce and she needs a back up plan.

With that said, if she goes back to work, she will have little to no leave. Are you prepared to do all the doctor/dental appointments? Are you prepared to take of for half days and teacher work days? Are you prepared to make child care arrangements for summers, spring break and winter break. Are you prepared to take off at a moments notice to pick up your sick chid from school? Are you prepared to be at home 10-14 days if they get covid? Are you prepared to be home early to drive you kids to every activity? No including, the cooking, cleaning and other household duties. And, how much do you think it would cost to hire a full-time nanny?

You make a fortune. I don't get it.

If we made what you did there is no question our kids would be in private. The publics are a hot mess right now.

Does anybody read?? Ops kids are entering teenage years. What is wrong with y’all!!

Everything Pp wrote applies to teenagers. You think an 11 year old can drive themselves to activities, drive home when sick, and cook their own dinner?

Wtf are you talking about??

Another woman who just does not want to work.

Newsflash most families have two working parents who get all of those things you mentioned done for their children. The binary thinking from some of you is sad af.

I am a woman who works. I even out-earn my H.

You're not understanding the point. The point is not that OP's wife shouldn't work. The point is that OP needs to consider how her working will impact his life, lifestyle. and career, and decide if those trade-offs are worth it to him. He will have to make sacrifices in his job, his personal life, hobbies, etc. He won't get to come home and unwind after work, he'll have to pitch in. He'll have to take days off work for sick kids. He'll have to make sure he leaves the office by a certain time to get his kids to their activities. He can say good-bye to any hobbies he has, won't be able to participate in them much anymore.

It's delusional for OP to think his wife will work AND continue all of the SAHM duties, and equally delusional to think children in middle school require little to no care.

Fine, but then the kids can stay in public and she can continue not working.

That's not how marriage works. OP very obviously views himself as the boss and his wife as a subordinate - his words are "making" her pay, "forcing" the issue, he wants to "sneer" at his wife. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, where you listen to each other, value the things your spouse values, and work together to figure out a solution.

A healthy solution for OP would be:

- Having conversations with his wife about why private school is important to her with a very, very open mind.
- Letting go of his obvious resentment for his wife and view her as an equal partner
- Letting go of his own baggage of outperforming the "Ivies" (who probably never even think about him and may very well have happier marriages and lives than he does). This seems to be the biggest issue, it's not that OP can't afford the school, it's that he has resentment towards people who went to better schools than him.
- Valuing his wife's opinion as equally as his own and acknowledging that she likely has good reasons for wanting their kids in private school.
- Working together to come up with a solution. This could look like many things. Maybe OP's wife goes back to work. Or maybe they figure out other ways they can budget for school, such as downsizing to a smaller home, downsizing their cars, taking fewer vacations, spending less on eating out, etc. On a salary of $500k, there's probably a way to find the $30k for school if you cut out some other things. Or, if OP was planning to retire at 50, realizing that 3 extra years of working until 53 is worth the trade-off. Or OP could look for opportunities to advance his career and make the extra money, if he's interested in developing his career more.

It's clear this is a marriage with a lot of toxicity, but you are excusing the wife's disdainful treatment of OP entirely. She didn't bother to have a respectful conversation with him either. She didn't ask him how he would feel about working an extra three years, she just demanded it. It is remarkably toxic to demand someone else's work like that.

I don't disagree that marriage should not work that way, but you are constructing a narrative where OP is entirely at fault here, and that's clearly not the case.

We have no idea what OP's wife has done or said, because she's not here telling her side.

Regardless, OP is the one here trying to find a solution. If he gets into a power struggle with her and tries to force his decision, it will not help their marriage and will very likely cause more damage.

If he just wants a magic phrase or action to force his wife into submission, well, he's gonna have a difficult marriage and life ahead of him.

If he wants to preserve his marriage and find a solution that works for both of them, then the advice still stands. An open-minded, non-judgmental conversation.

We know that OPs wife has demanded that he work for three more years against his will. That's extremely toxic behavior, and I don't understand why you won't acknowledge that.

LOL did she point a gun at his head and make him hand over a check?

That's your standard for bad behavior?

It is insane to me the contortions that women on this thread are going into to justify the behavior of OPs wife. No wonder there are so many broken marriages and affairs. I'm a woman who has both stayed home and worked, in a great marriage, and I cannot imagine treating my husband the way OPs wife has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regardless of anything, it is pretty crappy of OPs wife to demand three extra years of OPs labor for something that is unquestionably a luxury. That's horrific.

This. She doesn't value his labor at all. Team OP.

I honestly can't imagine demanding my spouse work for three more years for a luxury good. That seems so incredibly selfish to me.

Why would he stop working?
Brains turn to mush if you’re not busy at home or at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think its a great idea for your wife to go back to work. Clearly you are not a particularly nice person and would probably leave her high and dry in a divorce and she needs a back up plan.

With that said, if she goes back to work, she will have little to no leave. Are you prepared to do all the doctor/dental appointments? Are you prepared to take of for half days and teacher work days? Are you prepared to make child care arrangements for summers, spring break and winter break. Are you prepared to take off at a moments notice to pick up your sick chid from school? Are you prepared to be at home 10-14 days if they get covid? Are you prepared to be home early to drive you kids to every activity? No including, the cooking, cleaning and other household duties. And, how much do you think it would cost to hire a full-time nanny?

You make a fortune. I don't get it.

If we made what you did there is no question our kids would be in private. The publics are a hot mess right now.

Does anybody read?? Ops kids are entering teenage years. What is wrong with y’all!!

Everything Pp wrote applies to teenagers. You think an 11 year old can drive themselves to activities, drive home when sick, and cook their own dinner?

Wtf are you talking about??

Another woman who just does not want to work.

Newsflash most families have two working parents who get all of those things you mentioned done for their children. The binary thinking from some of you is sad af.

I am a woman who works. I even out-earn my H.

You're not understanding the point. The point is not that OP's wife shouldn't work. The point is that OP needs to consider how her working will impact his life, lifestyle. and career, and decide if those trade-offs are worth it to him. He will have to make sacrifices in his job, his personal life, hobbies, etc. He won't get to come home and unwind after work, he'll have to pitch in. He'll have to take days off work for sick kids. He'll have to make sure he leaves the office by a certain time to get his kids to their activities. He can say good-bye to any hobbies he has, won't be able to participate in them much anymore.

It's delusional for OP to think his wife will work AND continue all of the SAHM duties, and equally delusional to think children in middle school require little to no care.

Fine, but then the kids can stay in public and she can continue not working.

That's not how marriage works. OP very obviously views himself as the boss and his wife as a subordinate - his words are "making" her pay, "forcing" the issue, he wants to "sneer" at his wife. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, where you listen to each other, value the things your spouse values, and work together to figure out a solution.

A healthy solution for OP would be:

- Having conversations with his wife about why private school is important to her with a very, very open mind.
- Letting go of his obvious resentment for his wife and view her as an equal partner
- Letting go of his own baggage of outperforming the "Ivies" (who probably never even think about him and may very well have happier marriages and lives than he does). This seems to be the biggest issue, it's not that OP can't afford the school, it's that he has resentment towards people who went to better schools than him.
- Valuing his wife's opinion as equally as his own and acknowledging that she likely has good reasons for wanting their kids in private school.
- Working together to come up with a solution. This could look like many things. Maybe OP's wife goes back to work. Or maybe they figure out other ways they can budget for school, such as downsizing to a smaller home, downsizing their cars, taking fewer vacations, spending less on eating out, etc. On a salary of $500k, there's probably a way to find the $30k for school if you cut out some other things. Or, if OP was planning to retire at 50, realizing that 3 extra years of working until 53 is worth the trade-off. Or OP could look for opportunities to advance his career and make the extra money, if he's interested in developing his career more.

It's clear this is a marriage with a lot of toxicity, but you are excusing the wife's disdainful treatment of OP entirely. She didn't bother to have a respectful conversation with him either. She didn't ask him how he would feel about working an extra three years, she just demanded it. It is remarkably toxic to demand someone else's work like that.

I don't disagree that marriage should not work that way, but you are constructing a narrative where OP is entirely at fault here, and that's clearly not the case.

We have no idea what OP's wife has done or said, because she's not here telling her side.

Regardless, OP is the one here trying to find a solution. If he gets into a power struggle with her and tries to force his decision, it will not help their marriage and will very likely cause more damage.

If he just wants a magic phrase or action to force his wife into submission, well, he's gonna have a difficult marriage and life ahead of him.

If he wants to preserve his marriage and find a solution that works for both of them, then the advice still stands. An open-minded, non-judgmental conversation.

We know that OPs wife has demanded that he work for three more years against his will. That's extremely toxic behavior, and I don't understand why you won't acknowledge that.

Where are you getting that she demanded it? The only thing I can find referencing three years is "Can I afford it? For sure. Does it mean I will work at least 3 more years over this, for sure."

I don't see anything about wife demanding he work.