Tell me about your spouse’s limerent affair…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ Leave him alone and get out of his marriage. Focus on your own. You really need to work on boundaries.

Don't know if you're replying to me, but I'm not involved with a married man. I just get tired of the BS some married people on here spew to assuage their insecurities. And guess what darling she'd be nowhere near his marriage if he didn't want her to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have a horse in this fight but limerence is just a term that refers to those early in the relationship butterflies where you are totally infatuated with the person and feel that your connection is so unique and extraordinary. While it is not particularly healthy, I think that many if not most people have that experience at some point, esp. in their younger years. Most of us realize that it is temporary and not the same thing as love, but many people get confused. OP I’m really sorry that you are in this situation.

And many people refuse to accept that their spouse has fallen in love with someone else or maybe even never loved you and no it doesn't matter that you were together since you were 21 or had kids together or been through WW 3 together. People like to believe in fairy stories when it suits them, and no I'm not involved in an affair.

I am the pp and agree with you. Sometimes people do end up happy with the AP and have long and happy lives with each other.

And sometimes people who married young do truly love one another but did not experience limerence; then one spouse does with a colleague or someone from the gym after 15 years of marriage. I think for some people in this scenario it would be hard to say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ yeah. My husband and I met at 26/25. We are 51/50. We have been through everything together. I know all of his family members, childhood friends, college friends. We have lived abroad, bared our souls, had kids, lost a parent, been through happy and sad and new jobs and bought houses, lost friends, gained friends, watched our kids take their first breath, watched kids’ triumphs and disappointments.

It would be very hard for anyone to claim they knew us better and understood each on a deeper level, that’s limerence talking pp. You were in affair which is not real. FFS. It’s why only 2% of those things make it.

I have been through all those things too with my spouse and so has he. My husband is no slouch intellectually or emotionally and has a really noble character in many ways. But this person's attunement, depth, honestly and relatedness are categorically different and I am different with him. He is not all kindness or perfection and there are ample flaws and complexity there. But he brings out my most loving and generous qualities. Again, reasons we cannot see or speak to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ yeah. My husband and I met at 26/25. We are 51/50. We have been through everything together. I know all of his family members, childhood friends, college friends. We have lived abroad, bared our souls, had kids, lost a parent, been through happy and sad and new jobs and bought houses, lost friends, gained friends, watched our kids take their first breath, watched kids’ triumphs and disappointments.

It would be very hard for anyone to claim they knew us better and understood each on a deeper level, that’s limerence talking pp. You were in affair which is not real. FFS. It’s why only 2% of those things make it.

I have been through all those things too with my spouse and so has he. My husband is no slouch intellectually or emotionally and has a really noble character in many ways. But this person's attunement, depth, honestly and relatedness are categorically different and I am different with him. He is not all kindness or perfection and there are ample flaws and complexity there. But he brings out my most loving and generous qualities. Again, reasons we cannot see or speak to each other.

His honesty ?! HA! He's lying to his wife. He's running around behind her back communicating with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have a horse in this fight but limerence is just a term that refers to those early in the relationship butterflies where you are totally infatuated with the person and feel that your connection is so unique and extraordinary. While it is not particularly healthy, I think that many if not most people have that experience at some point, esp. in their younger years. Most of us realize that it is temporary and not the same thing as love, but many people get confused. OP I’m really sorry that you are in this situation.

And many people refuse to accept that their spouse has fallen in love with someone else or maybe even never loved you and no it doesn't matter that you were together since you were 21 or had kids together or been through WW 3 together. People like to believe in fairy stories when it suits them, and no I'm not involved in an affair.

I am the pp and agree with you. Sometimes people do end up happy with the AP and have long and happy lives with each other.

And sometimes people who married young do truly love one another but did not experience limerence; then one spouse does with a colleague or someone from the gym after 15 years of marriage. I think for some people in this scenario it would be hard to say no.

NP. I had a good marriage, a good, caring spouse. We did marry youngish. And I met somebody at a very low point after about 15 years of this happy marriage. I had never experienced limerence, but I had experienced crushes. For those of you who keep saying limerence is just a crush -- Limerence is something else entirely. And yes it was reciprocated. It evolved from just hormones to actual love. I wish I'd experienced this with my spouse, because it just blew me away. It makes me glow up just thinking about him. Regrets/No regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am someone else’s limerant affair, or was. We stopped it before it blew up everyone’s lives. We correspond sometimes now (nothing X or even R rated) but do not talk or meet. In our case it was a matter of feeling that life with the other person was profoundly deeper, aligned, natural. While apart we are each happy enough in our constructed lives. But when together, even if just communicating, it is something else entirely. We understand each other on a level that ought to only exist in marriage. But we are both married to other people. I have no doubt that if we had met earlier we would have had a very happy life together. As it is we are not friends bc we know we cannot see each other. We are companions. I love him deeply but we will never be together.

With all due respect though, if you actually had created a marriage together though...a real day and day out marriage, with careers, children, sickness, shared money, his extended family, your extended family, mutual networks of friends, a home and all the rest, over DECADES you would see aspects of him that you do not now know. Do you really believe you know him through and through? That it is sealed in time and depth,, never subjected to evolving?? It remains idealized precisely because it is contained. What does, "we understand each other on a level that ought to only exist in marriage" even really mean? I have had male friends I have known deeply for years and male colleagues who know me and understand me in ways my husband does not....deeper ways, because we share a passion for our field. At the same time, I do not presume we should therefore be married or the connection exists like a marriage. We are not married,, that's the reality. Marriages involve all different kind of feelings and connections that evolve and change over time. Ask anyone married long term...even the first decade is often a cakewalk to the challenges that come over time. That's why long term married, yes even happily married people say, "I have had several different marriages." Because it evolves. You have no way of knowing you would have had a happy life together. This is an idea, maybe true maybe not...I would hold it lightly though...there is no way to know any of that, it is the ship that never sailed.

I know this, that there would be competing factors and some distribution of the intensity over time. And of course I don't imagine that that I already know all of him. Rather, even though I know him very intimately already, I am committed to understanding him, however that evolves and unfolds over a lifetime. There has been significant evolution and revolution in my understandig already, but I am committed to the process. I just find him endlessly interesting, whatever that brings.

PP, What you two have is escapism, where you don’t have to endure or put up with any of the mundane day to day stuff with this AP. Your husband pales in comparison and fails to be “endlessly interesting” because you’ve seen him take out the garbage and get sick and lose his temper, maybe cry a little bit, watch tv in his boxers. How is the person you see day in and day out, trying to raise kids and keep the home front afloat, supposed to compare favorably to an AP where all the AP has to do is show up and appear sexy/interesting/intellectual for a few hours at a time and has none of those day to day encumbrances with you? If I were your spouse I’d drop you like a hot potato because you are wasting so much time and energy on a pipe dream instead of focusing on your obligations to the family. You do you PP, but your shirking of responsibilities coupled with investing your time in something that will never pay dividends doesn’t bode well for your family or your own happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have a horse in this fight but limerence is just a term that refers to those early in the relationship butterflies where you are totally infatuated with the person and feel that your connection is so unique and extraordinary. While it is not particularly healthy, I think that many if not most people have that experience at some point, esp. in their younger years. Most of us realize that it is temporary and not the same thing as love, but many people get confused. OP I’m really sorry that you are in this situation.

And many people refuse to accept that their spouse has fallen in love with someone else or maybe even never loved you and no it doesn't matter that you were together since you were 21 or had kids together or been through WW 3 together. People like to believe in fairy stories when it suits them, and no I'm not involved in an affair.

I am the pp and agree with you. Sometimes people do end up happy with the AP and have long and happy lives with each other.

And sometimes people who married young do truly love one another but did not experience limerence; then one spouse does with a colleague or someone from the gym after 15 years of marriage. I think for some people in this scenario it would be hard to say no.

NP. I had a good marriage, a good, caring spouse. We did marry youngish. And I met somebody at a very low point after about 15 years of this happy marriage. I had never experienced limerence, but I had experienced crushes. For those of you who keep saying limerence is just a crush -- Limerence is something else entirely. And yes it was reciprocated. It evolved from just hormones to actual love. I wish I'd experienced this with my spouse, because it just blew me away. It makes me glow up just thinking about him. Regrets/No regrets.

I just had to google the definition of limerence. It’s basically something you call an obsessive crush that makes you feel fancy and swept off your feet rather than what you really are - a cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ yeah. My husband and I met at 26/25. We are 51/50. We have been through everything together. I know all of his family members, childhood friends, college friends. We have lived abroad, bared our souls, had kids, lost a parent, been through happy and sad and new jobs and bought houses, lost friends, gained friends, watched our kids take their first breath, watched kids’ triumphs and disappointments.

It would be very hard for anyone to claim they knew us better and understood each on a deeper level, that’s limerence talking pp. You were in affair which is not real. FFS. It’s why only 2% of those things make it.

I have been through all those things too with my spouse and so has he. My husband is no slouch intellectually or emotionally and has a really noble character in many ways. But this person's attunement, depth, honestly and relatedness are categorically different and I am different with him. He is not all kindness or perfection and there are ample flaws and complexity there. But he brings out my most loving and generous qualities. Again, reasons we cannot see or speak to each other.

Yes. It's called avoiding temptation. People don't do this nearly enough anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ yeah. My husband and I met at 26/25. We are 51/50. We have been through everything together. I know all of his family members, childhood friends, college friends. We have lived abroad, bared our souls, had kids, lost a parent, been through happy and sad and new jobs and bought houses, lost friends, gained friends, watched our kids take their first breath, watched kids’ triumphs and disappointments.

It would be very hard for anyone to claim they knew us better and understood each on a deeper level, that’s limerence talking pp. You were in affair which is not real. FFS. It’s why only 2% of those things make it.

I have been through all those things too with my spouse and so has he. My husband is no slouch intellectually or emotionally and has a really noble character in many ways. But this person's attunement, depth, honestly and relatedness are categorically different and I am different with him. He is not all kindness or perfection and there are ample flaws and complexity there. But he brings out my most loving and generous qualities. Again, reasons we cannot see or speak to each other.

His honesty ?! HA! He's lying to his wife. He's running around behind her back communicating with you.

His wife knows we communicate and that it’s going nowhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ yeah. My husband and I met at 26/25. We are 51/50. We have been through everything together. I know all of his family members, childhood friends, college friends. We have lived abroad, bared our souls, had kids, lost a parent, been through happy and sad and new jobs and bought houses, lost friends, gained friends, watched our kids take their first breath, watched kids’ triumphs and disappointments.

It would be very hard for anyone to claim they knew us better and understood each on a deeper level, that’s limerence talking pp. You were in affair which is not real. FFS. It’s why only 2% of those things make it.

I have been through all those things too with my spouse and so has he. My husband is no slouch intellectually or emotionally and has a really noble character in many ways. But this person's attunement, depth, honestly and relatedness are categorically different and I am different with him. He is not all kindness or perfection and there are ample flaws and complexity there. But he brings out my most loving and generous qualities. Again, reasons we cannot see or speak to each other.

His honesty ?! HA! He's lying to his wife. He's running around behind her back communicating with you.

His wife knows we communicate and that it’s going nowhere.

Wait PP you said earlier you don’t see or speak to each other. Now you say you are, and the wife knows about it (and presumably is doing nothing about it)? I’m having trouble following your narrative. It seems a lot of it is head in the clouds and might not comport with reality. (Like - what wife is going to put up with this crap?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ yeah. My husband and I met at 26/25. We are 51/50. We have been through everything together. I know all of his family members, childhood friends, college friends. We have lived abroad, bared our souls, had kids, lost a parent, been through happy and sad and new jobs and bought houses, lost friends, gained friends, watched our kids take their first breath, watched kids’ triumphs and disappointments.

It would be very hard for anyone to claim they knew us better and understood each on a deeper level, that’s limerence talking pp. You were in affair which is not real. FFS. It’s why only 2% of those things make it.

I have been through all those things too with my spouse and so has he. My husband is no slouch intellectually or emotionally and has a really noble character in many ways. But this person's attunement, depth, honestly and relatedness are categorically different and I am different with him. He is not all kindness or perfection and there are ample flaws and complexity there. But he brings out my most loving and generous qualities. Again, reasons we cannot see or speak to each other.

His honesty ?! HA! He's lying to his wife. He's running around behind her back communicating with you.

His wife knows we communicate and that it’s going nowhere.

How long have you known this person? Months? A year?

[Anonymous]

13 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ yeah. My husband and I met at 26/25. We are 51/50. We have been through everything together. I know all of his family members, childhood friends, college friends. We have lived abroad, bared our souls, had kids, lost a parent, been through happy and sad and new jobs and bought houses, lost friends, gained friends, watched our kids take their first breath, watched kids’ triumphs and disappointments.

It would be very hard for anyone to claim they knew us better and understood each on a deeper level, that’s limerence talking pp. You were in affair which is not real. FFS. It’s why only 2% of those things make it.

I have been through all those things too with my spouse and so has he. My husband is no slouch intellectually or emotionally and has a really noble character in many ways. But this person's attunement, depth, honestly and relatedness are categorically different and I am different with him. He is not all kindness or perfection and there are ample flaws and complexity there. But he brings out my most loving and generous qualities. Again, reasons we cannot see or speak to each other.

His honesty ?! HA! He's lying to his wife. He's running around behind her back communicating with you.

His wife knows we communicate and that it’s going nowhere.

Wait PP you said earlier you don’t see or speak to each other. Now you say you are, and the wife knows about it (and presumably is doing nothing about it)? I’m having trouble following your narrative. It seems a lot of it is head in the clouds and might not comport with reality. (Like - what wife is going to put up with this crap?)

She's a liar. She already told us that. No surprise she is getting her facts mixed up in this thread.

[Anonymous]

There’s no mixup. There’s nothing else going on. We correspond occasionally, nothing happening in real life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s no mixup. There’s nothing else going on. We correspond occasionally, nothing happening in real life.

You never revealed his wife knew that you two were expressing longing and 'connection' in your correspondence.

Face it, you are both lying to your spouses about the connection you are keeping with one another.