Tell me about your spouse’s limerent affair…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the difference between falling in love and limerence?

For DCUM it's the new buzzword, used to convince themselves they can save their marriage, AP is evil and just tricked spouse and spouse could never truly have feelings for AP.

Sorry, Sweetie. It’s not love. He’s not leaving his wife for you.

I'm not having an affair. But just think about what you are saying here, you want to spend the rest o your life with a man who is a cheater, who has zero regard for your emotional or physical safety... You aren't the winner here, sweetie.

My spouse isn’t having an affair. There are plenty of delusional women in limerence.

There is a single woman on this forum that has been in an 8-9 year affair with a married man that keeps saying he loves her so much and is going to leave the wife. It’s been a decade of her life. She could have found someone to commit 100% love to her and only her, had babies, a family, etc. instead she’s wasted her youth. I think there is mental illness involved with these types of things. I mean don’t you want to spend Xmas Eve/Xmas together even? How is that love? It sounds incredibly lonely and very low self-esteem. No single guy ever?

Can't be anymore lonely than the one married to him knowing he's got a side piece but playing happy families for years ots of low self esteem and possibly mental illness there too.

65% of people are having affairs. Many completely clueless (esp in happy marriages with sex and no fighting) have zero clue the spouse is having an affair. It’s like the one on here who had one for 10 years. My girlfriend has been in affairs her entire marriage. She appears to be happy SAHM homemaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the difference between falling in love and limerence?

For DCUM it's the new buzzword, used to convince themselves they can save their marriage, AP is evil and just tricked spouse and spouse could never truly have feelings for AP.

Sorry, Sweetie. It’s not love. He’s not leaving his wife for you.

I'm not having an affair. But just think about what you are saying here, you want to spend the rest o your life with a man who is a cheater, who has zero regard for your emotional or physical safety... You aren't the winner here, sweetie.

My spouse isn’t having an affair. There are plenty of delusional women in limerence.

There is a single woman on this forum that has been in an 8-9 year affair with a married man that keeps saying he loves her so much and is going to leave the wife. It’s been a decade of her life. She could have found someone to commit 100% love to her and only her, had babies, a family, etc. instead she’s wasted her youth. I think there is mental illness involved with these types of things. I mean don’t you want to spend Xmas Eve/Xmas together even? How is that love? It sounds incredibly lonely and very low self-esteem. No single guy ever?

Can't be anymore lonely than the one married to him knowing he's got a side piece but playing happy families for years ots of low self esteem and possibly mental illness there too.

Most don’t know. And she’s got the kids, the house, the family and 99% of his time and attention. Jealousy is on the other side. The person that wants everything she has and has to know he still has sex with her and sleeps next to her every night. The one going on exotic vacations and spending Holidats with him. It’s all mental gymnastics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the difference between falling in love and limerence?

For DCUM it's the new buzzword, used to convince themselves they can save their marriage, AP is evil and just tricked spouse and spouse could never truly have feelings for AP.

Sorry, Sweetie. It’s not love. He’s not leaving his wife for you.

I'm not having an affair. But just think about what you are saying here, you want to spend the rest o your life with a man who is a cheater, who has zero regard for your emotional or physical safety... You aren't the winner here, sweetie.

My spouse isn’t having an affair. There are plenty of delusional women in limerence.

There is a single woman on this forum that has been in an 8-9 year affair with a married man that keeps saying he loves her so much and is going to leave the wife. It’s been a decade of her life. She could have found someone to commit 100% love to her and only her, had babies, a family, etc. instead she’s wasted her youth. I think there is mental illness involved with these types of things. I mean don’t you want to spend Xmas Eve/Xmas together even? How is that love? It sounds incredibly lonely and very low self-esteem. No single guy ever?

Actually, no there isn't such a woman on this forum, because I'm the woman you're referring to and that doesn't describe my situation at all. Which I've told you before, but you're set on this narrative, which says a lot about your own personal insecurities. Yes, 8-year affair, 7 years of which I was married too, and now that I am divorced, he's in the process of separating too. I agree with you that I did waste my youth -- on the wrong guy. I'm so glad I found someone who makes me happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the difference between falling in love and limerence?

For DCUM it's the new buzzword, used to convince themselves they can save their marriage, AP is evil and just tricked spouse and spouse could never truly have feelings for AP.

Sorry, Sweetie. It’s not love. He’s not leaving his wife for you.

I'm not having an affair. But just think about what you are saying here, you want to spend the rest o your life with a man who is a cheater, who has zero regard for your emotional or physical safety... You aren't the winner here, sweetie.

My spouse isn’t having an affair. There are plenty of delusional women in limerence.

There is a single woman on this forum that has been in an 8-9 year affair with a married man that keeps saying he loves her so much and is going to leave the wife. It’s been a decade of her life. She could have found someone to commit 100% love to her and only her, had babies, a family, etc. instead she’s wasted her youth. I think there is mental illness involved with these types of things. I mean don’t you want to spend Xmas Eve/Xmas together even? How is that love? It sounds incredibly lonely and very low self-esteem. No single guy ever?

Actually, no there isn't such a woman on this forum, because I'm the woman you're referring to and that doesn't describe my situation at all. Which I've told you before, but you're set on this narrative, which says a lot about your own personal insecurities. Yes, 8-year affair, 7 years of which I was married too, and now that I am divorced, he's in the process of separating too. I agree with you that I did waste my youth -- on the wrong guy. I'm so glad I found someone who makes me happy.

He’s still “in the process”, I see .

[Anonymous]

I don’t have a horse in this fight but limerence is just a term that refers to those early in the relationship butterflies where you are totally infatuated with the person and feel that your connection is so unique and extraordinary. While it is not particularly healthy, I think that many if not most people have that experience at some point, esp. in their younger years. Most of us realize that it is temporary and not the same thing as love, but many people get confused. OP I’m really sorry that you are in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:7:16 here. So sick of American culture idolizing happiness. Who doesn’t want to be happy? Obviously we all want to feel happy and experience happiness. But there’s no way a marriage that is characterized by responsibilities, demanding work schedules, kids activities etc can compete with the dopamine of an EA. American culture should prioritize sacrifice, not happiness, as worthy of pursuit. DH will never be happy - happiness is circumstantial- he cannot be happy with her while blowing up his marriage & traumatizing his children. Instead of focusing on happiness he should focus on what true love is — sacrifice.

Wow. I agree that “happiness” is naive but this does not sound pleasant. You realize many people want to have great sex and a variety of life experiences/adventures, right?

I agree with the prior poster. The husband here sounds like a total dud. I mean - there is nothing here for him to pine over or consider. He made his vows to his wife, has obligations to his kids, and needs to stick with the program. Why does having the basic decency to honor your promises and obligations even need to be deemed a sacrifice; it should be a given. People can be incredibly selfish. If my DH did me like this I’d kick him to the curb. No way I would tolerate this inexcusable disrespect and pathetic display of self absorption.

[Anonymous]

I am someone else’s limerant affair, or was. We stopped it before it blew up everyone’s lives. We correspond sometimes now (nothing X or even R rated) but do not talk or meet. In our case it was a matter of feeling that life with the other person was profoundly deeper, aligned, natural. While apart we are each happy enough in our constructed lives. But when together, even if just communicating, it is something else entirely. We understand each other on a level that ought to only exist in marriage. But we are both married to other people. I have no doubt that if we had met earlier we would have had a very happy life together. As it is we are not friends bc we know we cannot see each other. We are companions. I love him deeply but we will never be together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am someone else’s limerant affair, or was. We stopped it before it blew up everyone’s lives. We correspond sometimes now (nothing X or even R rated) but do not talk or meet. In our case it was a matter of feeling that life with the other person was profoundly deeper, aligned, natural. While apart we are each happy enough in our constructed lives. But when together, even if just communicating, it is something else entirely. We understand each other on a level that ought to only exist in marriage. But we are both married to other people. I have no doubt that if we had met earlier we would have had a very happy life together. As it is we are not friends bc we know we cannot see each other. We are companions. I love him deeply but we will never be together.

With all due respect though, if you actually had created a marriage together though...a real day and day out marriage, with careers, children, sickness, shared money, his extended family, your extended family, mutual networks of friends, a home and all the rest, over DECADES you would see aspects of him that you do not now know. Do you really believe you know him through and through? That it is sealed in time and depth,, never subjected to evolving?? It remains idealized precisely because it is contained. What does, "we understand each other on a level that ought to only exist in marriage" even really mean? I have had male friends I have known deeply for years and male colleagues who know me and understand me in ways my husband does not....deeper ways, because we share a passion for our field. At the same time, I do not presume we should therefore be married or the connection exists like a marriage. We are not married,, that's the reality. Marriages involve all different kind of feelings and connections that evolve and change over time. Ask anyone married long term...even the first decade is often a cakewalk to the challenges that come over time. That's why long term married, yes even happily married people say, "I have had several different marriages." Because it evolves. You have no way of knowing you would have had a happy life together. This is an idea, maybe true maybe not...I would hold it lightly though...there is no way to know any of that, it is the ship that never sailed.

[Anonymous]

^ yeah. My husband and I met at 26/25. We are 51/50. We have been through everything together. I know all of his family members, childhood friends, college friends. We have lived abroad, bared our souls, had kids, lost a parent, been through happy and sad and new jobs and bought houses, lost friends, gained friends, watched our kids take their first breath, watched kids’ triumphs and disappointments.

It would be very hard for anyone to claim they knew us better and understood each on a deeper level, that’s limerence talking pp. You were in affair which is not real. FFS. It’s why only 2% of those things make it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ yeah. My husband and I met at 26/25. We are 51/50. We have been through everything together. I know all of his family members, childhood friends, college friends. We have lived abroad, bared our souls, had kids, lost a parent, been through happy and sad and new jobs and bought houses, lost friends, gained friends, watched our kids take their first breath, watched kids’ triumphs and disappointments.

It would be very hard for anyone to claim they knew us better and understood each on a deeper level, that’s limerence talking pp. You were in affair which is not real. FFS. It’s why only 2% of those things make it.

+ 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have a horse in this fight but limerence is just a term that refers to those early in the relationship butterflies where you are totally infatuated with the person and feel that your connection is so unique and extraordinary. While it is not particularly healthy, I think that many if not most people have that experience at some point, esp. in their younger years. Most of us realize that it is temporary and not the same thing as love, but many people get confused. OP I’m really sorry that you are in this situation.

And many people refuse to accept that their spouse has fallen in love with someone else or maybe even never loved you and no it doesn't matter that you were together since you were 21 or had kids together or been through WW 3 together. People like to believe in fairy stories when it suits them, and no I'm not involved in an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am someone else’s limerant affair, or was. We stopped it before it blew up everyone’s lives. We correspond sometimes now (nothing X or even R rated) but do not talk or meet. In our case it was a matter of feeling that life with the other person was profoundly deeper, aligned, natural. While apart we are each happy enough in our constructed lives. But when together, even if just communicating, it is something else entirely. We understand each other on a level that ought to only exist in marriage. But we are both married to other people. I have no doubt that if we had met earlier we would have had a very happy life together. As it is we are not friends bc we know we cannot see each other. We are companions. I love him deeply but we will never be together.

With all due respect though, if you actually had created a marriage together though...a real day and day out marriage, with careers, children, sickness, shared money, his extended family, your extended family, mutual networks of friends, a home and all the rest, over DECADES you would see aspects of him that you do not now know. Do you really believe you know him through and through? That it is sealed in time and depth,, never subjected to evolving?? It remains idealized precisely because it is contained. What does, "we understand each other on a level that ought to only exist in marriage" even really mean? I have had male friends I have known deeply for years and male colleagues who know me and understand me in ways my husband does not....deeper ways, because we share a passion for our field. At the same time, I do not presume we should therefore be married or the connection exists like a marriage. We are not married,, that's the reality. Marriages involve all different kind of feelings and connections that evolve and change over time. Ask anyone married long term...even the first decade is often a cakewalk to the challenges that come over time. That's why long term married, yes even happily married people say, "I have had several different marriages." Because it evolves. You have no way of knowing you would have had a happy life together. This is an idea, maybe true maybe not...I would hold it lightly though...there is no way to know any of that, it is the ship that never sailed.

I know this, that there would be competing factors and some distribution of the intensity over time. And of course I don't imagine that that I already know all of him. Rather, even though I know him very intimately already, I am committed to understanding him, however that evolves and unfolds over a lifetime. There has been significant evolution and revolution in my understandig already, but I am committed to the process. I just find him endlessly interesting, whatever that brings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ yeah. My husband and I met at 26/25. We are 51/50. We have been through everything together. I know all of his family members, childhood friends, college friends. We have lived abroad, bared our souls, had kids, lost a parent, been through happy and sad and new jobs and bought houses, lost friends, gained friends, watched our kids take their first breath, watched kids’ triumphs and disappointments.

It would be very hard for anyone to claim they knew us better and understood each on a deeper level, that’s limerence talking pp. You were in affair which is not real. FFS. It’s why only 2% of those things make it.

+ 1

With all due respect this is your insecurity talking. You have no idea what that relationship is like, we have examples every day of people who have been married for years and don't know their spouses at all and stay together for years out of convenience not some deep connection. or knowing each other on a deeper level. Come off it!

[Anonymous]

^ Leave him alone and get out of his marriage. Focus on your own. You really need to work on boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell me about how you started an affair because your spouse was driving you nuts using big words you always had to look up.

Lol!
OP, why didn’t you explain it using a word or phrase that you knew people would understand? Are you showing off or what’s the story there?

Because it's the trendy new thing to diagnose your spouse with on DCUM, like narcissism and ADHD or Asperger's instead of just saying they're married to an asshole.