Tell me about your spouse’s limerent affair…

[Anonymous]

People can be in love with two people at one time. It’s not uncommon and after being with a partner for a long time and after dealing with the issues of marriage. Sure, one idealizes the crush but also, a need is not being fulfilled in the current partnership/marriage. Individuals have so many needs that evolve over the course of a lifetime… intellectual, sexual, physical activity, variety of experiences, just to name a few. Personally, I see so many unhappy people… why would you want someone to live their short lives so unfulfilled and unhappy just because you are not? If you want to stay in the marriage, talk to them and work something out. Learn and grow from this and examine your own life. Stop playing the victim.

[Anonymous]

PP I have tried to work things out. Listened with sympathy and empathy. Obtained resources for him - counseling, books. Suggested he take a solo trip to clear his mind. Took care of him when he got sick recently. He’s literally in love with her and has feelings of love for me. What do you do when your DH has given his heart away? I am trying to figure that out.

[Anonymous]

7:16 here. So sick of American culture idolizing happiness. Who doesn’t want to be happy? Obviously we all want to feel happy and experience happiness. But there’s no way a marriage that is characterized by responsibilities, demanding work schedules, kids activities etc can compete with the dopamine of an EA. American culture should prioritize sacrifice, not happiness, as worthy of pursuit. DH will never be happy - happiness is circumstantial- he cannot be happy with her while blowing up his marriage & traumatizing his children. Instead of focusing on happiness he should focus on what true love is — sacrifice.

[Anonymous]

7:16 again. Anyone want to talk about the gaslighting that’s part of a limerance EA? When you ask your DH about the friendship, keep getting reassurance that it’s just a friendship, just like brother and sister. Just friends. Stop being paranoid. Just friends. When you warn them to maintain boundaries and DH blows that off. Until you randomly ask about that friend, hey, how’s Larla? And DH says I’m in love with her and want to be with her, and can we work on an amicable non litigious divorce? Because you know we don’t have to hurt each other, why do you want to hurt me by lawyering up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP I have tried to work things out. Listened with sympathy and empathy. Obtained resources for him - counseling, books. Suggested he take a solo trip to clear his mind. Took care of him when he got sick recently. He’s literally in love with her and has feelings of love for me. What do you do when your DH has given his heart away? I am trying to figure that out.

Work on yourself and stop focusing on him. Go to the gym, pick up a new hobby, gain confidence. Have new experiences without him. When you gain confidence you will be happier. You will attract positive, like-minded people. You will reclaim yourself and grow. Get a guy friend—you don’t have to sleep with them- try to remember what it was like to have fun, be desired, capture the feeling of life and possibility. That’s what he’s chasing. Get a taste of it yourself but keep the marriage intact, for now. He may be your true blue, who knows. But he’s not responsible for your happiness- you are. So go out and find what makes you happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:7:16 again. Anyone want to talk about the gaslighting that’s part of a limerance EA? When you ask your DH about the friendship, keep getting reassurance that it’s just a friendship, just like brother and sister. Just friends. Stop being paranoid. Just friends. When you warn them to maintain boundaries and DH blows that off. Until you randomly ask about that friend, hey, how’s Larla? And DH says I’m in love with her and want to be with her, and can we work on an amicable non litigious divorce? Because you know we don’t have to hurt each other, why do you want to hurt me by lawyering up?

I'm going to be very clear: Gaslighting is abusive behavior and you don't have to participate in it. Stop trying to be the good guy here. Get a lawyer, secure your future and the future of your kids, and let your ex-partner ruin their life (or not) however they want.

This situation cannot be saved, and your path forward needs to be clear-eyed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP I have tried to work things out. Listened with sympathy and empathy. Obtained resources for him - counseling, books. Suggested he take a solo trip to clear his mind. Took care of him when he got sick recently. He’s literally in love with her and has feelings of love for me. What do you do when your DH has given his heart away? I am trying to figure that out.

Is the OW married herself? Does she want t him to leave his family for her? I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve that s**t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:7:16 here. So sick of American culture idolizing happiness. Who doesn’t want to be happy? Obviously we all want to feel happy and experience happiness. But there’s no way a marriage that is characterized by responsibilities, demanding work schedules, kids activities etc can compete with the dopamine of an EA. American culture should prioritize sacrifice, not happiness, as worthy of pursuit. DH will never be happy - happiness is circumstantial- he cannot be happy with her while blowing up his marriage & traumatizing his children. Instead of focusing on happiness he should focus on what true love is — sacrifice.

Wow. I agree that “happiness” is naive but this does not sound pleasant. You realize many people want to have great sex and a variety of life experiences/adventures, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Limerence? It’s a brief and passing crush and if you don’t act on it no problem.

I thought it required reciprocation. A brief and passing crush is a fantasy. Limerence takes two to tango.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've only seen this word limerance on dcum, and I don't understand its usage. (Or maybe l do lol.) It seems like the cheated-upon use it to downplay the severity of their spouse's affair. Or someone who wants to get over someone tells herself her feelings aren't real, they're just limerance. As if it's a clinical condition with no basis in real emotions.

IMO, limerance is another word for crush...and ALL romantic relationships start with a crush. So why differentiate, OP? Either their relationship will stand the test of time or it won't, but it is a relationship, and your partner is choosing to have that relationship with someone else. That is all that matters.

No, limerence describes a state of mind during a set of actions — so it’s more than a crush. A crush is “oh, I think the pool boy is hot and maybe I will daydream of becoming Mrs. Pool Boy.”

Limerence is going out of your way to try to seduce the pool boy, who is returning the interest on some way. It’s carrying on in that manner with no regard for your actual life responsibilities, believing you won’t get caught, engaging in revisionist history about your existing relationship to create unfavorable comparisons with the pool boy. It’s infatuation plus some kind of action and usually there is reciprocation of some sort, even if not physical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've only seen this word limerance on dcum, and I don't understand its usage. (Or maybe l do lol.) It seems like the cheated-upon use it to downplay the severity of their spouse's affair. Or someone who wants to get over someone tells herself her feelings aren't real, they're just limerance. As if it's a clinical condition with no basis in real emotions.

IMO, limerance is another word for crush...and ALL romantic relationships start with a crush. So why differentiate, OP? Either their relationship will stand the test of time or it won't, but it is a relationship, and your partner is choosing to have that relationship with someone else. That is all that matters.

There is often a lot of fantasy in limerance, I think it is like a crush first and then intensifies (and then ppropels eventual sexual affair behavior). It seems to me to just mark a certain early phase of a type of affair, an emotional affair that may turn sexual. A crush seems more mild, in limerance the gears are turning, the adrenaline is firing, the love hormones are flooding and the secrecy is building. It's more intense than a crush. And more active typically. Just my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Limerent no clue what this means.

+1

OP is a narcissist and is throwing out a big word to show his superiority over us all.

OP misspelled the big word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:7:16 again. Anyone want to talk about the gaslighting that’s part of a limerance EA? When you ask your DH about the friendship, keep getting reassurance that it’s just a friendship, just like brother and sister. Just friends. Stop being paranoid. Just friends. When you warn them to maintain boundaries and DH blows that off. Until you randomly ask about that friend, hey, how’s Larla? And DH says I’m in love with her and want to be with her, and can we work on an amicable non litigious divorce? Because you know we don’t have to hurt each other, why do you want to hurt me by lawyering up?

The funny thing is the gaslighting only works so long.

You described my ex to a T. She actually thought I was an idiot. In her state of limerance, she evidently forgot I am an investigator.

We are divorced now. She gets no alimony because adultery is a crime on Virginia. Married 18 years. My salary is $250,000 a year, she tried to avoid working so has nothing. I would have owed her heaps of alimony if she hadn’t behaved in that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP I have tried to work things out. Listened with sympathy and empathy. Obtained resources for him - counseling, books. Suggested he take a solo trip to clear his mind. Took care of him when he got sick recently. He’s literally in love with her and has feelings of love for me. What do you do when your DH has given his heart away? I am trying to figure that out.

Is the OW married herself? Does she want t him to leave his family for her? I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve that s**t.

Yep, OW is married & is in the process of getting a divorce.

I confronted OW and begged her to leave us alone for a period of time so we can work on our marriage. We need time to sort out our issues. She sweetly apologized, said I have every right to be angry and upset, that I didn’t deserve this. But she refused to leave us alone, kept texting DH. Has no problem trying to take him away. She feels entitled to him due to the intensity of the EA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've only seen this word limerance on dcum, and I don't understand its usage. (Or maybe l do lol.) It seems like the cheated-upon use it to downplay the severity of their spouse's affair. Or someone who wants to get over someone tells herself her feelings aren't real, they're just limerance. As if it's a clinical condition with no basis in real emotions.

IMO, limerance is another word for crush...and ALL romantic relationships start with a crush. So why differentiate, OP? Either their relationship will stand the test of time or it won't, but it is a relationship, and your partner is choosing to have that relationship with someone else. That is all that matters.

No, limerence describes a state of mind during a set of actions — so it’s more than a crush. A crush is “oh, I think the pool boy is hot and maybe I will daydream of becoming Mrs. Pool Boy.”

Limerence is going out of your way to try to seduce the pool boy, who is returning the interest on some way. It’s carrying on in that manner with no regard for your actual life responsibilities, believing you won’t get caught, engaging in revisionist history about your existing relationship to create unfavorable comparisons with the pool boy. It’s infatuation plus some kind of action and usually there is reciprocation of some sort, even if not physical.

Right. It's like an addiction, and there's a willingness to let everything else burn to the ground around you for it. My XH lost his job, his marriage, and any sort of normal relationship with his kids all to make the AP happy. He would feign work emergencies and leave the kids (who were preK aged at the time) at daycare just to get 15 more minutes with the AP. He got into a fistfight with his own brother when my former BIL told him he was behaving like a crazy person. He cut his best friend out of his life because the AP didn't like this guy that my XH had been friends with since babyhood. It was like watching the Hindenberg go down, as my ex just set his entire life and support structure on fire for this woman.

I'm not sharing this to let my XH off the hook - he made a series of deliberate and considered choices that led to that all-encompassing infatuation. His AP wasn't some sort of temptress or witch. She was just a normal person who may even have wondered what she got herself into. He could have stepped off that conveyer belt at any point before it hit a crisis point. But the folks talking about "crushes" are overlooking just how insane some folks behave while in the midst of these types of feelings.