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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am someone else’s limerant affair, or was. We stopped it before it blew up everyone’s lives. We correspond sometimes now (nothing X or even R rated) but do not talk or meet. In our case it was a matter of feeling that life with the other person was profoundly deeper, aligned, natural. While apart we are each happy enough in our constructed lives. But when together, even if just communicating, it is something else entirely. We understand each other on a level that ought to only exist in marriage. But we are both married to other people. I have no doubt that if we had met earlier we would have had a very happy life together. As it is we are not friends bc we know we cannot see each other. We are companions. I love him deeply but we will never be together.[/quote]

With all due respect though,  if you actually had created  a marriage together though...a real day and day out marriage, with careers, children, sickness, shared money, his extended family, your extended family, mutual networks of friends, a home and all the rest, over DECADES you would see aspects of him that you do not now know. Do you really believe you know him through and through?  That it is sealed in time and depth,, never subjected to evolving?? It remains idealized precisely because it is contained. What does, "we understand each other on a level that ought to only exist in marriage" even really mean? I have had male friends I have known deeply for years and male colleagues who know me and understand me in ways my husband does not....deeper ways, because we share a passion for our field. At the same time, I do not presume we should therefore be married or the connection exists like a marriage. We are not married,, that's the reality. Marriages involve all different kind of feelings and connections that evolve and change over time. Ask anyone married long term...even the first decade is often a cakewalk to the challenges that come over time. That's why long term married, yes even happily married people say, "I have had several different marriages." Because it evolves. You have no way of knowing you would have had a happy life together. This is an idea, maybe true maybe not...I would hold it lightly though...there is no way to know any of that, it is the ship that never sailed. [/quote]

I know this, that there would be competing factors and some distribution of the intensity over time. And of course I don't imagine that that I already know all of him. Rather, even though I know him very intimately already, I am committed to understanding him, however that evolves and unfolds over a lifetime. There has been significant evolution and revolution in my understandig already, but I am committed to the process. I just find him endlessly interesting, whatever that brings.[/quote]

PP, What you two have is escapism, where you don’t have to endure or put up with any of the mundane day to day stuff with this AP.  Your husband pales in comparison and fails to be “endlessly interesting” because you’ve seen him take out the garbage and get sick and lose his temper, maybe cry a little bit, watch tv in his boxers.   How is the person you see day in and day out, trying to raise kids and keep the home front afloat, supposed to compare favorably to an AP where all the AP has to do is show up and appear sexy/interesting/intellectual for a few hours at a time and has none of those day to day encumbrances with you?  If I were your spouse I’d drop you like a hot potato because you are wasting so much time and energy on a pipe dream instead of focusing on your obligations to the family.  You do you PP, but your shirking of responsibilities coupled with investing your time in something that will never pay dividends doesn’t bode well for your family or your own happiness. [/quote]

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