DH shoved me to the floor while screaming shut your f’ing mouth…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:…and my therapist knows, and we went to marriage counseling and that psychologist knows. And I talked to a lawyer, who told me to get a restraining order, so I talked to the magistrate and she said she can’t do anything because I didn’t call the police at the time, and to call the police *the next time it happens.* And some of my family know, and his parents know, and a neighbor knows, and some mutual friends know, and my close friends know. And it happened a while ago. And I gave up on making plans to leave him and everyone knows that too, and nobody is particularly appalled that we continue to soldier on as a married couple, and many people tell me, well, at least he loves you, divorce with kids will be worse, or per the marriage counselor, you have to do a better job of connecting and soften your tone around him.

Yet I come on DCUM and people are immediately shrieking “divorce now!!” if someone is so much as verbally abusive or raises a hand in a threatening manner.

I just get the sense that there’s the people on DCUM who are profoundly sheltered and then there’s the therapists, marriage counselors, magistrates, police and attorneys who are like, shrug.

No OP.

You are right those people don't care. But that doesn't mean they should not.

DH put his hand on you. Divorce is the best option period.

1. kids growing up with violence in the home. Really you want that for your kids to witness over and over again walking on eggshells daily?
2. No one deserves to be treated that way.
3. You are a sucky parent if you stay. Risking your kids mental health and possibly DH turning on them one day.
4. there are tons of organizations to help you .
5. Police can press charges without you and they will in many cases.

Oh good we have another Trumper wanting handmaid tales to come true.

[Anonymous]

I agree that people on DCUM are incredibly sheltered. They assume that there is a better situation possible for any woman in this kind of abusive marriage. It’s definitely not true.

[Anonymous]

Why didn't your attorney handle the restraining order? They make the client go and file it themselves? Really?

[Anonymous]

Why should they care more than you do?

[Anonymous]

Don’t accept the victimhood he has thrust upon you, OP. Get a divorce as you now know he’s a violent abuser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that people on DCUM are incredibly sheltered. They assume that there is a better situation possible for any woman in this kind of abusive marriage. It’s definitely not true.

It's true. It's just not always easy. IT might mean giving up a glamorous life but yes it's better than being abused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:…and my therapist knows, and we went to marriage counseling and that psychologist knows. And I talked to a lawyer, who told me to get a restraining order, so I talked to the magistrate and she said she can’t do anything because I didn’t call the police at the time, and to call the police *the next time it happens.* And some of my family know, and his parents know, and a neighbor knows, and some mutual friends know, and my close friends know. And it happened a while ago. And I gave up on making plans to leave him and everyone knows that too, and nobody is particularly appalled that we continue to soldier on as a married couple, and many people tell me, well, at least he loves you, divorce with kids will be worse, or per the marriage counselor, you have to do a better job of connecting and soften your tone around him.

Yet I come on DCUM and people are immediately shrieking “divorce now!!” if someone is so much as verbally abusive or raises a hand in a threatening manner.

I just get the sense that there’s the people on DCUM who are profoundly sheltered and then there’s the therapists, marriage counselors, magistrates, police and attorneys who are like, shrug.

Just some thoughts:

1. The vast majority of marriage counselors are not equipped to handle abuse. Generally they view their client as the marriage, not either party, and do what they can to save the marriage. It has been shown that counseling does not work for abusive relationships - like ever - the only thing that can work (and rarely does) is individual and/or group counseling for the abuser. The sad fact is that abusers almost never change, even with professional help. Your counselor either doesn't understand abuse, or knows there is very little she can do and is trying to help you avoid getting abused further or pissing your H off so that he forbids you from coming to counseling.

2. My two best friends both have abusive husbands. I was supportive of their choices, but never told them they should leave, because I knew as soon as their husbands saw me as a threat they would forbid their wives from seeing me. In fact, that's exactly what one did, I did not see or hear from my friend for months (more on that story below). It's likely they will be supportive if you choose to leave and will help you out. It's also possible they just don't have much experience with abuse and don't know exactly how to respond.

Although it is also possible they're just asshats. My xH was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive, and all our mutual friends sided with him because he's extremely manipulative and charming. Even my own family sided with him for a long time, until they eventually saw him for who he was. You need to make decisions that are best for YOU, not based on what friends and family think.

3. You absolutely need to call the police next time. I don't know if they really believe it's "shrug", but they understand there's not much they can do unless there is police involvement during the incident.

These things usually escalate over time. The friend I mentioned earlier had an H that would hit her, and eventually it escalated to him trying to murder her multiple times in front of their children. The police were involved at that point at said it was the worst case of domestic violence they'd ever seen (there's more to the story, it was horrifying). It is much safer for you to leave now, then when it gets to the point that he will be willing to kill you.

4. Love does not hurt. Period. If he is violent with you, he does not love you. And divorce is a million times better for children than living in a home with violence, especially since that violence will likely be turned against them one day.

Good luck with everything. I hope things work out for you.

[Anonymous]

You’re putting your friends and family in an impossible situation by staying.

My boss told me about physical abuse of a boyfriend. She held the apartment lease in her name, he was a waiter. She had a 150K job and it was her apartment, she had savings. I even offered to let her move in with me for a few months so he could stay there until the lease was up in three months to make a clean, contactless break. Literally offered her my home.

She chose to stay with him. Even moved to a new city with him. And had the audacity to send me their Christmas card.

I told her to leave and offered her my home, money, etc. I’m sure your friends and family could say the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine a marriage counselor not urging you to leave him. I have a friend who was shoved by her husband and their counselor told her that violence usually only escalates and she should get out.

agree.
you need a new therapist - one experienced with domestic abuse and trauma.
You also need to talk with lawyers experienced with the same. I found more were women who sought to keep me and the children safe. The male lawyers just rattled off statistics, never accounting for dealing with a high conflict abusive narc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:…and my therapist knows, and we went to marriage counseling and that psychologist knows. And I talked to a lawyer, who told me to get a restraining order, so I talked to the magistrate and she said she can’t do anything because I didn’t call the police at the time, and to call the police *the next time it happens.* And some of my family know, and his parents know, and a neighbor knows, and some mutual friends know, and my close friends know. And it happened a while ago. And I gave up on making plans to leave him and everyone knows that too, and nobody is particularly appalled that we continue to soldier on as a married couple, and many people tell me, well, at least he loves you, divorce with kids will be worse, or per the marriage counselor, you have to do a better job of connecting and soften your tone around him.

Yet I come on DCUM and people are immediately shrieking “divorce now!!” if someone is so much as verbally abusive or raises a hand in a threatening manner.

I just get the sense that there’s the people on DCUM who are profoundly sheltered and then there’s the therapists, marriage counselors, magistrates, police and attorneys who are like, shrug.

Just some thoughts:

1. The vast majority of marriage counselors are not equipped to handle abuse. Generally they view their client as the marriage, not either party, and do what they can to save the marriage. It has been shown that counseling does not work for abusive relationships - like ever - the only thing that can work (and rarely does) is individual and/or group counseling for the abuser. The sad fact is that abusers almost never change, even with professional help. Your counselor either doesn't understand abuse, or knows there is very little she can do and is trying to help you avoid getting abused further or pissing your H off so that he forbids you from coming to counseling.

2. My two best friends both have abusive husbands. I was supportive of their choices, but never told them they should leave, because I knew as soon as their husbands saw me as a threat they would forbid their wives from seeing me. In fact, that's exactly what one did, I did not see or hear from my friend for months (more on that story below). It's likely they will be supportive if you choose to leave and will help you out. It's also possible they just don't have much experience with abuse and don't know exactly how to respond.

Although it is also possible they're just asshats. My xH was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive, and all our mutual friends sided with him because he's extremely manipulative and charming. Even my own family sided with him for a long time, until they eventually saw him for who he was. You need to make decisions that are best for YOU, not based on what friends and family think.

3. You absolutely need to call the police next time. I don't know if they really believe it's "shrug", but they understand there's not much they can do unless there is police involvement during the incident.

These things usually escalate over time. The friend I mentioned earlier had an H that would hit her, and eventually it escalated to him trying to murder her multiple times in front of their children. The police were involved at that point at said it was the worst case of domestic violence they'd ever seen (there's more to the story, it was horrifying). It is much safer for you to leave now, then when it gets to the point that he will be willing to kill you.

4. Love does not hurt. Period. If he is violent with you, he does not love you. And divorce is a million times better for children than living in a home with violence, especially since that violence will likely be turned against them one day.

Good luck with everything. I hope things work out for you.

Also, while shoving someone down is obviously reprehensible, in a discussion of physical abuse in a marriage it is minimal.

If you go to the police and say "someone shoved me down," what do you really expect them to do? Drop everything to investigate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why should they care more than you do?

This, kind of. I might feel strongly that my friend should leave, but if she says she doesn't want to or seems uninterested in taking actual steps ... what do I do? Nag her about it? Potentially put myself in harms way by pushing her to leave? It has to come from her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine a marriage counselor not urging you to leave him. I have a friend who was shoved by her husband and their counselor told her that violence usually only escalates and she should get out.

Unfortunately, I can. I know someone who was given this type of advice by a church marriage counselor. Given what OP says the counselor told her how to relate to her husband, I suspect it's this type of counselor.

[Anonymous]

Divorce. Immediately.

[Anonymous]

I know wives who got shoved and haven't been murdered.

I don't think it is always a bus ride to hell.

Maybe the key is in knowing, am I constantly scared of this guy? Because some couples I know, that's not the case, and maybe the marriage is not perfect but some other factors are there, like alcohol, on one or both sides, or the abuse is actually on both sides, or stress or something. AnywY the poibt is, I don't think it is always the classic abusive DH case all the time.

[Anonymous]

Profoundly sheltered? I'm divorced and raised my kids alone for the last 12 years. I had an infant when I asked him to leave.

Nothing is worth staying with an abusive partner. Nothing. And it's terrible for your children.

People knew about Nicole Brown Simpson too.

GET OUT while you can.