DH shoved me to the floor while screaming shut your f’ing mouth…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I am miserable in my marriage a huge amount of the time, and I have the means to leave.

I didn’t call the cops because I didn’t want to put my kids through the experience of being interrogated about what they saw and feeling responsible for putting their dad in handcuffs based on what they said.

I guess my point is that things are not black and white when I talk about what happened IRL, but here, anonymously, everyone acts like it’s so black and white. IRL, the consensus is “stick it out” or “work on your own issues” which is just so different from the advice here about physical abuse.

Sorry, but there is only ONE right piece of advice for someone in your situation. It IS black and white. How to leave may not be, but whether to leave IS.

You are either listening selectively or seeking advice selectively. No qualified counsellor would say "work on your issues" when you are being physically and emotionally confused.

When you picture what will happen your children when/if the police come, you are again being selective. Their OTHER option is to keep witnessing violence and abuse against someone they love. Fear of someone who is supposed to protect them. Really unhealthy dynamics between family members who are their role models for what love looks like. Their lifetimes may be full of that VERSUS one night of seeing public safety officers stopping a violent man from hurting the person they love. You could model what it looks like for a healthy adult to use community resources, so that she and her children are proteced.

Your thinking is VERY distorted. Probably because of your own family or origin or how your partner has manipulated you.

A brief episode of legal intervention, that frees your children from growing up in an abusive family (with all of the lifelong ramifactions that have been described on this thread) is ACTUALLY like winning a lottery. Please search for some healthy instrinct in yourself, enough courage to ask for help (from QUALIFIED professionals). You could be saving your children from a lifetime of being broken.

This is all very correct. Look at it this way. Even if you love DH with all of your heart and he is the one and this was meant to be and you are still wild about him ---- even if all that was true --- you have to get out. It may break your heart but studies have shown that physical violence escalates. Maybe it won't with him but you cannot at all in any way know that. The odds say escalate. You need to be ahead of that.

OP, PPs are correct when they say your thinking is distorted. One thing I learned when I was in an abusive relationship was that I had NO good choices, ie. the good and loving relationship I thought I had and sometimes still glimpsed amidst the abuse - that was a mirage, not reality. I could only evaluate what was the least bad choice that would allow me to eventually create a healthy space for myself and my kids. I was crazy about my husband, and I loved the life we had. For reasons that are too self-identifying, leaving him also meant blowing up my professional life, in which I was successful, highly (and expensively) trained and had acquired prestigious connections and experience.

Because of the abusive cycle (google it), when DH was in the calm or honeymoon phase, I truly hoped he could change. But, it’s a cycle, so the tension and explosive phases always return. This is true whether the abuse is physical or emotional or verbal.

[Anonymous]

The therapists, marriage counselors, magistrates, police and attorneys are only useful if you want to change your circumstances.
Therapists are there to help you accept your decisions.
Marriage counselors are there to help those who want to work on their marriage.
Magistrates, police and attorneys are there to enforce the law when someone wants it enforced.
If you insist on staying in the relationship, there is nothing they can do.

It sounds like OP blabbed and told every single person in her orbit expecting them to do something to change her situation. It is frankly a judgment on herself that she advertised her willingness to accept the violence as status quo in her marriage.

[Anonymous]

Getting a restraining order is pretty easy for a women so I am not sure why the m magistrate didn't give it to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I am miserable in my marriage a huge amount of the time, and I have the means to leave.

I didn’t call the cops because I didn’t want to put my kids through the experience of being interrogated about what they saw and feeling responsible for putting their dad in handcuffs based on what they said.

I guess my point is that things are not black and white when I talk about what happened IRL, but here, anonymously, everyone acts like it’s so black and white. IRL, the consensus is “stick it out” or “work on your own issues” which is just so different from the advice here about physical abuse.

OP, I’m a man who has been in your situation. I’m in the midst of divorcing my mentally ill wife because of her abuse of me and my children. I just went through a year of photos where I have a black eye, a bleeding face and broken glasses. Not worth it. Please leave your husband your physical and mental health.

PP, it is commendable that you are coming forward and saying this. A lot of victims of any gender don't come forward. especially, men, who would never report that they get beat up by their wives or GFs. A very big shame factor for them.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have to read anything other than the title. It’s over. Go

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine a marriage counselor not urging you to leave him. I have a friend who was shoved by her husband and their counselor told her that violence usually only escalates and she should get out.

agree.
you need a new therapist - one experienced with domestic abuse and trauma.
You also need to talk with lawyers experienced with the same. I found more were women who sought to keep me and the children safe. The male lawyers just rattled off statistics, never accounting for dealing with a high conflict abusive narc.

Most of the therapists are useless in this case and most just continue to work with the victim and milk years of therapy fees.

[Anonymous]

Op, any reason magistrate/judge refused to give you a restraining order. Did you go with your lawyer?

[Anonymous]

OP, you like the drama
otherwise you would have left him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re putting your friends and family in an impossible situation by staying.

My boss told me about physical abuse of a boyfriend. She held the apartment lease in her name, he was a waiter. She had a 150K job and it was her apartment, she had savings. I even offered to let her move in with me for a few months so he could stay there until the lease was up in three months to make a clean, contactless break. Literally offered her my home.

She chose to stay with him. Even moved to a new city with him. And had the audacity to send me their Christmas card.

I told her to leave and offered her my home, money, etc. I’m sure your friends and family could say the same.

NP, and I would add that, once you make it clear that you aren't going to leave him, they might be saying those things about how it's for the best because they think it's pointless to say otherwise (and might risk further isolating you), so they are trying to support you in the decision you've made.

Exactly this. I’m the PP you’re responding to, and I do try to stay “neutral” and keep the lines of communication open, because my former boss has very few friends/family members (she tends to blow up relationships) and I want her to at least keep me in mind as someone she can ask for help in the future. So I don’t play into her social media posts about the flowers he bought for her birthday, but I don’t push her too hard or needle her because I don’t want her to shut me out completely (I suspect this is why she blows up relationships with her college best friend, her sister, etc.)

[Anonymous]

Quit waiting for someone else to tell you what to do.

[Anonymous]

It is not a black and white question as to whether to leave a marriage because somebody shoved you one time. People love to grandstand on the internet about this, but it’s not so simple. Only she knows the full story of their relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, any reason magistrate/judge refused to give you a restraining order. Did you go with your lawyer?

Temp or permanent? Big difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is not a black and white question as to whether to leave a marriage because somebody shoved you one time. People love to grandstand on the internet about this, but it’s not so simple. Only she knows the full story of their relationship

This. Plenty of people are quick to judge and make lifelong decisions that only OP and her kids will have to live with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I am miserable in my marriage a huge amount of the time, and I have the means to leave.

I didn’t call the cops because I didn’t want to put my kids through the experience of being interrogated about what they saw and feeling responsible for putting their dad in handcuffs based on what they said.

I guess my point is that things are not black and white when I talk about what happened IRL, but here, anonymously, everyone acts like it’s so black and white. IRL, the consensus is “stick it out” or “work on your own issues” which is just so different from the advice here about physical abuse.

OP, I understand. My husband isn’t physical in any way but he does have anger issues. The problem is, everyone screams to leave him, they all have nothing to say when I retort, “Okay, so would you want to leave your kids alone with him for days at a time?” because that is essentially what “leave him” means. 50/50 custody. So yes, you now are away from him but your kids are not as they will have to be with him for 50% of the time. He will now have added stress to care for and discipline them without you around. THIS is why most women stay, at least until the kids are grown and off to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not a black and white question as to whether to leave a marriage because somebody shoved you one time. People love to grandstand on the internet about this, but it’s not so simple. Only she knows the full story of their relationship

This. Plenty of people are quick to judge and make lifelong decisions that only OP and her kids will have to live with.

But OP is complaining that no one is sufficiently sympathetic to her. If it's really so gray, and she's not going to leave, then why should anyone else be more upset than she is?