DH shoved me to the floor while screaming shut your f’ing mouth…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should they care more than you do?

This, kind of. I might feel strongly that my friend should leave, but if she says she doesn't want to or seems uninterested in taking actual steps ... what do I do? Nag her about it? Potentially put myself in harms way by pushing her to leave? It has to come from her.

OP wants to ay the victim and no one is giving her the role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that people on DCUM are incredibly sheltered. They assume that there is a better situation possible for any woman in this kind of abusive marriage. It’s definitely not true.

I think it's that a lot women on DCUM are high enough earners that the economic cost of leaving is manageable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:…and my therapist knows, and we went to marriage counseling and that psychologist knows. And I talked to a lawyer, who told me to get a restraining order, so I talked to the magistrate and she said she can’t do anything because I didn’t call the police at the time, and to call the police *the next time it happens.* And some of my family know, and his parents know, and a neighbor knows, and some mutual friends know, and my close friends know. And it happened a while ago. And I gave up on making plans to leave him and everyone knows that too, and nobody is particularly appalled that we continue to soldier on as a married couple, and many people tell me, well, at least he loves you, divorce with kids will be worse, or per the marriage counselor, you have to do a better job of connecting and soften your tone around him.

Yet I come on DCUM and people are immediately shrieking “divorce now!!” if someone is so much as verbally abusive or raises a hand in a threatening manner.

I just get the sense that there’s the people on DCUM who are profoundly sheltered and then there’s the therapists, marriage counselors, magistrates, police and attorneys who are like, shrug.

The next time could leave you dead. Work on your plan to leave this relationship. The one time I would always advise anyone to leave a marriage is when it’s physically abusive. Also, if you have kids you don’t want to expose them to this...it really does a number on them.

[Anonymous]

Another theory would be a lot of women on DCUM love their children too much to imagine raising them thinking a father who throws their mother on the floor and screams at her is normal.

I’m sorry you didn’t get the support in real life that another woman got online, but I know that the times I have been encountered with this in person, I have given the same degree of support. One person left. Another didn’t. It wasn’t because the people in her life were sheltered, it was because she didn’t (doesn’t) yet have the courage.

[Anonymous]

I know at least 3 couples in limbo. The wives are my close friends. The men have at least acknowledged the situation to me in some way, with excuses. The women stay. Because of money, kids, love, security, some combination. I wonder what will happen in the next 10-15 years. I can't do anything more than say what I said when she called me crying. What can I do, other than be a friend. I put myself through it for my bff many years ago. It turned out that while he was a psychopath, she was a drug addict and had been lying to me. She is OK now but it broke my heart. She put me through some bad situations.

[Anonymous]

I would say what are you willing to put up with, how does it affect your happiness and self esteem? If you have kids, you don't want them seeing that as a role model of how a relationship should be. It could be worse, but that's not the way you should be treated. Your husband should treat you better than anyone, not borderline violence.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I am miserable in my marriage a huge amount of the time, and I have the means to leave.

I didn’t call the cops because I didn’t want to put my kids through the experience of being interrogated about what they saw and feeling responsible for putting their dad in handcuffs based on what they said.

I guess my point is that things are not black and white when I talk about what happened IRL, but here, anonymously, everyone acts like it’s so black and white. IRL, the consensus is “stick it out” or “work on your own issues” which is just so different from the advice here about physical abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that people on DCUM are incredibly sheltered. They assume that there is a better situation possible for any woman in this kind of abusive marriage. It’s definitely not true.

Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that people on DCUM are incredibly sheltered. They assume that there is a better situation possible for any woman in this kind of abusive marriage. It’s definitely not true.

This, sadly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I am miserable in my marriage a huge amount of the time, and I have the means to leave.

I didn’t call the cops because I didn’t want to put my kids through the experience of being interrogated about what they saw and feeling responsible for putting their dad in handcuffs based on what they said.

I guess my point is that things are not black and white when I talk about what happened IRL, but here, anonymously, everyone acts like it’s so black and white. IRL, the consensus is “stick it out” or “work on your own issues” which is just so different from the advice here about physical abuse.

This depends on the age of the kids. When my DH attacked my 4 yo and I reported it, I had ot go in person to the police station and the cop saw the injuries on my kid's face but did not question him. They took good care of him, were nice to him, gave him snacks and he watched Spiderman while I completed he report.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I am miserable in my marriage a huge amount of the time, and I have the means to leave.

I didn’t call the cops because I didn’t want to put my kids through the experience of being interrogated about what they saw and feeling responsible for putting their dad in handcuffs based on what they said.

I guess my point is that things are not black and white when I talk about what happened IRL, but here, anonymously, everyone acts like it’s so black and white. IRL, the consensus is “stick it out” or “work on your own issues” which is just so different from the advice here about physical abuse.

You can leave. You don't need some justifiable level of physical abuse. You can leave because you are miserable. Are you waiting for other people to say it is OK? It is your life. Only you lives it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I am miserable in my marriage a huge amount of the time, and I have the means to leave.

I didn’t call the cops because I didn’t want to put my kids through the experience of being interrogated about what they saw and feeling responsible for putting their dad in handcuffs based on what they said.

I guess my point is that things are not black and white when I talk about what happened IRL, but here, anonymously, everyone acts like it’s so black and white. IRL, the consensus is “stick it out” or “work on your own issues” which is just so different from the advice here about physical abuse.

So it's better for your kids to see violence than be interrogated? What happens when he injures you the next time? What's better for the kids then? To see their mom bleeding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:…and my therapist knows, and we went to marriage counseling and that psychologist knows. And I talked to a lawyer, who told me to get a restraining order, so I talked to the magistrate and she said she can’t do anything because I didn’t call the police at the time, and to call the police *the next time it happens.* And some of my family know, and his parents know, and a neighbor knows, and some mutual friends know, and my close friends know. And it happened a while ago. And I gave up on making plans to leave him and everyone knows that too, and nobody is particularly appalled that we continue to soldier on as a married couple, and many people tell me, well, at least he loves you, divorce with kids will be worse, or per the marriage counselor, you have to do a better job of connecting and soften your tone around him.

Yet I come on DCUM and people are immediately shrieking “divorce now!!” if someone is so much as verbally abusive or raises a hand in a threatening manner.

I just get the sense that there’s the people on DCUM who are profoundly sheltered and then there’s the therapists, marriage counselors, magistrates, police and attorneys who are like, shrug.

You're right.

But everyone has a line and I suggest you figure out where the f@cK yours is. You've been physically and verbally abused by your husband. Not to be a dick, but everyone is following your lead here. If you go hard core and steel your spine they will follow.

Your call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I am miserable in my marriage a huge amount of the time, and I have the means to leave.

I didn’t call the cops because I didn’t want to put my kids through the experience of being interrogated about what they saw and feeling responsible for putting their dad in handcuffs based on what they said.

I guess my point is that things are not black and white when I talk about what happened IRL, but here, anonymously, everyone acts like it’s so black and white. IRL, the consensus is “stick it out” or “work on your own issues” which is just so different from the advice here about physical abuse.

You seem to not want to leave. Ok, then stay. And if I were your family and got the same vibe from you, that you complain and complain, but have no real desire to leave, I'd say ok, then work things out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I am miserable in my marriage a huge amount of the time, and I have the means to leave.

I didn’t call the cops because I didn’t want to put my kids through the experience of being interrogated about what they saw and feeling responsible for putting their dad in handcuffs based on what they said.

I guess my point is that things are not black and white when I talk about what happened IRL, but here, anonymously, everyone acts like it’s so black and white. IRL, the consensus is “stick it out” or “work on your own issues” which is just so different from the advice here about physical abuse.

OP, I totally get what you're saying and sympathize. Whether to divorce, separate, whatever, is not black and white. Only you can decide what the best option is. I disagree that just because he shoved you once means it's going to escalate. He might never do it again, or he might do it again but not at a "worse" level.

Some of the people who know about it "should" be more protective/defensive of you, and at least be more judgmental of him. But some people are idiots or are truly selfish and don't care. Some probably feel it's not their place to get involved, or just don't want to get involved. Not everyone (or even most people) will do the right thing. Honestly, I would suggest not telling people besides your therapists in the future. And I'd definitely suggest keeping family and close friends out of it, unless you make the decision to leave.

A close friend's DH is verbally abusive often, and physically abusive sometimes. He never physically hurts her though... meaning he'll shove her or push her or squeezer her arm, but never leave bruises or anything like that. He's purely about intimidation. She confides in me and now one else, because she knows I'm not judgmental and will give her a sounding board without telling her what she "should" do. I knows it's wrong, but, as is probably the case with you, knowing what the best thing is for her and the kids is complicated. Honestly, I have no worries that he'll ever do anything dangerous to her. Not that it's not devastating for it to be happening at all, but I'm 100% sure it will never come to that. He's too smart for it. I'm sure I'll get flamed for this and told I'm wrong, but I know what I'm talking about.

As for the therapists not doing anything... what do you want them to do? There are some who would tell you to leave, and some who will want it to be your decision and won't try to influence you. The therapist shouldn't make the decision for you, just give you the tools to get through things whatever you decide. Of course, some are very opinionated and can't help themselves. It's entirely possible you have a bad therapist, and if you think this might the case, try to find someone else.

The one weird piece is the lawyer. It's weird to me that he/she advised you to get a restraining order, yet didn't know that you weren't in a position to actually get one. Isn't it their job to know the ins and outs of that stuff? I think the most valuable person in this equation is actually the lawyer. If the one you have now isn't that good, find one who is. A good lawyer should be able to lay out your options and really help you make a decision. Also, remember, divorce isn't now or never. You can take years to decide, some people do.