DH shoved me to the floor while screaming shut your f’ing mouth…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People aren’t going to be mad for you because while you’re a victim in your marriage you’re not completely without control of your life, like your kids are….

You have choice. You are choosing to stay and subject your kids to this as well. It is a choice. You’re looking for validation from others on what to do. Women with self esteem do not tolerate this and they make decisions to protect themselves and their children.

My mother is still with my abusive father and I can assure you my siblings and I resent her more than my father for staying with him.

I moved out with the kids when they were 6 and 8 due to verbal and emotional abuse and his disorders.
He got weekends for custody.
He remarried 3 years later and according to my kids, is doing the same abuse to his new wife/ their step mom. He also wants to go to court for 50/50 custody since he’s a new married man.
It never ends. The kids have been in therapy since age 6 and 8 too.

[Anonymous]

You need to leave OP. Is this what you want your children growing up thinking is normal domestic life? Have you seen the fear in your child's eyes when they see Daddy scare Mommy? Your sons could well grow up to mimic their dad's behavior. Your daughters will grow up thinking that putting up with this is just what women are supposed to do.

My DH grew up with an abusive father. While he loves his mother, I think there is a part of him that resents her for not protecting him and his sibs, and not being strong enough to leave.

[Anonymous]

My dad treated my mom this way. I really thought it was normal growing up, as in pretty intense, but justified. How fked up is that.

Despite being harshly verbally and emotionally abused and sometimes physically abused for 20 years, my mom didn't teach me any lessons to recognize and protect myself against these sort of relationships/didn't impress upon my siblings and I that his behavior was unacceptable (other than repeatedly saying it was unacceptable), and that's what I find really sad and kind of resent her for.

Ironically, it was my dad who taught me I needed to be financially independent so I wouldn't have to put up with a partner's abuse (as a kid I thought abuse meant literally getting beat to a pulp).

Btw 25 years later my dad did the exact same thing to me, and I've decided he will not see his granddaughter until he at least acknowledges what he did.

Anyway, OP, if nothing else, please don't allow your kids to get brainwashed into thinking that abusive behavior is okay. Though sounds like you haven't convinced yourself that this is the case. By the way, love does not preclude ongoing verbal and emotional abuse. If you don't divorce, just know the environment will be normalized and can really screw them up. Lack of consequences for your husband also reinforce and probably encourage his behavior.

[Anonymous]

Do family courts factor this type of abuse in or not at all? Isn’t custody and coparenting and abuse via the court system what separating w these types looks like? Once you have kids it’s a terrible situation and you have to pick the least terrible option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do family courts factor this type of abuse in or not at all? Isn’t custody and coparenting and abuse via the court system what separating w these types looks like? Once you have kids it’s a terrible situation and you have to pick the least terrible option.

IME family court does not care. You have to file a criminal charge and the two systems are separate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I am miserable in my marriage a huge amount of the time, and I have the means to leave.

I didn’t call the cops because I didn’t want to put my kids through the experience of being interrogated about what they saw and feeling responsible for putting their dad in handcuffs based on what they said.

I guess my point is that things are not black and white when I talk about what happened IRL, but here, anonymously, everyone acts like it’s so black and white. IRL, the consensus is “stick it out” or “work on your own issues” which is just so different from the advice here about physical abuse.

OP, I’m a man who has been in your situation. I’m in the midst of divorcing my mentally ill wife because of her abuse of me and my children. I just went through a year of photos where I have a black eye, a bleeding face and broken glasses. Not worth it. Please leave your husband your physical and mental health.

[Anonymous]

^to alrify this is state dependent, but family court does not care about abuse against the spouse, only against the children, and it has to be recent. If your spouse did something horrible when your DC as 4 and DC is now 10, they could get custody increased.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to leave OP. Is this what you want your children growing up thinking is normal domestic life? Have you seen the fear in your child's eyes when they see Daddy scare Mommy? Your sons could well grow up to mimic their dad's behavior. Your daughters will grow up thinking that putting up with this is just what women are supposed to do.

My DH grew up with an abusive father. While he loves his mother, I think there is a part of him that resents her for not protecting him and his sibs, and not being strong enough to leave.

This. I grew up with a verbally abusive mother. As a result, the two long term intimate relationships in my life were with abusive partners (one physically abusive, one emotionally abusive). I was primed to accept these relationships because I grew up in an abusive relationship.

I got out when my kids were little - 18 months and 5 years old. I hope my leaving the abusive relationship gave me the space to raise them in a healthy home so that the intergenerational cycle of abuse stops.

Witnessing or being subject to abuse has lifelong, negative ripple effects.

[Anonymous]

OP, all these counsellor, therapists, etc. have all seen it a million times before. They already know telling you to find help now isn’t going to get you to help now. I mean, no one actually does anything when directly pressured to do so. You have to find your personal line where you truly feel your safety is in danger.

Pushing someone too hard “now” tends to break their trust and push them out of the system. But acknowledging there is a problem, but not looking to break you, the hope is that you will co e to the realization something is very wrong and decide to make a change on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, all these counsellor, therapists, etc. have all seen it a million times before. They already know telling you to find help now isn’t going to get you to help now. I mean, no one actually does anything when directly pressured to do so. You have to find your personal line where you truly feel your safety is in danger.

Pushing someone too hard “now” tends to break their trust and push them out of the system. But acknowledging there is a problem, but not looking to break you, the hope is that you will co e to the realization something is very wrong and decide to make a change on your own.

This is right. OP, you are searching for a reason for the dissonance between what you hear from people in your life and what you hear in an anonymous forum--but the answer is obvious. There are many (even good) reasons folks are holding their tongues on the outside--don't want to push you away, don't want to provoke your DH, realize that too much pressure will backfire, want to be a supportive friend, are confused and scared themselves, or in the case of some of the professionals, they have seen it a million times, and frankly, probably see you (currently at least) as a waste of their time. None of those considerations apply here though! For once, I think you are getting much closer to the unvarnished truth on DCUM. You obviously do not really want to hear it -- but I think the biggest question is why?

[Anonymous]

A therapist who knows he pushed you to the ground during an argument advised you to "soften your tone around him"? This is the part I'm stuck on.

It's normal to struggle with leaving, even after very clear, unquestionable abuse, but I cannot imagine any therapist (other than a religious therapist, who I would never recommend) suggesting that a more moderate tone would end abuse.

Please get a new therapist. Then figure out the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did he shove you to the ground because you start every sentence and new thought with the word, and? You are probably annoying AF and you've received some very bad advice. You can get a temporary restraining order on him (or anyone else) any time you want on just your word. You don't need the police to get involved.

Wow, talk about blaming the victim.

Words do not justify physical violence.

Ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I am miserable in my marriage a huge amount of the time, and I have the means to leave.

I didn’t call the cops because I didn’t want to put my kids through the experience of being interrogated about what they saw and feeling responsible for putting their dad in handcuffs based on what they said.

I guess my point is that things are not black and white when I talk about what happened IRL, but here, anonymously, everyone acts like it’s so black and white. IRL, the consensus is “stick it out” or “work on your own issues” which is just so different from the advice here about physical abuse.

Sorry, but there is only ONE right piece of advice for someone in your situation. It IS black and white. How to leave may not be, but whether to leave IS.

You are either listening selectively or seeking advice selectively. No qualified counsellor would say "work on your issues" when you are being physically and emotionally confused.

When you picture what will happen your children when/if the police come, you are again being selective. Their OTHER option is to keep witnessing violence and abuse against someone they love. Fear of someone who is supposed to protect them. Really unhealthy dynamics between family members who are their role models for what love looks like. Their lifetimes may be full of that VERSUS one night of seeing public safety officers stopping a violent man from hurting the person they love. You could model what it looks like for a healthy adult to use community resources, so that she and her children are proteced.

Your thinking is VERY distorted. Probably because of your own family or origin or how your partner has manipulated you.

A brief episode of legal intervention, that frees your children from growing up in an abusive family (with all of the lifelong ramifactions that have been described on this thread) is ACTUALLY like winning a lottery. Please search for some healthy instrinct in yourself, enough courage to ask for help (from QUALIFIED professionals). You could be saving your children from a lifetime of being broken.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I am miserable in my marriage a huge amount of the time, and I have the means to leave.

I didn’t call the cops because I didn’t want to put my kids through the experience of being interrogated about what they saw and feeling responsible for putting their dad in handcuffs based on what they said.

I guess my point is that things are not black and white when I talk about what happened IRL, but here, anonymously, everyone acts like it’s so black and white. IRL, the consensus is “stick it out” or “work on your own issues” which is just so different from the advice here about physical abuse.

Sorry, but there is only ONE right piece of advice for someone in your situation. It IS black and white. How to leave may not be, but whether to leave IS.

You are either listening selectively or seeking advice selectively. No qualified counsellor would say "work on your issues" when you are being physically and emotionally confused.

When you picture what will happen your children when/if the police come, you are again being selective. Their OTHER option is to keep witnessing violence and abuse against someone they love. Fear of someone who is supposed to protect them. Really unhealthy dynamics between family members who are their role models for what love looks like. Their lifetimes may be full of that VERSUS one night of seeing public safety officers stopping a violent man from hurting the person they love. You could model what it looks like for a healthy adult to use community resources, so that she and her children are proteced.

Your thinking is VERY distorted. Probably because of your own family or origin or how your partner has manipulated you.

A brief episode of legal intervention, that frees your children from growing up in an abusive family (with all of the lifelong ramifactions that have been described on this thread) is ACTUALLY like winning a lottery. Please search for some healthy instrinct in yourself, enough courage to ask for help (from QUALIFIED professionals). You could be saving your children from a lifetime of being broken.

This is all very correct. Look at it this way. Even if you love DH with all of your heart and he is the one and this was meant to be and you are still wild about him ---- even if all that was true --- you have to get out. It may break your heart but studies have shown that physical violence escalates. Maybe it won't with him but you cannot at all in any way know that. The odds say escalate. You need to be ahead of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, all these counsellor, therapists, etc. have all seen it a million times before. They already know telling you to find help now isn’t going to get you to help now. I mean, no one actually does anything when directly pressured to do so. You have to find your personal line where you truly feel your safety is in danger.

Pushing someone too hard “now” tends to break their trust and push them out of the system. But acknowledging there is a problem, but not looking to break you, the hope is that you will co e to the realization something is very wrong and decide to make a change on your own.

It’s so hard. How to best protect and raise the kids. Courts do not put the kids first, even special needs kids.