DH shoved me to the floor while screaming shut your f’ing mouth…

[Anonymous]

…and my therapist knows, and we went to marriage counseling and that psychologist knows. And I talked to a lawyer, who told me to get a restraining order, so I talked to the magistrate and she said she can’t do anything because I didn’t call the police at the time, and to call the police *the next time it happens.* And some of my family know, and his parents know, and a neighbor knows, and some mutual friends know, and my close friends know. And it happened a while ago. And I gave up on making plans to leave him and everyone knows that too, and nobody is particularly appalled that we continue to soldier on as a married couple, and many people tell me, well, at least he loves you, divorce with kids will be worse, or per the marriage counselor, you have to do a better job of connecting and soften your tone around him.

Yet I come on DCUM and people are immediately shrieking “divorce now!!” if someone is so much as verbally abusive or raises a hand in a threatening manner.

I just get the sense that there’s the people on DCUM who are profoundly sheltered and then there’s the therapists, marriage counselors, magistrates, police and attorneys who are like, shrug.

[Anonymous]

No one's going to be more outraged about your marriage in-person than you are. That's just how it goes.

You accept the abuse so they accept the abuse. And btw - the marriage counselor and therapist only continue to get paid if you stay in the abusive situation.

Your choice - always.

[Anonymous]

I can’t imagine a marriage counselor not urging you to leave him. I have a friend who was shoved by her husband and their counselor told her that violence usually only escalates and she should get out.

[Anonymous]

I find that people on DCUM often have a strong sense of who they are, and are confident and capable. So, they might assume that others are too. As you know, not everyone is like that. Even so, it's a worthy goal. I hope your therapist, etc. are helping you work toward that goal.

[Anonymous]

Hey there. I’m the OP of the “he raised his hand to me” thread. I think we should both leave our husbands. You’re a little further down the line of abuse from me, but I’ve had a tough long marriage characterized by his controlling, overbearing personality.

I’m not sure what you mean about women on DCUM being sheltered. I’m sure some are, but many are realistic, have lived through hard times, and have good advice.

I hope you can find peace.

[Anonymous]

Sorry you are in that situation. If you need specific help from friends or family ask for it (or google for local resources.) it sounds like some people in your life may be following your lead.

[Anonymous]

You need a new marriage counselor, or better yet, an individual counselor who will be supportive.

[Anonymous]

Obviously, your family is telling you to work things out because:

a) they don't want to help you or be burdened, financially or in other ways;

b) they think you are unable, divorced, to be financially independent; and/or

c) Your religion or culture.

Forget what your family says. You should leave!!

[Anonymous]

counselor for what??!!@

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:…and my therapist knows, and we went to marriage counseling and that psychologist knows. And I talked to a lawyer, who told me to get a restraining order, so I talked to the magistrate and she said she can’t do anything because I didn’t call the police at the time, and to call the police *the next time it happens.* And some of my family know, and his parents know, and a neighbor knows, and some mutual friends know, and my close friends know. And it happened a while ago. And I gave up on making plans to leave him and everyone knows that too, and nobody is particularly appalled that we continue to soldier on as a married couple, and many people tell me, well, at least he loves you, divorce with kids will be worse, or per the marriage counselor, you have to do a better job of connecting and soften your tone around him.

Yet I come on DCUM and people are immediately shrieking “divorce now!!” if someone is so much as verbally abusive or raises a hand in a threatening manner.

I just get the sense that there’s the people on DCUM who are profoundly sheltered and then there’s the therapists, marriage counselors, magistrates, police and attorneys who are like, shrug.

Why should therapists, marriage counselors, magistrates, police, blah blah blah care more than you do?

[Anonymous]

DH is one who needs anger management. But I'd leave anyway. There is no medication on earth for a personality disorder. Good luck fixing his personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:…and my therapist knows, and we went to marriage counseling and that psychologist knows. And I talked to a lawyer, who told me to get a restraining order, so I talked to the magistrate and she said she can’t do anything because I didn’t call the police at the time, and to call the police *the next time it happens.* And some of my family know, and his parents know, and a neighbor knows, and some mutual friends know, and my close friends know. And it happened a while ago. And I gave up on making plans to leave him and everyone knows that too, and nobody is particularly appalled that we continue to soldier on as a married couple, and many people tell me, well, at least he loves you, divorce with kids will be worse, or per the marriage counselor, you have to do a better job of connecting and soften your tone around him.

Yet I come on DCUM and people are immediately shrieking “divorce now!!” if someone is so much as verbally abusive or raises a hand in a threatening manner.

I just get the sense that there’s the people on DCUM who are profoundly sheltered and then there’s the therapists, marriage counselors, magistrates, police and attorneys who are like, shrug.

I can't speak to counselors and therapists, but police and judges? They see it a million times. Victims who don't want to testify. So the case goes nowhere and is just a waste of time and resources in an already over-burdened system. I recounted a story today during book club about how I had worked in Baltimore City years ago, and recommended that a man be held without bail for strangling his live-in girlfriend up against the wall so long that the entire whites of her eyes turned blood red. He was charged with attempted murder. The girlfriend/victim came in and asked the judge to drop the charges because she needed him at home to pay the bills. I thought (naïve me) that the female judge would say no way. But she reduced his bail to $10,000 at 10%. Which means the girlfriend just had to put up $1,000 to get him out. I am sure the judge just figured a hostile witness (only evidence) is a waste of time. The girlfriend did bail him out. But not before he threatened to kill me, too. He got out and did kill his girlfriend. Do not take the desensitized system's dismissal of domestic violence as somehow condoning your staying in a bad situation.

Hitting you works for your husband. Ok, so it's "only" shoving you for now. But it works for your husband. He got what he wanted and he didn't lose you. If you have children, you are teaching them that violence is an acceptable method of getting what you want. They will internalize that lesson whether you want them to or not.

[Anonymous]

Unlikely op, unlikely. What is more likely is that we are scared and scared from our childhoods and probably adult times. That is why we say divorce him. We watched the same and worse happened to our parents, mostly mom, and we might have escaped such relationships ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Yes, of course leave. I agree with the PP who said your friends and family will shrug & accept it if you do. “It’s her life…” that sort of thing. The only person who has something to lose by staying is your & your kids.

[Anonymous]

I agree that you should call the police next time.

But please try to get out before that happens. Contact an expert on domestic violence - maybe there are hotlines you could call? - and get out. I am not sure the safest way to do so. You need professional help to figure that out.

Are you employed? Do you have kids?