DH shoved me to the floor while screaming shut your f’ing mouth…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I am miserable in my marriage a huge amount of the time, and I have the means to leave.

I didn’t call the cops because I didn’t want to put my kids through the experience of being interrogated about what they saw and feeling responsible for putting their dad in handcuffs based on what they said.

I guess my point is that things are not black and white when I talk about what happened IRL, but here, anonymously, everyone acts like it’s so black and white. IRL, the consensus is “stick it out” or “work on your own issues” which is just so different from the advice here about physical abuse.

You seem to not want to leave. Ok, then stay. And if I were your family and got the same vibe from you, that you complain and complain, but have no real desire to leave, I'd say ok, then work things out.

I agree with everyone else. Your family and friends will generally follow your lead with regard to your marriage. If you stay they’ll encourage therapy if you leave they’ll offer their guest room. That’s how it goes. In situations like yours people are also wary of voicing their opinion too forcefully and getting cut off if you stay. It happens more frequently than you’d think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that people on DCUM are incredibly sheltered. They assume that there is a better situation possible for any woman in this kind of abusive marriage. It’s definitely not true.

How so? What is worse than being abused?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I am miserable in my marriage a huge amount of the time, and I have the means to leave.

I didn’t call the cops because I didn’t want to put my kids through the experience of being interrogated about what they saw and feeling responsible for putting their dad in handcuffs based on what they said.

I guess my point is that things are not black and white when I talk about what happened IRL, but here, anonymously, everyone acts like it’s so black and white. IRL, the consensus is “stick it out” or “work on your own issues” which is just so different from the advice here about physical abuse.

You seem to not want to leave. Ok, then stay. And if I were your family and got the same vibe from you, that you complain and complain, but have no real desire to leave, I'd say ok, then work things out.

I agree with everyone else. Your family and friends will generally follow your lead with regard to your marriage. If you stay they’ll encourage therapy if you leave they’ll offer their guest room. That’s how it goes. In situations like yours people are also wary of voicing their opinion too forcefully and getting cut off if you stay. It happens more frequently than you’d think.

Yep. Whatever you're going through I would offer you my guest suite - 'hey, you know you're welcome here for however long you want - we could do a year of cooking demos!' - in a joking but serious manner. But if you want me to opine on you leaving your husband? Not a chance. Not unless you're willing to be serious about it and show videos of abusive behavior or him throwing you to the ground. Because way too many women want to complain but then act like you're attacking 'their family' if you speak up your mind.

You need to make your own decision. No one else is going to do it for you. You have my guest room and if you ask - $10,000 for a legal retainer. That's it. No opinions. No encouragement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that you should call the police next time.

But please try to get out before that happens. Contact an expert on domestic violence - maybe there are hotlines you could call? - and get out. I am not sure the safest way to do so. You need professional help to figure that out.

Are you employed? Do you have kids?

So the divorce now people on this site drive me crazy. While that is often a possibility it is not the right answer a lot of the time. Your case is different. Lawyer here. Have seen a lot. I agree with PP that said quite often violence escalates. Shove now, punch later. If I were your parent, I would be concerned about your safety. What you should have done was left then. I get why it is tough now that time has passed but I think that may be the best course and not really stay to wait for a next time. Agree you need a professional to help with this process. You should have been able to get a restraining order even without a police report. A lawyer could help with that as well. This is not ok.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP.

Why aren't you still considering leaving?

[Anonymous]

We hate stupid women, here. You are being stupid and you are raising your kids in a terribly abusive situation.
How do your kids feel seeing dad beat their mom?
Must be ok, no? This is what boys do and this is what girls have to accept, no?
Your husband is an abuser, but you are the person that is also ruining her kids' lives.

[Anonymous]

I left this marriage and it was not easy and has continued to be really difficult. Former DH fundamentally believes it is his right and place ton discipline me with verbal or physical violence if I am “acting stupid” or talking too much/saying things he doesn’t like or agree with, or in a tone or timing he objects to. He was also ultimately controlling with money as a message, and still is post separation with the result that I became responsible for myself and kids while still married. Anyway though I did vacillate for a long time I ultimately left. I am free of daily abuse and can think more clearly though it took a long time and had a high for me and kids. Socially it has been less of an obstacle than I feared though I mourn the loss of an intact family that had a lot of strengths besides this.

[Anonymous]

Happened once and never happened again? I would put this water under the bridge.

[Anonymous]

People aren’t going to be mad for you because while you’re a victim in your marriage you’re not completely without control of your life, like your kids are….

You have choice. You are choosing to stay and subject your kids to this as well. It is a choice. You’re looking for validation from others on what to do. Women with self esteem do not tolerate this and they make decisions to protect themselves and their children.

My mother is still with my abusive father and I can assure you my siblings and I resent her more than my father for staying with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re putting your friends and family in an impossible situation by staying.

My boss told me about physical abuse of a boyfriend. She held the apartment lease in her name, he was a waiter. She had a 150K job and it was her apartment, she had savings. I even offered to let her move in with me for a few months so he could stay there until the lease was up in three months to make a clean, contactless break. Literally offered her my home.

She chose to stay with him. Even moved to a new city with him. And had the audacity to send me their Christmas card.

I told her to leave and offered her my home, money, etc. I’m sure your friends and family could say the same.

NP, and I would add that, once you make it clear that you aren't going to leave him, they might be saying those things about how it's for the best because they think it's pointless to say otherwise (and might risk further isolating you), so they are trying to support you in the decision you've made.

[Anonymous]

Hugs OP. I have a good friend that suffered some pretty terrible sexual violence from her husband some years ago. She is staying for now bc she doesn't want him to be alone with her kids. I don't think she's weak. Things are much more complicated than anyone on the outside can understand.

[Anonymous]

Did he shove you to the ground because you start every sentence and new thought with the word, and? You are probably annoying AF and you've received some very bad advice. You can get a temporary restraining order on him (or anyone else) any time you want on just your word. You don't need the police to get involved.

[Anonymous]

OP. Please visit loveisrespect.org

Also, IME as a victim of domestic abuse who left, there are many in society who accept and even justify or blame-cast the victim of abuse. That doesn’t make it right.

Love yourself enough to leave.

[Anonymous]

You are in a physically abusive relationship. A good therapist will help you figure out why that is okay with you.

You HAVE to leave so your children do not think this is okay. Please don’t pass the pathology down to the next generation. And I say that with compassion for you and your children.

[Anonymous]

Would you want your daughter to stay with a boyfriend like this? You are teaching her to stay.