Reply to DH shoved me to the floor while screaming shut your f’ing mouth…

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]…and my therapist knows, and we went to marriage counseling and that psychologist knows. And I talked to a lawyer, who told me to get a restraining order, so I talked to the magistrate and she said she can’t do anything because I didn’t call the police at the time, and to call the police *the next time it happens.* And some of my family know, and his parents know, and a neighbor knows, and some mutual friends know, and my close friends know. And it happened a while ago. And I gave up on making plans to leave him and everyone knows that too, and nobody is particularly appalled that we continue to soldier on as a married couple, and many people tell me, well, at least he loves you, divorce with kids will be worse, or per the marriage counselor, you have to do a better job of connecting and soften your tone around him.

Yet I come on DCUM and people are immediately shrieking “divorce now!!” if someone is so much as verbally abusive or raises a hand in a threatening manner.

I just get the sense that there’s the people on DCUM who are profoundly sheltered and then there’s the therapists, marriage counselors, magistrates, police and attorneys who are like, shrug. [/quote]

Just some thoughts:

1. The vast majority of marriage counselors are not equipped to handle abuse. Generally they view their client as the marriage, not either party, and do what they can to save the marriage. It has been shown that counseling does not work for abusive relationships - like ever - the only thing that can work (and rarely does) is individual and/or group counseling for the abuser. The sad fact is that abusers almost never change, even with professional help. Your counselor either doesn't understand abuse, or knows there is very little she can do and is trying to help you avoid getting abused further or pissing your H off so that he forbids you from coming to counseling.

2. My two best friends both have abusive husbands. I was supportive of their choices, but never told them they should leave, because I knew as soon as their husbands saw me as a threat they would forbid their wives from seeing me. In fact, that's exactly what one did, I did not see or hear from my friend for months (more on that story below). It's likely they will be supportive if you choose to leave and will help you out. It's also possible they just don't have much experience with abuse and don't know exactly how to respond.

Although it is also possible they're just asshats. My xH was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive, and all our mutual friends sided with him because he's extremely manipulative and charming. Even my own family sided with him for a long time, until they eventually saw him for who he was. You need to make decisions that are best for YOU, not based on what friends and family think.

3. You absolutely need to call the police next time. I don't know if they really believe it's "shrug", but they understand there's not much they can do unless there is police involvement during the incident.

These things usually escalate over time. The friend I mentioned earlier had an H that would hit her, and eventually it escalated to him trying to murder her multiple times in front of their children. The police were involved at that point at said it was the worst case of domestic violence they'd ever seen (there's more to the story, it was horrifying). It is much safer for you to leave now, then when it gets to the point that he will be willing to kill you.

4. Love does not hurt. Period. If he is violent with you, he does not love you. And divorce is a million times better for children than living in a home with violence, especially since that violence will likely be turned against them one day.

Good luck with everything. I hope things work out for you. 
[/quote]

Also, while shoving someone down is obviously reprehensible, in a discussion of physical abuse in a marriage it is minimal.

If you go to the police and say "someone shoved me down," what do you really expect them to do?  Drop everything to investigate?

[/quote]

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