ILs canceled family vacation…and blame me (who had zero to do with it)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[Copying your husband and your FIL]

“Hi Jane, I’d like to clear up some confusion. While I did ask Brian to talk to Carl and see if there was a way to get more information about how many adults on the trip would be unvaccinated, I did not ask for the trip to be canceled. Brian and I wanted this information so that we could make an informed decision about whether Brian alone should go, or if I should also attend with the kids.

I’m not sure where you got the impression that I ‘canceled the trip,’ or asked for it to be canceled. Hoping Carl can tell you more about how he, Betty and Jason came to this decision as the planners of this trip.”

+1 And I would cc Brian, Carl, Jason, and Betty (or at least Carl and Brian).

Don't do this unless you have a bizarre enjoyment of family strife. Just let your husband handle it. His mom, his problem.

…unless DH and/or his father have a history of being wishy-washy, enabling and spineless with her. She may have gotten bad information from either DH or FIL. “Larla is saying if everyone isn’t vaccinated, they won’t go.” So I do think putting everyone on the chain is a good way to make sure that anyone who was trying to use OP as a human shield will get called out.

[Anonymous]

Hi Jan, I never requested cancellation. I just wanted to gauge the risk to my children. Im sorry to offend uncle joe, it must be the 5G that bill gates injected

[Anonymous]

You asked the question several others wanted to ask and allowed others to express their concerns. The other possibility is your husband used you to express his concerns.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Just asked DH how he posed it to his dad. He said he absolutely agreed with me asking the question, and presented it as a united front that we (he and I) wanted the information. He said that in no way on his end did he make it seem like “Larla wants to know…”

So we’re thinking now that he is going to send a message to MIL and FIL and me, stating that I had nothing to do with the trip being canceled, and that if MIL wants to know more about how that decision came about, she can take it up with FIL and the other logistical leads.

Thank you all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Just asked DH how he posed it to his dad. He said he absolutely agreed with me asking the question, and presented it as a united front that we (he and I) wanted the information. He said that in no way on his end did he make it seem like “Larla wants to know…”

So we’re thinking now that he is going to send a message to MIL and FIL and me, stating that I had nothing to do with the trip being canceled, and that if MIL wants to know more about how that decision came about, she can take it up with FIL and the other logistical leads.

Thank you all!

I think from now on your DH should just say "I would like ....." when talking to his parents. since he wanted to know how many people were vaccinated at the family reunion, there was no reason for him to bring up with his dad the fact that you wanted to know also. obvisouly then it became "Larla wants to know and sent our son ahead to ask". he talks to his parents then he asks on his own behalf, not "also yours"

[Anonymous]

I hope she owns up to her bad behavior in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forward the text to your DH, add your MIL to it and say, do you want to respond to your mother’s concerns?

Do this. Don't engage beyond that but pay close attention to how your husband responds.

If she does as you both suggest, she's basically testing her DH, as much as, if not more than, letting MIL know this won't fly.

Why should OP set her DH up like that?

He did as she asked and he inquired about the vaccinations. He didn't refuse, argue, accuse her of trying to undermine the trip, at least not that she's said.

"Pay attention to how your husband responds" translates to "See if he has your back, and he'll HAVE to respond, and you'll see where he stands, ha!" What a jerk move toward the DH. If OP has come back and said her DH was a a$$ about it to her, that's different but I haven't seen that here.

If she AND her DH together agree, she could forward to DH with MIL added and he can append his reply. But advising her to blindside her DH, when he did as she asked, is out of line. Unless OP wants to anger her DH, in which case, blindsiding him and passive-aggressively testing his allegiance to her is a great way to go.

[Anonymous]

Black hole this message. It will make her nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You asked the question several others wanted to ask and allowed others to express their concerns. The other possibility is your husband used you to express his concerns.

Yes, it’s very possible once they started asking around and others found out MIL (and others?) weren’t vaccinated, people started to bow out. People didn’t want to be exposed to her and she’s looking for someone else to blame other than her dumba$$ views.

[Anonymous]

Terrible of her to pin it on you. Clearly is was cancelled because people (a lot maybe) were not vaccinated, which is not your fault. Your MIL may have wanted everyone to pretend it wasn't an issue, but clearly for some who made the decision to cancel, it was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Just asked DH how he posed it to his dad. He said he absolutely agreed with me asking the question, and presented it as a united front that we (he and I) wanted the information. He said that in no way on his end did he make it seem like “Larla wants to know…”

So we’re thinking now that he is going to send a message to MIL and FIL and me, stating that I had nothing to do with the trip being canceled, and that if MIL wants to know more about how that decision came about, she can take it up with FIL and the other logistical leads.

Thank you all!

I hope you update with her reply!

[Anonymous]

To keep the peace, just ignore the accusation, recognize she probably wrote in a moment of anger, and write back:
"I'm as disappointed as you that the event was so abruptly canceled. Certainly the organizers can understand that parents would want information before deciding whether it would be appropriate for kids too young to be vaccinated to attend, or if just adults should attend this year. Do you know who suggested the event be canceled?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs have a large, extended family reunion involving two beach houses every year. Obviously, last year was canceled. This year, they booked the houses and said they’d keep an eye on things, which I thought was perfectly reasonable. This was before the delta variant started affecting the United States. We sent in our deposit and confirmed that at least my husband would attend.

A few weeks ago, I asked my husband if he would please ask his father (one of the event organizers) if there was a way he could put out some feelers and get a sense of how many attendees would be unvaccinated. We simply wanted more information to decide whether just my husband would attend, or if the kids and I would go as well.

My husband asked his dad, who started to make a few inquiries on the best way to go about it with the co-organizers. A few days later, out of the blue, the whole event was canceled.

My MIL then sent a text to ME saying that she was disappointed that I threw a wrench in everything by bringing up vaccines, which is everyone’s personal choice, etc. I never once suggested that the event be canceled, and I never even suggested that DH shouldn’t go. I had no direct contact with FIL or the other event planners over this. And *I’m* the one she texts!

So far, I have not responded. Should I? What would I say?

Vaccines may be everyone's personal choice but you have a right to know if you're vacationing with someone who chooses not to vaccinate. You did not suggest unvaccinated people should not attend. Wondering if many of the other family members were glad you asked. Sounds like MIL wanted to pretend COVID is no longer an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To keep the peace, just ignore the accusation, recognize she probably wrote in a moment of anger, and write back:
"I'm as disappointed as you that the event was so abruptly canceled. Certainly the organizers can understand that parents would want information before deciding whether it would be appropriate for kids too young to be vaccinated to attend, or if just adults should attend this year. Do you know who suggested the event be canceled?"

Don't turn around and throw other people under the bus. Just let DH handle it.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I would address this directly with the group email above. No one accuses me falsely.