ILs canceled family vacation…and blame me (who had zero to do with it)

[Anonymous]

My ILs have a large, extended family reunion involving two beach houses every year. Obviously, last year was canceled. This year, they booked the houses and said they’d keep an eye on things, which I thought was perfectly reasonable. This was before the delta variant started affecting the United States. We sent in our deposit and confirmed that at least my husband would attend.

A few weeks ago, I asked my husband if he would please ask his father (one of the event organizers) if there was a way he could put out some feelers and get a sense of how many attendees would be unvaccinated. We simply wanted more information to decide whether just my husband would attend, or if the kids and I would go as well.

My husband asked his dad, who started to make a few inquiries on the best way to go about it with the co-organizers. A few days later, out of the blue, the whole event was canceled.

My MIL then sent a text to ME saying that she was disappointed that I threw a wrench in everything by bringing up vaccines, which is everyone’s personal choice, etc. I never once suggested that the event be canceled, and I never even suggested that DH shouldn’t go. I had no direct contact with FIL or the other event planners over this. And *I’m* the one she texts!

So far, I have not responded. Should I? What would I say?

[Anonymous]

“I’m disappointed that you would be so passive aggressive.”

[Anonymous]

Forward the text to your DH, add your MIL to it and say, do you want to respond to your mother’s concerns?

[Anonymous]

Say that you understand it is disappointing and you hope it can be done in a future year. And that you were not the one who cancelled it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“I’m disappointed that you would be so passive aggressive.”

That's not passive aggressive. It's just confrontational.

[Anonymous]

[Copying your husband and your FIL]

“Hi Jane, I’d like to clear up some confusion. While I did ask Brian to talk to Carl and see if there was a way to get more information about how many adults on the trip would be unvaccinated, I did not ask for the trip to be canceled. Brian and I wanted this information so that we could make an informed decision about whether Brian alone should go, or if I should also attend with the kids.

I’m not sure where you got the impression that I ‘canceled the trip,’ or asked for it to be canceled. Hoping Carl can tell you more about how he, Betty and Jason came to this decision as the planners of this trip.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Forward the text to your DH, add your MIL to it and say, do you want to respond to your mother’s concerns?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[Copying your husband and your FIL]

“Hi Jane, I’d like to clear up some confusion. While I did ask Brian to talk to Carl and see if there was a way to get more information about how many adults on the trip would be unvaccinated, I did not ask for the trip to be canceled. Brian and I wanted this information so that we could make an informed decision about whether Brian alone should go, or if I should also attend with the kids.

I’m not sure where you got the impression that I ‘canceled the trip,’ or asked for it to be canceled. Hoping Carl can tell you more about how he, Betty and Jason came to this decision as the planners of this trip.”

+1 And I would cc Brian, Carl, Jason, and Betty (or at least Carl and Brian).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[Copying your husband and your FIL]

“Hi Jane, I’d like to clear up some confusion. While I did ask Brian to talk to Carl and see if there was a way to get more information about how many adults on the trip would be unvaccinated, I did not ask for the trip to be canceled. Brian and I wanted this information so that we could make an informed decision about whether Brian alone should go, or if I should also attend with the kids.

I’m not sure where you got the impression that I ‘canceled the trip,’ or asked for it to be canceled. Hoping Carl can tell you more about how he, Betty and Jason came to this decision as the planners of this trip.”

Seriously. X1000 this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Forward the text to your DH, add your MIL to it and say, do you want to respond to your mother’s concerns?

Do this. Don't engage beyond that but pay close attention to how your husband responds.

[Anonymous]

I would just forward to my DH and ask him to handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“I’m disappointed that you would be so passive aggressive.”

I swear, some of the advice provided on DCUM is designed to be as rude as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[Copying your husband and your FIL]

“Hi Jane, I’d like to clear up some confusion. While I did ask Brian to talk to Carl and see if there was a way to get more information about how many adults on the trip would be unvaccinated, I did not ask for the trip to be canceled. Brian and I wanted this information so that we could make an informed decision about whether Brian alone should go, or if I should also attend with the kids.

I’m not sure where you got the impression that I ‘canceled the trip,’ or asked for it to be canceled. Hoping Carl can tell you more about how he, Betty and Jason came to this decision as the planners of this trip.”

+1 And I would cc Brian, Carl, Jason, and Betty (or at least Carl and Brian).

Don't do this unless you have a bizarre enjoyment of family strife. Just let your husband handle it. His mom, his problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just forward to my DH and ask him to handle.

The above is my real answer. What I'd like to respond is "?".

[Anonymous]

Normally I'd say "let DH handle". But it sounds like part of the problem here is that somewhere along the way, someone either made an incorrect assumption or communicated something incorrect about what was going on. So in this specific case, I agree with the PP who suggested sending an email in which you cc your husband and FIL to explain the situation. You don't have to figure out who made the wrong assumption or passed along the wrong info -- it's not really important. But you should take this opportunity to clearly state that you never asked or expected anyone to do anything (much less cancel the event), but just wanted enough information to be able to make a health safety choice for your family.

Your MIL is being ridiculous either way, though. Calling you out in this way is obnoxious. It also sounds like she is eager to blame you for something that has disappointed her, which is a sadly not-uncommon DIL/MIL dynamic and a really toxic attitude. It's fine to be disappointed. But unless someone told her "Jane is insisting we cancel this event," then it seems clear to me that she is drawing some deeply unfair conclusions and is only too happy to lay the blame on you, rather than one of the many other family members who actually contributed to the cancellation.