Reply to In LTR with affair partner; exh struggles

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote] The whole thing is embarrassing and my mom has never taken responsibility for it. She wants us to act like a big happy modern family, but the lies and deceitfulness don't just go away because the liar wants them to. [/quote]

Honest question - what if your mom had handled it differently? Would that have mattered? I have talked to my therapist about this re my kids and how to talk to them about it when the opportunity or need arises. [/quote]

Yes, if she and he had gotten divorced before sleeping together I would say she has the right to date and we should accept it.  There would be no dishonesty.  This was a 4 year long secret affair within a friend group in a small town so the amount of lying was really significant and prolonged, and the public humiliation was intense.  And I found out ony own rather than through their honest disclosure.  I still feel like I can't trust my mom to tell me the truth.  Sometimes it's better that they hear it from you.  Secrets have a way of coming to the surface and you need to think about how long you want to deceive your children for, even by omitting the truth rather than speaking a lie.  They may feel manipulated.

The underlying problem is her ability to perceive reality in self-serving ways and be completely in denial of what she doesn't want to believe.  Those are the personality traits that enabled her to have an affair, and are now causing her to be a pain about wanting everyone to accept her AP.  You seem like you are in denial a bit too, OP.  Really think about whether that is serving you well here.

There are other factors like him being often unemployed and generally being annoying, but the affair is definitely the big one.  But it does definitely matter that you choose a suitable partner.  If your AP is bringing other problems into the family (money, drugs, difficult children or ex, really anything undesirable) that won't make things easier.[/quote]

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