How to Make Friends with Likeminded Moms, esp. Working Moms
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Anonymous
| Other parents in the throws of little kid years just dont have the mental energy for the most part. Do they have to be parents? Join a book club, a neighborhood association, a mom fb group (mine is great and we talk about many career and current event issues and have real and virtual events) |
Anonymous
| I also find that frustrating - most of my interactions since becoming a parent were vacuous and brief. I find that having a hobby outside of working and mothering helps. I realize timewise it can be difficult but being a lonely mom isn't a great way to live either. |
Anonymous
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Are you fit? I find many people enjoy discussing fitness.
I was a burnt out working mom. When I stopped working, I got into the best shape of my life. We joined the local pool and country club. I usually keep conversations light with acquaintances because I don’t want to offend anyone. I am highly opinionated. When I am with my kids’ friends’ parents that I am friends with, we mostly talk about kid stuff. We also discuss other topics. DH and I are well educated and so are the other parents. Not sure what kind of deep subjects you are trying to delve into on the sidelines of a soccer game. We talk to people plenty. I find the groups somewhat cliquey. There are people who go out to eat out. None of the closer soccer friends we have were met actually at soccer. We know them better because our kids were in the same class or did scouts together or DH works at the same place or industry, etc. |
Anonymous
| I wanted to add that when I was a working mom, I was busy. I did click with a few moms at preschool who were also working moms. We were all super social and we would do family outings together. It helps when the dads and siblings also click. I am still friends with those same moms. We actually talk about fitness a lot. They are very much into health and wellness. |
Anonymous
| Branch out from parenting networks. The type of people who want to talk current events and hot button issues are more likely to be found in political clubs and action-oriented nonprofits, not playgroups. |
Anonymous
| I think you need to stop looking for “mom” friends and just make friends through your hobby, work, etc. I am an Ivy educated attorney but I am not going to debate social issues with my kids’ clasemates’ moms at birthday parties. I work a flexible/part time schedule, so I have made a few “mom” friends in our suburban neighborhood, and yes the conversation is mostly focused on kids, school, etc, because that is the common denominator. And I take a hobby sport class and made friends there, where we mostly play the sport and make small talk. We are adults now - you are not going to make a “soul-mate” best friend that ticks off all your boxes. You “get” different things from various friends. |
Anonymous
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So, my friends come from (1) people I'm still close with from high school, (2) my best friends from college, (3) my co-workers (all former co-workers at this point - my current job, like yours, does not allow for much fraternizing), (4) the moms in my neighborhood, and (5) the parents of the kids in my kids' classes at school (they go to private school so these moms are not necessarily my neighbors).
My suggestion to you would be to stop looking for the whole package in one place. Get back together with your college friends and seek to satisfy the intellectual parts of yourself with them since you don't share the same current family structure. Hang out with the moms of your kids' friends and let them get to know you better, and you them. Most people don't talk about deep stuff when they first meet someone. Also, do you have a partner? Where are they in all this? My husband and I will often have conversations about deep issues because we know each other so well and can really bare our souls and say how we feel, whereas with other people (not my closest friends, obviously), I am sometimes more guarded. Finally, you say you do meet people that you think are promising and then it fizzles out. From my perspective, I make time for the people I want to spend time with. If I met someone who always wanted to have deep conversations and couldn't just hang out and chill, I wouldn't choose to be around that person very often, because it sounds kind of exhausting. My closest friends and I can talk about serious issues and light ones. We can debate issues like racism and then gossip about someone in the neighborhood. I think most people have limited time and so they want to spend their time around people who fulfill many of their needs, and I don't think most people need to have deep conversations every single day. That's just my two cents. |
Anonymous
OP, you need to re-read what you wrote. I'm not sure if I highlighted the correct portions because I only have a minute here, but you essentially say that your college friends don't have kids so you don't have anything in common with them anymore but the moms you meet want to talk about their kids and you want to discuss topics outside of that. And then the working moms are too busy to spend a ton of time doing a deep dive and creating a strong friendship with you. I say this gently but you need to meet people where they're at. Why can't you discuss things not kid-related with your college friends? If you're asking them to come have lunch with you and your kids and then debate CRT, you're kind of barking up the wrong tree. And if you want the other moms to discuss something other than their kids, why don't you try to hang out with them when your kids aren't around? And if you want to get to know other working moms, maybe don't expect them to spend five hours with you baring your soul to them. I hope you find your people, truly. I just think you may need to reevaluate what you're looking for and see that maybe you can get it, just not the way you want it. |
Anonymous
Those take time, OP. My best friend and I have been together for more than half our lives. I do have other close friends that I have met more recently, but those relationships also take time. I didn't expect them to have a debate about something while we were watching our kids at the park. I think maybe you're coming on too strong - like a guy I went on a first date with who told me he wanted to have kids in the next two years and wanted to be married for a year before having kids and wanted to be engaged for three months to have enough time to plan a wedding but not so much time that it became all consuming. I did the math and figured out he basically wanted to propose to me that night. It was totally off-putting. Maybe if you just meet people with the expectation that they will give you nothing more than the conversation you are about to have, you will be able to find out who you click with and then try to find a way to spend more time with them. And if you're looking for the close, deep friendships you used to have with your college friends, I think you ought to reach back out to them. Yes, it's hard having friends who don't live near you - my best friend and my best college friends don't live near me, so I get it - but expecting to find your bosom buddy on the sidelines of a soccer game is kind of unrealistic. |
Anonymous
If you are successful, tell me the secret of finding such friends.  I am an introvert but pretty social, highly educated, avid reader, love to discuss all kinds of topics - politics, policies, economics, spiritualism, films, music, environment - and after college I have only found 1-2 friends who are my people.
I am a SAHM. I have neither found the SAHMs around me interesting not the WOHMs. One would think that there was some connection between WOH and intellectual growth - but actually there is none. Look around your own workplace and tell me how many men or women you meet that fit your definition of "likeminded". But in all honesty, polite society demands that our conversations are limited to safe small talks in company. Which means mundane and largely inoffensive and non-controversial conversation about kids, schools, vacations, movies, recipes, sports, diet and health. No one wants to talk 'shop' and bore people or touch controversial political topics. Another thing is that unlike school or college, we are not associating with people in an intellectual environment for long periods of time on equal footing, anymore. My DH and kids thankfully are my kind of people, so that is a relief. I have someone to talk to throughout the day. I have cultivated a few friends (SAHMs and WOHMs) who share some common interests, but everyone is at different stages of life, with many time commitments, juggling responsibilities and obligations, and that means we meet once in a while (and this was pre-pandemic). My own go-to solutions have been to take classes in the community college, join book clubs, attend seminars in educational institutions, watch various Ted talks, connect with people over volunteer activities etc. The bulk of my need for interesting discussion is met by my DH. Thank God I married him. My college friends are connected on facetime and every once in a blue moon we sit and discuss things. I have always been curious if people find intellectual companionship in nursing homes. What if it is similar to being in a college dorm? Or is the memory loss and health needs too severe? |
Anonymous
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Op, you are looking in the wrong place for the type of friend that you want.
I am 43 with 3 kids. DH and I are Ivy educated. DH has a successful career and surrounded by highly intelligent people. DH is not trying to talk about matters that are interesting to you at a 2 hour birthday party. I have two masters and juggled working with kids for a long time before deciding to stay home to focus on my children. The mom friends I have made that have gone to a deeper level are getting personal and sharing personal, family and marital challenges. My dad is dying. I don’t want to discuss some book with a stranger right now. My best friend is newly divorced. I have a friend who is a nuclear engineer and we used to text about the Hills during the pandemic. I love hanging out with her because she is fun. Try being fun, OP. People will want to hang out with you more. It is harder to connect at this stage of our lives. If what we have in common is our children, it is natural to discuss our kids. I find my old friends with big careers often complain about work. I have some very successful friends and they are always worried about getting pushed out. |
Anonymous
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Places to find friends:
1) moms of your kids' friends 2) neighbors (with kids and without kids) 3) neighborhood FB buy nothing group 4) running club/workout friends 5) book club 6) high school friends 7) college friends 8) other clubs/groups with similar interests (cookbook club, canasta, maj jong, golf, barre3, gardening, etc.) 9) classes Your friends DO NOT need to be only moms with kids your child's age! |
Anonymous
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If you want to discuss hotbutton issues, you might do better finding a discussion group focused on these issues or joining a nonfiction bookclub. Most working moms of young kids are too fried to want to do that at the playground.
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Anonymous
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I think part of your problem is that you are focused on this “mom” thing while also having some pretty strong biases about SAHM and WOHM.
My close friends are: People I went to law school with, some of them work and some of them have opted out. We have a long shared history. People that never married or had kids. We mostly talk about work, but also enjoy movies, restaurants, etc People that have kids much older than mine — some are even grandparents. I met the last two categories through my neighborhood and church. One woman was actually my husband’s good friend for many years before we married and now she is my friend also. I do find it more of a challenge to become close with people with kids the same age. We have a kid with profound disabilities so we cannot participate in the same way with “family” events. It isn’t that is don’t like these people — they just don’t have the same desire I do to get together and not talk about kid stuff or they are too busy. |
Anonymous
| OP if all you do is talk about yourself, nobody will feel drawn to you. try asking more questions and being interested in other people's responses and remembering to follow up. how did doc appt go? interview? how's your dad feeling now? Also, make yourself useful - offer to take ownership of something at school. a pta position, class mom, volunteer for holiday x festivities, help lead Lego club, or whatever |