How to Make Friends with Likeminded Moms, esp. Working Moms

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the past few years, I've been quite lonely.

I am a big reader...I enjoy talking about social/economic trends, hot-button issues, my work, meaning-of-life kind of stuff. I like to debate and analyze, and have deep conversations. I was always a nerd and didn't fit in at my small private school, where kids were mostly talking about pop culture I was totally unfamiliar with.

At college, I found my group, and that was awesome. Then, we grew up and grew apart. My college friends don't have kids yet, we have changed priorities and interests, and more practically, everyone's living all over the country/the world. We catch up by phone every few months and try to see each other 1-2 times per year, but that's not a lot, and every year I feel like we have less in common.

I work at an interesting and intellectually stimulating job but all my coworkers are much younger (early 20s), so while we have great working relationships, they're not exactly friends (plus I'm in a senior role so it's unwise to befriend others anyway).

I'm lucky to have a flexible schedule, working mostly half days, so I try to meet people at preschool/school pickup, playgrounds, etc. I live in a suburb. The people I meet are mostly SAHMs and the conversations are mostly about kid/family stuff - kids' classes, gossip, "where did you buy XYZ for kid?", updates about school, vacations, weekend plans, etc. It's enjoy these topics to some extent, but it's all they seem to talk about, and when I bring up some news story or something from work, they just tune out. So the relationships are pretty shallow.

When I do meet working moms, they're (understandably) extremely busy... weekdays are hectic, weekends are family time, everyone seems to have friends already and no one is interested in investing their limited time in getting to know a stranger to see if maybe a real friendship will develop. Some women just refer me to their nanny to plan playdates. Even people that do genuinely seem interested in connecting end up being too busy and things fizzle out. I have tried approaching people in person, joining groups for working moms, joining Facebook groups in my local area, joining groups organized around some of my interests... people just don't have time.

I would really love to have close friends that I can talk to about anything, people who really get me. Not just fellow parents that I hang out with just because we have kids the same age and chat about school and summer camp. Is this even possible? What can I do?

Do you have a best friend from long ago you can call and have these conversations with? A sparring partner? Someone who enjoys these same kinds of conversations and topics? Or perhaps a partner who will debate with you?

I read a lot and am well educated, etc, but I am at a point where my emotionally deep friendships with women are not at all about current events or politics or argument or analysis. They are about mutual emotional support while we go through eldercare hell and raising kids and teens. The kind of friendship you want isn't one I'd be that interested in right now, I don't think. I listen to a lot of book/literature podcasts (mostly British) and political podcasts (from left to center-right), and I feel those provide the kind of intellectual engagement I don't get elsewhere. I wonder if you could separate out the emotional intimacy piece you're seeking from the other things you're looking for.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes, when I read posts like these, I realize there are entire generations of slightly autistic/spectrum people who were never taught, or who never learned, basic social skills.

[Anonymous]

It's much easier to cultivate these friendships when your kids are a little older, elementary age really. One of the main reasons is that then you don't have to keep eyes ON your kids. So we can sit at the park and chat, or sit on a patio and chat, while the kids play like lunatics. We still get interrupted but not nearly as much as you do with two 3 year olds running the opposite directions.

Also: the kids play together. Toddlers are terrible at playing with other kids. Once everyone turns 4, this gets better each month.

But I read the news and will chat about current events, but I'm going to keep it pretty surface level until I know you WAY better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if all you do is talk about yourself, nobody will feel drawn to you. try asking more questions and being interested in other people's responses and remembering to follow up. how did doc appt go? interview? how's your dad feeling now? Also, make yourself useful - offer to take ownership of something at school. a pta position, class mom, volunteer for holiday x festivities, help lead Lego club, or whatever

This! Not everyone may be interested in what you want to talk about. Ask about how their mom’s health is or if her sister had her baby. I know if my friend is changing departments, I am genuinely curious how her new work environment is. If I don’t like you or don’t know you or don’t care to get to know you better, I won’t care. Try being a good listener and learn to read people. You come off very judgy, like you think you are somehow better than others. I would be turned off by you. I say this as a person who was nerdy and a natural social introvert. Over the years, I have learned to be social.

[Anonymous]

This post made me reach out to a few old friends. It was nice to reconnect. Plan to meet up with two old friends. We are all vaccinated.

[Anonymous]

I’m a SAHM and would love someone to have real conversations with. It’s so hard to meet new friends as an adult. I have been lucky to have had amazing friends, but they all moved and I have no more local friends left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't dismiss the SAHMs because of this level of superficial conversation. I think many people would take a little bit longer to have conversations about hot ticket items because it can require a level of comfort that takes time to build. Add into the fact that this is occurring when you're distracted watching toddlers or preschool aged kids, I just think it takes time that you're not giving them. You seem a bit dismissive.

As for how I met my friends who are like the people you're looking for, I joined an activity for myself. Most are working parents with kids of various ages. But again, it took time for friendships to develop beyond the superficial conversation stage.

OP here. I've hung out with people for 2-4 years and gotten to know them quite well. It's not like I write people off after one playdate. We just don't click and don't have much in common...I keep hanging out with them anyway, but they still change the subject whenever I try to bring up the deeper topics that interest me.

I am a SAHM. I went to Harvard and had a long career before deciding to stay home. I check all your boxes. Just because someone is smart does not make you friends. I have a mix of working and SAHM friends. I have a lot of friends I met in mom groups, preschool and the PTA. We live in an area with well educated parents.

You should focus on making friends, not mom friends.

I'm also a SAHM and, like you, I went to fancy brand schools and had a fancy job before chucking the job. Also, like you, I have a lot of friends --- "mom friends", but also old friends from school and from work, and neighbors, and friends from volunteer gigs, and friends from book groups, and from classes I've taken, etc. My youngest child is now in college, and it's been interesting to see my peer moms who have been WOHM for years suddenly realizing that they don't have friends. I am very grateful that, as a SAHM, I've had the opportunity to cultivate and maintain friendships. Maybe in the post-pandemic era, as we think about what a healthier work-life balance could look like, we can give some consideration to the benefits of friendships.

[Anonymous]

You know the old saying, "to make a friend be a friend?" Start there. Or if the friends you want are only those with whom you can have deep intellectual discussions, then at least start by asking acquaintances what they're reading, watching or listening to. Then, if you hear something of interest read it yourself and mention that you took her suggestion, enjoyed the book, what did she think of x?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't dismiss the SAHMs because of this level of superficial conversation. I think many people would take a little bit longer to have conversations about hot ticket items because it can require a level of comfort that takes time to build. Add into the fact that this is occurring when you're distracted watching toddlers or preschool aged kids, I just think it takes time that you're not giving them. You seem a bit dismissive.

As for how I met my friends who are like the people you're looking for, I joined an activity for myself. Most are working parents with kids of various ages. But again, it took time for friendships to develop beyond the superficial conversation stage.

OP here. I've hung out with people for 2-4 years and gotten to know them quite well. It's not like I write people off after one playdate. We just don't click and don't have much in common...I keep hanging out with them anyway, but they still change the subject whenever I try to bring up the deeper topics that interest me.

I am a SAHM. I went to Harvard and had a long career before deciding to stay home. I check all your boxes. Just because someone is smart does not make you friends. I have a mix of working and SAHM friends. I have a lot of friends I met in mom groups, preschool and the PTA. We live in an area with well educated parents.

You should focus on making friends, not mom friends.

I'm also a SAHM and, like you, I went to fancy brand schools and had a fancy job before chucking the job. Also, like you, I have a lot of friends --- "mom friends", but also old friends from school and from work, and neighbors, and friends from volunteer gigs, and friends from book groups, and from classes I've taken, etc. My youngest child is now in college, and it's been interesting to see my peer moms who have been WOHM for years suddenly realizing that they don't have friends. I am very grateful that, as a SAHM, I've had the opportunity to cultivate and maintain friendships. Maybe in the post-pandemic era, as we think about what a healthier work-life balance could look like, we can give some consideration to the benefits of friendships.

Surprised it took 3 pages for this to become a SAHM vs WOHM discussion

[Anonymous]

The best way to get into those deep conversations is to see the same people consistently.

I had a weekly playgroup when my kids were little, and we spent a 2-4 hours together every Friday afternoon for 4 years. We have all moved away now, but those women are still some of my closest friends.

[Anonymous]

My wife and I (two mom family) are in the same boat as you in the sense that we stay very busy/both work full time. I think the difference is that we chose to buy a home in a neighborhood where - as a result of luck and mostly research - we ended up surrounded by people who feel similarly about lots of things. Pre-COVID, we did book clubs once a month and different moms took turns hosting at their house. It was really less about the book and more about getting together to talk and drink and eat snacks. As I look toward the summer, and as things get more normal, I imagine we'll start seeing those same moms again at park playdates, the pool, etc. That said, we do purposefully reach out to families that we click with and that our kids click with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't dismiss the SAHMs because of this level of superficial conversation. I think many people would take a little bit longer to have conversations about hot ticket items because it can require a level of comfort that takes time to build. Add into the fact that this is occurring when you're distracted watching toddlers or preschool aged kids, I just think it takes time that you're not giving them. You seem a bit dismissive.

As for how I met my friends who are like the people you're looking for, I joined an activity for myself. Most are working parents with kids of various ages. But again, it took time for friendships to develop beyond the superficial conversation stage.

OP here. I've hung out with people for 2-4 years and gotten to know them quite well. It's not like I write people off after one playdate. We just don't click and don't have much in common...I keep hanging out with them anyway, but they still change the subject whenever I try to bring up the deeper topics that interest me.

I am a SAHM. I went to Harvard and had a long career before deciding to stay home. I check all your boxes. Just because someone is smart does not make you friends. I have a mix of working and SAHM friends. I have a lot of friends I met in mom groups, preschool and the PTA. We live in an area with well educated parents.

You should focus on making friends, not mom friends.

I'm also a SAHM and, like you, I went to fancy brand schools and had a fancy job before chucking the job. Also, like you, I have a lot of friends --- "mom friends", but also old friends from school and from work, and neighbors, and friends from volunteer gigs, and friends from book groups, and from classes I've taken, etc. My youngest child is now in college, and it's been interesting to see my peer moms who have been WOHM for years suddenly realizing that they don't have friends. I am very grateful that, as a SAHM, I've had the opportunity to cultivate and maintain friendships. Maybe in the post-pandemic era, as we think about what a healthier work-life balance could look like, we can give some consideration to the benefits of friendships.

I work full-time as do all my close friends. Three of them are coming this weekend to stay at our beach house with me. One of them is coming next month to stay for a whole week. Four of them I am meeting up in DC in late summer. Two of them I am having lunch with tomorrow.

It's not a WOHM/SAHM thing. It's a personality thing.

[Anonymous]

If you really want to hang out with working moms, find someone who is single or who has a husband that frequently travels for work, then invite her (and her children) over for dinner (that you prepare) on a weeknight. Get your husband to find something else to do that night.

Either that, or find someone who is married to someone your husband also clicks with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't dismiss the SAHMs because of this level of superficial conversation. I think many people would take a little bit longer to have conversations about hot ticket items because it can require a level of comfort that takes time to build. Add into the fact that this is occurring when you're distracted watching toddlers or preschool aged kids, I just think it takes time that you're not giving them. You seem a bit dismissive.

As for how I met my friends who are like the people you're looking for, I joined an activity for myself. Most are working parents with kids of various ages. But again, it took time for friendships to develop beyond the superficial conversation stage.

OP here. I've hung out with people for 2-4 years and gotten to know them quite well. It's not like I write people off after one playdate. We just don't click and don't have much in common...I keep hanging out with them anyway, but they still change the subject whenever I try to bring up the deeper topics that interest me.

I am a SAHM. I went to Harvard and had a long career before deciding to stay home. I check all your boxes. Just because someone is smart does not make you friends. I have a mix of working and SAHM friends. I have a lot of friends I met in mom groups, preschool and the PTA. We live in an area with well educated parents.

You should focus on making friends, not mom friends.

I'm also a SAHM and, like you, I went to fancy brand schools and had a fancy job before chucking the job. Also, like you, I have a lot of friends --- "mom friends", but also old friends from school and from work, and neighbors, and friends from volunteer gigs, and friends from book groups, and from classes I've taken, etc. My youngest child is now in college, and it's been interesting to see my peer moms who have been WOHM for years suddenly realizing that they don't have friends. I am very grateful that, as a SAHM, I've had the opportunity to cultivate and maintain friendships. Maybe in the post-pandemic era, as we think about what a healthier work-life balance could look like, we can give some consideration to the benefits of friendships.

My job fills me with a sense of purpose and my closest friends are in the same field (teaching). The idea that people who work can't maintain meaninful friendships is just silly. That is what you're implying, right?

Being a SAHM just isn't an option for everyone. And it isn't a preference for everyone. I get a lot of fulfillment and sense of self from working. It makes me a better mom. That's what the pandemic showed me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't dismiss the SAHMs because of this level of superficial conversation. I think many people would take a little bit longer to have conversations about hot ticket items because it can require a level of comfort that takes time to build. Add into the fact that this is occurring when you're distracted watching toddlers or preschool aged kids, I just think it takes time that you're not giving them. You seem a bit dismissive.

As for how I met my friends who are like the people you're looking for, I joined an activity for myself. Most are working parents with kids of various ages. But again, it took time for friendships to develop beyond the superficial conversation stage.

OP here. I've hung out with people for 2-4 years and gotten to know them quite well. It's not like I write people off after one playdate. We just don't click and don't have much in common...I keep hanging out with them anyway, but they still change the subject whenever I try to bring up the deeper topics that interest me.

I am a SAHM. I went to Harvard and had a long career before deciding to stay home. I check all your boxes. Just because someone is smart does not make you friends. I have a mix of working and SAHM friends. I have a lot of friends I met in mom groups, preschool and the PTA. We live in an area with well educated parents.

You should focus on making friends, not mom friends.

I'm also a SAHM and, like you, I went to fancy brand schools and had a fancy job before chucking the job. Also, like you, I have a lot of friends --- "mom friends", but also old friends from school and from work, and neighbors, and friends from volunteer gigs, and friends from book groups, and from classes I've taken, etc. My youngest child is now in college, and it's been interesting to see my peer moms who have been WOHM for years suddenly realizing that they don't have friends. I am very grateful that, as a SAHM, I've had the opportunity to cultivate and maintain friendships. Maybe in the post-pandemic era, as we think about what a healthier work-life balance could look like, we can give some consideration to the benefits of friendships.

Some people need a pension. Friends won’t help you with that.