How to Make Friends with Likeminded Moms, esp. Working Moms

[Anonymous]

I live in the suburbs and have made most of my friends through my synagogue. Assuming you're not religious and not making friends that way, my other friends come from my kids' classmates' parents or my kids' sports parents.

I was in a book club for a while that one of the preschool moms put together, but then a couple of the families moved away and it sort of fell apart. Some of us are still friendly.

One of the moms in my older daughter's class last year threw a "mom's night out" at a local bar and then started a text group from there. We've done a few dinner nights and went to see the Barbie movie together. We talk about our kids, of course, but also the latest books we've been reading, TV shows we're watching, and where we went on vacation for the summer. Sometimes it feels superficial, but other times it's deeper. Relationships take time to develop.

If you have afternoons off, you might also look for a mommy and me afternoon program for you and your kid, where you could meet other moms. Library story hour or a music class or something where you're likely to have "regulars" that you might befriend. They may be SAHMs, but at least you'd know they're free when you're free in the afternoons.

Or plan a neighborhood happy hour in your backyard to get to know your neighbors.

Or look for a yoga class or pottery class or something for yourself and invite everyone out for drinks (or ice cream, depending on your taste) after class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live in a super family friendly and close-knit neighborhood in Arlington. My best mom friends are my neighbors and they’re all smart and fun. The proximity to each other reminds me of college. We met initially at neighborhood playgrounds, the pool and just walking our kids when they were babies. Part of the reason North Arlington is so grossly expensive is not just the location but the peer group - for parents and kids.

OP here. I am mostly listening and thinking about all the responses, but had to write back to this.

We have spent a few years in Westchester (outside NYC), currently in process of moving to the DC area. Several people specifically suggested we avoid Arlington because it would be Westchester 2.0 -- a suffocating bubble of privilege.

The total lack of self-awareness in this post is just astounding. You think you're all so amazing because you earned a ton of money and used it to segregate yourself and your kids from the rest of the world? And what about the vast majority of US families who can't afford to live in your neighborhood...maybe they should have worked harder? Avoided useless career paths like teaching or social work or whatever? Or is the attitude more like don't know/don't care/don't want to waste time thinking about other people?

Maybe that's my real problem...being surrounded by "smart" and "fun" ladies who are supremely unbothered by the fact that we're dropping $$$$ on dinners and vacations and houses, hoarding opportunities for our kids, living in an area where all the rich (mostly white/Asian) people go to one school and 15 minutes down the road all the Black and Brown kids go to another, vastly underfunded school, and turning away from these glaring inequalities as though they are not our problem.

Before you ask, I don't accost strangers with this kind of conversation on the playground...but after several years of hanging out with privileged parents in Westchester, I'm pretty confident that they just DGAF about the hypocrisy and moral issues inherent in our way of life.

So, I don't think Arlington is for me, but if anyone wants to recommend a place to live where I can meet other people who did the whole Ivy degree, big career, American Dream thing, but ultimately were not comfortable turning their backs on how our society screws over the majority of its innocent kids and families, and are trying to find a balance between living a nice life with their kids, doing the dinners and houses and vacations, but also living a just life and making this world a better place, I'm all ears.

Well, maybe you're not hiding your judgmentalness as effectively as you think. I'm sure you wouldn't say any of these things outright, but... dude you live there too! You have that house and those restaurants and that school too, just like the people you are criticizing-- is it different just because you feel guilty or unsettled about it? I don't think so.

You don't have to live in Westchester if you don't like it! There are plenty of other places to live. You can renounce material possessions. You can go abroad as a health worker with your kids. You are literally living just like the people you disparage and accuse of hypocrisy, and you wonder why people don't like you? Listen, just because people don't want to be your friend or don't want to talk about "moral issues" with you doesn't mean they don't care. It means they don't enjoy spending their social time with *you*. This may seem harsh, but you're being awfully harsh to others in what you write.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live in a super family friendly and close-knit neighborhood in Arlington. My best mom friends are my neighbors and they’re all smart and fun. The proximity to each other reminds me of college. We met initially at neighborhood playgrounds, the pool and just walking our kids when they were babies. Part of the reason North Arlington is so grossly expensive is not just the location but the peer group - for parents and kids.

OP here. I am mostly listening and thinking about all the responses, but had to write back to this.

We have spent a few years in Westchester (outside NYC), currently in process of moving to the DC area. Several people specifically suggested we avoid Arlington because it would be Westchester 2.0 -- a suffocating bubble of privilege.

The total lack of self-awareness in this post is just astounding. You think you're all so amazing because you earned a ton of money and used it to segregate yourself and your kids from the rest of the world? And what about the vast majority of US families who can't afford to live in your neighborhood...maybe they should have worked harder? Avoided useless career paths like teaching or social work or whatever? Or is the attitude more like don't know/don't care/don't want to waste time thinking about other people?

Maybe that's my real problem...being surrounded by "smart" and "fun" ladies who are supremely unbothered by the fact that we're dropping $$$$ on dinners and vacations and houses, hoarding opportunities for our kids, living in an area where all the rich (mostly white/Asian) people go to one school and 15 minutes down the road all the Black and Brown kids go to another, vastly underfunded school, and turning away from these glaring inequalities as though they are not our problem.

Before you ask, I don't accost strangers with this kind of conversation on the playground...but after several years of hanging out with privileged parents in Westchester, I'm pretty confident that they just DGAF about the hypocrisy and moral issues inherent in our way of life.

So, I don't think Arlington is for me, but if anyone wants to recommend a place to live where I can meet other people who did the whole Ivy degree, big career, American Dream thing, but ultimately were not comfortable turning their backs on how our society screws over the majority of its innocent kids and families, and are trying to find a balance between living a nice life with their kids, doing the dinners and houses and vacations, but also living a just life and making this world a better place, I'm all ears.

I live in Arlington and while I like your politics, your insistence on meeting "people who did the whole Ivy degree, big career, American Dream thing" is seems pretty darn privileged and snooty to me. I'm just a poor state school grad who doesn't meet your educational requirements.

What were you searching for that prompted you to bump a 2+ year old post? I wonder if OP has found her people since then, and if so, where?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live in a super family friendly and close-knit neighborhood in Arlington. My best mom friends are my neighbors and they’re all smart and fun. The proximity to each other reminds me of college. We met initially at neighborhood playgrounds, the pool and just walking our kids when they were babies. Part of the reason North Arlington is so grossly expensive is not just the location but the peer group - for parents and kids.

OP here. I am mostly listening and thinking about all the responses, but had to write back to this.

We have spent a few years in Westchester (outside NYC), currently in process of moving to the DC area. Several people specifically suggested we avoid Arlington because it would be Westchester 2.0 -- a suffocating bubble of privilege.

The total lack of self-awareness in this post is just astounding. You think you're all so amazing because you earned a ton of money and used it to segregate yourself and your kids from the rest of the world? And what about the vast majority of US families who can't afford to live in your neighborhood...maybe they should have worked harder? Avoided useless career paths like teaching or social work or whatever? Or is the attitude more like don't know/don't care/don't want to waste time thinking about other people?

Maybe that's my real problem...being surrounded by "smart" and "fun" ladies who are supremely unbothered by the fact that we're dropping $$$$ on dinners and vacations and houses, hoarding opportunities for our kids, living in an area where all the rich (mostly white/Asian) people go to one school and 15 minutes down the road all the Black and Brown kids go to another, vastly underfunded school, and turning away from these glaring inequalities as though they are not our problem.

Before you ask, I don't accost strangers with this kind of conversation on the playground...but after several years of hanging out with privileged parents in Westchester, I'm pretty confident that they just DGAF about the hypocrisy and moral issues inherent in our way of life.

So, I don't think Arlington is for me, but if anyone wants to recommend a place to live where I can meet other people who did the whole Ivy degree, big career, American Dream thing, but ultimately were not comfortable turning their backs on how our society screws over the majority of its innocent kids and families, and are trying to find a balance between living a nice life with their kids, doing the dinners and houses and vacations, but also living a just life and making this world a better place, I'm all ears.

Ding ding ding, here's the problem. Yes Arlington is not for you. If you want to more closely calibrate your personally acceptable level of gentrification and exposure to poverty, violence, and trauma, and live in a place where people fret about these things to each other (but seldom take any significant action, let's be real) then yes Takoma or Bloomingdale or somewhere. There are lots of people playing at "equity" on the PTA while living in million-dollar row houses.

Perhaps you would be better served by getting a job where you can engage with these issues. This kind of fretting, broad-based policy anxiety is common among parents who spend a lot of time isolated with little kids. It's boring and that makes people think anxious thoughts but they don't have enough truly free time to take any satisfying action.

If you're trying to talk about this stuff with people, it's likely to put most of them off being friends with you. It seems like you are anxious and conflicted and not at peace with your own choices, which is no fun. If you're going to try to shake up your school system, that'll make most people uncomfortable-- they live there because they like it. If you're going to constantly run your mouth with various buzzwords and not actually do anything, that'll put people off in a different way. I do really try to make change at my level, but I have no patience with people who talk, talk, talk about the big picture and the articles they have read, and lack the functional and social skills to actually implement ideas.

If you don't want to spend your money on nice stuff, you don't have to. You can just give it away instead, or whatever. Nobody's making you live this way. You're doing it because you want to.

I second Takoma. Definitely has the crunchy-we-care-about-issues vibe there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live in a super family friendly and close-knit neighborhood in Arlington. My best mom friends are my neighbors and they’re all smart and fun. The proximity to each other reminds me of college. We met initially at neighborhood playgrounds, the pool and just walking our kids when they were babies. Part of the reason North Arlington is so grossly expensive is not just the location but the peer group - for parents and kids.

OP here. I am mostly listening and thinking about all the responses, but had to write back to this.

We have spent a few years in Westchester (outside NYC), currently in process of moving to the DC area. Several people specifically suggested we avoid Arlington because it would be Westchester 2.0 -- a suffocating bubble of privilege.

The total lack of self-awareness in this post is just astounding. You think you're all so amazing because you earned a ton of money and used it to segregate yourself and your kids from the rest of the world? And what about the vast majority of US families who can't afford to live in your neighborhood...maybe they should have worked harder? Avoided useless career paths like teaching or social work or whatever? Or is the attitude more like don't know/don't care/don't want to waste time thinking about other people?

Maybe that's my real problem...being surrounded by "smart" and "fun" ladies who are supremely unbothered by the fact that we're dropping $$$$ on dinners and vacations and houses, hoarding opportunities for our kids, living in an area where all the rich (mostly white/Asian) people go to one school and 15 minutes down the road all the Black and Brown kids go to another, vastly underfunded school, and turning away from these glaring inequalities as though they are not our problem.

Before you ask, I don't accost strangers with this kind of conversation on the playground...but after several years of hanging out with privileged parents in Westchester, I'm pretty confident that they just DGAF about the hypocrisy and moral issues inherent in our way of life.

So, I don't think Arlington is for me, but if anyone wants to recommend a place to live where I can meet other people who did the whole Ivy degree, big career, American Dream thing, but ultimately were not comfortable turning their backs on how our society screws over the majority of its innocent kids and families, and are trying to find a balance between living a nice life with their kids, doing the dinners and houses and vacations, but also living a just life and making this world a better place, I'm all ears.

Well, maybe you're not hiding your judgmentalness as effectively as you think. I'm sure you wouldn't say any of these things outright, but... dude you live there too! You have that house and those restaurants and that school too, just like the people you are criticizing-- is it different just because you feel guilty or unsettled about it? I don't think so.

You don't have to live in Westchester if you don't like it! There are plenty of other places to live. You can renounce material possessions. You can go abroad as a health worker with your kids. You are literally living just like the people you disparage and accuse of hypocrisy, and you wonder why people don't like you? Listen, just because people don't want to be your friend or don't want to talk about "moral issues" with you doesn't mean they don't care. It means they don't enjoy spending their social time with *you*. This may seem harsh, but you're being awfully harsh to others in what you write.

This. No wonder OP has no friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Usually people you want to be friends with, don't think you are good enough for them while people who want to be friends with you, you think they aren't good enough for you. Everyone overestimates themselves.

It’s not a ladder. You can be rejected when you feel that you’re settling for less, or reject someone who feels that they’re settling for you.

Yes but as you can read, there is lot of self selection/rejection going on in this thread. Working doesn't want SAHMs, moms doesn't want childless, childfree doesn't want mommies, etc etc.

[Anonymous]

I think you go through periods of your life lonelier than others. It's a hard time while kids are younger making friends. It's easier when they are really young until maybe 5 or even if you're lucky 7. Then you get a few years that are harder. You do a lot of carpools for sports and such by later elementary. You get your time back by MS years and that's when I was more able to do stuff for me and have a night free here and there. I think also everyone is different and a lot of moms don't go out of their way to have a social life. They may have a few friends and that's that. It's hard to find your people so to speak the way you can in college. I just had to get through a few years where I was very lonely. I'm a working mom and open to meeting new friends but I never really did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't dismiss the SAHMs because of this level of superficial conversation. I think many people would take a little bit longer to have conversations about hot ticket items because it can require a level of comfort that takes time to build. Add into the fact that this is occurring when you're distracted watching toddlers or preschool aged kids, I just think it takes time that you're not giving them. You seem a bit dismissive.

As for how I met my friends who are like the people you're looking for, I joined an activity for myself. Most are working parents with kids of various ages. But again, it took time for friendships to develop beyond the superficial conversation stage.

OP here. I've hung out with people for 2-4 years and gotten to know them quite well. It's not like I write people off after one playdate. We just don't click and don't have much in common...I keep hanging out with them anyway, but they still change the subject whenever I try to bring up the deeper topics that interest me.

I am a SAHM. I went to Harvard and had a long career before deciding to stay home. I check all your boxes. Just because someone is smart does not make you friends. I have a mix of working and SAHM friends. I have a lot of friends I met in mom groups, preschool and the PTA. We live in an area with well educated parents.

You should focus on making friends, not mom friends.

Childfree NP. People always say this on here, but the truth is that most women are moms, and moms have something in common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Usually people you want to be friends with, don't think you are good enough for them while people who want to be friends with you, you think they aren't good enough for you. Everyone overestimates themselves.

It’s not a ladder. You can be rejected when you feel that you’re settling for less, or reject someone who feels that they’re settling for you.

Yes but as you can read, there is lot of self selection/rejection going on in this thread. Working doesn't want SAHMs, moms doesn't want childless, childfree doesn't want mommies, etc etc.

PP here. True.

[Anonymous]

Also don't be too stuck on age range, moms can truly benefit from experiences of older moms. With nuclear families and people moving, migrating, expatriating, you need mom figures to make up for not having your moms, aunts, MIL, older sisters near you. Life has becomes too artificial with people only socializing with people their own age.