How to Make Friends with Likeminded Moms, esp. Working Moms

[Anonymous]

Working moms don't have time for their own kids, much less for you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, OP. I’m the bust working mom of a 2nd grader and I feel like I tick all the boxes you mentioned. I have no idea how to make friends outside of work. Everyone is so busy. I wish I had a next door neighbor who could be my best buddy. I’m so damn lonely.

+2

I’m a likeminded mom who hasn’t been able to make friends since moving to a new place two years ago. Never had this problem before. So lonely. Also looking for friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, OP. I’m the bust working mom of a 2nd grader and I feel like I tick all the boxes you mentioned. I have no idea how to make friends outside of work. Everyone is so busy. I wish I had a next door neighbor who could be my best buddy. I’m so damn lonely.

Same to all this and OP. I miss having friends and am so lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, OP. I’m the bust working mom of a 2nd grader and I feel like I tick all the boxes you mentioned. I have no idea how to make friends outside of work. Everyone is so busy. I wish I had a next door neighbor who could be my best buddy. I’m so damn lonely.

Same to all this and OP. I miss having friends and am so lonely.

Same here. And I’m nerdier than average, which makes it even harder.

[Anonymous]

I’m a SAHM, that doesn’t mean I’m an idiot or uneducated. I love talking about anything not kid-related. I have lots of friends who are moms and many who aren’t. Maybe it’s you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM, that doesn’t mean I’m an idiot or uneducated. I love talking about anything not kid-related. I have lots of friends who are moms and many who aren’t. Maybe it’s you, OP.

Yeah, we can’t relate to people who have so much time on their hands. And we’re looking for deep friendships not a shallow pool of acquaintances. Those are not hard to come by.

[Anonymous]

Melinda Wenner Moyer (science writer) just had a good substack about this issue. There's research showing that being interesting, cool, etc., are less important for making friends than making clear to people that you enjoy spending time with them.

To do that, though, you need to be more selective than most people are (or arguably have time to be). You have to find people you actually click with. You also don't need many of them - even one close friend makes a huge difference in quality of life.

I make and keep friendships easily and I'm pretty picky about those friends. I've learned through the years not to focus on befriending parents of my kids' friends, because it often ends up being complicated. We're often friendly, not they're not particularly close. What has worked: a regular workout I *love*, where I meet like-minded women; keeping up with a few pre-kid friends with whom I get along the best; being clear with people that I enjoy their company. Small talk isn't the issue so much as waiting for a connection, so it's like dating in that way. With all the women I've developed friendships, we had an instant affinity, even if the friendship took more time to grow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the past few years, I've been quite lonely.

I am a big reader...I enjoy talking about social/economic trends, hot-button issues, my work, meaning-of-life kind of stuff. I like to debate and analyze, and have deep conversations. I was always a nerd and didn't fit in at my small private school, where kids were mostly talking about pop culture I was totally unfamiliar with.

At college, I found my group, and that was awesome. Then, we grew up and grew apart. My college friends don't have kids yet, we have changed priorities and interests, and more practically, everyone's living all over the country/the world. We catch up by phone every few months and try to see each other 1-2 times per year, but that's not a lot, and every year I feel like we have less in common.

I work at an interesting and intellectually stimulating job but all my coworkers are much younger (early 20s), so while we have great working relationships, they're not exactly friends (plus I'm in a senior role so it's unwise to befriend others anyway).

I'm lucky to have a flexible schedule, working mostly half days, so I try to meet people at preschool/school pickup, playgrounds, etc. I live in a suburb. The people I meet are mostly SAHMs and the conversations are mostly about kid/family stuff - kids' classes, gossip, "where did you buy XYZ for kid?", updates about school, vacations, weekend plans, etc. It's enjoy these topics to some extent, but it's all they seem to talk about, and when I bring up some news story or something from work, they just tune out. So the relationships are pretty shallow.

When I do meet working moms, they're (understandably) extremely busy... weekdays are hectic, weekends are family time, everyone seems to have friends already and no one is interested in investing their limited time in getting to know a stranger to see if maybe a real friendship will develop. Some women just refer me to their nanny to plan playdates. Even people that do genuinely seem interested in connecting end up being too busy and things fizzle out. I have tried approaching people in person, joining groups for working moms, joining Facebook groups in my local area, joining groups organized around some of my interests... people just don't have time.

I would really love to have close friends that I can talk to about anything, people who really get me. Not just fellow parents that I hang out with just because we have kids the same age and chat about school and summer camp. Is this even possible? What can I do?

Be nice and friendly with everyone, without judging them for if they can be of some use or if they are up to your standards. When you are then you'll find that people can pleasantly surprise you and there is more to most then meets the eye.

[Anonymous]

Usually people you want to be friends with, don't think you are good enough for them while people who want to be friends with you, you think they aren't good enough for you. Everyone overestimates themselves.

[Anonymous]

Lower your arrogance, tone down your privilege, avoid being judgmental and you shall find people will start liking and befriending you. Instead of focusing on what people can give you, think of what you can offer them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Usually people you want to be friends with, don't think you are good enough for them while people who want to be friends with you, you think they aren't good enough for you. Everyone overestimates themselves.

Speak for yourself. Lol

No woman in my family has trouble making friends.

And some of us are a bunch of weirdos ( me), while others are as normal as they come.

If you consider friendship as important to your wellbeing as a roof over your head, you will find a way to make and keep them.

You keep reaching and extending an invite, a warm gesture or kind words to women you think would make good friends. Some of them will eventually respond positively.

[Anonymous]

Building friendships is actually hard work -- it's not just about being at some random kid-related setting (playground, soccer sidelines) and hoping to have a good conversation. You need to keep reaching out, inviting, planning, showing interest....then a fraction of those efforts result in a good connection ...

Groups of moms at the playground, whether SAH or working, talk about surface kid stuff. One-on-one situations are where you start to talk about more, and good friends, SAH or working, talk about non-kid related things all the time.

Also, you try to talk about your job at the playground, REALLY??? I hardly ever talk about my job even to my DH or close friends. I hope you do something really interesting!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Usually people you want to be friends with, don't think you are good enough for them while people who want to be friends with you, you think they aren't good enough for you. Everyone overestimates themselves.

It’s not a ladder. You can be rejected when you feel that you’re settling for less, or reject someone who feels that they’re settling for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Melinda Wenner Moyer (science writer) just had a good substack about this issue. There's research showing that being interesting, cool, etc., are less important for making friends than making clear to people that you enjoy spending time with them.

To do that, though, you need to be more selective than most people are (or arguably have time to be). You have to find people you actually click with. You also don't need many of them - even one close friend makes a huge difference in quality of life.

I make and keep friendships easily and I'm pretty picky about those friends. I've learned through the years not to focus on befriending parents of my kids' friends, because it often ends up being complicated. We're often friendly, not they're not particularly close. What has worked: a regular workout I *love*, where I meet like-minded women; keeping up with a few pre-kid friends with whom I get along the best; being clear with people that I enjoy their company. Small talk isn't the issue so much as waiting for a connection, so it's like dating in that way. With all the women I've developed friendships, we had an instant affinity, even if the friendship took more time to grow.

Agree with all of this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live in a super family friendly and close-knit neighborhood in Arlington. My best mom friends are my neighbors and they’re all smart and fun. The proximity to each other reminds me of college. We met initially at neighborhood playgrounds, the pool and just walking our kids when they were babies. Part of the reason North Arlington is so grossly expensive is not just the location but the peer group - for parents and kids.

OP here. I am mostly listening and thinking about all the responses, but had to write back to this.

We have spent a few years in Westchester (outside NYC), currently in process of moving to the DC area. Several people specifically suggested we avoid Arlington because it would be Westchester 2.0 -- a suffocating bubble of privilege.

The total lack of self-awareness in this post is just astounding. You think you're all so amazing because you earned a ton of money and used it to segregate yourself and your kids from the rest of the world? And what about the vast majority of US families who can't afford to live in your neighborhood...maybe they should have worked harder? Avoided useless career paths like teaching or social work or whatever? Or is the attitude more like don't know/don't care/don't want to waste time thinking about other people?

Maybe that's my real problem...being surrounded by "smart" and "fun" ladies who are supremely unbothered by the fact that we're dropping $$$$ on dinners and vacations and houses, hoarding opportunities for our kids, living in an area where all the rich (mostly white/Asian) people go to one school and 15 minutes down the road all the Black and Brown kids go to another, vastly underfunded school, and turning away from these glaring inequalities as though they are not our problem.

Before you ask, I don't accost strangers with this kind of conversation on the playground...but after several years of hanging out with privileged parents in Westchester, I'm pretty confident that they just DGAF about the hypocrisy and moral issues inherent in our way of life.

So, I don't think Arlington is for me, but if anyone wants to recommend a place to live where I can meet other people who did the whole Ivy degree, big career, American Dream thing, but ultimately were not comfortable turning their backs on how our society screws over the majority of its innocent kids and families, and are trying to find a balance between living a nice life with their kids, doing the dinners and houses and vacations, but also living a just life and making this world a better place, I'm all ears.

Ding ding ding, here's the problem. Yes Arlington is not for you. If you want to more closely calibrate your personally acceptable level of gentrification and exposure to poverty, violence, and trauma, and live in a place where people fret about these things to each other (but seldom take any significant action, let's be real) then yes Takoma or Bloomingdale or somewhere. There are lots of people playing at "equity" on the PTA while living in million-dollar row houses.

Perhaps you would be better served by getting a job where you can engage with these issues. This kind of fretting, broad-based policy anxiety is common among parents who spend a lot of time isolated with little kids. It's boring and that makes people think anxious thoughts but they don't have enough truly free time to take any satisfying action.

If you're trying to talk about this stuff with people, it's likely to put most of them off being friends with you. It seems like you are anxious and conflicted and not at peace with your own choices, which is no fun. If you're going to try to shake up your school system, that'll make most people uncomfortable-- they live there because they like it. If you're going to constantly run your mouth with various buzzwords and not actually do anything, that'll put people off in a different way. I do really try to make change at my level, but I have no patience with people who talk, talk, talk about the big picture and the articles they have read, and lack the functional and social skills to actually implement ideas.

If you don't want to spend your money on nice stuff, you don't have to. You can just give it away instead, or whatever. Nobody's making you live this way. You're doing it because you want to.