How to Make Friends with Likeminded Moms, esp. Working Moms

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the past few years, I've been quite lonely.

I am a big reader...I enjoy talking about social/economic trends, hot-button issues, my work, meaning-of-life kind of stuff. I like to debate and analyze, and have deep conversations. I was always a nerd and didn't fit in at my small private school, where kids were mostly talking about pop culture I was totally unfamiliar with.

At college, I found my group, and that was awesome. Then, we grew up and grew apart. My college friends don't have kids yet, we have changed priorities and interests, and more practically, everyone's living all over the country/the world. We catch up by phone every few months and try to see each other 1-2 times per year, but that's not a lot, and every year I feel like we have less in common.

I work at an interesting and intellectually stimulating job but all my coworkers are much younger (early 20s), so while we have great working relationships, they're not exactly friends (plus I'm in a senior role so it's unwise to befriend others anyway).

I'm lucky to have a flexible schedule, working mostly half days, so I try to meet people at preschool/school pickup, playgrounds, etc. I live in a suburb. The people I meet are mostly SAHMs and the conversations are mostly about kid/family stuff - kids' classes, gossip, "where did you buy XYZ for kid?", updates about school, vacations, weekend plans, etc. It's enjoy these topics to some extent, but it's all they seem to talk about, and when I bring up some news story or something from work, they just tune out. So the relationships are pretty shallow.

When I do meet working moms, they're (understandably) extremely busy... weekdays are hectic, weekends are family time, everyone seems to have friends already and no one is interested in investing their limited time in getting to know a stranger to see if maybe a real friendship will develop. Some women just refer me to their nanny to plan playdates. Even people that do genuinely seem interested in connecting end up being too busy and things fizzle out. I have tried approaching people in person, joining groups for working moms, joining Facebook groups in my local area, joining groups organized around some of my interests... people just don't have time.

I would really love to have close friends that I can talk to about anything, people who really get me. Not just fellow parents that I hang out with just because we have kids the same age and chat about school and summer camp. Is this even possible? What can I do?

I hear you. I'm you but different.

In my ideal world, I would meet a mom who was caring, down to earth, smart, helpful, INTERESTED in other things besides vacations, dinner and children's activities and her DH was equally friendly and laid back.

My friend who is a sahm and I cannot have a conversation more than a minute because ALL she is interested in is the bubble of her family. I get it but don't you read a book, watch tv, read the news, have atleast 1 hobby, etc?? If I mentioned anything else, she will shoot it down! lol Remember this pop group from the 2000? Eeewwww I didn't like them. You get the idea.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't dismiss the SAHMs because of this level of superficial conversation. I think many people would take a little bit longer to have conversations about hot ticket items because it can require a level of comfort that takes time to build. Add into the fact that this is occurring when you're distracted watching toddlers or preschool aged kids, I just think it takes time that you're not giving them. You seem a bit dismissive.

As for how I met my friends who are like the people you're looking for, I joined an activity for myself. Most are working parents with kids of various ages. But again, it took time for friendships to develop beyond the superficial conversation stage.

OP here. I've hung out with people for 2-4 years and gotten to know them quite well. It's not like I write people off after one playdate. We just don't click and don't have much in common...I keep hanging out with them anyway, but they still change the subject whenever I try to bring up the deeper topics that interest me.

I am a SAHM. I went to Harvard and had a long career before deciding to stay home. I check all your boxes. Just because someone is smart does not make you friends. I have a mix of working and SAHM friends. I have a lot of friends I met in mom groups, preschool and the PTA. We live in an area with well educated parents.

You should focus on making friends, not mom friends.

I'm also a SAHM and, like you, I went to fancy brand schools and had a fancy job before chucking the job. Also, like you, I have a lot of friends --- "mom friends", but also old friends from school and from work, and neighbors, and friends from volunteer gigs, and friends from book groups, and from classes I've taken, etc. My youngest child is now in college, and it's been interesting to see my peer moms who have been WOHM for years suddenly realizing that they don't have friends. I am very grateful that, as a SAHM, I've had the opportunity to cultivate and maintain friendships. Maybe in the post-pandemic era, as we think about what a healthier work-life balance could look like, we can give some consideration to the benefits of friendships.

I work full-time as do all my close friends. Three of them are coming this weekend to stay at our beach house with me. One of them is coming next month to stay for a whole week. Four of them I am meeting up in DC in late summer. Two of them I am having lunch with tomorrow.

It's not a WOHM/SAHM thing. It's a personality thing.

To be fair, that is also a mom-of-older-kids thing. The OP (and I) have little kids, in my case three under 7 right now. I just can't go away for the weekend, especially since I'm still breastfeeding, and no friend wants to stay at my crazy house for a week. I think the OP just needs to give it a few years. People with little kids don't have the bandwidth to get together with friends and discuss deep thing whether they work or SAH. Those days may be coming for us, but they aren't right now.

Nope, it's a you thing.

Ever since my kids were born (and they're all under 7 now, so I'm not as different from you as you think), I have gone away for the weekend or had friends come to visit. Those of us who were nursing pumped - it's not rocket science.

[Anonymous]

You have to build up the relationships to those deeper levels. I don't talk politics/news or deeper issues with a friend until I really get to know them well and even then, I tend to avoid those topics because I'd rather talk about fun stuff or chat about the kids--my brain is too tired to get into a political debate when I'm hanging out. My MIL was visiting the other weekend and all she wants to talk about is the news...makes my eyes glaze over and yes, I am well-educated, keep up with the news, am a big reader, but if I'm meeting people at the playground or getting together with a group of mom friends (not my super close "sister-type" friends), news/politics, work stories, etc really aren't the topic of conversation. Yes, some of those topics get woven in, but we're not having a debate over major new topics. Save those for your DH or your closer friends who like to discuss those things. Just find things in common to chat about w/the moms you're meeting--I always try to find something to compliment someone-oh hey, I like your sandals, where did you get them? and that's a conversation starter right there. Or, I'll ask, "got any fun plans this summer?" and again, conversation starter and just go from there. As a PP said, try the art of small talk and just get to know the person first before you dive into something deeper.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't dismiss the SAHMs because of this level of superficial conversation. I think many people would take a little bit longer to have conversations about hot ticket items because it can require a level of comfort that takes time to build. Add into the fact that this is occurring when you're distracted watching toddlers or preschool aged kids, I just think it takes time that you're not giving them. You seem a bit dismissive.

As for how I met my friends who are like the people you're looking for, I joined an activity for myself. Most are working parents with kids of various ages. But again, it took time for friendships to develop beyond the superficial conversation stage.

OP here. I've hung out with people for 2-4 years and gotten to know them quite well. It's not like I write people off after one playdate. We just don't click and don't have much in common...I keep hanging out with them anyway, but they still change the subject whenever I try to bring up the deeper topics that interest me.

I am a SAHM. I went to Harvard and had a long career before deciding to stay home. I check all your boxes. Just because someone is smart does not make you friends. I have a mix of working and SAHM friends. I have a lot of friends I met in mom groups, preschool and the PTA. We live in an area with well educated parents.

You should focus on making friends, not mom friends.

I'm also a SAHM and, like you, I went to fancy brand schools and had a fancy job before chucking the job. Also, like you, I have a lot of friends --- "mom friends", but also old friends from school and from work, and neighbors, and friends from volunteer gigs, and friends from book groups, and from classes I've taken, etc. My youngest child is now in college, and it's been interesting to see my peer moms who have been WOHM for years suddenly realizing that they don't have friends. I am very grateful that, as a SAHM, I've had the opportunity to cultivate and maintain friendships. Maybe in the post-pandemic era, as we think about what a healthier work-life balance could look like, we can give some consideration to the benefits of friendships.

Did your DH maintain his friendships?

She social engineers her DH’s and DC’s friendships 😀

I am a WOHM with three close friends whom I see individually or together at least once a month despite having little kids. I’m sure that time will increase when the kids grow up and leave us alone! I don’t need to quit so I can do weekday coffees and lunches because I’d rather be busy using my brain rather than hanging out at Starbucks all day chatting about the price of groceries...

Dp here. I’m not sure why women have to rip each other apart. I am a SAHM now but I used to be a working mom. I will probably go back to work or do some nonprofit work. My working status does not define me. DH works and earns a seven figure income so my income is not needed. I am plenty busy with my three children.

Why do SAHMs always talk about their husband’s seven figure income 😀

[Anonymous]

I agree with others that you're expecting too much, OP. On paper I'm the kind of mom you're talking about -- Ivy-eductaed atty WOHM to little kids. Really interested in politics, news, I read a lot...

But I also LOVE talking about kid stuff, learning from other parents and getting ideas, I think child development is SO interesting and novel for me to think and learn about. I have great conversations with other moms on topics like this. It's less superficial than other stuff but not awkward/loaded like politics etc can be. I guess I would recommend trying to reassess whether these other moms/conversations are really that superficial.

And I still talk to longtime friends. It's hard to make time but those friendships are unique.

[Anonymous]

PP here. I'll add that I'm not really interested in hearing about someone else's job, with rare exceptions. Most ppl in DMV think their jobs are so cool and interesting to others. I did too, lol. But it's not.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know where OP lives but the DMV is full of well educated moms, both SAHM and WOHM. We live in McLean and surrounded by lawyers and doctors. I’m a SAHM and have met many other well educated women. It was the same in NYC. There was no shortage of well educated smart women. Maybe it is you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't dismiss the SAHMs because of this level of superficial conversation. I think many people would take a little bit longer to have conversations about hot ticket items because it can require a level of comfort that takes time to build. Add into the fact that this is occurring when you're distracted watching toddlers or preschool aged kids, I just think it takes time that you're not giving them. You seem a bit dismissive.

As for how I met my friends who are like the people you're looking for, I joined an activity for myself. Most are working parents with kids of various ages. But again, it took time for friendships to develop beyond the superficial conversation stage.

OP here. I've hung out with people for 2-4 years and gotten to know them quite well. It's not like I write people off after one playdate. We just don't click and don't have much in common...I keep hanging out with them anyway, but they still change the subject whenever I try to bring up the deeper topics that interest me.

I am a SAHM. I went to Harvard and had a long career before deciding to stay home. I check all your boxes. Just because someone is smart does not make you friends. I have a mix of working and SAHM friends. I have a lot of friends I met in mom groups, preschool and the PTA. We live in an area with well educated parents.

You should focus on making friends, not mom friends.

I'm also a SAHM and, like you, I went to fancy brand schools and had a fancy job before chucking the job. Also, like you, I have a lot of friends --- "mom friends", but also old friends from school and from work, and neighbors, and friends from volunteer gigs, and friends from book groups, and from classes I've taken, etc. My youngest child is now in college, and it's been interesting to see my peer moms who have been WOHM for years suddenly realizing that they don't have friends. I am very grateful that, as a SAHM, I've had the opportunity to cultivate and maintain friendships. Maybe in the post-pandemic era, as we think about what a healthier work-life balance could look like, we can give some consideration to the benefits of friendships.

Did your DH maintain his friendships?

She social engineers her DH’s and DC’s friendships 😀

I am a WOHM with three close friends whom I see individually or together at least once a month despite having little kids. I’m sure that time will increase when the kids grow up and leave us alone! I don’t need to quit so I can do weekday coffees and lunches because I’d rather be busy using my brain rather than hanging out at Starbucks all day chatting about the price of groceries...

Dp here. I’m not sure why women have to rip each other apart. I am a SAHM now but I used to be a working mom. I will probably go back to work or do some nonprofit work. My working status does not define me. DH works and earns a seven figure income so my income is not needed. I am plenty busy with my three children.

Why do SAHMs always talk about their husband’s seven figure income 😀

Every. Single. Time.

[Anonymous]

OP, talking about hot button topics has become markedly more fraught in the last five years or so. The other soccer moms aren’t going to talk to you on the sidelines about hot topics. I generally won’t talk to people about current events except in a very superficial way unless I’ve know them for a decade or more.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's not you, it's DC mom culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live in a super family friendly and close-knit neighborhood in Arlington. My best mom friends are my neighbors and they’re all smart and fun. The proximity to each other reminds me of college. We met initially at neighborhood playgrounds, the pool and just walking our kids when they were babies. Part of the reason North Arlington is so grossly expensive is not just the location but the peer group - for parents and kids.

OP here. I am mostly listening and thinking about all the responses, but had to write back to this.

We have spent a few years in Westchester (outside NYC), currently in process of moving to the DC area. Several people specifically suggested we avoid Arlington because it would be Westchester 2.0 -- a suffocating bubble of privilege.

The total lack of self-awareness in this post is just astounding. You think you're all so amazing because you earned a ton of money and used it to segregate yourself and your kids from the rest of the world? And what about the vast majority of US families who can't afford to live in your neighborhood...maybe they should have worked harder? Avoided useless career paths like teaching or social work or whatever? Or is the attitude more like don't know/don't care/don't want to waste time thinking about other people?

Maybe that's my real problem...being surrounded by "smart" and "fun" ladies who are supremely unbothered by the fact that we're dropping $$$$ on dinners and vacations and houses, hoarding opportunities for our kids, living in an area where all the rich (mostly white/Asian) people go to one school and 15 minutes down the road all the Black and Brown kids go to another, vastly underfunded school, and turning away from these glaring inequalities as though they are not our problem.

Before you ask, I don't accost strangers with this kind of conversation on the playground...but after several years of hanging out with privileged parents in Westchester, I'm pretty confident that they just DGAF about the hypocrisy and moral issues inherent in our way of life.

So, I don't think Arlington is for me, but if anyone wants to recommend a place to live where I can meet other people who did the whole Ivy degree, big career, American Dream thing, but ultimately were not comfortable turning their backs on how our society screws over the majority of its innocent kids and families, and are trying to find a balance between living a nice life with their kids, doing the dinners and houses and vacations, but also living a just life and making this world a better place, I'm all ears.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound insufferable. That being said, try Petworth, Bloomingdale, Mt. Pleasant, 16th St Heights, Brookland.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live in a super family friendly and close-knit neighborhood in Arlington. My best mom friends are my neighbors and they’re all smart and fun. The proximity to each other reminds me of college. We met initially at neighborhood playgrounds, the pool and just walking our kids when they were babies. Part of the reason North Arlington is so grossly expensive is not just the location but the peer group - for parents and kids.

OP here. I am mostly listening and thinking about all the responses, but had to write back to this.

We have spent a few years in Westchester (outside NYC), currently in process of moving to the DC area. Several people specifically suggested we avoid Arlington because it would be Westchester 2.0 -- a suffocating bubble of privilege.

The total lack of self-awareness in this post is just astounding. You think you're all so amazing because you earned a ton of money and used it to segregate yourself and your kids from the rest of the world? And what about the vast majority of US families who can't afford to live in your neighborhood...maybe they should have worked harder? Avoided useless career paths like teaching or social work or whatever? Or is the attitude more like don't know/don't care/don't want to waste time thinking about other people?

Maybe that's my real problem...being surrounded by "smart" and "fun" ladies who are supremely unbothered by the fact that we're dropping $$$$ on dinners and vacations and houses, hoarding opportunities for our kids, living in an area where all the rich (mostly white/Asian) people go to one school and 15 minutes down the road all the Black and Brown kids go to another, vastly underfunded school, and turning away from these glaring inequalities as though they are not our problem.

Before you ask, I don't accost strangers with this kind of conversation on the playground...but after several years of hanging out with privileged parents in Westchester, I'm pretty confident that they just DGAF about the hypocrisy and moral issues inherent in our way of life.

So, I don't think Arlington is for me, but if anyone wants to recommend a place to live where I can meet other people who did the whole Ivy degree, big career, American Dream thing, but ultimately were not comfortable turning their backs on how our society screws over the majority of its innocent kids and families, and are trying to find a balance between living a nice life with their kids, doing the dinners and houses and vacations, but also living a just life and making this world a better place, I'm all ears.

You sound like someone I would be friends with! And I am from westchester and now live in DC so know exactly what you’re talking about. You would definitely prefer almost anywhere in dc (avoid georgetown and spring valley).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes, when I read posts like these, I realize there are entire generations of slightly autistic/spectrum people who were never taught, or who never learned, basic social skills.

This was 100% my thought while reading this post.

I’m surprised it took so many replies before someone pointed it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live in a super family friendly and close-knit neighborhood in Arlington. My best mom friends are my neighbors and they’re all smart and fun. The proximity to each other reminds me of college. We met initially at neighborhood playgrounds, the pool and just walking our kids when they were babies. Part of the reason North Arlington is so grossly expensive is not just the location but the peer group - for parents and kids.

OP here. I am mostly listening and thinking about all the responses, but had to write back to this.

We have spent a few years in Westchester (outside NYC), currently in process of moving to the DC area. Several people specifically suggested we avoid Arlington because it would be Westchester 2.0 -- a suffocating bubble of privilege.

The total lack of self-awareness in this post is just astounding. You think you're all so amazing because you earned a ton of money and used it to segregate yourself and your kids from the rest of the world? And what about the vast majority of US families who can't afford to live in your neighborhood...maybe they should have worked harder? Avoided useless career paths like teaching or social work or whatever? Or is the attitude more like don't know/don't care/don't want to waste time thinking about other people?

Maybe that's my real problem...being surrounded by "smart" and "fun" ladies who are supremely unbothered by the fact that we're dropping $$$$ on dinners and vacations and houses, hoarding opportunities for our kids, living in an area where all the rich (mostly white/Asian) people go to one school and 15 minutes down the road all the Black and Brown kids go to another, vastly underfunded school, and turning away from these glaring inequalities as though they are not our problem.

Before you ask, I don't accost strangers with this kind of conversation on the playground...but after several years of hanging out with privileged parents in Westchester, I'm pretty confident that they just DGAF about the hypocrisy and moral issues inherent in our way of life.

So, I don't think Arlington is for me, but if anyone wants to recommend a place to live where I can meet other people who did the whole Ivy degree, big career, American Dream thing, but ultimately were not comfortable turning their backs on how our society screws over the majority of its innocent kids and families, and are trying to find a balance between living a nice life with their kids, doing the dinners and houses and vacations, but also living a just life and making this world a better place, I'm all ears.

Well now we all know why you have a hard time making friends. You sound insufferable. What an uninteresting and judgmental vent.