Collecting friends' phones

[Anonymous]

Seems like a good idea - I prefer a child wake me up to call her parents, just like in the good old days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A mother I know collects the phones of her kids' friends when she hosts birthday parties. She recently had a birthday party at her house, 10 kids in attendance, collected their phones when they walked in the door and gave them back as they left. She said she didn't want the girls to post pictures on Instagram/Snapchat of the party and cause drama.
The girls are 13. Good idea or controlling?

I know of a dad who collected phones before a sleepover and got into trouble with a guest's family because the girl couldn't contact her parents. I think it's too controlling. Just lay out expectations about phone usage and tell the girls to be mindful of posts that may hurt other's feelings.

I agree. Too controlling.

[Anonymous]

I personally find such a rule to be invasive, overly controlling, and not something I would ever be likely to implement. However, both my kids and I realize that different families do things differently and that it is incumbent upon a guest to abide by household expectations so invitations should only be accepted to people's homes where the rules they will be expected to obey are tolerable to us.

If phones were collected and kept out of the way but somewhere accessible without intervention by the host parent in case one of the guests needed to use their phone, such as it seems 08:00 does, I would be fine with that. The phone would still be fairly accessible to my child should either they or I need to communicate about safety or logistical matters, and where phones are to be stored would just be a matter of the other family's rules.

If, however, phones were collected and kept by the host parent in such a way that my child would need to go through the parent to get access, I would not be alright with that. Most of the reasons for which I could see kids at a sleepover needing to contact home are rare/unlikely but definitely not the sort of situation in which I think most kids -- but definitely mine -- would be comfortable bothering or imposing on the friend's parent. If someone else has become the gatekeeper of my child's actual ability to communicate with me or receive communications from me, I would not consider the phone to be fulfilling its primary purpose (a safety feature) so I would have to evaluate whether the sleepover was one I would allow my child to attend without a functional phone. Most likely, the existence of such a household policy on the part of the host would cause me to decline to have my kids sleep over. Not to mention that I do find it strange and somewhat inappropriate for another parent to confiscate property that depending on how you look at it either belongs to my child or belongs to me and which I have given to my child to keep and use. My kids are not generally, with few exceptions, permitted to share their phones or allow anyone besides themselves to be in possession of them.

[Anonymous]

DD attended a party where the mom collected the phones but left them all on the table by the front door. Kids can get to the if needed but weren't consumed by them during the party. Makes perfect sense to me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD attended a party where the mom collected the phones but left them all on the table by the front door. Kids can get to the if needed but weren't consumed by them during the party. Makes perfect sense to me!

This. Keep them in a public space. Sends the message that the party is about talking to each other in person, but if you need your phone for some emergency, it's there. It's not like the mom is collecting them to read what kids are posting. THAT is controlling.

[Anonymous]

I just had a kid being her iPad to my daughters 8 YO birthday sleep under.

She asked me for the wifi password and I said I didn't know it. Then she "lost" it and made this huge ruckus. It was super annoying and she won't be coming back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I personally find such a rule to be invasive, overly controlling, and not something I would ever be likely to implement. However, both my kids and I realize that different families do things differently and that it is incumbent upon a guest to abide by household expectations so invitations should only be accepted to people's homes where the rules they will be expected to obey are tolerable to us.

If phones were collected and kept out of the way but somewhere accessible without intervention by the host parent in case one of the guests needed to use their phone, such as it seems 08:00 does, I would be fine with that. The phone would still be fairly accessible to my child should either they or I need to communicate about safety or logistical matters, and where phones are to be stored would just be a matter of the other family's rules.

If, however, phones were collected and kept by the host parent in such a way that my child would need to go through the parent to get access, I would not be alright with that. Most of the reasons for which I could see kids at a sleepover needing to contact home are rare/unlikely but definitely not the sort of situation in which I think most kids -- but definitely mine -- would be comfortable bothering or imposing on the friend's parent. If someone else has become the gatekeeper of my child's actual ability to communicate with me or receive communications from me, I would not consider the phone to be fulfilling its primary purpose (a safety feature) so I would have to evaluate whether the sleepover was one I would allow my child to attend without a functional phone. Most likely, the existence of such a household policy on the part of the host would cause me to decline to have my kids sleep over. Not to mention that I do find it strange and somewhat inappropriate for another parent to confiscate property that depending on how you look at it either belongs to my child or belongs to me and which I have given to my child to keep and use. My kids are not generally, with few exceptions, permitted to share their phones or allow anyone besides themselves to be in possession of them.

Well said. This is exactly how I feel.

[Anonymous]

If your child isn't able to speak up enough to tell a parent that they need to use the phone, they aren't old enough to be advocating for themselves in a sleep over situation to begin with.

Teaching my kids that its okay to call me, no matter whom they have to ask to do so, is important to me. I can't advocate for kids who don't know how to advocate for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too controlling

I had a mother ask me to collect phones,when her son slept over, so I did.

The boy never got invited to any party again because "his moms psycho" and the kids didn't want to deal with him/her anymore.

Middle school is a time to learn the dos and donuts of phone use. Simply ask the girls not to post pictures other girls that were not invited would see and they will comply or not, then they deal with the fallout.

Wow! Mean kids!

I teach my kids to choose friends wisely and psycho is good to stay away from.

The nut does not fall far from the tree.

Don't teach your kids to be crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your child isn't able to speak up enough to tell a parent that they need to use the phone, they aren't old enough to be advocating for themselves in a sleep over situation to begin with.

Teaching my kids that its okay to call me, no matter whom they have to ask to do so, is important to me. I can't advocate for kids who don't know how to advocate for themselves.

Glad that works for you. Doesn't work for me. I prefer my kids not have to go through another adult to contact me which is why my kid has a phone. I don't need another parent policing my communications with my kid - and I'm just as likely to text my kid as they are me.

[Anonymous]

And that's great, your child just won't be coming over.

I'm not becoming responsible for your child's internet usage while they are in my home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your child isn't able to speak up enough to tell a parent that they need to use the phone, they aren't old enough to be advocating for themselves in a sleep over situation to begin with.

Teaching my kids that its okay to call me, no matter whom they have to ask to do so, is important to me. I can't advocate for kids who don't know how to advocate for themselves.

Glad that works for you. Doesn't work for me. I prefer my kids not have to go through another adult to contact me which is why my kid has a phone. I don't need another parent policing my communications with my kid - and I'm just as likely to text my kid as they are me.

Policing? It's that I DONT want to police it. If you can't go a few hours without texting your child maybe examine why?

[Anonymous]

I think this post just points to two different sets of parenting values - on one hand some parents want their kids to be okay with being phone-free. To being okay with not having a phone in hand or with constant communication. On the other hand other parents want 24/7 access and constant communication and want their child to always have phone in hand. I think both see the other as controlling and invasive! One by taking the phone away, the other who wants the phone always there.

[Anonymous]

I don't want your kid texting other kids, on apps I don't approve of, on electronics when they can socialize in person under the FAKE guise that they need their phones in case of an emergency. Give me a break. We're talking 8-12 hours. Use a phone for a call, fine. Use it for musically? Nope

[Anonymous]

Op here thanks for the replies and perspective. I don't mind that the mom took my DD's phone--her house, her rules, and in other situations I have genuine respect for this mom's parenting.
These kids are 13. What if they were 16? Does the age change anything? I also have a 10 year old DD and have no problem taking her and her friends iPads and putting them in "time out", telling them to go play outside or get off the screens and go to bed. With the 13 year olds it still doesn't sit right with me to enforce at my house.