how could I have handled this better -- found self in argument with both DS, 3 and DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:thanks to everyone for responses. re 11:10's third point -- when I'm rubbing my child's back and he immediately says "I dont want YOU to rub my back...then turns and says Daddy will you rub my back?"

The appropriate response is for DH to gamely say sure and then for me to exit stage left?

Yes. Children are people with preferences too. It's ok that dad is favorite right now. Why is your child not allowed to have an opinion?

Yep. This is a tough, tough age, but yes, it would be time to get Daddy, and then as a PP suggested, Daddy would need to have the talk about being kind to Mommy.

It sucks, and it's hard not to take personally, but it's not personal, the capricious whims of a three year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:thanks to everyone for responses. re 11:10's third point -- when I'm rubbing my child's back and he immediately says "I dont want YOU to rub my back...then turns and says Daddy will you rub my back?"

The appropriate response is for DH to gamely say sure and then for me to exit stage left?

Absolutely. Kids illustrate preference for one parent over another ALL THE TIME. I say this as the non-preferred parent. 99% of the time I view it as a positive that DH has such a strong bond with our children that DC #1 wants him more often than me. Sometimes it's annoying if he isn't around, but generally in the moment that's when you go, great! Daddy is right here, see you tomorrow. Think of it this way, it would be equally frustrating if DC always wanted you.

In terms of DH asking for an apology, yes you should apologize. If he asked you to remove your hand and you didn't, I agree with PP it is no different than asking DC to do something and them not doing it, but worse because you have impulse control. You can explain the WHY of what led to it, and it sounds like you did that and he understands. You need to rationally ask yourself whether he is modeling respectful behavior towards you and have a conversation about DC mirroring that behavior though, if this is a pattern.

[Anonymous]

thanks 11:48, really appreciate your insight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:thanks to everyone for responses. re 11:10's third point -- when I'm rubbing my child's back and he immediately says "I dont want YOU to rub my back...then turns and says Daddy will you rub my back?"

The appropriate response is for DH to gamely say sure and then for me to exit stage left?

In the moment, yes. Then discuss the issue with DH privately. Not the same day as a 10-hour drive, though. Ideally, DH would not comply with DS's demand since DS was rude about it, but that's for you and DH to work out later.

[Anonymous]

Well a slightly different take... I do think kids have preferences; I don't think they get to set all family interaction based on those whims. My DS has/had a strong Mom preference: this does not set who gives the kids a bath, bedtime routine, holds his hand crossing the road. On the broader routines we alternate (e.g. bedtime), and I think this was hugely beneficial to DS and helped him build a better relationship with DH. So I strongly disagree with some of the advice here.

That said, what is a weird here is that the interaction in question was touching, and I don't think it is a good idea to ever force touching with a kid beyond the necessary, e.g. safety/ hygiene. So while I think it would make sense to stay firm on who does what in terms of broader routines, it is a little controlling to continue giving someone (anyone!) a backrub when they do not want it. And really, thinking about it, you were kind of disrespecting touching boundaries for both DH and DS, which maybe was an underlying issue that in part set DH off. (Though I also agree that he still totally blew the concern out of proportion, at least according to your story.)

[Anonymous]

We dealt with parental favoritism, by having an evening schedule with one parent in charge and our child got who they got. I feel like it gives kids too much power and ultimately makes them feel less safe if they can reject one parent and get the other one. In your situation, I think I'd apologize for your husband for your part in the conflict and sit down at some point when you are both calm and relaxed and talk about how you are going to deal with favoritism going forward.

[Anonymous]

Your kid is just being a normal 3/4 year old. I would ignore the rejection and this phase will pass. Your husband is being a drama queen.

[Anonymous]

OP - i don't have any particular advice on this situation, just b/c I understand how you guys got there and that it sucks.

I will say that there's not much you can do about your son having a preference and really try to understand his age. My older son clearly prefers my DH and my younger one clearly prefers me. It's a joke b/c when we got to dinner and ask who they want to sit with, we know the answer.

[Anonymous]

umm.. your kid is a kid, but your husband sounds like a major asshole. i can't image being talked to in such a manner 10 hour drive or not.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can see you are frustrated, but the way you describe the situation, it seemed like you overreacted, which to me just means it was the last straw.

Kids' preferences shift over time, but I did notice that they are more likely to prefer the parent that they get less of. It doesn't help your relationship with your son for you to be this sensitive about his preference. I would focus on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:umm.. your kid is a kid, but your husband sounds like a major asshole. i can't image being talked to in such a manner 10 hour drive or not.

+1

Stop taking the kid's favoritism personally, and get into therapy with your husband. Nothing about your interactions with each other seems healthy.

[Anonymous]

Here with go with the typical DCUM hypocrisy, OP. If your husband had put his hands on you and you asked him to remove them and he didn't wouldn't you be upset? Half of DCUM would consider that abuse. How is it even a question whether or not you did something wrong there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here with go with the typical DCUM hypocrisy, OP. If your husband had put his hands on you and you asked him to remove them and he didn't wouldn't you be upset? Half of DCUM would consider that abuse. How is it even a question whether or not you did something wrong there?

+1 In addition, half of DCUM is staunchly against forcing any kind of physical touch with kids (i.e. grandma's hugs, grandpa's kisses, etc.) so if your kid tells you not to touch him you should take heed.

[Anonymous]

your husband sounds like a controlling ass.
he could have pulled his head out of his bum and tried to help you out. um, "you crossed a relationship line" wth ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FFS. Yes, OP obviously didn't handle it well. She knows that. OP, talk to your DH about how you can BOTH deal with DS's rudeness. He's 3 and old enough to speak to any adult, particularly a parent, appropriately. DH needs to be on your team though, and not just reveling in being the preferred parent (if he does that). It's fine for your son to have a preference, it's not fine for him to yell at you or otherwise be rude.

I was the strongly preferred parent for my daughter and I saw that it stung my husband. You have to kind of try to get over it though. It will pass. And ignore your ILs, and think about whether to ask your DH to ask that they not comment on it anymore. It is a very normal thing, plenty of posts on this board about the phenomenon.

At 3, kids sometimes have an irrational preference for a parent. It passes. Mine had daily preferences. I want Mommy to put me in the car seat! Not Daddy! Waaaah! [Meltdown]. Then on the way back home it would be a preference for the other parent. We usually catered toward her preferences because it took less time than arguing with her or explaining or getting to change her behavior. As she grew older, now at 4, we reinforced the idea that she doesn't get to pick who helps her. We told her "If Mommy is busy, Daddy helps. If Daddy is busy, you get Mommy. We are a team, we help each other. You get whom you get." It's gotten better.

Btw, I'm the preferred parent to a 4 year old most times and always with our 1 year old. It's a mixed blessing. Sometimes I wish one of them preferred DH, it would be easier!