how could I have handled this better -- found self in argument with both DS, 3 and DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure op is a reliable narrator, and I find myself questioning how accurately she's reporting the arm touch incident. It sounds too odd to be real.

This. I think she grabbed him more roughly than she's admitting and DH telling her she didn't after the fact is either untrue or his way of deescalating and disengaging with it after it was all over with because he didn't want to get into it again.

[Anonymous]

My husband did something similar to me - kind of tried to put me in a bear hug when I was trying to avoid him in the middle of a fight with my kid. It has seriously damaged our relationship.

If you want the marriage to last, you need to apologize, or at the very least consider counseling to work this through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure op is a reliable narrator, and I find myself questioning how accurately she's reporting the arm touch incident. It sounds too odd to be real.

This. I think she grabbed him more roughly than she's admitting and DH telling her she didn't after the fact is either untrue or his way of deescalating and disengaging with it after it was all over with because he didn't want to get into it again.

Agree. There is always a possibility that OPs DH is truly batshit crazy and reacted that way to a completely benign touch but I think it's more likely OP isn't being honest with us and/or herself over how she touched him.

[Anonymous]

OP, you were wrong, and your DH was wrong. Your poor DS is caught in the middle of it. You need to sit down immediately with DH and figure out a plan for how to work through this, even if you don't want to. It sounds like you are both really angry at each other and need to express that to each other before you can move forward. If you can't do that constructively on your own, then find a counselor to help you work through it.

As for your DS, you need to figure out a strategy that works for both of you and that you both agree on. Probably that means that your DH sometimes does what he asks for but in a delayed way and other times says it's Mommy's turn to do X or Y. But you both have to agree on it. And also agree on a way to calmly interfere if one of you doesn't feel comfortable with how something is happening -- whether that's a gentle touch or a word or whatever.

If the roles were reversed and the DH grabbed the DW and didn't listen when she said to let go, this would be a case of rape culture and not respecting boundaries. I'm not saying that you tried to do anything wrong, but you obviously aren't being as respectful of how people want to be touched as you should be. Your DS asked you not to hug him, so you rubbed his back. If he doesn't want you to, you stop, period. If you don't start respecting boundaries like this, you are teaching him that it's okay for him not to, and that will lead to problems for him and in his relationships in the future.

You need to do some therapy do deal with how you feel about your DS rejecting you. You shouldn't need to cut back on work just to be a part of your kid's life. He probably sees how much it bothers you and is playing you for it (even if he doesn't realize he's doing it). If you keep trying to force things, he will only make it worse. Ever had a guy who was a little TOO interested in you? It made you want to run the opposite direction probably. Same with your DS. Back off, and he will find his way to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure op is a reliable narrator, and I find myself questioning how accurately she's reporting the arm touch incident. It sounds too odd to be real.

I agree. OP stated that she objected to her husband's taking over the back rub. It sounded to me like she was grabbing his wrist as a way of stopping it. If so, even if she wasn't aggressive about it, this is t a matter of a bad reaction to a simple touch; it's that she's trying to get her husband not to comfort their son (which is bizarre) and is doing so with touch.

The thread title is off-putting. We don't fight with 3-year-old children. Or puppies. Or rain clouds. The fact that you're seeing your son as someone who can be in a fight with you says you either don't understand child development or you don't understand what it means to be the adult in the room.

You can ask your son to use kinder words but you can't force him to prefer your touch and you most certainly can't deny him his father's comforting touch. Comport is not a privilege not a reward. It's a need. You seem more concerned with your ego and your son's preferences than his needs.

I don't like the way your husband spoke to you. In a vacuum, this would be unacceptable. However, your post indicates that you are a challenging person to coparenr with and your husband is rightly frustrated. He's got a wife who is absorbed in her own needs and acting like a child. He's trying to comfort a three-year-old and being second-guessed for it.

My strong suspicion is, that wasn't the first time you've lost it at them either.

Go to counseling by yourself and with your husband. Get some perspective. And in the meantime don't act so needy with your kid. He's a baby. Be a grown woman.

[Anonymous]

When my DD1 was 1.75, my DW was trying to get her ready for bed. I was in the next room over and DW asked me for help because DD1 was being wiggly.

DD1 looks at my DW and says in the most serious tone she'd ever taken to that point, "Daddy. Do. Everything."

DW was in tears and I was giggling the whole time as I got her ready for bed.

Of course, when DD1 expressed a preference for DW, I was very ostentatious about having DW do things and making a big show of (watching TV/playing on the computer/reading). Then when DD1 was in bed, I'd be sure to mention all the non-kid stuff I was doing.

When DD2 tried pulling that stuff, my DW decided to adopt my playbook.

[Anonymous]

OP you were all tired and all acted poorly. It happens. Tell your husband you are sorry for getting overly upset, give him a big hug and tell him you will try to do better in the future. Then tell him it was the perfect storm of long day and feeling hurt by your son's rejection and you should have walked away and asked him to put DS to bed rather than poke the bear.

We all have triggers that cause us to act irrationally and in a good marriage you learn about what they are and help mitigate the situation before it happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you were wrong, and your DH was wrong. Your poor DS is caught in the middle of it. You need to sit down immediately with DH and figure out a plan for how to work through this, even if you don't want to. It sounds like you are both really angry at each other and need to express that to each other before you can move forward. If you can't do that constructively on your own, then find a counselor to help you work through it.

As for your DS, you need to figure out a strategy that works for both of you and that you both agree on. Probably that means that your DH sometimes does what he asks for but in a delayed way and other times says it's Mommy's turn to do X or Y. But you both have to agree on it. And also agree on a way to calmly interfere if one of you doesn't feel comfortable with how something is happening -- whether that's a gentle touch or a word or whatever.

If the roles were reversed and the DH grabbed the DW and didn't listen when she said to let go, this would be a case of rape culture and not respecting boundaries. I'm not saying that you tried to do anything wrong, but you obviously aren't being as respectful of how people want to be touched as you should be. Your DS asked you not to hug him, so you rubbed his back. If he doesn't want you to, you stop, period. If you don't start respecting boundaries like this, you are teaching him that it's okay for him not to, and that will lead to problems for him and in his relationships in the future.

You need to do some therapy do deal with how you feel about your DS rejecting you. You shouldn't need to cut back on work just to be a part of your kid's life. He probably sees how much it bothers you and is playing you for it (even if he doesn't realize he's doing it). If you keep trying to force things, he will only make it worse. Ever had a guy who was a little TOO interested in you? It made you want to run the opposite direction probably. Same with your DS. Back off, and he will find his way to you.

I think you make some good points but more than one poster has said that the bolded is not the case. I was one of them.

I am not going to make assumptions about op to fit my narrative. I acknowledge that she could be spinning things but if what happened happened the way she said it did then that is effed up for a spousal interaction no matter which gender is doing it.

Non aggressive touching in a marriage should not be treated the way you would treat an assault from a stranger. Period. You all are coming up with stories about ops reliability to excuse the DH saying something so crazy (and in front of the kid, a crime op is guilty of too).