how could I have handled this better -- found self in argument with both DS, 3 and DH

[Anonymous]

We drove 10 hours last week to spend some time at SIL's house....it was a long day and we were all tired. At one point when we're all getting ready to sit down for dinner, DS runs off to another part of the house, I go to find him and he starts shouting "go away, I don't want you!" It stings and I'm embarrassed as my ILs have frequently remarked over the past few years about how DS has such a strong preference for DH.

The parent favoritism has gotten significantly better after I dropped to 4 day/wk work schedule to have one solo day with him -- I have tried everything I can to improve bond, am the only one who takes DS to parks, playdates and any sort of class (music, swimming, gymnastics etc -- husband has never even met most of teachers for these classes). Even so, while we've seen some improvement, DS prefers DH most of the time.

Anyhow, on Friday night as we're getting ready for bed and DS is refusing to calm down, jumping out of bed, crawling under bed etc, I give him a hug to try to calm him -- "I don't want you to hug me." I stop, a few minutes later he lays down and I rub his back -- "I don't want you to rub my back."

Without missing a beat he turns to DH and says "daddy I want you to rub my back." DH immediately says sure and starts rubbing DS's back -- I'm both hurt and angry that DS is manipulating us like this and dh is letting him. I reach out and gently grab DH's arm to try to silently get his attention about what just happened in an attempt to try to convey that we're being played without saying it out loud so DS can hear. DH sits straight up and says "take your hands off me now." I pause in shock because now both DS and DH are angrily rejecting any attempt at physical contact with me -- DH repeats himself. "take your hands off me right now. we don't get physical with each other and you've just crossed a boundary in our relationship."

Words can't even express how angry this made me. First of all, in no way, shape or form, had I reached out in anger or aggression to DH -- my grip on his arm was gentle and intended to catch his attention.

I lost it with both of them and said in probably one of the most hostile tones I've ever used in my life -- "take it up with a judge if you're concerned. I am sick of being treated poorly in this household and DS is rude to me because you are rude to me and your sh*Tbag father is rude to me." I then stood up, walked to a bed on the other side of the room and proceeded to stare at phone until I had time to calm down.

I'm not proud of it, but all of the above is true. DH confirms afterwards that I didn't grab him in a hard or aggressive manner, says he was exhausted after drive and spaced out and hadn't heard DS make rude comments to me beforehand re rubbing his back and didn't realize situation at hand. He insists I owe him an apology for not immediately removing my hand from his arm when he asked me to do so -- I am frankly just shocked that I apparently need to ask my husband to touch his arm, and think any delay in doing so stemmed from my being appalled at DH's reaction to my attempt to get help w/ DS behavior.

I have no idea how I could have better handled this situation while maintaining some dignity; except I obviously should have not made the comments about my FIL, true as they are. Help please.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry, but I see a lot of missteps on your part here.


10 hours in the car -- child who is irritable and touched out -- you picking a fight over nothing. Why do you get to this point?

[Anonymous]

You are all acting like you are your 4 year old. How often is your 4 year old hearing his Dad put you down and talk negative about you? That is the core of the issue, he is imitating somebody. So, think about this now, your DS just heard his Dad tell you not to touch him, next day your DS is saying it to you. Imitation and while I don't know how you act with your DS, your DH and you are both immature.

[Anonymous]

FFS. Yes, OP obviously didn't handle it well. She knows that. OP, talk to your DH about how you can BOTH deal with DS's rudeness. He's 3 and old enough to speak to any adult, particularly a parent, appropriately. DH needs to be on your team though, and not just reveling in being the preferred parent (if he does that). It's fine for your son to have a preference, it's not fine for him to yell at you or otherwise be rude.

I was the strongly preferred parent for my daughter and I saw that it stung my husband. You have to kind of try to get over it though. It will pass. And ignore your ILs, and think about whether to ask your DH to ask that they not comment on it anymore. It is a very normal thing, plenty of posts on this board about the phenomenon.

[Anonymous]

Marital therapy for you and dh, and stop taking your ds's preferences for dh personally.

[Anonymous]

Where to begin? First, sometimes kids will prefer one parent. It's natural, and normal. He's 3 - are you really getting bent out of shape about this? You need to adjust your perception.

Second, "He insists I owe him an apology for not immediately removing my hand from his arm when he asked me to do so -- I am frankly just shocked that I apparently need to ask my husband to touch his arm" You do owe him an apology. It isn't that you need permission, it's that he asked you to stop and you didn't. Whatever the reason (you being "appalled," which we'll get to in a minute) he's right. Your formulation of the situation is like your kid grabbing a cookie, you telling him to drop it, him not doing it, you getting mad, and him saying, "I didn't know I needed permission to have a cookie." Not the issue at all.

Third, your 3 yo son asked his father to rub his back, when he's tired and cranky after a long day, your husband started to do that, and you grabbed his arm to try to prevent him? Jesus, lady. This goes back to the first point, but you completely overreacted to your son's preference for his father at the moment.

Fourth (not finally, there's lots more you did wrong here, but I'm busy), you don't know how you could have handled it better? Oy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Second, "He insists I owe him an apology for not immediately removing my hand from his arm when he asked me to do so -- I am frankly just shocked that I apparently need to ask my husband to touch his arm" You do owe him an apology. It isn't that you need permission, it's that he asked you to stop and you didn't. Whatever the reason (you being "appalled," which we'll get to in a minute) he's right. Your formulation of the situation is like your kid grabbing a cookie, you telling him to drop it, him not doing it, you getting mad, and him saying, "I didn't know I needed permission to have a cookie." Not the issue at all.

THIS.

[Anonymous]

uh. look, first things first. you are getting your feelings hurt by a 4yo, and being embarrassed by totally normal 4yo behavior. you are being manipulated because of you, not because of anyone else. parent preferences are normal and fickle. my 4yo says mean things to me, like, daily; I generally roll my eyes and go about my business, working in some lessons on kindness and empathy when I have time and never rewarding the behavior. I've never been under the impression she actually hates me or won't be my friend or doesn't want me around. (I do comply with demands not to touch her because I want her to be in charge of her own body. but any other statements which are merely unkind get ignored or corrected, depending ont he circumstance.)

assuming your account is right, your DH was rude to you as well. AND you owe him an apology for not complying with his request. so, I'd say apologies all around. chalk it up to a shitty day . . . and then stop letting your emotions be ruled your 4yos whims.

[Anonymous]

He isn't manipulating you, he's being a kid and saying what he wants at that moment. Sometimes my kids (boys 3 and almost 6) want their dad. They say, I want Daddy! and I say OK, if it's practical at that moment. You need to figure out why you're reacting so strongly to this.

[Anonymous]

thanks to everyone for responses. re 11:10's third point -- when I'm rubbing my child's back and he immediately says "I dont want YOU to rub my back...then turns and says Daddy will you rub my back?"

The appropriate response is for DH to gamely say sure and then for me to exit stage left?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:thanks to everyone for responses. re 11:10's third point -- when I'm rubbing my child's back and he immediately says "I dont want YOU to rub my back...then turns and says Daddy will you rub my back?"

The appropriate response is for DH to gamely say sure and then for me to exit stage left?

Yes. Children are people with preferences too. It's ok that dad is favorite right now. Why is your child not allowed to have an opinion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:thanks to everyone for responses. re 11:10's third point -- when I'm rubbing my child's back and he immediately says "I dont want YOU to rub my back...then turns and says Daddy will you rub my back?"

The appropriate response is for DH to gamely say sure and then for me to exit stage left?

Yes. And WHILE DH is rubbing DS's back he should talk to him about speaking kindly to Mommy "I prefer Daddy rubs my back." But YES. When someone tells you not to touch them, YOU LISTEN.

You are in the wrong here. Kids, like adult,s have preferences for different people. Respect that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:thanks to everyone for responses. re 11:10's third point -- when I'm rubbing my child's back and he immediately says "I dont want YOU to rub my back...then turns and says Daddy will you rub my back?"

The appropriate response is for DH to gamely say sure and then for me to exit stage left?

I think given the circumstances, yes. If only because everyone is exhausted and overstimulated from travel and being in new surroundings. If this were a run-of-the-mill day, your husband should probably be prepared to remind your son to speak kindly to you and perhaps agree to rub his back only after the child apologized and re-stated his request more kindly. My kids have a preference for me, which is hard on me and my spouse. Sometimes I'll take care of something if I'm asked to & my spouse is asked not to, but other times they have to live with the more available parent or whatever. It depends on the situation. And we enforce kindness.

One thing that jumped out--I noticed that you're doing all of the fun activities--does your child also get one-on-one time with his dad? I wonder if you've gone a bit too far on trying to encourage your relationship with him so that he maybe feels like he doesn't have enough with his dad. I'm not sure what the right balance is here, but it's a thought.

As far as your husband--I think you two need to talk and get on the same page. It very much seems as though you aren't, though it also sounds like visiting your in-laws is a stressful situation for you which compounded the issue. Either way, you and your husband need to be on the same page and the same team. For what it's worth, try to view the times your son prefers his dad as a break for you--time to get something done or even just relax and unwind for a few minutes. That might help a little bit. And ignore what your in-laws say about the preference. Many kids have preferences, that's not unusual. Just say yup and carry on.

[Anonymous]

We could disect this all day long. But I will tell you as the mom of five grown/nearly grown kids, the answer is super obvious to me. You are feeling hurt, rejected, embarrassed, and guilty.

Hurt - You feel that your inlaws, your DH and your preschooler are against you.

Rejected - You say your preschooler "strongly prefers your DH". You go on to explain that you have tried to fix the relationship with your son by cutting back on work and spending more time with him. Your DH "doesn't even know his teachers' names" after all.

Embarrassed - Even your in-laws have noticed that your son strongly prefers his father. Everyone knows young children should prefer their mothers. They must think you are a bad mom.

Guilty - You cut back on your work schedule to fix the relationship.

Does it seem kind of silly when you read it? Let's look at it realistically.

Hurt/Rejected - Most (all of mine) kids go through periods where they prefer one parent over the other. As a secure mom, I was thrilled when my kids wanted daddy. Perfect excuse for letting dad handle bedtime! Taking it out on your husband is silly. Your child is not rejecting you. He is telling you that in that moment, he wanted dad. Six months from now, he may not let daddy cut his steak. But today, he wants daddy. Don't take it personally. It isn't about you.

Embarrassed - If your in-laws remember anything about having young kids, they aren't giving this a thought. If anything, they are happy to see that their son is an involved father. I have two grandkids. I would never judge my DIL for something like this. We would probably laugh about it.

Guilty - This is the one that jumps out at me. Why are you feeling so guilty? Your DH works outside the home, right? Do you really believe that working is damaging your relationship with your son? I think if you can sort out the guilt issue, the rest will fall in place.

I'll call you on this - I don't believe you gently touched your DH's arm. I'm not suggesting you were abusive. But I would bet money you grabbed his arm in a moment of anger and frustration.

Spend some time sorting out where the guilt and insecurity come from. And talk openly with your DH about your feelings. He needs to be more sensitive as well. Parenting is hard. We all have moments when we aren't our best. Work on it. But don't beat yourself up over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:thanks to everyone for responses. re 11:10's third point -- when I'm rubbing my child's back and he immediately says "I dont want YOU to rub my back...then turns and says Daddy will you rub my back?"

The appropriate response is for DH to gamely say sure and then for me to exit stage left?

If DH is in the room and wants to rub his back and you guys decided that's fine then he takes over and you sledge. Or DH says, "mommy is rubbing your. Ack now I'll do it tomorrow". If you know the latter will be met by a tantrum st bedtime that can be avoided then don't do it. Preferences happen, the 4 year old is a 4 year old.