how could I have handled this better -- found self in argument with both DS, 3 and DH
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Anonymous
DCUM is not one person. just because some people said one thing on a one topic doesn't mean it is those very same people who are reacting differently in a different topic. |
Anonymous
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These posts are astounding me.
OP I am with everyone on child favoritism. It happens, it will pass, it sucks but you just have to get through it. THAT SAID if your husband reacted to you touching his arm by harshly telling you to take your hands off them then there is something WRONG in your marriage. Is there a history of inappropriate physicality between you two? That is simply not a normal reaction between spouses. It isn't an appropriate thing to do if you're in the middle of a fight but if you're in a neutral situation than grasping the other person's arm should not elicit a response like that. I don't even know what I would do if my DH talked to me like that after touching him. Not proud but I'm pretty sure I'd be crying myself to sleep and we'd be having a series of very serious conversations about it. And before anyone tells me I'm being hypocritical I would ABSOLUTELY say the same thing if the genders are reversed. Non-violent touching between spouses should not be reacted to the same way I'd react to someone grabbing me in an unwanted sexual interaction at work or something. OP I think you guys should go to therapy. I would even be considering divorce over something like that. I could not deal with my DH talking to me like that for touching his arm that is REALLY intense. |
Anonymous
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OP, it sounds like a perfect storm of little things building up to turn into a big blowout:
1. Overtired kid (and sounds like overtired adults too) 2. Feelings of being judged by inlaws 3. Communications issues between you and your DH 4. Hurt feelings over your son's comments Both of my kids have had strong parent preferences at times. I have not always been one or both's favorite, and it hurts - but I'm the adult, and it's my job not to show that hurt. For one, a big reaction feeds into the preference. And two, it's my job to love and take care of them whether I'm their favorite or not. No good ever comes out of trying to force something when everyone is tired. It is hard not being on the same page as your spouse. I hope you two can talk through things, either at home or with a therapist, to help you both get into a better place. |
Anonymous
I just want to say that I would be super pissed if I had driven 10 hours and then was showing my kid affection and my DH tried to physically stop me. First of all get out of my personal space/interaction with my kid, and second who are you to be so controlling/ smothering? |
Anonymous
see, it's the whole "get off my personal space" thing that i don't get. luckily, i don't need to. the scene described is pretty much unimaginable in my family. |
Anonymous
Yes. Unless you planned to punish him for the attitude. Otherwise, you're just trying to comfort someone that doesn't want to be comforted by you. What do you care as long as he's getting comforted? You are putting too much emphasis on this preference thing. No way would I change my kid's schedule because of something that was bothering ME. |
Anonymous
+1! Also even if I am feeling that I would not verbally lash out at my spouse for touching me. I might look up annoyed or talk about it later or move my arm away, but to yell at your spouse like they assaulted you? That is indicative of SERIOUS marital issues IMO |
Anonymous
| Your DS asked you not to touch him, your DH asked you not to touch him. Do you think that just because you're mom you have carte blanche to touch everyone? |
Anonymous
I am not OP but I actually do feel like in my family I have a carte blanche to touch other people without being looked at like I have two heads. I touch DD all the time. Sometimes she pulls away and thats ok. I touch DH all the time. Sometimes its romantic sometimes it's not. Sometimes its lingering and sometimes its not. NEVER it is met with an intense, 'get your hands off of me right now.' |
Anonymous
yup. husband's reaction is so over the top (lawyerly, clinical) no matter how uncomfortable he felt. i mean, sure, indicate you are not in the mood for a particular touch at the moment, but this is just pathological. |
Anonymous
+1 "You've gotten physical and crossed a boundary in our relationship?" I'd be inclined to believe OP grabbed her husband harder than she says she did, but her husband later confirmed that her touch wasn't rough or aggressive. OP, how is your marriage otherwise? Is your husband normally cold? |
Anonymous
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My son prefers me over my wife when he needs to get his ass wiped. Oh man, I'm so honored every time..not!
This is perfectly normal for their age. I'm sure there are times when your son prefers you over his Dad. At their age, they switch back and forth all the time. My son would hate me 1 hour, asked me to go away, only wanted mommy and 1 hour later, he would wonder where I am. |
Anonymous
| You did not get into a "fight" with your 3 year old, you are buying into letting him have the power to upset you. Don't let it upset you anymore. My husband has said things like this before because he is dramatic and has a horrible temper, things he will recognize about himself when not angry. Situations escalate when you are hurt and creating battle lines. Stop giving your child the power to upset you re this silly preference issue and stop catering to him all the time; let your husband do half the classes. You are creating an unhealthy dynamic. As for your husband, you clearly don't like his parents and you feel mistreated there. Don't go again. The best way to fix this whole dynamic would be to have another kid - you and your husband are competing for this kid's affection and it is damaging the whole dynamic - but that doesn't sound wise. |
Anonymous
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"DH sits straight up and says "take your hands off me now." I pause in shock because now both DS and DH are angrily rejecting any attempt at physical contact with me -- DH repeats himself. "take your hands off me right now. we don't get physical with each other and you've just crossed a boundary in our relationship."
seriously, what the hell? Does your husband regularly over react about stuff like this? I would be shocked if my DH said that to me. Your DH sounds like a huge asshole |
Anonymous
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OP again, thanks for all the insight. to be clear re the classes, my husband doesn't want to take DS to classes, he chooses to stay home, that's why I'm going to all of them -- definitely not hogging them for myself.
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