how could I have handled this better -- found self in argument with both DS, 3 and DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't even with this thread. We have the OP over here throwing out unwanted touches and you all are concerned about the way her DH spoke to her after he asked her not to touch him and she refused? Amazing.

You, like, literally can't even?

It's not amazing except to people who are used to dysfunctional relationships.

+1 I'm finding it hard to even fathom being in a relationship where touching my DH (or my DW if I was a guy) and having the person say that I had 'crossed a physical boundary in our relationship' and to 'remove my hand right this second.' Unless there was physical abuse in the past and you all have set up very strict boundaries for this reason this is off the chain. I can't imagine the rest of your relationship is loving and supportive if this is how a relatively harmless touching interaction goes.

And other PP I think snapping in the moment is different. And it is unlikley to involve such intentionally cold and clinical language. It would be more of a 'ugh get off of me jeez' or something. Not this like, the way I would talk to a guy at a bar I thought was crossing the line or something.

yup. i shudder at the thought of living with such a man. omg.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't even with this thread. We have the OP over here throwing out unwanted touches and you all are concerned about the way her DH spoke to her after he asked her not to touch him and she refused? Amazing.

You, like, literally can't even?

It's not amazing except to people who are used to dysfunctional relationships.

+1 I'm finding it hard to even fathom being in a relationship where touching my DH (or my DW if I was a guy) and having the person say that I had 'crossed a physical boundary in our relationship' and to 'remove my hand right this second.' Unless there was physical abuse in the past and you all have set up very strict boundaries for this reason this is off the chain. I can't imagine the rest of your relationship is loving and supportive if this is how a relatively harmless touching interaction goes.

And other PP I think snapping in the moment is different. And it is unlikley to involve such intentionally cold and clinical language. It would be more of a 'ugh get off of me jeez' or something. Not this like, the way I would talk to a guy at a bar I thought was crossing the line or something.

Yes, exactly. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed and don't want to be touched. Sometimes I snap at my spouse to stop touching me. I don't tell them they've crossed a boundary in our relationship- the fact that OP's husband did makes me think there must be abuse in their relationship for him to jump to that very high, very serious level immediately.

And I certainly don't demand an apology later on, outside of the moment where I was overwhelmed and needlessly snapped. Again, unless OP is leaving out a lot and also lying about her husband admitting she didn't touching him roughly, this is a very strange reaction on his part.

[Anonymous]

Oh ladies, you are making fools of yourselves trying to demonize the DH's behavior in this situation. It is clear from this interaction that OP was completely in the wrong. She needs to learn a)not to touch people when they ask her not to and b)not to take it personally when DS prefers DH. Problem solved.

On a side note, no wonder so many of you have miserable marriages. There are 5 pages of DH bashing going on when the issue is clearly with OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh ladies, you are making fools of yourselves trying to demonize the DH's behavior in this situation. It is clear from this interaction that OP was completely in the wrong. She needs to learn a)not to touch people when they ask her not to and b)not to take it personally when DS prefers DH. Problem solved.

On a side note, no wonder so many of you have miserable marriages. There are 5 pages of DH bashing going on when the issue is clearly with OP.

Yes, the fact that so many people can't imagine their husbands not wanting them to touch them is probably proof that we have miserable marriages. Good thinking.

No one is saying OP acted correctly, she's clearly behaving childishly with the competition for her son's affection. But the way that her husband responded to her touch is not a normal interaction. Even if she should have reacted by immediately removing her hand from his arm, the reaction is a sign that there's something very wrong in this marriage. I'm not going to go so far as to say he's a psycho -- the previous poster who said it sounds like language you bring into a relationship recovering from abuse is more likely correct in my mind -- but this is not a healthy dynamic.

If OP had reacted better in the moment -- if she had immediately stopped touching him and gave DH and DS space to snuggle -- this story would still send up red flags about their marriage. That's just not how people who are in a good place relate to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh ladies, you are making fools of yourselves trying to demonize the DH's behavior in this situation. It is clear from this interaction that OP was completely in the wrong. She needs to learn a)not to touch people when they ask her not to and b)not to take it personally when DS prefers DH. Problem solved.

On a side note, no wonder so many of you have miserable marriages. There are 5 pages of DH bashing going on when the issue is clearly with OP.

You're right on B. OP is taking her son's very-normal toddler behavior too personally and needs to work on that, because she's going too far.

You're wrong on everything else. If your definition of a non-miserable marriage is one where a hand on the arm equals "getting physical" and a crossed boundary, I'll stick with my very happy, "miserable" marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh ladies, you are making fools of yourselves trying to demonize the DH's behavior in this situation. It is clear from this interaction that OP was completely in the wrong. She needs to learn a)not to touch people when they ask her not to and b)not to take it personally when DS prefers DH. Problem solved.

On a side note, no wonder so many of you have miserable marriages. There are 5 pages of DH bashing going on when the issue is clearly with OP.

the fact that my husband doesn't call cops when i touch him makes for a totally miserable marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh ladies, you are making fools of yourselves trying to demonize the DH's behavior in this situation. It is clear from this interaction that OP was completely in the wrong. She needs to learn a)not to touch people when they ask her not to and b)not to take it personally when DS prefers DH. Problem solved.

On a side note, no wonder so many of you have miserable marriages. There are 5 pages of DH bashing going on when the issue is clearly with OP.

But this doesn't solve the biggest problem of all - OP's husband totally out of proportion reaction to "inappropriate" touching. All other issues pale in comparison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh ladies, you are making fools of yourselves trying to demonize the DH's behavior in this situation. It is clear from this interaction that OP was completely in the wrong. She needs to learn a)not to touch people when they ask her not to and b)not to take it personally when DS prefers DH. Problem solved.

On a side note, no wonder so many of you have miserable marriages. There are 5 pages of DH bashing going on when the issue is clearly with OP.

But this doesn't solve the biggest problem of all - OP's husband totally out of proportion reaction to "inappropriate" touching. All other issues pale in comparison.

Oh please. That's what you took away from this interaction?

[Anonymous]

You should have given your DS a good, hard smack on his bottom and said, STOP. go to bed now. The kid is a spoiled brat who knows he can do anything with you and get away with crap.

As for your DH, marriage counselling and parenting classes for both of you. Your DH is a douchebag and your son is quickly catching up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh ladies, you are making fools of yourselves trying to demonize the DH's behavior in this situation. It is clear from this interaction that OP was completely in the wrong. She needs to learn a)not to touch people when they ask her not to and b)not to take it personally when DS prefers DH. Problem solved.

On a side note, no wonder so many of you have miserable marriages. There are 5 pages of DH bashing going on when the issue is clearly with OP.

But this doesn't solve the biggest problem of all - OP's husband totally out of proportion reaction to "inappropriate" touching. All other issues pale in comparison.

Oh please. That's what you took away from this interaction?

Absolutely. Everything else is just run of the mill. His reaction is a whole different level of disfunction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh ladies, you are making fools of yourselves trying to demonize the DH's behavior in this situation. It is clear from this interaction that OP was completely in the wrong. She needs to learn a)not to touch people when they ask her not to and b)not to take it personally when DS prefers DH. Problem solved.

On a side note, no wonder so many of you have miserable marriages. There are 5 pages of DH bashing going on when the issue is clearly with OP.

But this doesn't solve the biggest problem of all - OP's husband totally out of proportion reaction to "inappropriate" touching. All other issues pale in comparison.

Oh please. That's what you took away from this interaction?

Not the PP, but absolutely, yes. OP and her husband were NOT arguing prior to this and he later told her he didn't hear her son tell her not to rub his back. So as far as he was concerned, there was nothing go on. And yet his *first* response to her touching him is "take your hands off me right now," followed up by "you've crossed a boundary. We don't get physical."

Are you honestly saying that seems normal to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh ladies, you are making fools of yourselves trying to demonize the DH's behavior in this situation. It is clear from this interaction that OP was completely in the wrong. She needs to learn a)not to touch people when they ask her not to and b)not to take it personally when DS prefers DH. Problem solved.

On a side note, no wonder so many of you have miserable marriages. There are 5 pages of DH bashing going on when the issue is clearly with OP.

But this doesn't solve the biggest problem of all - OP's husband totally out of proportion reaction to "inappropriate" touching. All other issues pale in comparison.

Oh please. That's what you took away from this interaction?

Not the PP, but absolutely, yes. OP and her husband were NOT arguing prior to this and he later told her he didn't hear her son tell her not to rub his back. So as far as he was concerned, there was nothing go on. And yet his *first* response to her touching him is "take your hands off me right now," followed up by "you've crossed a boundary. We don't get physical."

Are you honestly saying that seems normal to you?

Reposting because I screwed up the format a second ago.

DP and +1. The stuff with the kid is normal and natural. The DH's reaction to me implies SERIOUS foundational marital issues.

Honestly I would not react this way if a girlfriend touched my arm or my mom or a sibling. The only time I can see reacting in this extreme way is if I was feeling like my physical safety is in danger and that would be reserved for a stranger or if it was in the middle of a very heated argument with someone. If her DH feels his physical safety is in danger when she touches him that is a problem because she must have done something to make him feel that way. And if he has no reason to feel that way and reacts that way that is ALSO a problem because he is being mean and manipulative.

[Anonymous]

I symphasize with you OP, my Husband does this BS with my Son. Funny he doesn't act that way with our Daughter.

[Anonymous]

A couple things...your DH should be more supportive of you in front of your child. We try to use language like "we don't say that in our family" for things like "I don't want you," talk about empathy, and work on phrasing requests nicely.

To prevent yourself from getting triggered, I'd look at the source of your shame. Acknowledge that you feel ashamed when you are rejected. That's ok. It's very painful to not feel wanted and loved. You feel ashamed of that pain, and you are lashing out in part to protect yourself. But mainly it's very painful and you are ashamed -- ashamed of not being loved/wanted, ashamed of how much it hurts and helpless you feel to "fix" it by being nicer, better, bigger. I think understanding yourself on that level will help you connect with your son better. And giving compassion to yourself will help take the sting away from the perceived judgments of others, including your in laws and your son. They can't hurt you if you feel safe with yourself.

[Anonymous]

Also (21:05 here) obviously your husband has some issues, but who doesn't? Those are for him to work out. Whatever triggers him has nothing to do with you, and vice versa. It has much deeper roots. Go there and you will find it easier to develop boundaries/own your own stuf instead of projecting on each other.