Is it okay to divorce a remorseful cheater when you have kids?

[Anonymous]

I think it's ok, but really think about if it's what you want. It's not so horribly unbearable for the kids, although even the best divorce will be difficult for them. But it's not just your kids who'll be dealing with divorce, it's you. Do you really want to co-parent with whomever he marries, even if it's the affair partner? Do you really want to deal with all the hassles and scheduling of joint custody, and the financial hit?

And remember that the divorce will be difficult for you and your kids as adults too. My parents didn't really think about that, but it's been hard on me caring for them separately, and they don't get as much care from me as they would like. It really cuts into their grandchild time as well.

I would say at least try to reconcile. You can always change your mind and divorce later. If you divorce now, it's very hard to go back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP- are you sure the year long affair is really over. It wasn't a one time mistake.

I wouldn't have any desire to have sex with a husband who a year long affair. His ass is gone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husband and I have been married ten years with two small kids. We have had our ups and downs. Apparently he was much unhappier than I knew and he had a year-long affair. I found out and we have been in counseling. He seemed very remorseful at first, but now doesn't really seem that way. I don't want to break up my family, and I don't want my kids to have to deal with divorced parents. But I don't trust my husband, feel humiliated and hated, and just plain unloved. I completely admit to my part of the problems in the marriage and was working on them during the affair. He had an affair instead of working on the problems.

The question is - would it be horribly selfish to leave my husband? Is that too much for the kids? I keep reading threads on how divorce is terrible for the kids, but this is pretty much unbearable and my husband says he is committed to working things out. I think this affair might be a deal breaker for me.

Divorce is not great for kids. Nor is staying in an unhappy marriage - which is far worse.

Don't just read these threads. Do some reading, talk to a few psychologists. And a divorce attorney.

It is NOT selfish of you to leave. It was selfish of him to have a year-long affair. That is horrific and pretty much unforgivable. I'm not at all surprised that he seemed remorseful at first (when caught) and now is not.

I'm so sorry. Talk to people in real life - experts. And please take good care of yourself. This is a difficult time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you ask anonymous posters whether you should divorce a cheater, everyone is going to say yes. They see cheater = evil. They don't know your husband and his good vs. bad qualities. Most importantly, they don't have to deal with the fallout of divorce and all the effects.

No one call tell you when it is ok to divorce a spouse. One who will only have duty sex once a week? One who won't go on date nights? Won't save for kids college funds? All of these are deal breakers for some, and not others and that's ok.

Wife and I had our rough patches, and I posted here years ago and had many people say "divorce!" My best advice to you - read some divorce blogs. Read what its really like to go through divorce and real world consequences. Then, you can make a decision with your eyes wide open and make the best out of a bad situation with no great options.

Wise words above.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you ask anonymous posters whether you should divorce a cheater, everyone is going to say yes. They see cheater = evil. They don't know your husband and his good vs. bad qualities. Most importantly, they don't have to deal with the fallout of divorce and all the effects.

No one call tell you when it is ok to divorce a spouse. One who will only have duty sex once a week? One who won't go on date nights? Won't save for kids college funds? All of these are deal breakers for some, and not others and that's ok.

Wife and I had our rough patches, and I posted here years ago and had many people say "divorce!" My best advice to you - read some divorce blogs. Read what its really like to go through divorce and real world consequences. Then, you can make a decision with your eyes wide open and make the best out of a bad situation with no great options.

Wise words above.

+1

And also read about women who stay with cheating husbands and live lives of low self esteem and silent desperation.

A year-long affair is incredible betrayal. The person who is supposed to love you more than anyone else in the world - the person who entered into a partnership with you - lied to you for at least a year.

Forget it. It will never work out, and you'll never trust him again, and you'll never feel safe again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you ask anonymous posters whether you should divorce a cheater, everyone is going to say yes. They see cheater = evil. They don't know your husband and his good vs. bad qualities. Most importantly, they don't have to deal with the fallout of divorce and all the effects.

No one call tell you when it is ok to divorce a spouse. One who will only have duty sex once a week? One who won't go on date nights? Won't save for kids college funds? All of these are deal breakers for some, and not others and that's ok.

Wife and I had our rough patches, and I posted here years ago and had many people say "divorce!" My best advice to you - read some divorce blogs. Read what its really like to go through divorce and real world consequences. Then, you can make a decision with your eyes wide open and make the best out of a bad situation with no great options.

Wise words above.

Also agree. If you are trying to work it out, it is better to amicably stay together than to "amicably divorce". Contrary to the above anecdotal experiences, there is very little evidence showing that divorce is better or even Neutral for children.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I really don't want a divorce in theory. I don't want to have to split custody and I don't want my kids to suffer. I have this nagging feeling that my husband is just going to leave me sooner or later anyway. I am not sure he ever really loved me. I stupidly read some of his correspondence with the other woman, with husband's permission, and it was awful. He clearly was into her and expressed his adoration of her repeatedly. He wrote her stuff that he has never come close to saying to me. He did tell me he wanted to leave during the affair, and I begged him to give us a chance. I'm basically an idiot.

If we were to divorce, I would be cordial with him. I definitely don't want to subject my kids to any more pain than necessary. I wonder if I would ever tell them about the affair. My instinct would be not to tell them, to protect them, but who knows what would be right.

I found out eight months ago. I flat out asked him and he admitted it. He says it's over, and he changed jobs ( they were coworkers), but who knows if he really ended it. I'm in individual therapy too.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're going through this OP.

He made a unilateral decision to end your marriage, but without the decency to divorce you first.

It's sad for your kids, but they're also his kids, and this is what he chose for them. When they're grown, you can decide how much to tell them.

Move on without guilt or regret, embrace a free life, 10000x better than the trap of a loveless union with a disrespectful cheater.

Pls visit chumplady.com.

[Anonymous]

OP, you ask if it is selfish of you to divorce. i want to blast your premise a bit...everyone views being "selfish" as a bad thing. honestly, being selfish is the ONLY thing that ensures our survival as human beings. nobody hands us things in life, nobody will take care of you like you (i've learned the hard way).

was your DH selfish to have an affair and lie about it? of course. for that time, for whatever reason, this was the only thing he knew how to do to get what he wanted. so he did the selfish thing because in his mind, he needed what he felt he needed, consequences be damned.

would it be selfish of you to divorce your DH because you are worried that your kids would suffer? yes, on a level you are putting your needs above your kids, so in a traditional sense yes, that is selfish. BUT THAT'S OKAY if you feel it is in YOUR best interests, as a woman, as a human being, to divorce your DH and be on your own. it is emotional survival, and only YOU can ensure that for yourself. you cannot put DH in the driver's seat for that. even people with non-cheating spouses should not do that. you have to keep control over your own emotional life.

we all have a right to choose to be selfish, especially if it will make us a better, whole person.

hugs to you, OP.

[Anonymous]

I know an affair would be one for me.

Do not place any blame on your marital issues from the past.

Remember that YOU were the victim in all of this.

I do think that divorce is not easy on any child, but they will be fine in the end.
Yes, it will be heart-breaking & sad in the beginning because after all....Their family dynamic will change significantly.

However in time they will adapt + move on from it.
Kids are a lot more stronger and adaptable than us adults give them credit for.

Yes, motherhood is all about sacrificing for the sake of our kids.
However to stay w/a man who has betrayed you in the worst possible manner that a husband can do, will have extremely detrimental effects for years to come.

Your children may have it engrained in them that this is a model for a typical marital union which will have devastating consequences later on in life.

Plus do you really want to invest yourself into someone who could carry on this deception for a year...??!

That is the equivalent of asking for the moon from my perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I really don't want a divorce in theory. I don't want to have to split custody and I don't want my kids to suffer. I have this nagging feeling that my husband is just going to leave me sooner or later anyway. I am not sure he ever really loved me. I stupidly read some of his correspondence with the other woman, with husband's permission, and it was awful. He clearly was into her and expressed his adoration of her repeatedly. He wrote her stuff that he has never come close to saying to me. He did tell me he wanted to leave during the affair, and I begged him to give us a chance. I'm basically an idiot.

If we were to divorce, I would be cordial with him. I definitely don't want to subject my kids to any more pain than necessary. I wonder if I would ever tell them about the affair. My instinct would be not to tell them, to protect them, but who knows what would be right.

I found out eight months ago. I flat out asked him and he admitted it. He says it's over, and he changed jobs ( they were coworkers), but who knows if he really ended it. I'm in individual therapy too.

My experience was that my DW was not willing to show me anything and she ended up with AP. The thing to remember is they are still in the house with you - now. But please take some time to think about what you want and how your own issue might have contributed to this. I'm not not blaming you as the victim. But if you want this to work and have a happier relationship you should address some of the things you've indentified. Take it slow. Divorce sucks for the kids but you alone can't save you marriage. Frankly it's easier to divorce and maybe what you have to do. At least you can walk away knowing you tried everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you ask if it is selfish of you to divorce. i want to blast your premise a bit...everyone views being "selfish" as a bad thing. honestly, being selfish is the ONLY thing that ensures our survival as human beings. nobody hands us things in life, nobody will take care of you like you (i've learned the hard way).

was your DH selfish to have an affair and lie about it? of course. for that time, for whatever reason, this was the only thing he knew how to do to get what he wanted. so he did the selfish thing because in his mind, he needed what he felt he needed, consequences be damned.

would it be selfish of you to divorce your DH because you are worried that your kids would suffer? yes, on a level you are putting your needs above your kids, so in a traditional sense yes, that is selfish. BUT THAT'S OKAY if you feel it is in YOUR best interests, as a woman, as a human being, to divorce your DH and be on your own. it is emotional survival, and only YOU can ensure that for yourself. you cannot put DH in the driver's seat for that. even people with non-cheating spouses should not do that. you have to keep control over your own emotional life.

we all have a right to choose to be selfish, especially if it will make us a better, whole person.

hugs to you, OP.

I agree with this. And it's not even selfish so much, as it is self-preservation. Respect yourself enough to do what's best for you. Even then, this is not a decision you need to make right away. I would suggest separation with a potential reconciliation. However, my experience with cheaters is that they are cowards, and once you cut the cord, he will be gone, likely to the affair partner. Maybe to someone else. So if you do a separation, realize that it might be the true end of the marriage rather than a step toward healing.

[Anonymous]

Year long affair? He is only sorry he got caught. I couldn't stay married either.
Sorry hon. You deserve better.

[Anonymous]

If you know in your heart of hearts that you can never be comfortable in the marriage, you have no alternative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know an affair would be one for me.

Do not place any blame on your marital issues from the past.

Remember that YOU were the victim in all of this.

I do think that divorce is not easy on any child, but they will be fine in the end.
Yes, it will be heart-breaking & sad in the beginning because after all....Their family dynamic will change significantly.

However in time they will adapt + move on from it.
Kids are a lot more stronger and adaptable than us adults give them credit for.

Yes, motherhood is all about sacrificing for the sake of our kids.
However to stay w/a man who has betrayed you in the worst possible manner that a husband can do, will have extremely detrimental effects for years to come.

Your children may have it engrained in them that this is a model for a typical marital union which will have devastating consequences later on in life.

Plus do you really want to invest yourself into someone who could carry on this deception for a year...??!

That is the equivalent of asking for the moon from my perspective.

This is all terrible advice, and nothing other than a one-sided perspective meant to make OP feel better.

No one here knows the truth of what or why her husband cheated. Most rational people understand they shades of grey between the asshole husband who has an awesome wife and great marriage and cheats because he is a sociopath, and the husband who has put in an extraordinary effort for his marriage but has been essentially abandoned by his wife.

I don't know where their marriage falls, I know OP was candid enough to reveal they had problems, and I am not excusing his behavior.

As for kids are resilient in divorce - of course its not sending kids off to a war zone, but its also not "no big deal" and whether its closer to war zone than no big deal is going to be somewhat out of OPs control if they divorce because she can't control who her ex dates, how he parents during half his time, etc. Or how kids will react.

My meager advice - 1) accept your husband is human, with flaws like all of us, and he gave in to a temptation that has affected many humans who have tried to commit to lifetime monogamous marriages 2) if you decide to stay married, give it your all to move past this - no point in living like a martyr 3) if it can't be salvaged, do your best to forgive and co-parent amicably.