Is it okay to divorce a remorseful cheater when you have kids?

[Anonymous]

I would only divorce if you are OK with the AP becoming your children's stepmother. That's how it turned out for my parents and it sucks. As the kid, I think my mother had every right to divorce my dad, but it's not like she's very happy with the ultimate outcome either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would only divorce if you are OK with the AP becoming your children's stepmother. That's how it turned out for my parents and it sucks. As the kid, I think my mother had every right to divorce my dad, but it's not like she's very happy with the ultimate outcome either.

This short response nails the reality. There is no magic outcome here, only a question of least bad options for OP.

- a child of divorce whose dad is still with AP 25 years later and no one in the family talks to each other (not because of the affair and divorce so much but because Dad's AP is a raging bitch and continues to poison the family).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He already ended the marriage.

+1

[Anonymous]

An unfortunate reality is that you will still have to interact with your ex. Divorce is not all rainbows and unicorns and you get to live happily ever after.

[Anonymous]

That's true until the child is a teen. You'll have to talk about visiting arrangements. Once the kid can drive it's bye bye ex.

It's a tough call. I've seen some women go from the frying pan to the oven. If you look at guys your age, or your friends husband's you probably know you'll likely trade one set of problems for another. If I had small kids I'd at least stay until the teen years. If someone cheated I could easily emotionally detach but also be happy. I was never the type to allow one person to define my happiness, though sadly many women are too dependent to do that. I would suggest preparing in case he does decide to divorce you. Your kids, and finances should come long before you cheating good for nothing husband. If you keep that in perspective you're ahead of many.

[Anonymous]

Alternately, is it OK to stay with an unremorseful cheater when you have kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I really don't want a divorce in theory. I don't want to have to split custody and I don't want my kids to suffer. I have this nagging feeling that my husband is just going to leave me sooner or later anyway. I am not sure he ever really loved me. I stupidly read some of his correspondence with the other woman, with husband's permission, and it was awful. He clearly was into her and expressed his adoration of her repeatedly. He wrote her stuff that he has never come close to saying to me. He did tell me he wanted to leave during the affair, and I begged him to give us a chance. I'm basically an idiot.

If we were to divorce, I would be cordial with him. I definitely don't want to subject my kids to any more pain than necessary. I wonder if I would ever tell them about the affair. My instinct would be not to tell them, to protect them, but who knows what would be right.

I found out eight months ago. I flat out asked him and he admitted it. He says it's over, and he changed jobs ( they were coworkers), but who knows if he really ended it. I'm in individual therapy too.

OP you need to be a little smarter, find out for sure if he's telling you the truth...please don't guess. Is she married? Does she live alone? If single, he was likely going to her place. You can easily find out if he's going over there or calling her. My friend did this, drove by her house, saw her husband's car.

OP why did they break up or what reason did he give?????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Alternately, is it OK to stay with an unremorseful cheater when you have kids?

It depends on a lot of things. I wouldn't care about the guy, would hope he'd slip on a banana peel. Disengage either way. He may be staying because of the 100% divided by 2, that's a big hit. I've seen many men not able to retire because they stupidly divorced the wife in their 40's 50's losing assets and paying child support. Then the bimbo ends up leaving them anyways.

[Anonymous]

I would give it some period of time and then decide. It is still extremely recent. My spouse had an affair and I was pretty sure I would divorce but we kept working on it and it took about two years before I could see a path forward. We may still divorce someday, but it's been about 6 years now and it's been much more good than not, so I'm glad we've stuck with it this far.

[Anonymous]

YES!

[Anonymous]

I am in the same situation so hugs to you. I have tried for two years but am now divorcing. I found staying together was soul crushing. Please go to surviving infidleity.com . It is a very informative site. Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's true until the child is a teen. You'll have to talk about visiting arrangements. Once the kid can drive it's bye bye ex.

It's a tough call. I've seen some women go from the frying pan to the oven. If you look at guys your age, or your friends husband's you probably know you'll likely trade one set of problems for another. If I had small kids I'd at least stay until the teen years. If someone cheated I could easily emotionally detach but also be happy. I was never the type to allow one person to define my happiness, though sadly many women are too dependent to do that. I would suggest preparing in case he does decide to divorce you. Your kids, and finances should come long before you cheating good for nothing husband. If you keep that in perspective you're ahead of many.

This ! Seriously, get knowledgeable about current situation. Hope for the best but prepare for worst. You have no idea what people are like until you experience this. ie when someone shows you who they are, believe them !

[Anonymous]

OP again. The OW is married with three kids. My husband tells me that OW's husband confronted OW and she denied the affair, but OW's husband didn't really believe it. I have had no contact with him or OW. Husband claims he ended the affair because he felt crushing guilt, and that he ended things a couple of weeks before I asked him about it. I believe that somewhat because I read their emails (he let me right when he admitted it) and they show the same story. But who knows what he does now. I don't trust him but I also feel like if he wants to hide an affair he knows how to do it.

As for money, we make basically the same amount of money and I'm actually better off because I have no debt, while he has significant student loans that he never wanted my help with.

It's such a mess. PP who divorced after two years, what made you finally decide that? PP who is still with the husband six years later, do you have peace? Why are you so unsure of the future?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's true until the child is a teen. You'll have to talk about visiting arrangements. Once the kid can drive it's bye bye ex.

It's a tough call. I've seen some women go from the frying pan to the oven. If you look at guys your age, or your friends husband's you probably know you'll likely trade one set of problems for another. If I had small kids I'd at least stay until the teen years. If someone cheated I could easily emotionally detach but also be happy. I was never the type to allow one person to define my happiness, though sadly many women are too dependent to do that. I would suggest preparing in case he does decide to divorce you. Your kids, and finances should come long before you cheating good for nothing husband. If you keep that in perspective you're ahead of many.

This ! Seriously, get knowledgeable about current situation. Hope for the best but prepare for worst. You have no idea what people are like until you experience this. ie when someone shows you who they are, believe them !

YES If she's there 10 years later still wondering she can only blame herself. You can put software on his phone that will copy text, emails etc. She can easily find out if he has a hidden phone, have a friend follow him or hire a P.I. Put a gps under his car from Amazon.
In this day and age there's no reason NOT to catch a cheater or to confirm you spouse is being faithful. You check on your accountant, contractor, bank, and should do so with the most important relationship in your life. I believe Op's husband if not seeing the AP will continue to cheat so it may be worth it to move forward.

[Anonymous]

Broken people have affairs not people in broken marriages.

Your H is broken. If he does not go to individual therapy and stop blaming the marriage for the affair he will have another affair.

If his expectation is... If my marriage is perfect I will remain faithful, guess what... Nothing is perfect.

I normally say, go to therapy and try to save the marriage, but your H sounds sad it ended not sad it happened... So I would say divorce.