Is it okay to divorce a remorseful cheater when you have kids?

[Anonymous]

Husband and I have been married ten years with two small kids. We have had our ups and downs. Apparently he was much unhappier than I knew and he had a year-long affair. I found out and we have been in counseling. He seemed very remorseful at first, but now doesn't really seem that way. I don't want to break up my family, and I don't want my kids to have to deal with divorced parents. But I don't trust my husband, feel humiliated and hated, and just plain unloved. I completely admit to my part of the problems in the marriage and was working on them during the affair. He had an affair instead of working on the problems.

The question is - would it be horribly selfish to leave my husband? Is that too much for the kids? I keep reading threads on how divorce is terrible for the kids, but this is pretty much unbearable and my husband says he is committed to working things out. I think this affair might be a deal breaker for me.

[Anonymous]

If it is a deal breaker, it is a deal breaker. You are not responsible solely and your husband is the one who started this whole mess.

[Anonymous]

I'm damage because my parents stayed together. I get sick every time I think what my mother went through when living with my father. Wish she had left and when I was a little older I begged her and dad to get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

I do not believe it is too selfish. An affair would be a dealbreaker for me too.

I think an amicable split is better than a miserable marriage. (Speaking as the child whose parents had a miserable marriage, and my brother and I would beg our dad to divorce our mom).

[Anonymous]

Of course it's OK! He cheated on you. You did more than I would have, you tried counseling. It didn't work, evidenced by your feelings. If you feel that you no longer can trust him and believe that feeling will not be going away I'd say you have every right to leave him.

[Anonymous]

He already ended the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course it's OK! He cheated on you. You did more than I would have, you tried counseling. It didn't work, evidenced by your feelings. If you feel that you no longer can trust him and believe that feeling will not be going away I'd say you have every right to leave him.

You not only have every right to leave him, you SHOULD leave him if you cannot trust him! Girl! Get yourself to an individual counselor so you can get your thinking straight! Your husband was the selfish one - and not even remorseful. He probably is too much of a weakling to acknowledge he wanted to leave the marriage and had an affair so he could say it was YOU who left the marriage. Asshole.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you ask anonymous posters whether you should divorce a cheater, everyone is going to say yes. They see cheater = evil. They don't know your husband and his good vs. bad qualities. Most importantly, they don't have to deal with the fallout of divorce and all the effects.

No one call tell you when it is ok to divorce a spouse. One who will only have duty sex once a week? One who won't go on date nights? Won't save for kids college funds? All of these are deal breakers for some, and not others and that's ok.

Wife and I had our rough patches, and I posted here years ago and had many people say "divorce!" My best advice to you - read some divorce blogs. Read what its really like to go through divorce and real world consequences. Then, you can make a decision with your eyes wide open and make the best out of a bad situation with no great options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you ask anonymous posters whether you should divorce a cheater, everyone is going to say yes. They see cheater = evil. They don't know your husband and his good vs. bad qualities. Most importantly, they don't have to deal with the fallout of divorce and all the effects.

No one call tell you when it is ok to divorce a spouse. One who will only have duty sex once a week? One who won't go on date nights? Won't save for kids college funds? All of these are deal breakers for some, and not others and that's ok.

Wife and I had our rough patches, and I posted here years ago and had many people say "divorce!" My best advice to you - read some divorce blogs. Read what its really like to go through divorce and real world consequences. Then, you can make a decision with your eyes wide open and make the best out of a bad situation with no great options.

Wise words above.

[Anonymous]

It is always ok to divorce someone that you no longer want to be married to - what is not ok is doing it in a way where you're not productive co-parents and respective of each other (which nothing indicates you wouldn't be). Your children aren't served by you staying with someone you don't want to be with, whether or not he cheated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husband and I have been married ten years with two small kids. We have had our ups and downs. Apparently he was much unhappier than I knew and he had a year-long affair. I found out and we have been in counseling. He seemed very remorseful at first, but now doesn't really seem that way. I don't want to break up my family, and I don't want my kids to have to deal with divorced parents. But I don't trust my husband, feel humiliated and hated, and just plain unloved. I completely admit to my part of the problems in the marriage and was working on them during the affair. He had an affair instead of working on the problems.

The question is - would it be horribly selfish to leave my husband? Is that too much for the kids? I keep reading threads on how divorce is terrible for the kids, but this is pretty much unbearable and my husband says he is committed to working things out. I think this affair might be a deal breaker for me.

Those are very powerful words, and you don't deserve to live your life that way. How long has it been since you found out? I would suggest waiting and trying to work on it for a little longer. If it's still fresh, it will hurt like hell. Distance could help. But ultimately, if you can't get over those feelings, divorce will probably be the better option.

The kids I know who got through divorce well were either in therapy or their parents spoke to a child therapist on a regular basis to determine what was best for the kids. In your shoes, I'd make that investment.

I wish you the best, whatever the outcome.

[Anonymous]

OP, only you can make a decision about what is best for you and your family.

It's all well and good that your husband wants to make it work, but honestly, he should've thought about that before he had an affair.

If I knew you IRL, I wouldn't blame you for getting divorced. I certainly wouldn't judge you. Infidelity is breaking a vow. I actually see it as breaking a contract.

Just make sure that you make a decision with clear eyes. Try to get a sense of the ramifications (financially, logistically). And then figure out if it is something you can make work for you and your kids.

[Anonymous]

If you feel in your gut he is not remorseful, the relationship will not last. This is true. Make sure you understand this and behave accordingly

[Anonymous]

It's one thing if you both are committed to working through it and you still love each other. If not, then the marriage is over whether you divorce or not.

Don't make rash decisions. Talk to a lawyer, but don't blindside him. Figure out a path that gets you to an amicable split with a plan to coparent positively.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP- are you sure the year long affair is really over. It wasn't a one time mistake.