He went out to lunch with another woman and lied about it.

[Anonymous]

If you believe him it was a business lunch, then get over the lie. I also would have lied to you if I knew you were obsessing about my possibly having an affair with a random business contact that I occasionally have to take to lunch.

If you don't believe it was a business lunch, dump him. But the lie here is kind of a red herring. He shouldn't have done it, but if there's nothing going on between them, then he was surely motivated to make that mistake by the fact that you were acting like an obsessive lunatic.

[Anonymous]

There is no answer that can satisfy someone who is jealous, neurotic, dependent, and controlling. Nothing will ever convince that person that they are not being lied to in some way.

[Anonymous]

OP you are setting up a situation where he's forced to lie and be secretive. I'd lie to you too just to avoid your crazy over reactions. You had several "long" fights over some FB posts and likes?! And you thought he'd tell you about lunch and put up with even more of your BS?!

You've created a dynamic where there is no way to tell if he's a lying cheat or just avoiding conflict with you over very normal things (lunch with a friend) because you've made everything high drama. Your two options are get yourself under control and see whether he's trustworthy or not when you're not boxing him into a corner or to accept that your dynamic is too off the rails and end the relationship now. As long as you're acting the way you are, you'll never have a healthy relationship with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no answer that can satisfy someone who is jealous, neurotic, dependent, and controlling. Nothing will ever convince that person that they are not being lied to in some way.

OP here..
Yes...I actually do agree with this. I think it I hadn't been "worried" about this woman, it would have been someone else.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If her profile is public she could see whatever the woman posts.

I'd be upset that they went to lunch but maybe he just didn't want to upset you or have you think something was there that wasn't. I think it says a lot that he deleted her--I'd be worried if he refused to do that. I think deleting her shows he respects your feelings. I'd give him some leeway and see how he acts in the next few weeks or months. I'm sure most of the DCUM peeps here will scream "affair!!!" But maybe your BF just didn't want you to misconstrue a business lunch. It's possible she likes him but he didn't want to hurt her feelings or something.

OP here
Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are setting up a situation where he's forced to lie and be secretive. I'd lie to you too just to avoid your crazy over reactions. You had several "long" fights over some FB posts and likes?! And you thought he'd tell you about lunch and put up with even more of your BS?!

You've created a dynamic where there is no way to tell if he's a lying cheat or just avoiding conflict with you over very normal things (lunch with a friend) because you've made everything high drama. Your two options are get yourself under control and see whether he's trustworthy or not when you're not boxing him into a corner or to accept that your dynamic is too off the rails and end the relationship now. As long as you're acting the way you are, you'll never have a healthy relationship with him.

OP here.
This is very good advice.
Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you believe him it was a business lunch, then get over the lie. I also would have lied to you if I knew you were obsessing about my possibly having an affair with a random business contact that I occasionally have to take to lunch.

If you don't believe it was a business lunch, dump him. But the lie here is kind of a red herring. He shouldn't have done it, but if there's nothing going on between them, then he was surely motivated to make that mistake by the fact that you were acting like an obsessive lunatic.

This is a balanced response and captures the gist of the issue imo. But, in my experience, a woman's "spidey sense" is often right. Trust your gut but, regardless, if you don't trust him, you shouldn't be with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much angst and blah-blah-blah and you're just dating. Dating is about finding someone you'll be happy with. One of you need to leave this relationship.

I kind of agree with this. The fact that you even noticed he had a new facebook friend at the very beginning means that you are jealous and paranoid. Everything that happened after that is influenced by your basic distrust. A new -ish relationship just shouldn't be this hard.

[Anonymous]

You know what, OP, I'm going to go against the tide here and say you should listen to your gut. Your boyfriend is sociable and has tons of FB friends, and you've been okay with him, but suddenly something sets off alarms. In my experience, there's good reason for alarms, and we should listen to our gut. For whatever reason, you've come to a point where you don't trust him. It doesn't help that he's been downplaying and lying about this other woman. Maybe it's nothing with her, but something is bothering you about him or the relationship. Why did he divorce? If you've been dating for a year and express love, what's the reason for not even meeting each other's children?

[Anonymous]

You and bf are not on the same page. He is being sneaky. Personally, I wouldn't waste my effort and time.

Find someone more trustworthy.

[Anonymous]

I dated a guy like that. Actually several. Just an innocent lunch. Work friends! Whatever. They al ended up cheating. Move on.

[Anonymous]

OP aka typical DCUM woman: "She is attractive in a "lots of make up, always dresses nice and accessorizes" kind of way."

Normal person observing the situation objectively: "She't hot"

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP from 10:37. Just wanted to add that I don't think it's nuts that you noticed he had a new friend. I've noticed this last week with my own boyfriend--the reason I noticed is because this girl has already slept with two guys my boyfriend knows that are cops (my boyfriend is also a cop). This girl now friended my BF (she's no longer sleeping with his friends) and I really believe she's just a badge bunny. My boyfriend is really good looking (not to toot my own horn...lol...but he's better looking than the two she's already gone after). The only reason I noticed is because I know who she is from her "relationships" with his friends, and now all of a sudden she's on my BF's page liking all of his posts and pictures...that don't have me in them! I trust my boyfriend 100% and I know he wouldn't do anything, but I have a feeling she has her eyes on my man. The difference is trusting him to do the right thing, which I do. They don't have a business relationship like your situation. If he did, I'd be upset if he went out to lunch with her just based on HER conduct with his friends and on FB. Don't let everybody else in this thread make you feel crazy for looking the girl up on FB and I don't necessarily think it makes you super possessive to want to keep an eye on a female that seems interested in your man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He should run for the hills.

You're a idiot. Obviously she was right about the red flags, they did lunch together. He got caught in a lie. Trust is a big one, when something doesn't seem right it probably isn't.

OP good for you. At this point I would ask him where he sees the relationship going. Certainly after a year you need to determine from him about the level of commitment. If you haven't that should be your next step. Don't bring her up anymore or act jealous, BUT keep your eyes open. She sounds like a loser to post those things, definitely a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

OP I would think you were nuts if you kept your head in the sand. If you catch him again lying then it's time to find a new bf.