He went out to lunch with another woman and lied about it.
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Anonymous
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We have been dating about a year--not living together. Relatively serious (exclusive, we've said "I love you" on a regular basis, etc.) but no talk of future marriage or anything. We both have kids from previous marriage and neither of us have met each other's kids yet. Just putting all that out there to give context to the relationship.
So about a month ago I noticed he had a new "friend" on facebook (yeah, I know...) He is one of those people that has about 1000 friends on facebook, every person he's ever met and many that he hasn't... so new friends on facebook are nothing new....but something just made me notice this one. She lives local. A few years younger than me (he is 2.5 years older than me) She is attractive in a "lots of make up, always dresses nice and accessorizes" kind of way. From her facebook profile it was apparent they knew each other in a business networking context. Over the last couple weeks I just kind of paid attention to their interactions on facebook. She posts A LOT. Several times a day and mostly in attention seeking ways "Today the man at the coffee shop told me how beautiful I am!" "Someone thought I was 27, not 37, in yoga class today!" kind of stuff. I noticed that she commented on posts he has made on his page, but he has commented or "liked" several of her posts on her own wall. Sometimes slightly flirtatious but nothing overt. Still, I was nervous---red flags were waving. I brought it up to him a little over a week ago and he told me there was nothing to worry about-his comments were just attempts at being funny. He had only spoken to her once at a business thing. A few days later (this past Sunday) it came up again. He said there was nothing to worry about romantically with her. They had only texted a couple times. 
I mentioned that a few days prior he had said he only talked to her once. He got all huffy and sarcastic about it saying "I officially apologize for not keeping track of every text, email, phone call, etc that I have with every potential business contact" We fought that night for a long time. My birthday was the other day. He took wine tasting and then for a picnic with a bottle of the favorite wine from the tasting. The subject came up again...and I asked to see he texts on the phone. He let me see his phone. But I had drank a fair amount of wine by that point..so I was a bit buzzed...and skimming the texts quickly... The first several texts seemed like mix of buisness talk and a bit of flirtatious banter (On his part--I was skimming so quick/so buzzed I honestly didn't notice/recall her responses) Then he said outloud "Yeah, we did go to lunch" I guess I must have scrolled to a part of the texts where they were discussing that. I hadn't actually seen it yet. Then I looked down at the texts and saw them discussing which restaurant to meet at. He told me it was JUST work at the restaurant. Promised. I asked him when they went, and he said Friday. So BEFORE our big fight Sunday when he told me that he had only texted with her a few times. He lied BIG TIME and made it seem like I was being ridiculous with his comment about "I apologize for not tracking every phone call, text, email,etc" He deleted the texts. (I wish he hadn't--now that I have a clearer head I would like to go back and see what I missed.) I asked him to delete her from his facebook contacts and he did, right then and there. He also, without me even asking or mentioning, deleted her contact info from his phone right there. He has tried to make up for it. Yesterday he was supposed to go to an event that she would likely be at, and he didn't go. He spent time with me instead. I think I do believe it was just a business lunch, but I am bothered by the lies, the deceit, and most of all his making me feel like *I* was his ridiculous with his grandiose fake apology about not "tracking" all his interactions.... I am a fool to trust him again, right? |
Anonymous
| So, you've been stalking a woman on Facebook? Because that's really what it sounds like. I can't even figure out how you could be monitoring what she posts -- are you hacking your boyfriend's account? |
Anonymous
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OP here...
sorry I noticed that I said "I noticed that she commented on posts he has made on his page, but he has commented or "liked" several of her posts on her own wall. Sometimes slightly flirtatious but nothing overt. " But it should have said that she has NOT commented on his page. |
Anonymous
| I really can't tell what actually happened here but apparently the two of you enjoy this sort of thing. |
Anonymous
No, her posts are all public. |
Anonymous
| Dump him now. Im serious. A lie is a lie is a lie. Dump him. I've been in the same situation. |
Anonymous
| I think you should definitely break up with him, because you are so possessive and jealous that you sound dangerous to men. |
Anonymous
OP, I mean this gently, but you sound neurotic, obsessed, controlling, and possibly insane. It's quite possible the interaction is entirely innocent and he's cagey about it for fear of getting the third degree from you. |
Anonymous
And yet, you are obviously monitoring them. Creepy. |
Anonymous
OP here---the jist of it is Boyfriend has new female friend on facebook. Girlfriend suspicious but boyfriend assures her there is nothing going on and he only talked to her once at a business thing. Girlfriend finds out later that is a lie and they have gone out to lunch together. |
Anonymous
| He should run for the hills. |
Anonymous
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If her profile is public she could see whatever the woman posts.
I'd be upset that they went to lunch but maybe he just didn't want to upset you or have you think something was there that wasn't. I think it says a lot that he deleted her--I'd be worried if he refused to do that. I think deleting her shows he respects your feelings. I'd give him some leeway and see how he acts in the next few weeks or months. I'm sure most of the DCUM peeps here will scream "affair!!!" But maybe your BF just didn't want you to misconstrue a business lunch. It's possible she likes him but he didn't want to hurt her feelings or something. |
Anonymous
Yes, I "monitored" them. I was suspicious and wanted to see for myself. She has her settings set to public (at least for those posts--of course it's possible that she posts other things that are private and I haven't seen.) |
Anonymous
| So much angst and blah-blah-blah and you're just dating. Dating is about finding someone you'll be happy with. One of you need to leave this relationship. |
Anonymous
I don't see how his going out to lunch with her alters the fact that this is a business thing. I go out to business lunches all the time with men. I don't have romantic feelings, aims, or attachments to them. You sound almost desperately immature and controlling. |