Sister thinks I'm mean

[Anonymous]

I'll provide examples:

Sister has moderate to very little acne. Pink zits along her forehead and maybe 3 zits on her right cheek. They're not noticeable when she has foundation on. She spends all her spare time browsing the Internet and spending the little money she has on expensive lotions and supplies to cure her acne. As a teen I had awful cystic acne all over my face and kids bullied me for being a pizza face. I eventually out grew my acne and now have bad skin but my sisters skin is still, even with her few zits, better than mine. When I see how grossed out and horrified she is with her zits, it makes me feel ashamed about my skin and my acne ridden past. She is always mad at me because when she fussed about her skin I recommend she calm down and not fret so much. I tell her that regarding acne she really doesn't have it that bad and a little cover up will fix it. She rolls her eyes and says I'm not supportive.

She is extremely defensive about any suggestion or comment made her way that isn't gushing or flattering. If I see her at the end of the day and she looks tired she immediately get mad and says, " wow thanks for being so nice!" Or if I casually mention that I think she is kind of superficial that I'm a mean person who doesn't know her.

I feel like I just can't win. If I tell my friend she's tired, she'll go on and explain that she's had a long day and can't wait to go to bed. My sister would jump at my throat. Am I in the wrong?

[Anonymous]

Stop giving advice she didn't ask for. That is mean. It's pointless to feel bad about yourself b/c someone else feels bad about themselves. That's just pathetic.

[Anonymous]

I think you have enough examples to know how you currently interact with your sister isn't working so it needs to change. And I have to say that of the examples you've provided here, you do sound pretty critical. It's fine that you have friends who wouldn't take 'you look tired' as an insult, but your sister isn't wrong for not appreciating comments like that, especially if they are fairly frequent.

[Anonymous]

You can't tell a friend she looks tired, at least not according to DCUM. Many, many posts on here by uber-defensive women who can't hear they look tired without dropping said "friend." Sorry but that, mysteriously, is the way many women feel.

Also, how can you "casually mention" that you "think she is kind of superficial"? Is this a troll post?

[Anonymous]

Yes, you're wrong.

How can she say: "Wow thanks for being so nice!"
If you didn't say first: "Oh, you look tired" before?

Why don't you try saying NOTHING?

Bottom line: you know you can't win with such a touchy person. If you say nothing you'll be accused of not caring, probably. But you should at least try it. It saves you the effort.

Do you live together? You don't need to see each other that often, if you don't, or indeed if you do, for that matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP just the fact you took the time to minutely describe your sisters actual acne, was so boring that I couldn't be bothered to read any more of what you had put in your post.

So you're mean? That's not as terrible as being boring, which you certainly are.

Wow, PP, reading your post made me actually feel sick. Talk about mean. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Telling someone she looks tired is basically telling them they look like crap. It's not even close to complimentary. Stop saying it to people. You're probably making your friends feel worse but they're too polite to call you out for it.

Her acne bothers her. Don't be dismissive of her feelings.

If you want her to stop complaining about acne because it makes you self conscious about your own skin, tell her that. Just a quick, "my skin really bothers me and I feel like it's worse than yours. When you criticize acne skin, it feels like you're criticizing me too. Would you mind not saying things like that?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't tell a friend she looks tired, at least not according to DCUM. Many, many posts on here by uber-defensive women who can't hear they look tired without dropping said "friend." Sorry but that, mysteriously, is the way many women feel.

Also, how can you "casually mention" that you "think she is kind of superficial"? Is this a troll post?

This is OP. I said she was tired because I was concerned! And I used a very obvious concerned, " oh no you should get some rest" tone. I'm not a monster. I was or going, "HAHA you look tired!!!"

This was a while ago so I do not remember the specifics. But I think I was comparing us in that I would not think twice about walking to cvs in my gym clothes and no makeup but my sister will literally put on her "face" and then go to get tampons at cvs.

[Anonymous]

Yes, telling your sister that she is superficial is mean. Telling someone they look tired is another way of saying they don't look great, especially when the speaker is someone who tends to say mean things. And yes, minimizing her concern about her skin is not supportive. Just because your problem was so much worse doesn't mean she can't also be concerned about her own.

[Anonymous]

Can I take a guess OP? That you're older, and your sister is younger?

Learn this now, better than later - you do not always know best, and you are not always right. Stop giving your sister unsolicited advice or criticism. Just stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Telling someone she looks tired is basically telling them they look like crap. It's not even close to complimentary. Stop saying it to people. You're probably making your friends feel worse but they're too polite to call you out for it.

Her acne bothers her. Don't be dismissive of her feelings.

If you want her to stop complaining about acne because it makes you self conscious about your own skin, tell her that. Just a quick, "my skin really bothers me and I feel like it's worse than yours. When you criticize acne skin, it feels like you're criticizing me too. Would you mind not saying things like that?"

See? Some people say "you look tired" because they actually care about you, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't tell a friend she looks tired, at least not according to DCUM. Many, many posts on here by uber-defensive women who can't hear they look tired without dropping said "friend." Sorry but that, mysteriously, is the way many women feel.

Also, how can you "casually mention" that you "think she is kind of superficial"? Is this a troll post?

This is OP. I said she was tired because I was concerned! And I used a very obvious concerned, " oh no you should get some rest" tone. I'm not a monster. I was or going, "HAHA you look tired!!!"

This was a while ago so I do not remember the specifics. But I think I was comparing us in that I would not think twice about walking to cvs in my gym clothes and no makeup but my sister will literally put on her "face" and then go to get tampons at cvs.

Yes, I know you were saying it because you were concerned. I'm just warning you that a lot of superficial women see that as an assault on their sense of beauty. You've already said you think your sister is superficial, so there you go.

[Anonymous]

You seem very excitable and defensive. It's as if you must respond and refute each and every comment, even if those are meant to be helpful. You need to listen more and talk less. Make a point of only making positive and sympathetic comments for a while and see if your relationship improves.

[Anonymous]

You are mean because you know this is something she's sensitive about, yet you push at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem very excitable and defensive. It's as if you must respond and refute each and every comment, even if those are meant to be helpful. You need to listen more and talk less. Make a point of only making positive and sympathetic comments for a while and see if your relationship improves.

What thread are you on? OP only responded once so far. Weird comment, PP.